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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter only one not picked for bridesmaid

254 replies

Layanna44 · 17/09/2018 04:35

Would like honest opinions.
My brother is getting marred abroad. Holiday would cost me at least £2500 just to attend. (Expensive location)
My brother only has 2 nieces my daughter (11) and my niece (15). His partner has selected about 8+ bridesmaids (friends and cousins, she has no nieces as she's only child) they have asked my niece to be bridesmaid and have even bought dresses etc. My daughter is the only one not asked and is aware and very upset.
Background info: my sister got married and had brothers partner as bridesmaid. ( she had 10 bridesmaids) when I got married I didn't as I had a small wedding, only having my sister, niece and daughter. I have been told that she is punishing my daughter (11 year old) because I didn't have her as a bridesmaid. Although I didn't have my other brothers partner either or OH SIL's.
Am I wrong to be annoyed? (She is an adult as well in late 20's)

OP posts:
powerwalk · 17/09/2018 09:24

It is so much money to attend someone else's wedding, putting aside the bridesmaid issue.

Considering how upset your dd is, and she doesn't want to go, I wouldn't go. It is too much money, it will be fairly damaging making her sit and watch all the others be bridesmaids and it is just a wedding.

Anyone who books a destination wedding does so knowing that some of their family will not be able to go, I would pull out on the grounds of money and the fact you will have a very young baby too, rather than make an issue of the bridesmaid problem. There is nothing you can do to change your SIL

I would also continue to keep them at arms length, as she sounds toxic and unkind.

I wouldn't let anyone treat my child like that.

Pull out nicely and leave them all to it, it will be yesterdays news soon enough and you can go on a nice family holiday instead.

TownHall · 17/09/2018 09:26

Sounds like a lot of drama and stirring going on. Not sure why you have exposed your 11 year old daughter to it. I'd have simply said that your brother is only having adults as bridesmaids and left it at that. There was no need to involve her at all.

I also think the £2500 is unrelated. If you wanted to go then go and if you don't then don't go however if the only reason for not going is because your daughter is not going to be a bridesmaid then that's coming across as silly and petty.

Wispaismyfave · 17/09/2018 09:28

So much drama over nothing! It's the bride's choice whoever she does or does not have. I came under fire at my own wedding for not having my sister in law. I don't really have anything in common with her and see her maybe twice a year. My mil felt I should have her. I didn't even entertain it, my choice end of story. My sister was a flower girl for my cousin when she was 3, I was 11 and not chosen, my cousin had adult bridesmaids and then little flower girls. She didn't hate me or my mum she just wanted my sister, her choice.

If you don't want to pay the money to go don't go.

SugarGrill · 17/09/2018 09:30

Do you normally get on with your sil? I'd just ask her to be honest. However she responds will tell you all you need to know. If this hadn't happened would you have still gone.? If you don't want to ask her could you ask your db?

TownHall · 17/09/2018 09:31

KissKiss

Great post. I think it could easily be something like that.

Rachel0Greep · 17/09/2018 09:35

Personally, it would be a lot of money, that would be my first consideration, to be honest.
I don't think you should allow it to create a rift in the family. If it is being done out of spite, it's rotten to think that adults would do this to a child.

However, I wouldn't make a decision based on that. Nor would I be making it into a big deal that she is the 'only one not chosen'. She will still get a lovely outfit and a trip abroad, which surely is very exciting for most children...if you decide to go.

Make the decision as the parent(s) and don't let your child believe that it is the end of the world if she is not the one chosen.

IMissGin · 17/09/2018 09:35

Are any of the other bridesmaids under 16? Doing the maths the other niece will be 16 by the wedding? Whereas your daughter will only be 12? I’d have just told her they aren’t having any children... (tbh I wouldn’t have a child bridesmaid either)

PositivelyPERF · 17/09/2018 09:35

You could make it a family holiday, but on the day of the wedding, your husband could take your daughter away to a theme park, safari park, or something and they could have a wonderful time together. When your brother or Sil asks why they didn’t come, you could either say your daughter was too upset or she finds weddings boring. 😉

ProcrastinatingPingu · 17/09/2018 09:36

Will cost somewhat to attend

Somewhat? £2500!
DB would then drip feed and MN would be shouting “How much?!”

Starlighter · 17/09/2018 09:40

That’s awful! Your dd is family. And she’s a child. It’s not same as you not having partners and wives, etc as bridesmaids.

I can’t believe your DB is ok with this?! I wouldn’t go. All that money for your dd to feel like crap. No way.

mammmamia · 17/09/2018 09:40

Not read whole thread but sounds to me like your family is gossiping and stirring things up and you’re all making a huge deal out of it.

NotTheFordType · 17/09/2018 09:42

10 years on and I've never really forgiven her. To be honest, I've never really forgiven my brother or my parents for not standing up for me either

WTAF. "Never really forgiven"
What would you do if she did something ACTIVELY cruel, like banging your husband?
Jesus. The entitlement of some people these days.

noenergy · 17/09/2018 09:42

It is upsetting but in my circle of friends bridesmaids are only brides sisters, friends or cousins.

Secondly I think you have made a big deal out of it and this has caused more upset for your daughter than necessary. If you knew she was not going to be a bridesmaid u shouldn't have passed on your feeling to her and you should have kept her well out it to protect her.

As for the cost of the trip it is a lot.

I would have if our with your brother if it really is such a big deal for you so that you can get some sort of clarification._

Trills · 17/09/2018 09:44

I don't understand how you would be "putting your daughter through" anything, unless you think she's going to be treated differently to any other guest.

If she's sad not be bridesmaid, you can help her get over it, if you behave sensibly and calmly. It doesn't sound like this is what you are doing so far.

BigBlueBubble · 17/09/2018 09:45

Ask the bride in front of your family (witnesses) and in front of your sister (so she can’t backtrack on what she told you) whether it’s true that she has purposely not asked your DD to be bridesmaid because she wasn’t your bridesmaid. If it is true then she’s a nasty cow and you want nothing further to do with her. And I hope your family tells her how spiteful she is too. I wouldn’t attend the wedding because your DD will be upset, and I’d make it clear why I wasn’t attending and that this was going to cause a huge family rift for the foreseeable future.

Rhondacross · 17/09/2018 09:46

Well said Trills. Can I just add - ring him. But be prepared to understand his answer and then 100% throw yourself into telling your daughter why it's fun to not be a bridesmaid.

BobLemon · 17/09/2018 09:46

My DB is getting married. The future SIL is lovely. I’ve been married before and long-time MN lurker.

My only advice to her was to ignore how entitled people suddenly get when there’s a wedding. Hmm

Excited0803 · 17/09/2018 09:50

Why on earth are you all stirring in front of an 11 year old girl? 8+ bridesmaids is already ridiculous, there simply isn't room for more. Tell your daughter she'll be having more fun with you and actually make it fun. Next time, shut down the family comments BEFORE she's hearing how the nasty SIL deprived her of a role, it's the stirring that's made her upset, she wouldn't make a random assumption about being a bridesmaid on her own.

Allegorical · 17/09/2018 09:58

Maybe the bridesmaids are all adults and she didn’t want children. Ths 15 year old is old enough to be classed as an adult especially if she is 16 when the wedding takes place.

I wouldn’t make a big deal of it. It’s not your wedding and you are not on the brides side of the family. She can have who she wants.

powerwalk · 17/09/2018 09:58

If she's sad not be bridesmaid, you can help her get over it, if you behave sensibly and calmly. It doesn't sound like this is what you are doing so far

Invalidating feelings is not the best course of action. You can tell dd just to get on with it, but she will just bury her feelings of sadness and exclusion. Sadly it hasn't been handled well, the conversations should have taken place without the child, decisions made and agreed, and then the child told what is happening in a factual way.

I agree the expectation is the problem here.

The child has listened to how unfair and unkind it is, so now she is feeling upset. So now they are in damage limitation and not the calm and relaxed chat you are suggesting. The damage has already been done.

Haireverywhere · 17/09/2018 10:00

I could be way off but is there a chance it's not a punishment as someone told you but just because she doesn't really know your daughter and knows your niece better? I don't think it's unreasonable if that's the case to only have people you know, especially if there wasn't a reciprocal arrangement (where everyone has their siblings children etc).

If you are being 'punished' then I'd probably talk to your brother as that's obviously hurtful.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 17/09/2018 10:05

It's not just about feelings though, it's a kit the money as well.

If they were getting married in the UK and attending the wedding didn't involve a huge amount of time and expense and possibly forgoing a family holiday I'd say just grin and bear it for one day.

But £2500 and a trip abroad with an 8 month old baby to attend a wedding where your daughter has been deliberately and obviously snubbed by Bridezilla who will probably turn into the ex wife from hell in a few years' time anyway?

Fuck that.

Alpacanorange · 17/09/2018 10:06

For this spiteful shit I would not go, your brother is being spineless. It’s his wedding too, he is allowing this. Wow. I would speak to him, ask his advice, if that gets nowhere I wouldn’t go for sake of my daughter.

Enko · 17/09/2018 10:07

Are all the other bridesmaids 15+? Is it possible your SIL to be didn't want a young bridesmaid?

Alpacanorange · 17/09/2018 10:07

And I wouldn’t spend £2,500 + to attend a wedding anyway.