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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter only one not picked for bridesmaid

254 replies

Layanna44 · 17/09/2018 04:35

Would like honest opinions.
My brother is getting marred abroad. Holiday would cost me at least £2500 just to attend. (Expensive location)
My brother only has 2 nieces my daughter (11) and my niece (15). His partner has selected about 8+ bridesmaids (friends and cousins, she has no nieces as she's only child) they have asked my niece to be bridesmaid and have even bought dresses etc. My daughter is the only one not asked and is aware and very upset.
Background info: my sister got married and had brothers partner as bridesmaid. ( she had 10 bridesmaids) when I got married I didn't as I had a small wedding, only having my sister, niece and daughter. I have been told that she is punishing my daughter (11 year old) because I didn't have her as a bridesmaid. Although I didn't have my other brothers partner either or OH SIL's.
Am I wrong to be annoyed? (She is an adult as well in late 20's)

OP posts:
PrincessConsuelaBanana · 18/09/2018 19:18

Sorry OP but I don’t think your SIL is being unreasonable. Putting myself in her position I would feel obligated to reciprocate to your sister by having your DN as bridesmaid - not necessarily excluding your DD as ‘revenge’ to you.
I don’t blame your DD feeling miffed about it but really you (and the rest of your family) should have tried to minimise this by not talking about revenge etc in front of her, and explain how in some situations in life you will be left out- not everyone can be bridesmaid. Ultimately the bride can choose who she wants (as I’m constantly reading on MN) I think your DB and SIL are perhaps unreasonable for not speaking to their DN themselves though?
If you don’t go to the wedding due to cost that’s completely reasonable. But I think it is unreasonable to not go because your DD hasn’t been asked to be bridesmaid.
However I am sorry you and your DD have been upset by this situation - I know how upsetting it can feel in family situations when you feel you’re being excluded, but I think you may be looking at this from the wrong angle and seeing bad treatment of your DD where it wasn’t intended like that.

Shockers · 18/09/2018 19:21

I’ve tried to skim through the whole thread, so sorry if you’ve already mentioned and I missed it, but does your SIL have any children?

Raindancer411 · 18/09/2018 19:30

Could you talk to your DB and just say that you don’t think you can attend as his niece is really upset and can plainly see she has been ignored. That you will not enjoy the day seeing your daughter feeling upset and also that you may not be able to enjoy it if she acts up due to it. Also having an 8 month old go travel with is a whole different ball game as it is. Is it a long haul or short flight?

amy85 · 18/09/2018 19:38

I wouldn't go and if asked would make it clear why

Leapfrog44 · 18/09/2018 20:04

I'd pull out and tell your brother why over the phone. It's a pointed and deliberate attempt to be nasty to you and she doesn't deserve you as a guest.

lindalee3 · 18/09/2018 20:09

@BlondeBakingMumma

11 is a bit young to be a bridesmaid.

Really?! Confused Every wedding I have ever been to has had at LEAST one bridesmaid under 11. Often as young as 3 or 4.

@Layanna44 YANBU. I would have to ask why. (Ask your brother.)

Also, on another note, people who get married abroad really piss me off. Do they not realise how much expense and inconvenience they are causing people!

mumtoanangel · 18/09/2018 20:12

I honestly wouldn't go.too upsetting for your daughter

Icanttakemuchmore · 18/09/2018 20:41

Ring future sil and call her out on it, ask her direct why she hasn't chosen your Dd? Then you can then decide whether to go or not based on her answer. What have you got to lose?

Sassielassie · 18/09/2018 21:24

I think u may be overthinking this. In all the things you have to think about when organising a wedding do u really think SIL has had time to hatch this evil plan or has this been blown out of proportion by those around her who have realised this girl has been left out when SIL maybe hasnt realised. When i got married i only wanted a small wedding. I asked my BF to be BM and one niece. My SIL ended up phoning me and asking if my nieces sister could also be BM as she was worried about her feeling left out. I hadnt even thought about it. I explained about wanting a small wedding but offered to have a special picture taken with her as horseshoe girl to give her a job on the day. Then my nephew called to say he felt left out so he got the VIP job of usher. Sometimes you just dont realise people are desperate to be included. U are so wrapped up in organising everything. But if u dont ask u dont get.

Kateguide · 18/09/2018 21:31

Hi, I think you should go to the wedding (if you can afford it), this is your brother and if you don't go, he (and your future SIL) will remember it forever.
Regarding the bridesmaid, it's a tough situation but I would absolutely make sure you know why she wasn't picked. I am hoping it's her age rather than your future SIL being horrible. I have been a bridesmaid 7 times , all as an adult; sometimes there were young flower girls or bridesmaids and I have to say it just added another layer of hassle to the wedding day. More people at the house to get ready, tired children having strops and inevitably 1 or 2 of the adult bridesmaids being a babysitter. When I got married I just decided to have grown up bridesmaids.

Although it may be upsetting for your daughter, I am sure she will get over it, make a fuss of getting her wedding outfit. Tell your family to stop talking about it as well, they are not helping the situation.

Kate0902900908 · 18/09/2018 21:35

Growing up I wasn’t a bridesmaid at 2 relatives weddings and it left a mark on my self esteem. I got married last year and had 15 bridesmaids. 5 neices, 2 sisters, 2 sister in laws, 5 cousins & 1 friend. Non or all.
I had to reduce the cost of each dress and asked them to buy their own shoes. Everyone was happy to do so.
I wouldn’t go to the wedding. If your brother can’t stand up and say something in regairds to his own family then I would ring him and say you won’t be attending your sorry but you child is upset and as a mother you can’t do that.

Daughter only one not picked for bridesmaid
Spanglylycra · 18/09/2018 21:53

Say you're on maternity leave and you can't afford it. Job done.

Original poster
Layanna44 · 18/09/2018 22:51

Thanks all for ur messages and advice. It's nice to know ur not alone. I'm still undecided at present but will be having a long hard think and will need to make a decision very soon.

OP posts:
Commonpeoplelikeme · 19/09/2018 00:04

Go! It’s your brother who you get along with. Give your daughter another reason why she’s not one - don’t let her feel it is on purpose and make her feel insecure. If you don’t go, goodness knows what shit will be said about it. There’s plenty of time for revenge and karma if the reason is tit for tat!

passwordfailure · 19/09/2018 01:38

What a sweet picture Kate! How nice of you to have everyone. I have to ask, are you English? That amount is unusual.

Sleepykate · 19/09/2018 04:14

I wouldn't go

Snitzelvoncrumb · 19/09/2018 04:22

Don't make her go, she is so young and it's just cruel. I was worried my Sil would have her her nieces as flower girls and my daughter would have been devastated to be left out. My Sil is lovely and I wouldn't want to be rude, so I was going to just not bring my kids. But she didn't have a bridal party so no one was left out.

Devilishpyjamas · 19/09/2018 04:49

Is the bride American or Australian or something? Bridesmaids seem to be done differently in different countries.

I wpuldn’t not go because of the bridesmaid bit (would play it down & day must be adult only & her cousin is prettt much adult), but the cost would be enough to make me question whether I really wanted to go.

Drop the bridesmaid issue then decide whether you want to go.

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 19/09/2018 09:05

Did you get the truth to your brother Layanna44? Did he confirm what your sister said?

Thehappygardener · 19/09/2018 10:12

I think it would be very hard to spend a week with people who had deliberately snubbed your daughter, if this is what actually happened. Can you ask your sister in law if they could have your daughter as bridesmaid? You’ve sounded slightly unsure about going anyway, and with an 8 month old with you, it might be quite difficult anyway. The whole thing might just have been an oversight and others may have added 2 and 2 together and come up with 9!

Hope it goes well, whatever happens 🌺

Canuckduck · 19/09/2018 12:47

Who cares? I’d be looking at it as a blessing. You don’t have to buy the a dress (which might be more adult in style), have hair done etc. You love your brother, your whole family will be there. It will be a brilliant time. If you don’t go it will cause family drama. Downplay it to your daughter and tell her that it’s for older girls / there was a limit on bridesmaids / she’ll get to have much more fun without the work.

SherbrookeFosterer · 19/09/2018 16:10

I think rejection is the hardest of all the life lessons.

Whenever it happens to me I still struggle with it even though I am basically quite fortunate in the greater scheme of things.

Lindalee3 · 19/09/2018 19:15

Awwww @Kate0902900908 I frikkin' LOVE that pic. How sweet. And how lovely that you have such a big, close family.

I honestly think that most people can have lots of bridesmaids if they choose. You can get bridesmaids dresses from £15 each, and I think to ask them to buy their own shoes is fine. I mean, they will keep them, and can use them for other things... The flowers don't have to be stupidly expensive either.

Which one are you? The blonde at the back (in the middle?)

Whichever one you are, you are a gorgeous bunch! Smile

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/09/2018 20:03

Kate0902900908

Lovely picture, its on a par with the ring bearer/hobbit picture from another posters wedding.

Kate0902900908 · 19/09/2018 22:34

@Lindalee3
Thank you so much! I’m not on the picture it’s just of all the bridemaids! The dresses were around £30 each hand made to size!! The lady who did them was in China and I contacted her directly and she made and sent them from the measurements we took a “bridemaids day” and a “mini-maids” day lol
I’ve attached a picture of us all x

Daughter only one not picked for bridesmaid