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AIBU?

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Original poster

to chase my friend re her baby gifts?

249 replies

raviolee · 16/09/2018 18:33

I'm getting close to my due date. I'm only 33 weeks but there's a chance baby could end up coming sooner. I won't go in to the reasons for this but I'm high risk and not looking like I'll make it to 40 weeks!

A friend of ours has been saying for 3ish months that they have loads of clothes and bits and bobs for us. We keep saying 'great, let us know when we can collect it!' Etc etc.

It's getting to a point where we need to know what she's giving us so we know what we still need to buy. I feel bad chasing her as I've asked a few times when we can go round to collect stuff. She keeps saying she will let me know.

How can I chase this up without seeming massively grabby and ungrateful? It's not the case at all. I'm so grateful and am going to give her some money even though she hasn't asked, I'm just anxious we need to start buying! I don't want to buy stuff and for her to then say 'oh we could've given you that!'

How do I go about chasing this without being hugely annoying?

OP posts:
FullOfNothing · 16/09/2018 20:37

We had someone do this when I was pregnant colleague/friend of my husband's said the guy and his wife offered to give us loads of stuff for our daughter as they were done having children.

Then hemmed and hawed about the best time to give it to us when my husband followed up on it. I lack patience for stuff like that so just found loads of nice used bundles of baby clothes on eBay. Turned out later I think it was colleagues wife's brother had found out he was expecting a girl with his wife so the clothes were going there. 🙄

Good thing I already knew his colleague was a flake so I wasn't counting on the promised items.

Maybe something like this has happened with your friend, someone in her family is pregnant and shed rather give them the stuff?

Starlight345 · 16/09/2018 20:38

I agree get on eBay local baby fb groups

melj1213 · 16/09/2018 20:43

OP I would stop messaging vague hints and just be direct and give concrete deadlines for her to sort the stuff and make it available. If she misses them then just go and buy your own and write her offer off. At least then you aren't left hanging.

Hi friend, my due date is fast approaching (especially as baby seems determined to come early!) so I need to get everything prepared for baby's arrival. In preparation for this I will be going shopping for everything I still need this weekend.

Do you still have the XYZ you said I could borrow? If so, I am free on X/Y day so can I collect them then? If not, or those days don't work for you, then don't worry as I will just get everything at the weekend.

TomHardysNextWife · 16/09/2018 20:50

If she was going to give it you, she would have done by now.

I was "kindly" given about 6 black bin liners of baby clothes from a friend of my gran's.... when I was about 14 weeks pregnant Shock. She'd had 2 DC and out of those 6 bin liners, only about 12 items weren't so badly stained and grubby that they could be worn. It took me hours to sort through and then I had to faff about taking it to the charity shop (where they looked at it all in horror) and eventually had to take it to the tip. My gran went on and on at me to get a gift for said friend and her generosity so I was out of time and pocket from it all.

Beware a gift horse and all that.

Alwa · 16/09/2018 21:03

She's changed her mind for some reason. You keep asking isn't going to help.

But new and forget it.

bimbobaggins · 16/09/2018 21:03

I agree with a pp, you call these things “ gifts” , i think she’s expecting paying

lostfrequencies · 16/09/2018 21:06

I agree with others, she never meant it to be the "gift" you've interpreted it as. And now it has just become awkward.

Original poster
raviolee · 16/09/2018 21:12

I've already told her we will pay for it all. She didn't ask for money for it but I've told her to let us know how much she wants so it was never intended to be as a gift from our side. I would never expect that.

OP posts:
bimbobaggins · 16/09/2018 21:15

Just wondering why you call them gifts in your op?

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 16/09/2018 21:23

I think she regrets offering the things to be honest.

Original poster
raviolee · 16/09/2018 21:24

@bimbobaggins she offered them as gifts. I told her I would give her money. She said she didn't want money for them. I said don't be daft and offered a token. She said thanks that's really kind. So they were initially gifts (and kind of still are as we won't be paying anywhere near as much as we would in the shops if they do materialise!)

OP posts:
SunnyCoco · 16/09/2018 21:33

Yeh you need to pay her I think

Original poster
raviolee · 16/09/2018 21:34

Payment has never been an issue. I've made it clear from day one that I will pay her what she wants for it Smile

OP posts:
Stars2theside · 16/09/2018 21:51

Oh.... sounds to me like she's expecting payment, but also trying to hold you to ransom a bit so that she guarantees to visit your new baby early doors!! Unfortunately, there are always people like this when a new baby is imminent. I agree with pp, buy new or as good as, and be done with her. She could have given them to you earlier, and she hasn't. If she wants money for them, she'll have to arrange selling it elsewhere. Get what you want, on your terms, and leave the aggro behind.

MatildaTheCat · 16/09/2018 22:05

You have not answered my question on ?page 3? You say she’s had an hysterectomy, how so? Big, big issue here.

IMO

Original poster
raviolee · 16/09/2018 22:10

@MatildaTheCat I would rather not say why as whilst this is an anonymous forum, I still don't feel comfortable talking about her health issues online. She needed it done, it wasn't life threatening. She waited until she had her children then had it removed.

OP posts:
Original poster
raviolee · 16/09/2018 22:13

It was over a year ago. She's had this baby stuff in the loft a fairly long time!

OP posts:
MagicalTwinky · 16/09/2018 22:22

Your friend sounds very similar to my best friend, in fact if your posts weren't so coherent I'd go as far as to guess I know the pair of you.

My best friend had a hysterectomy some time ago and I know even though she considered her family to be complete, she still struggled to emotionally come to terms with the fact that she would never carry another child. She's also an incredibly generous person, and I could totally see her offering up these items, only to struggle to actually part with them as it would mean accepting she'd never have another baby. Articulating that would also be a struggle to her, as unless you were super close to her she would have felt a bit silly about it all. So by all means ask again, but do go easy on her if the items don't materialise as it may not be as clear cut as you think.

stayathomer · 16/09/2018 22:23

I don't get why people are giving you ideas of messages to remind her when you've reminded her so many times? That amount of times and her putting it off I'd say write it off. Maybe she promised them to someone else, maybe her DP said he wanted to sell it (or has sold it), or maybe because she had a hysterectomy she just can't bring herself to let it go. Either way don't ask again, and I'd say don't be mad either, it's not her stringing out along, it's more likely she couldn't bring herself to tell you the truth/say no

dinosaurkisses · 16/09/2018 22:27

She’s either

  • As pp have said, realised how much the stuff would be worth if she sold it through FB or eBay and now regrets offering
  • Needs to sort through the stuff and maybe give it a clean before handing it over and has been putting on the long finger. Could just be embarrassed that she hasn’t got round to it in the 3 months since she offered it up in the first place.

I’d second the suggestion from a pp to buy your own stuff and hold on to the receipts on the offchance she comes through, but I wouldn’t bother asking her for it again.

SinkGirl · 16/09/2018 22:27

I think I’m a relatively sane person. If I’d offered a pregnant person various major baby bits, I’d make sure they had them in time.

If I got a message from them saying that the baby is likely to arrive any time and they need to purchase everything, so if there’s still anything I want to send their way it needs to be ASAP otherwise they’ll buy their own, I wouldn’t be in the least bit offended - I would completely understand.

Put a deadline on it and tell her, if no response then buy your own

RebelRogue · 16/09/2018 22:31

Have you met with her face to face since all this has been going on?

NellieBee · 16/09/2018 22:38

"Hi friend, OH and I are off to buy all our baby bits on Saturday as its likely baby is coming early. Just checking if you had any things you wanted to sell to me before then? no problem at all if not"

butterflysugarbaby · 16/09/2018 22:47

It's annoying when people do this.

butterflysugarbaby · 16/09/2018 22:47

@raviolee

Text this to her...

Hi.'

I am going to Cheshire Oaks/Birmingham/Telford Shopping Centre, (wherever you fancy!) later in the week to stock up on baby stuff, as I feel my bub is going to be a bit early.

Is it OK if I have the stuff you said I could have in the next day or two, so I know what not to buy? Thanks so much. Speak to you soon... Grin

If she does not give you the stuff she has promised/ask you to come and get it, by the end of the week, forget it, (and forget her.) Just go buy what you need....

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