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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter only one not picked for bridesmaid

254 replies

Layanna44 · 17/09/2018 04:35

Would like honest opinions.
My brother is getting marred abroad. Holiday would cost me at least £2500 just to attend. (Expensive location)
My brother only has 2 nieces my daughter (11) and my niece (15). His partner has selected about 8+ bridesmaids (friends and cousins, she has no nieces as she's only child) they have asked my niece to be bridesmaid and have even bought dresses etc. My daughter is the only one not asked and is aware and very upset.
Background info: my sister got married and had brothers partner as bridesmaid. ( she had 10 bridesmaids) when I got married I didn't as I had a small wedding, only having my sister, niece and daughter. I have been told that she is punishing my daughter (11 year old) because I didn't have her as a bridesmaid. Although I didn't have my other brothers partner either or OH SIL's.
Am I wrong to be annoyed? (She is an adult as well in late 20's)

OP posts:
YouOKHun · 17/09/2018 07:03

Is this family speculation and assumption or do you know for a fact that she is ‘punishing’ you and your daughter. By ‘fact’ I mean has she stated this?

Namelessinseattle · 17/09/2018 07:04

Actually just realised this happened to me, three nieces, my aunt had one (15) as a bm and the other (5) as a flower girl, I think I was a little jealous of the dresses but my mom just made a fuss of shopping for mine. There’s no way as a 10 year old I felt it was anything to do with me more to do with ages.

speakout · 17/09/2018 07:05

A lucky break.

I would not attend the wedding, spend the money on a lovely holiday elsewhere.

topcat2014 · 17/09/2018 07:06

Surely you fill up available bm spaces with all the young family girls, THEN if you really need to move onto friends?

Bridezilla, to me, I wouldn't go.

crazydoglady6867 · 17/09/2018 07:08

That is so cruel of your future SIL, and your brother to be honest, with the bridesmaid thing aside I wouldn’t spend 2500 pound to go to any wedding. I think your daughter not being bridesmaid is your get out. Spend that money going away somewhere of your own choosing.

AgentJohnson · 17/09/2018 07:12

Your brother is a wet fish. Decline the invitation and if your family insist on talking about it all the time then tell them to keep their traps shut around your DD.

Personally, I think that you and your DD have dodged a massive bullet.

CeeCeeEnnEss · 17/09/2018 07:13

I didn’t invite my teenage SIL to be a bridesmaid and it was really because I just wanted my closest friends, because that suited me. It wasn’t about her, just as this is probably not actually about your DD.

In my case it caused WW3 but that would probably have happened anyway.

rjay123 · 17/09/2018 07:13

Ask the bride directly. Make it all sickly sweet, so you can’t be portrayed as the bad guy.

Assuming that she gives the same reason....

Then thank her for the invitation, but politely decline.

bengalcat · 17/09/2018 07:13

£2.5k to attend a wedding - I wouldn't go for that reason alone never mind the bridesmaid thing - who needs 8+ bridesmaids anyway - wish your brother all the best anyway has

Aragog · 17/09/2018 07:14

11 too young to be a bridesmaid???

I was a bridesmaid 4 times between the ages of 3 and 14 - flower girls weren't a thing then. We just said bridesmaids and sometimes a maid of honour. Dd was a bridesmaid at age 8y.

Is there really that much difference between a bridesmaid and a flower girl??

bengalcat · 17/09/2018 07:15

Oops sent before I'd finished - meant to add wish your brother all the best as if he can't override the bride on this issue he's in for a challenge

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/09/2018 07:16

I'm curious to know who has told you that she is punishing you through your DD.

Sounds like someone is stirring.

dinosaurkisses · 17/09/2018 07:17

@Namelessinseattle I’m irish as well and I’m wondering if it’s cultural. In our family being a bridesmaid is seen as an adult responsibility and 11 would definitely be seen as too young. Not every wedding has flower girls or page boys either, so much of the time if your child is under 16 it’s assumed they won’t be included in the bridal party at all.

StepBackNow · 17/09/2018 07:21

Just don't go. And when other people ask why tell them. SiL is a cow.

emmyrose2000 · 17/09/2018 07:23

I wouldn't have agreed to attend a destination wedding in the first place.

It'd be over my dead body that I'd attend any wedding, destination or otherwise, when my child had been treated so badly. I'd also make sure they knew why we weren't attending.

Bride sounds like a nasty bridezilla and groom is a gutless wonder for not standing up for his niece.

Who told you it was in retaliation for not having SIL as your bridesmaid? Is it actual fact, or just supposition?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/09/2018 07:24

IF she is being spiteful I wouldn’t go all that way. Make sure you understand her reasons though. 8/10 bridesmaids sounds like a circus, especially for a wedding abroad.

ineedaholidaynow · 17/09/2018 07:31

Is there any family connection to where they are getting married or is it just a fancy destination wedding? If all the other bridesmaids are having to stump up £2,500 to attend I bet they wish they hadn't been chosen

Loopyloopy · 17/09/2018 07:33

Is your source reliable? Like others have said, I've never heard of an 11yo bridesmaid. Even 15 is a bit young!

OliviaStabler · 17/09/2018 07:34

I think the problem is now that this seed of her not choosing your dd was tit for tat, it colours the whole event. Your db and his partner will not admit it openly and it could be an incorrect assumption but the seed is there.

I wouldn't go. The whole thing has been tainted now for you both.

CrocosmiaLucifer · 17/09/2018 07:39

When did people start having so many bridesmaids especially abroad. What difference will one more make!

dinosaurkisses · 17/09/2018 07:43

If the bride actually ends up with 8+ attendants on the day, I’d be amazed.

People are flaky at the best of times, throw in the pain in the arse that is a destination wedding and at least one will drop out.

Gwenhwyfar · 17/09/2018 07:53

"Is there really that much difference between a bridesmaid and a flower girl??"

No, it's rubbish. I was a bridesmaid at 7 and then again at 30. Only difference was that at 30 I went to the hen night and was also the witness.

Original poster
Layanna44 · 17/09/2018 07:58

Thank you all for ur messages.
I have been told by my sister that it has been said by the bride to be. (Title for tat etc) Not speculating. But maybe I should be more careful with what other people say. I do trust my sister tho.
I am probably not going to go which is also a hard decision (not the money - saving that is easier 😂) but I can't put my daughter through that.
Ps in UK but not Irish. As a few commented on the ages for Irish bridesmaids😊

OP posts:
BolleauxtoBankers · 17/09/2018 07:59

Bridesmaids can be any age, surely? Though in my day, if there was a large number of them and over a range of ages, one of the older ones would be designated "Maid (or Matron, if she was married) of Honour". I was bridesmaid at a posh wedding when I was six and the next year, the dress I wore (chosen and bought by the bride) was recycled at my aunt's smaller, less costly, wedding. Fortunately it was a long dress as I had had a growth spurt! No messing around with colour schemes and all that!

MyCatIsBonkers · 17/09/2018 08:00

If you daughter wasn't asked for normal reasons eg too many already, age etc, then you just suck it up and carry on.

If she genuinely hasn't been asked out of spite then they can jog on and get married without you there. Use the money to do something really nice for youselves.

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