Daughter only one not picked for bridesmaid

[Layanna44]

Would like honest opinions.
My brother is getting marred abroad. Holiday would cost me at least £2500 just to attend. (Expensive location)
My brother only has 2 nieces my daughter (11) and my niece (15). His partner has selected about 8+ bridesmaids (friends and cousins, she has no nieces as she's only child) they have asked my niece to be bridesmaid and have even bought dresses etc. My daughter is the only one not asked and is aware and very upset.
Background info: my sister got married and had brothers partner as bridesmaid. ( she had 10 bridesmaids) when I got married I didn't as I had a small wedding, only having my sister, niece and daughter. I have been told that she is punishing my daughter (11 year old) because I didn't have her as a bridesmaid. Although I didn't have my other brothers partner either or OH SIL's.
Am I wrong to be annoyed? (She is an adult as well in late 20's)

Is it possible your SIL to be didn't want a young bridesmaid?

I didn't particularly want one of the people my husband chose to be a witness, but here's the thing. It's our wedding, not mine.

Unless you have plenty of disposable income to spend on this wedding I really wouldn't bother going.

I agree that you should talk to your brother and make him squirm for being such a useless prick own his behaviour.

Your loyalty has to be with your child. She needs to know that you put her first and won't tolerate people treating her badly.

Please speak to your SiL to be OP. She deserves to know what a shit stirring and inappropriate family she is marrying into.

I would check with your brother to see if there is a good reason for not choosing your DD as a bridemaid but unless they can come up with anything that would make her feel okay, I would just not go. £2,500 for an event which will upset your DD does not seem like a good idea.
If your SIL is such a bitch the marriage may not last anyway.

You are being childish and dramatic. You are teaching your daughter to be the same. Your sister possibly is a major player in this, stirring the shit as well talking about the brother's partner like that. All this mysterious 'I've been told'. By who? Head of the Bridesmaid Police secret service?? Shit stirrers love to stir it up and induce others to outbursts of behaviour to do their dirty work for them. You'd end up in a rift with your brother while your sister (who may have incited you to action) gets to go to all the family events.
Don't get me wrong, we all love a Bitching session. Fine if you hadn't dragged your daughter into it. The bride might not want smaller children as bridesmaids, simple as.
Rise above it. Transcend it.
Grow the eff up to the wedding and enjoy it. Instead of isolating yourself and your daughter. Or staging A Dramatic Stunt by going off in A Very Big Huff on a holiday elsewhere.
You are actively now plotting to create a rift in your family where there is no need for one. Worst of all, you are making your daughter the 'cause' of it. No wonder she is upset. She will miss out on the wedding now and be the 'cause' of a family feud for years, decades even.
What is best for the long run?
Don't cut your nose off to spite your face.

Why on earth are you all stirring in front of an 11 year old girl? 8+ bridesmaids is already ridiculous, there simply isn't room for more. Tell your daughter she'll be having more fun with you and actually make it fun. Next time, shut down the family comments BEFORE she's hearing how the nasty SIL deprived her of a role, it's the stirring that's made her upset, she wouldn't make a random assumption about being a bridesmaid on her own.

Indeed. The family shit-stirring has created the OP's DD's upset I would be very surprised if an 11 year old spontaneously felt aggrieved she wasn't being a bridesmaid at her uncle's wedding. Most 11 year olds would be thrilled at the thought of a longhaul exotic holiday. It's not as though there are several nieces and she's the only one left out there are two nieces, and the other one was chosen, possibly because of her age.

How much it will cost to attend the wedding is a complete red herring here, OP. If you can't afford it, or don't want to spend that kind of money on a wedding, it's perfectly understandable it's a huge amount of money, and people who choose distant weddings are, or should be, aware that not everyone can attend but that's a separate issue to the bridesmaid choices, and it's illogical and very petty to imply your child is 'owed' a bridesmaid position simply because it will cost you £2500 to attend.

Who has that many bridesmaids? Does she only want adults though as she wants them all in the same dress? A fifteen year old can wear the same dress as an adult, an eleven year old not so much

I have been told that she is punishing my daughter (11 year old) because I didn't have her as a bridesmaid

Did you sister tell you that your SIL actually said she was 'punishing' your daughter? That just sounds so unlikely. No one would say that 🤷🏻‍♀️

I do think you've blown this up out of all propertion, OP. The bride picks the bridesmaids and it sounds as if you don't actually see her very often and she may not even know your DD very well at all.

Also, totally wrong of your family to talk about this in front of your DD, I can't believe you didn't cut them off straight away. It will be that she's upset about. Stop going on about it, no wonder she doesn't want to go - but she did before you put the idea into her head that it was a snub/insult/whatever, despite you not having any of your in-laws in your wedding party it's not OK when you are the in-law and it is a deliberate snub to your DD? I'm sure you didn't think it a snub to your SIL so why is it different now?

Obviously it's your decision whether to go or not (I am not a fan of destination weddings myself!) but if your DD doesn't want to go then that's purely because of what she's heard you and your family say. She wanted to go beforehand!

How nasty of your sil. Your brother is no better. Leaving out ONE niece is not on.
No way would I be attending. I would rather take my daughter on a nice holiday instead. Stuff them. I really wouldn't be going out my way to contact them again. They have shown how much you and dd mean to them so show them the same treatment.

Indeed. The family shit-stirring has created the OP's DD's upset I would be very surprised if an 11 year old spontaneously felt aggrieved she wasn't being a bridesmaid at her uncle's wedding. Most 11 year olds would be thrilled at the thought of a longhaul exotic holiday. It's not as though there are several nieces and she's the only one left out there are two nieces, and the other one was chosen, possibly because of her age.

How much it will cost to attend the wedding is a complete red herring here, OP. If you can't afford it, or don't want to spend that kind of money on a wedding, it's perfectly understandable it's a huge amount of money, and people who choose distant weddings are, or should be, aware that not everyone can attend but that's a separate issue to the bridesmaid choices, and it's illogical and very petty to imply your child is 'owed' a bridesmaid position simply because it will cost you £2500 to attend.

^This. There is also a world^ of difference between "withholding a bridesmaid position as a punishment" for the DD and "Having the 15yo as a bridesmaid because the FSIL was their mum's bridesmaid".

I don't really understand this ' the only one not picked' business.There are only 2 nieces! You could look at it that only one was picked!

Obviously the bride picks people from her side her friends, her cousins etc because their role is supporters of the bride.
Then she has asked a token member of the grooms side.

when one of my dsis's ot married she had only toddler attendants so DD2 aged 2 got picked but not my 5 year old.I think you are taking it way too personally.

Similar situation for me at the moment. SIL getting married later this year, they live abroad. They have asked all of my husbands sisters kids (5 children) to be flower girls/page boys but didn't ask my 2 girls to be a part of the wedding. I find this so odd. My husband asked his sister but didn't really get a clear reason why ours have been left out. Anyway, I have decided not to take the kids and my husband is going solo. The main justification is that its during school time, but also of course there is the anger at them leaving my kids out!
as an aside, no way would I pay £2.5k to attend a wedding !

Did you sister tell you that your SIL actually said she was 'punishing' your daughter? That just sounds so unlikely. No one would say that

I know someone who said something like that, so yes I believe it.

Slightly at people who think 11 is young to be a bridesmaid. Have they really never watched or seen photos of a royal wedding?

You need to set an example to your DD. If she sees you being hurt and offended she will be too. You don't know why she wasn't chosen but you can be matter of fact about it. Tell her there will be other opportunities when she's older.

Without wishing to stir, and apologies if I've missed someone else suggesting this, but it possible that your SILTB doesn't want you there with an eight month old baby? Maybe she's hoping you won't come if your DD isn't involved. Is it a child unfriendly wedding?

When I was young I was the only one not to be picked as a bridesmaid for my aunt's wedding. I'd have absolutely loved it and seeing the other girls in their dresses and posing for photos, I realised it was probably because I was an ugly duckling. It was shit.
Save your DD's feelings and £2500.

when i plan anything (parties / wedding / anything) i always include first the ones who included me. i would feel awful otherwise. You say you had 3 bridesmaids but didnt include her. Maybe she felt hurt and sad and didnt want to bring it up? When shes done her list she has included DN because your sister included her.

I can see this is hurtful (and personally wouldnt do it myself) but I dont really think you have a right to be pushing it, as you left her out of your wedding and unfortunately bridesmaids are, generally, the brides choice.

I don't understand why your DD had an expectation she would be a bridesmaid. I'd have told her that the bride wanted one child to represent your DB's family and so opted for the eldest. There's no need for all the drama and upset. And there's no way I would miss my brother's wedding because an 11-yr-old was upset that she wasn't a bridesmaid.
As for whether your DSIL did say it was tit for tat, you can either address that afterwards or let it slide. I wouldn't be causing a family rift over who gets to be bridesmaid.

I would ask her directly why your daughter was snubbed and mention the rumour you've heard and that your daughter's heard the same rumour and that you're not sure if attending is the best idea now because she's upset.

If she really is punishing a child then I wouldn't go to the wedding or send so much as a card. Your brother is spineless and only has himself to blame for not sticking up for his niece.

So mean of your SIL to do this. Is she not close to your neice at all? I can’t imagine doing this to any of my nieces or nephews. Mind you 30 years ago I was the only neice not asked to be a bridesmaid because I had brown hair instead of blonde and I’d spoil the look

Could it be at 11 she's just too young compared to the others? Are the rest older than her. If I was just having adult bridesmaids (not flower girls) I wouldn't want any younger than 15/16

I wouldn't even bother speaking to the SIL.

I'd decline the invitation directly to your brother and explain exactly why your DD does not want to attend.

I would message her and your brother saying you won’t be attending as you have been told that she has purposely excluded your daughter as tit for tat. Tell them that you are shocked and disappointed that they would punish their 11yro niece in such a way.

If they reply saying that’s not why she’s included, then you’ll soon find out their reasoning.

I think the SIL-to-be has every right to choose her bridesmaids BUT she's a bit of a cow if she did tell anyone those reported reasons (and the 'anyone' is a complete shit stirrer). I don't blame your dd for being upset if everyone is discussing it in front of her - why are you all doing that? Next time I'd be quite blunt and say do we really have to talk about this AGAIN?

But mostly I think your DB and soon-to-be SIL ABVVVU for having an expensive destination wedding and expecting everyone to cough up for it. Everyone I know who has done this has gone with a couple of really close mates and then had a massive party for everyone at home afterwards.

In your position when it was first discussed I would have said sorry, I can't justify the cost. Now I would use the 8 month old as an excuse to duck out (personally a holiday abroad with an 8 month old sounds like hell to me - it was hard enough being at home at that stage).