to chase my friend re her baby gifts?

[raviolee]

I'm getting close to my due date. I'm only 33 weeks but there's a chance baby could end up coming sooner. I won't go in to the reasons for this but I'm high risk and not looking like I'll make it to 40 weeks!

A friend of ours has been saying for 3ish months that they have loads of clothes and bits and bobs for us. We keep saying 'great, let us know when we can collect it!' Etc etc.

It's getting to a point where we need to know what she's giving us so we know what we still need to buy. I feel bad chasing her as I've asked a few times when we can go round to collect stuff. She keeps saying she will let me know.

How can I chase this up without seeming massively grabby and ungrateful? It's not the case at all. I'm so grateful and am going to give her some money even though she hasn't asked, I'm just anxious we need to start buying! I don't want to buy stuff and for her to then say 'oh we could've given you that!'

How do I go about chasing this without being hugely annoying?

So she fobbed you off three times but this time says “sure, pop round tomorrow”?
Well, wasn’t that lucky?

@Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar probably because this time I sent her a slightly more blunt (but still nice) message?

What's your point? That I'm lying?

@LuluBellaBlue yes I'm giving her £150 for everything. If it looks like it's worth more then I'll give her more. There's a lot of stuff!

Well that’s good news that you are getting the stuff. People have been a little harsh on here, and I assume there was some financial hardship which meant buying this stiff was not really an option for you.

I suppose everyone is different and this friend knows you a lot better than any of us. She did offer in the first place so hopefully she is happy to part with the stiff. If you are paying it means you don’t have to return it when you are finished. I know friends who lent exp massive gear only to find it was sold or passed on when they expected it to be returned!!

All the best with the baby

Why are people embarrassed for me? Having a baby is ridiculously expensive in the beginning when you're buying everything. If someone has offered a load of stuff more than once why on earth would I not chase their offer? If it were a few baby grows then yes I would probably just leave it, but it's not. It's stuff she supposedly was desperate to get rid of and stuff I need. She's clearly been flakey and just forgot, and thanks to lots of you and your text suggestions (which worked) I'm going to pick things up today! I've seen photos of a lot of it and it's definitely nothing to be embarrassed about...

Thanks folks for your responses!

Pushy or what?!

OP is probably type of person to whom the phrase, "We must meet up sometime," is taken to be an arrangement, and not a fobbing off.

Hide of rhino.

@IrmaFayLear I'm really not.

I think "we must meet up sometime" is a little different to "I have loads of baby stuff you must take off our hands if you need it, just let me know"

I sent her a slightly more blunt message after she ignored the first three
I totally agree with hide of a rhino.

@Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar she didn't ignore the first three. She responded implying she still had the stuff, and would let me know, then clearly forgot.

I've been in touch yes with a slightly more blunt message and am going to pick it up today. Don't really see the problem until she actually lets me know she doesn't want to give it to me anymore (which she clearly does!).

Good job I'm entitled and pushy though eh!

@Mymycherrypie it's not free I'm giving her money for it. I'm not 'begging free stuff' whatever that means. I also haven't moaned to her that it's not coming fast enough. I've been extremely grateful, I'm paying for everything, more than she would likely get online, I'm not well, have pre-eclampsia, baby likely coming soon and I need to get sorted. That seems hard for some people to understand!

I think it's good that you're now paying towards all the baby goods as I think there was probably some miscommunication resulting in your assumption that it was all 'gifts', hence your op.

I have made the mistake of letting friends have some baby equipment (expecting it to be returned) only to find out they'd passed it on to someone else without my permission and one feckless twat even used my maternity clothes for wearing to decorating her bloody house !!

Just because someone offers you something, doesn't mean its to 'keep' or as a 'gift'.

I would never give anything to anyone again.

She might be thinking about having another and is now back peddling

Failing eh? Doesn’t giving someone something mean it’s theirs to do what they wanted with it? Unless you had expressly said, I’m loaning x to you and will need it back by y, you can’t expect people to give baby stuff back! We were given so much and then passed onto the next friend we knew was expecting. That’s how it works, surely?
But I do know a couple who were gifted a lot of stuff and then sent a bill by the giver. That was effing rude.

OMG why are people giving the OP such a hard time? She has explained patiently and reasonably the sequence of events and I see no sign of her being grabby, entitled or mean. Give her a break.
Enjoy your baby, OP!

@Beetlegum you are obviously another person who assumes everything you are given to use is for you to keep.

No.

I gave items for friends to use in their pregnancy and with the baby. I didn't expect them to not return them or at least ask.

If someone lets me have something I always return it when I'm finished with it. I thought that was normal.

It's always better to ask if they want the stuff returned or not.

Glad you persevered OP. Just think of all that stuff that now won't need to go to landfill, your friend gets loft space back and some cash and gets to help out a friend.

I've offered baby stuff to friends before then not wanted to dump it on them too early in case they've got less storage space/felt superstitious about getting things ahead of time etc. I might have needed a blunt reminder too - and would have been grateful for that.

Digging things out of a loft or wherever is the sort of job that's easy to put off until a friend explains that they need it now.

It's nice to see that OP could communicate with her friend without reading all sorts into a bit of disorganisation. And really nice gesture to keep offering money, even though initially refused. Everyone's a winner!

Good result OP!

Don't worry OP, I've seen some of the people being dicks to you here be dicks on other threads, so pretty normal for them.

Good result [smile[

Failing no, my point was that unless you make it clear the stuff is not a gift, it will be taken that way. Your expectations have no voice unless you make them crystal clear.

And to be honest, I never ‘lend’ because whether it’s money or stuff, it can end badly if expectations on both sides are not clear. I always ‘give’ with the expectation of not getting back. If something's returned, I’m always delighted to receive it back, but don’t expect it. Big believer in it all coming out in the wash in the end.

OMG why are people giving the OP such a hard time?

Because that is what AIBU is all about, have you not realised that? An OP could come on here to say that kittens are cute and there’d be someone calling her a cunt within the hour.

Kittens are cute though!

Do you speak to her in person much? I would just tell her what you have said on here. I guess she will be aware of the problems in your pregnancy is she?

Just say you are stressed and want to get everything ready incase you go early. Would she mind you collecting the stuff. Maybe mention about the money too. It might be she thought about giving it to you but.considering some of the items are valuable she wished she had offered to sell instead.

Oh sorry just saw your update. Great news!

Glad you’re getting the baby stuff OP.
It could be that she was feeling sentimental about getting rid of her baby stuff. I know you’re paying her for the stuff but maybe take some flowers along too. It would feel more personal.