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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you manage this? Awkward situation regarding DC's friend and food?

186 replies

AjasLipstick · 15/09/2018 12:57

DD is 9. She's got a friend whose ten. They're great friends and we often have the friend over for long playdates or sleepovers.

Problem is this. The friend is overweight and wants much more food than we're comfortable giving.

DD eats well and normally. She's not overweight. When her friend is here she will ask DD to ask us for "more" of whatever they've just had...or for money to go and buy sweets.

We feed them well and don't ban the odd treat at all but the friend asks A LOT for more or for junk.

She is a lovely girl in every way but is obviously unbalanced regarding her intake of food as it's excessive.

An example is yesterday. Friend arrived at 4.00pm. On the way to ours with me, they were whispering in the back of the car and then DD said "Can we stop at the bakery for a cake!?" I said no because they had a packet of crisps each.

Then we got home and They were both given a bar of chocolate by DH...normal sized dairy milk. Then they had roast chicken, roast potatoes and gravy with a variety of vegetables. Large portions/

Then an icecream cornet.

An hour and a half later they said they were hungry and were given 4 crackers sandwiched with cheese, a chocolate biscuit....and some strawberries.

An hour after that we found DD sneaking down the hallway with a packet of chocolate biscuits.

We took them away and said that it's not on to take the whole pack. DD would simply NEVER do this. She's not that bothered about biscuits....then they came and asked for more crackers and cheese.

It bothers me because it's too much food and because DD feels she has to ask when her friend tells her to.

The friendship is a nice one...no bullying or anything but DD is a bit of a people pleaser and I don't like the constant eating that's going on when this particular friend is with us.

DD doesn't do this with other friends. I have now just started refusing...

OP posts:
WhatIsThisTomfoolery · 15/09/2018 13:02

Can you say there's a full fruit bowl here, if you are hungry between meals then help yourself?

Those other snacks Were more than enough before dinner

Original poster
AjasLipstick · 15/09/2018 13:05

I've tried that. It doesn't work as the friend will keep asking.

OP posts:
NationalShiteDay · 15/09/2018 13:05

Wow. You've already fed them a LOT of junk before the packet of biscuits incident.

Pack of crisps, full roast then fruit is morevtgan sufficient for anyone.

Aside from that, I think you handled it well.

How well do you get on with her parents? Could you have a quiet word? It's the sneakiness and poor influence that's the main issue.

Original poster
AjasLipstick · 15/09/2018 13:07

National I know. DD wouldn;t normally have that amount. It's the pressure! I feel it and give in. I have to keep putting my foot down I know

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 15/09/2018 13:07

You've given them so much junk the are just waiting for the next fillGrin

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 15/09/2018 13:08

What about providing ingredients and letting them make a healthy treat?
Maybe she is bored at home and eating is her answer? Getting stuck into cooking takes time/distraction and they can eat the results!
Healthy flapjacks?
Carrot muffins?

Butterymuffin · 15/09/2018 13:09

Just stick to offering fruit only or things like carrot sticks. And maybe hide the biscuits before this friend comes. Hard work I know.

Feefeetrixabelle · 15/09/2018 13:10

That’s a tricky one. I would honestly cut out treats when they are there. Any requests for food outside of a set meal time would be directed to the fruit bowl or veg sticks without any other option. Keep it up for a couple of weeks and the nagging for more will stop.

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 15/09/2018 13:10

I think you need to take the friends weight out of the equation, its not your job to police this or make her lose weight or worry shes eating too much. Treat her as you would a healthy weight friend.

So, you can absolutely refuse junk food, I would set an amount before the friend comes so e.g. 1 packet of crisps or chocolate bar + pudding or something, this isn't weight related but it's normal to regulate children's junk food intake.

If the friend is hungry I wouldn't refuse her food but I would give her something non exciting like a banana or toast or whatever, at the end of the day if she was a slim friend and hungry you wouldn't refuse her food, but don't give her biscuits or chocolate bar or something.

I think it's quite normal particularly at sleepovers for DC to eat loads of stuff and whole packets of biscuits and things, both my slim and my overweight friends would do things like this when I was young. That's fairly normal behaviour for them to start doing at that age because they probably haven't learnt an awful lot about regulating intake and they probably don't know about gaining weight. Most 10 year olds don't really understand eating a whole packet of biscuits will make you gain weight and they shouldn't so they just think it'll be fun. It's up to you to regulate it a bit, although I have to say that is an awful it of food. Most MN threads are like "my DC had half and sandwich for lunch and 2 crisps" and everyone's like "that's way too much food" but even I think that's way too much food for anyone.

Singlenotsingle · 15/09/2018 13:10

Leave a fruit bowl out, full of apples, and tell them that they can help themselves but there's nothing else. (Gala apples are delicious atm. In fàct I'll go and get one myself now).
.

WhatIsThisTomfoolery · 15/09/2018 13:11

Maybe this child is feeling genuinely hungry

She's topping up on carbs/sugar which in turn leaves her hungry again

IMO she needs protein. This should leave her feeling full. Snacking is a habit

Cheese/egg/meat/.....all good to fill you up for longer

PorkFlute · 15/09/2018 13:12

just offer her the fruit bowl. She may well keep asking for snacks - my kids do - but they get directed to the fruit bowl. No doubt once she knows she won’t be getting offered treats the asking will stop.

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 13:14

Honestly? If your DDs attitude is healthy towards food the rest of the time, I’d leave it.

Her friend’s attitude to food isn’t your problem.

Allthewaves · 15/09/2018 13:15

Wow that's quite a bit of food and junk food. I'd put all the sweets, biscuits and crisps in one cupboard. I'd say they could have one treat then if they ask for more I'd stick to fruit or veggie sticks and dip.

Original poster
AjasLipstick · 15/09/2018 13:16

I only mentioned the friend's weight so you could understand there's already an imbalance in her perception of eating and what's normal amount or ok for your health.

And so you'd know that it's not real hunger.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 15/09/2018 13:18

It's a difficult one as it's nice to let them have a couple of treats as they are playing together etc, sounds like she might be asking your dd to get the next course lined up Shock

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 15/09/2018 13:18

She probably is genuinely a bit hungry if she is used to eating like that.

One thing I would say is as a child (and an adult now tbh) I used to have massive dinners but not really any snacks, think like 4 sausages size dinners (I wasn't overweight and my brother was underweight). When I went round people's houses at about 8pm I would be so hungry because they would have had a small dinner and I was used to a big dinner, i was always finding childrens portions too small even when I was about 7. I found that chocolate and things didn't fill me up so I would be starving!

I had a friend who was quite overweight and her dinner was tiny so we would eat lots of chocolate and biscuits after dinner but it didn't fill me up so I was just really hungry and would eat more. Maybe try a bigger dinner? With more fat and protein. It sounds counterintuitive but it would have stopped me snacking. I know you said it's a large portion but was it really?

OhTheRoses · 15/09/2018 13:20

So you have provided:

Crisps
Chocolate
Cornet
Crackers
Cheese
Chocolate biscuit

AND a roast dinner.

I can't see this is about the friend eating too much any more than it is about you providing rubbish.

Crisps swappped for apple and glass of milk or smoothie.

Chocolate swapped for carrot and cucumber batons

Cornet swappex for strawberries, jelly or yoghurt.

Crackers for piece of fruit.

AlexanderHamilton · 15/09/2018 13:20

I think the weight thing is a red herring (though obviously the cause of it is obvious). I think that when the friend comes round you should make sure the house is relatively junk food free. One chocolate bar or a packet of crisps or a cake is fine but otherwise offer good meals as you are doing followed by fruit & yoghurt.

I would never deny a hungry child but would make toast or offer a sandwich/banana.

My Ds is stick thin & always hungry for crisps & sweets (he has asd so we do have issues with food) but I would not allow him that level of junk food & would have no problem with a friends parent refusing it either.

Original poster
AjasLipstick · 15/09/2018 13:21

Dish I know the size of the portions she has at home and they're the same as I offer. Normal for her age. Not small. Also it's not genuine hunger. It CAN'T be when she's eaten that amount. it's habit.

OP posts:
DeadZed · 15/09/2018 13:21

I would talk to your DD before the next visit from her friend. Make it clear that she is not to help herself and that if her friend asks for food your DD can refer it to you. Your word is final and it is definitely ok to say no to more food.

Just make it clear to your DD and her friend that your no means no.

Maelstrop · 15/09/2018 13:22

Crisps then chocolate then a roast then an ice cream then cheese and crackers?! I’m sorry, I think that’s ridiculous.

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 13:23

Also, it’s quite ironic that you’re using such emotive language around your DDs friend when in fact you provided an absolutely enormous amount of food, most of it crap, and your DD ate it too!

Cheby · 15/09/2018 13:24

YANBU, except for this bit:

And so you'd know that it's not real hunger.

You have no idea what she’s feeling. But, you are giving her plenty of food. I would actually cut back on the ‘junk’ type snacks you are giving them. We usually do a treat at a play date but it’s one; chocolate OR ice cream OR crisps. Maybe I’m just mean?!

Original poster
AjasLipstick · 15/09/2018 13:25

Cheby hunger is the feeling of an empty or near-empty stomach.

NOBODY feels hungry after what they ate.

OP posts: