Daughter only one not picked for bridesmaid

[Layanna44]

Would like honest opinions.
My brother is getting marred abroad. Holiday would cost me at least £2500 just to attend. (Expensive location)
My brother only has 2 nieces my daughter (11) and my niece (15). His partner has selected about 8+ bridesmaids (friends and cousins, she has no nieces as she's only child) they have asked my niece to be bridesmaid and have even bought dresses etc. My daughter is the only one not asked and is aware and very upset.
Background info: my sister got married and had brothers partner as bridesmaid. ( she had 10 bridesmaids) when I got married I didn't as I had a small wedding, only having my sister, niece and daughter. I have been told that she is punishing my daughter (11 year old) because I didn't have her as a bridesmaid. Although I didn't have my other brothers partner either or OH SIL's.
Am I wrong to be annoyed? (She is an adult as well in late 20's)

Sorry, should have said, OP, I'd take your daughter off to a holiday of your own, if you find that your future SIL is deliberately excluding your daughter out of sheer pettiness/vindictiveness. If it's not a deliberate slight, perhaps you could go to the wedding, and buy your daughter a really lovely dress (though not one where she could be mistaken for a bridesmaid!) and tell her she'd get bored being a bridesmaid and she can just enjoy a lovely holiday and watch her uncle get married?

Ask the bride if what your sister said is correct.

There’s no upper age for a Bridesmaid, your soon to be SIL is a Bitch of the first order.

Isn’t it possible that it’s less a case of “punishing” you and more a case of thanking your sister for including her in her bridal party. I know a lot of people do feel that they have to reciprocate and obviously that doesn’t apply to you.

If it’s going to upset your DD so much I 100% wouldn’t go. So much money and you could do something lovely instead.

Ask the bride if what your sister said is correct.
This. It’s just hearsay otherwise and seeing her reaction will be telling. If she admits then just say you will be declining the invite as your DD is too upset being left out deliberately.
I would make a point to tell your family members who have told your daughter this that they are ridiculous shit stirring idiots that need to watch their mouths in front of children. Honestly I’d be more annoyed with them

I'd have assumed it was her age, are you sure it's deliberate? Speak to the bride.

Ask the bride if what your sister said is correct.
I think you should do this OP.

My only brother got married a few years ago and I wasn’t asked to be a BM despite having his (then) girlfriend as one at mine and he was a grooms man at mine. He didn’t involve me at all in his wedding but gave roles to my cousins and the bride’s brother instead. He also didn’t include my family (husband and kids) in any pictures. I was (and still am devastated). Like another poster said you wonder what you’ve done/said to make them not like you. Your DD is very aware of it too which is horrible. I think your plan to go elsewhere and not waste your hard earn attending is a very good plan. My relationship with my brother never recovered after his wedding.

Family politics and weddings don’t mix. You’re not close to the bride so yabu to expect your daughter to be picked as a bridesmaid. Are you really considering boycotting your brother’s wedding due to this perceived slight? Your niece was probably selected out of repriocity and not necessarily out of choice either! I suspect the actual wedding will turn out to be a much smaller affair in reality if the planning of it is already causing family ruckus.

Id speak to bride and brother if i were you.

Its shit behaviour but u need to hear it from the horses mouth. I would want to. Maybe they're unsure because youve not committed to going yet so they're not pencilling her name in unless they know your coming?

At the same time is it really worth missing a wedding you can still be a part of and enjoy seeing as your the groom's sister? I think going away elsewhere with your DD at the same time will look like a slap in the face to the bride (she deserves it) but your brother doesnt deserve that surely. Itll only sour the relationship further.

I wouldn’t wreck your relationship with a brother you love because of hearsay about bridesmaids. I’m also a bit surprised you would expect her to be chosen, in any case — bridesmaids are traditionally chosen from among the bride’s friends and family, not the groom’s, and your dad is too old to be a little flower girl and to young to count as a quasi-adult, like your niece.

And tell your family to stop talking in front of your DD, and stoking her sense of grievance. I can’t imagine an 11-year old would be throwing a strop about not going to a wedding unless she’d been encouraged to. The whole situation needs de-dramatising.

Your DD, sorry! Your dad is presumably not a bridesmaid either.

You need to speak to your brother.

I only wanted my cousin to be my bridesmaid and was pressured to have DH’s young teenage sister as another since she was desperate to be a bridesmaid. Saying that, I didn’t have strong feelings either way but It definitely wasn’t my choice and it increased our costs in that I had to take her shopping and pay for her outfit. (My adult cousin chose/bought her own).

Oh dear OP.

I came onto this thread all ready to offer you a but this does sound really quite mean.

I agree that you should ask your DB and his fiancée whether what you have heard (about it being tit for tat) is true. If it's not true, I don't see why they couldn't find the space for one more bridesmaid. If it is true, I think you would be within your rights not to go.

It's a lot to ask people to cough up £2.5k to attend a destination wedding when they have other financial pressures, especially if they have kids, and spending so much money to go to a wedding (and probably having to make it your main holiday) when your daughter has been deliberately excluded from being a bridesmaid just leaves a nasty taste in the mouth. It would be a bit different if she was going to be a bridesmaid and you were all going to have a fabulous family holiday, but neither you nor your daughter feel like going now.

How long has your DB been with his fiancée?

For what it's worth, the expensive destination wedding and 8+ bridesmaids are setting off all kinds of alarm bells in my head. If they are getting married in an expensive far-flung location and there are 8+ bridesmaids, how many people are they expecting to actually go to this wedding? Will there be more bridesmaids than other female guests, or are they actually expecting 100 people to find the money to fly out there?

Your DB's fiancée sounds like a bridezilla and hugely entitled, and your DB sounds daft for not putting his foot down. If he isn't willing to speak up about his niece being excluded as a bridesmaid, I'm willing to bet there are a whole load of other decisions he hasn't had any input into either.

I bet they end up divorcing within 5 years.

I guess it's all relative to your disposable income, but I would imagine you can find better things to do with £2.5 k to go to a wedding that will upset your daughter.

You could clear the air with the bride, but the only outcome of that is your daughter still isn't a bridesmaid, or she is reluctantly included.

I will say again..wether it's hen/stag issues or the wedding itself..they are invariably nothing but hassle and stress .

Is this actually what your sister’n’law said or is it family gossip? You ar le both adults - just ask her. She’s organising a wedding and would be very busy - she may have just asked your niece as at 15 is more of an adult than a child. I have a 11 year old daughter - i’m Guessing it does happen but I know more 11 year olds that are more flower girls rather than bridesmaids. Your relationship with your sister in law sounds damaged already so you have nothing to lose so you mind as well ask. You might find once she realises your daughter is upset she finds a role in the wedding for her. Weddings are funny things - please don’t lose sight of the fact lots of people expect roles in weddings. I also took my children to my brothers wedding overseas and airfares alone were £6k. My children were not the only family children not given a role - but I still went and the night before the wedding the bride gave them a role.

She's having 8+ bridesmaids and decided against asking your 11 year old DD, who already knows she's the only niece being left out? Nice.

I wouldn't go, personally. Fuck spending £2.5K to have my child's self worth hammered further into the ground like a bloody tent peg. If you've got the money to spend, OP, can you book a nice family holiday for you all instead?

You need to hear it from the bride as she said it. Or tell your brother if you're not brave enough that you are not going because you heard it was done out of spite and you'd rather not be around that. Wish him well and get him a nice card.

Don't do a long distance wedding feeling you've been shit on on purpose. You'll be too chewed up by then. Either sort it or don't go.

Your sister may have told you but I'd still want to hear it from the Bride herself.

I think I would be tempted to call her out on her tit for tat comment. I think just being assertive to ask why too. If it is what you think they I wouldn't go.

Still laughing out loud at Lelands typo about OPs dad being too old to be a little flower girl - just sensing his disappointment.....!

SIL has hammered a wedge between you and your brother, but not attending will only cause more damage. And not attending is such a visible rejection of your brother, it would be hard for your relationship to get over it.
This isn't playground politics, this is real life and what you do will affect your family relationships going forwards.
I think you have to speak to your daughter and agree between you to tough it out on the day.

I am probably not going to go which is also a hard decision (not the money - saving that is easier 😂) but I can't put my daughter through that

Through what? Not being a bridesmaid at 11? Why would you put YOUR issues with it on your child? Such an overly dramatic reaction and probably no reflection on how anyone feels about you or your child. Special treats and dresses and even holidays? WTF?
There's probably no coming back from a tantrum like you are about to throw.
Probably better to get a grip.

Ps - don’t go. My SIL is toxic and I wish I had the guts to really call her on it but don’t really want to give her the satisfaction (and risk never seeing their DC again)