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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you manage this? Awkward situation regarding DC's friend and food?

186 replies

AjasLipstick · 15/09/2018 12:57

DD is 9. She's got a friend whose ten. They're great friends and we often have the friend over for long playdates or sleepovers.

Problem is this. The friend is overweight and wants much more food than we're comfortable giving.

DD eats well and normally. She's not overweight. When her friend is here she will ask DD to ask us for "more" of whatever they've just had...or for money to go and buy sweets.

We feed them well and don't ban the odd treat at all but the friend asks A LOT for more or for junk.

She is a lovely girl in every way but is obviously unbalanced regarding her intake of food as it's excessive.

An example is yesterday. Friend arrived at 4.00pm. On the way to ours with me, they were whispering in the back of the car and then DD said "Can we stop at the bakery for a cake!?" I said no because they had a packet of crisps each.

Then we got home and They were both given a bar of chocolate by DH...normal sized dairy milk. Then they had roast chicken, roast potatoes and gravy with a variety of vegetables. Large portions/

Then an icecream cornet.

An hour and a half later they said they were hungry and were given 4 crackers sandwiched with cheese, a chocolate biscuit....and some strawberries.

An hour after that we found DD sneaking down the hallway with a packet of chocolate biscuits.

We took them away and said that it's not on to take the whole pack. DD would simply NEVER do this. She's not that bothered about biscuits....then they came and asked for more crackers and cheese.

It bothers me because it's too much food and because DD feels she has to ask when her friend tells her to.

The friendship is a nice one...no bullying or anything but DD is a bit of a people pleaser and I don't like the constant eating that's going on when this particular friend is with us.

DD doesn't do this with other friends. I have now just started refusing...

OP posts:
Original poster
AjasLipstick · 15/09/2018 13:27

Hen yes the crisps and choclate and icecream were crap. But it was Friday and I never bought the chocolate. So.

I don't think a pack of crisps and an icecream for dessert on a Friday is terrible at all!

Chicken and veg is fine. As is cheese and crackers now and then.

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 13:27

NOBODY feels hungry after what they ate

There are medical conditions which relate to being unable to regulate hunger/feeling full.

The more you write OP, the more I think you started this thread to snipe about an overweight little girl and make sure you feel morally superior somehow.

Nasty.

Oblomov18 · 15/09/2018 13:28

Why aren't you addressing with your own DD. Sneaking food and being a people pleaser is totally not ok and I'd sit her down and tell her so! Friend, in fact any friend, won't be able to come again, unless DD accepts this straight away.

StartingGrid · 15/09/2018 13:29

@OhTheRoses I assume you missed the part where the OP said strawberries were part of the after dinner haul

Petitprince · 15/09/2018 13:30

I'd make extra veg with dinner. If they are still hungry after dinner they can have the extra carrots/cabbage.

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 13:32

yes the crisps and choclate and icecream were crap. But it was Friday and I never bought the chocolate. So.

I don't think a pack of crisps and an icecream for dessert on a Friday is terrible at all!

Chicken and veg is fine. As is cheese and crackers now and then.

No you didn’t buy the chocolate, but you did give the rest of it and are castigating the girl for apparently asking for more.

Context is everything.

EK36 · 15/09/2018 13:33

If it were me, I would hide all of the treats away. Only give them fruit on the way home from school, dinner then pudding. Don't have any junk food available in the kitchen. Just point to the fruit bowl or offer yogurts/toast. If junk food is not there then they can't keep asking for it!

Oblomov18 · 15/09/2018 13:34

Plus your definition of what is normal sized portions are probably not normal!!

I know this because out of my closest say 6 friends we all each hugely varying portion sizes. Our are huge!! Both my boys play football 3 times a week and are toned. They eat huge portions and are forever snacking.
When they have friends to tea, I am still, after all these years silently surprised by how little most kids eat.

user1457017537 · 15/09/2018 13:35

Did they have anything to drink. Hunger can be mistaken for thirst. I would have given them a drink to fill them up.

PorkFlute · 15/09/2018 13:36

Of course she’s going to keep asking if you keep producing crackers and sweets! If you direct them to the fruit bowl they will eat if they’re hungry and won’t if they’re not.

Languageofkindness · 15/09/2018 13:37

I used to provide the quantity of snacks you provided at very first play dates when my DC’s were first at school. Goodness knows why - probably to be nice. When the oldest was about 7 I put my foot down and said only one snack (actually regardless of fruit or chocolate or whatever they don’t really need them if you are providing adequate meals). It’s got nothing to do with weight (and frankly you are lucky your DD is slim on all that junk!!) children will constantly ask for snacks if you don’t put your foot down.

moredoll · 15/09/2018 13:41

Tricky. Could you have less in the house and tell the friend that the doctor has told you and your DH to eat less sugar and fat? Have an apple instead.

BettyCrook · 15/09/2018 13:41

op you have so much junk in your house. nobody needs crisps, chocolate and pudding in one day. are they thirsty? thirst is often mistaken with hunger.

StatisticallyChallenged · 15/09/2018 13:43

We have this issue whenever DD has a friend over. As soon as there are a couple of them together (it happens with different friends) then they are constantly mithering for food.

From talking to other parents it seems to be really common whenever there's more than 1 - any time one of them gets the slightest notion towards food (which many of us have pretty frequently) I think they say to the others and they all appear like little birds waiting to be fed. We just say no a lot of the time as it got ridiculous. We also had the sneaking food nonsense which I rapidly put a stop to.

I don't think it's weight related really, just a social behaviour.

And I'm guessing the OP probably doesn't feed as much junk when there aren't friends over; I know our eating habits are different when DD has friends here, just like they are for us on a lot of social occasions. That's fine so long as it's not a very regular occurrence.

MissusGeneHunt · 15/09/2018 13:45

Plenty of milk after supper seems to fill up DS and / or water. Helps with him not snacking.

And perhaps just say 'no' to her?

It does sound as though something MAY be awry with her eating, but you're only going to find out if you talk to her mum if you're worried.

QuestionableMouse · 15/09/2018 13:45

Wow this thread is horrible.

Op you sound like you're disgusted by the girl and it's horrid to read. I don't think you can say if she's actually hungry or not and saying you can makes you sound like a knob.

MenaMecca · 15/09/2018 13:45

IMO she needs protein. This should leave her feeling full. Snacking is a habit. Cheese/egg/meat/.....all good to fill you up for longer

I was going to suggest this.

Also, OP, you gave them too much junk.

MenaMecca · 15/09/2018 13:46

Op you sound like you're disgusted by the girl

I was wondering about this too.

brokenharbour · 15/09/2018 13:46

Blooming heck. I knew you'd get slated for giving crisps etc when the point of the thread is that you're actually trying to moderate the junk by saying no to some of the requests.

notacooldad · 15/09/2018 13:49

I would first of all be looking at DD behaviour.
You say she is a people pleaser so it sounds like she needs to learn to say no. It will help her in later life when she comes across CFs!

If you wouldn't normally stop at the bakery I would have asked her once friend had gone why she did this and that it's not polite to keep asking for things.
Something a lot Of MN disagree with me on is that we never had chocolate biscuits and crisps in the house as standard. That's not to say they were forbidden, I love them as much as anyone else, but they were treat when we went out or were bought in for a particular treat, not just bought part of the weekly shopping.

As others have said, once you've had the main meal I would be keeping the snacks bland. I don't think I would even be offering fruit until the habit has been broken.

It sounds like you need to reset the rules.

BobSays · 15/09/2018 13:50

Well if friend is 10, I see no reason why you can't have a conversation with her about it. Maybe just tell her how much you love having her over, that she's a lovely friend for DD and what would the two of them like to do next time she's round etc... then just explain you've noticed when she comes the two of them like to play at sneaking food and having sweet snacks, but that you're sorry this can't go on as all the house has decided to eat healthily and you won't be buying any more unhealthybsnacks (or something like that). she needs to learn that when she comes to your house, she has loads of fun, likes everyone etc... but it's not a place where junk is consumed.

Elephant14 · 15/09/2018 13:54

BobSays FFS that's outrageous - that would show the girl that the house is where she goes to be body shamed! There is no need for an adult to have a talk like that with a child that this not theirs, simply just don't give the food.

OP you clearly have no idea about hunger and obesity, but many posters come on here sneering at overweight children and tarting it up as "concern for the kiddies". Have other stuff available like fruit and protein based snacks, sorted.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/09/2018 13:56

Maybe the girl has insulin resistance or even Pradar Willi syndrome. Either will cause heightened appetite. Maybe she’s just used to eating too much. Who knows.

With a child like this, I’d err on the healthy food side so the fruit bowl, rinse, repeat. Perhaps ditch the crisps on the way home and offer a snack of hummus/ham/other protein, cucumber and carrot sticks maybe some breadsticks and delay dinner a little if you have her again.

My dd eats a lot more than a couple of her friends. One is very petite and the other is being tested for weight loss. The mother of the petite child and regularly has the other girl feeds dd the same portions. Dd is very sporty and the meals by the sound of it would have sufficed when dd was about 7. Understandable as the girl is probably about the same size as dd was at that age - dd is 10. I want dd to eat the actual meal, not a litany of junk and it really pisses me off when she is given junk to fill up on. She has asked this mum through genuine hunger for more food and gets given junk. I have now told dd to come home and I will feed her if she’s hungry and not to ask for food only to be presented with a ton of biscuits, which she’d wolf down but is bad for her.

Please dont blame the girl. You don’t know why she eats so much. Be kind and not ban her either. Being so overweight must be really shit and she possibly doesn’t have that many friends. Banning her imo would be tantamount to adult on child bullying.

HamsterToast · 15/09/2018 13:59

I would just not have it in the house and if she asks for more, give carrot sticks or fruit or low sugar hot-chocolate or something healthy as a snack. She'll soon learn what the house rules are like. And if it isn't there to sneak she won't sneak it.

SilverBirchTree · 15/09/2018 13:59

There is a difference between hunger and appetite. This friend couldn't be hungry after all that.

I agree with PPS, provide a healthy dinner, maybe one treat and then point to the bowlful of apples and bananas on the table.

And treat all other guests of DD in the same way.

Her weight sounds problematic, but it's not your problem to solve.

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