How would you manage this? Awkward situation regarding DC's friend and food?

[AjasLipstick]

DD is 9. She's got a friend whose ten. They're great friends and we often have the friend over for long playdates or sleepovers.

Problem is this. The friend is overweight and wants much more food than we're comfortable giving.

DD eats well and normally. She's not overweight. When her friend is here she will ask DD to ask us for "more" of whatever they've just had...or for money to go and buy sweets.

We feed them well and don't ban the odd treat at all but the friend asks A LOT for more or for junk.

She is a lovely girl in every way but is obviously unbalanced regarding her intake of food as it's excessive.

An example is yesterday. Friend arrived at 4.00pm. On the way to ours with me, they were whispering in the back of the car and then DD said "Can we stop at the bakery for a cake!?" I said no because they had a packet of crisps each.

Then we got home and They were both given a bar of chocolate by DH...normal sized dairy milk. Then they had roast chicken, roast potatoes and gravy with a variety of vegetables. Large portions/

Then an icecream cornet.

An hour and a half later they said they were hungry and were given 4 crackers sandwiched with cheese, a chocolate biscuit....and some strawberries.

An hour after that we found DD sneaking down the hallway with a packet of chocolate biscuits.

We took them away and said that it's not on to take the whole pack. DD would simply NEVER do this. She's not that bothered about biscuits....then they came and asked for more crackers and cheese.

It bothers me because it's too much food and because DD feels she has to ask when her friend tells her to.

The friendship is a nice one...no bullying or anything but DD is a bit of a people pleaser and I don't like the constant eating that's going on when this particular friend is with us.

DD doesn't do this with other friends. I have now just started refusing...

What 5yearplan says, ditto

I'm also shocked at the responses on this thread. Though I shouldn't be as every thread about food or eating has weird and disturbing comments.

People don't develop life long eating disorders because of a few unhealthy snacks at a sleepover when they were a child, it's because of the rigid, uptight and just frankly bizarre attitudes towards food, weight and diet exhibited by many Mumsnetters.

DS 7 has 2 packets of Maltesers and a banana when he comes out of school, DD 11 gets herself a Fibre One chocolate brownie when she comes in if she remembers, that's it until supper at 4.30.

It reads like all people are doing is slamming OP for letting the girls eat a lot & not mostly macrobiotic. I hope somehow the OP finds something helpful here.

My suggestion is that OP comes up with a structured plan about when they'll be offered what & tell the girls "this is the plan" and stick to it every time the girl visits.

The only junk (I avoid that word because DS1 has cystic fibrosis, and if you called it junk it would be hard to convince him he had to eat it so he didn't starve to death) we have in the house is whatever the DC want that day for snacks and puddings. They have snacks at a set time. At the moment we have Maltesers, Fibre One brownies, B&J's Phish Food and leftover birthday cake.

IME it's pretty normal for some kids to ask for food at other people's houses, they want to see if you have better/more interesting food! And so far, you've proves that you do!

I would keep the girls busy and just say no. When she asked in the car that would be the perfect time to say 'now, dd & friend, you have your crisps there, if you're hungry again before dinner we have plenty of apples and bananas. We've got xyz activity to do this afternoon - won't that be fun!' Keep them busy and if necessary away from house/shops until the habit is broken. Can you take them for a walk or bike ride or swim?

I'd be dealing severely with my child for sneaking the biscuits. She fears saying no to her friend more than disobeying you.

Ffs!! Nowhere in the op did I read she had an issue with the child’s weight.

I’m sorry but asking for that amount of junk when they’ve already had a quite a lot is not normal.

I don’t ever recall being cheeky enough to ask for junk food at friends houses when I was younger. I’d eat what I was given and be bloody grateful.

In my family there seems tone a genetic predisposition for over eating that affects some and not others. A few of my cousins were like this, grew up in the same environment as the rest of us just never seemed to be full and are over weight as adults too, the rest of us are fine. It's not their fault but obviously makes it much much more difficult for them to stay healthy.

I feel sorry for DS's friend but don't know what the solution is apart from obviously managing the food she is actually given. As for your DD it's definitely an opportunity for her to learn to assert herself. You won't be there to help her in. 10 years and this is a skill she needs to learn.

Oh MN is just such a fucking weird place at times.

OP: no, you’re not being unreasonable. Tour instincts are spot on: treats are ok to a point but this is too much now.

FWIW i would go for one small treat on the way home, and then a pudding after dinner. If they want anything else I would go fruit bowl, carrot sticks and hummus, then possibly cheese and crackers or toast (though id more likely just say no).

I know a six year old exactly the same- v overweight already but obsessed with snacks and sweets. Whether its poor planning at home or whether she has some sort of metabolic thing going on I’ve no idea but it makes me really sad. I hope her Mum sees it but I’m not sure she does.

The thing is though if the dinner was a small portion I could genuinely be hungry 2 hrs after even with a couple of cheese and crackers. It's a fair amount of food but nothing particularly substantial apart from the dinner.

The friend is really just being a child. Food tastes good, it makes us feel good ergo children want to eat lots of it. If we have an abundance of food it's fairly natural to be overweight because we want to eat, there's nothing particularly strange or sad about her (And the Ops DDs!l) behaviour. Its up to adults to regulate that for children. Im not overweight but if I just ate whatever I wanted whenever I would be overweight, because it's fairly natural to want to eat lots of food.

If you can't say no and convey that you mean it to a couple of ten year olds you need to look at yourself and not them.

Nothing you have described sounds out of the ordinary for children of that age, but you are the adult. Just say no. You don't even have to give an explanation, in my house "because I said so" is a perfectly valid response

My feeling is she is your guest, and so your responsibility not to allow her to feel hungry.
I would offer healthy cereal bars, oat flat jacks that are also very healthy and fruit. That is a big enough selection with milk.
I would also offer her second at supper reminding both girls gently that there will be no more snacks.
Rather than dessert we have a popcorn maker and I buy the natural pop kernels from the health food shop - this always good fun and they can eat lots without it being too harmful.
In the end it is not your job to teach the child portion control, but it is your home and your values shouldn’t be compromised.

I would just do what ever food u normally do..... you wouldnt normally give ur daughter all the treats. Just say u only have fruit

I know with some of my friends kids I can get to the point of offering crisps /biscuits etc because I have already done the fruit/ crackers and cheese / veg sticks and actually start to run out because my two don't eat that much so I know I just need to stock up more for playdates of the healthy snacks - home made popcorn can be a good one - less crap than the microwave or bagged kind. But OP you did offer lots of crackers and cheese which I would consider healthy and would have expected to have filled them up already.

A child who is v overweight may well be on the road to insulin resistance and genuinely feel hungry and be driven to fill up with crap.

This is essentially why diets fail - it isn't that people lack willpower, it's that our bodies are much more in control of what we eat than we like to think. So if you always eat carbs and sugar, your body may get the impression you are on the verge of starvation despite copious evidence to the contrary. And off you go and eat a bit more crap.

You can see this with children as it isn't their fault they are fat - they aren't making the choices, and some of them may well have skinny siblings. Robert Lustig writes v well about this in his book Fat Chance.

They are already getting loads of junk food - when friend comes round remove all snacks- then no temptation and nothing to talk about

Firstly I’m not sure why people are jumping on the fact you have mentioned she is over weight. Children are looked after and if she is over weight with some exceptions it’s her care givers fault and she over eating. As an over weight child I was allowed to eat and eat and eat and I was this child. I would have a chat with your daughter and ask her about all the snaking and eating when friend is here. I would also speak to the parents and ask about her hunger levels, I would position it as “ is child hungry at home a lot, she always seems hungry here” it is your business if she is spending lots of time with your child. This is a child and someone needs to say something.
I’ve told my friends and sisters in the past when their children have put on weight, it’s no fun being the fat kid!!

Maybe this is because her parents are trying to address this and have cut down on treats at home and therefore when she comes to you she tries her luck. My 6 year old daughter has a friend is slim but I know treats are strictly policed in their house therefore when she comes to mine she constantly moans she is hungry when she isn't she just thinks I will give her snacks. Drives me insane

Oh dear OP you really got flamed!! Food and other people’s kids is often tricky.
My 10 yr old DD is tiny (age 6-7 clothes) but that girl can pack away the protein! But she doesn’t (and believe me tries) eat veg or fruit. She had one friend who she used to go to on play dates and I turned up at 7pm to collect her and she was still sat at the table staring at a mound of peas with tears rolling down her cheeks. Her friends mum had told her she couldn’t leave the table until she’d eaten them.
2 fucking hours she’d been made to sit there. Needless to say she hasn’t been back. I was so upset on her behalf.
All of my other kids love veg and fruit but my youngest was prem and weaning was tricky. She drinks the odd smoothie and knows I blitz veg into a tomato pasta sauce (which she will happily eat
Personally I’d maybe do a baking session with the girls and let them eat some of what they’ve made.
Friday nights are fun and that involves some treats!
Only on my mumsnet can you and your children be psychoanalysed over some biscuits!!
Good luck OP 💐xx

Sorry haven't RTFT but could this be dehydration masquerading as hunger? There's been a fair bit of junk gone in (some of which is salty) and no mention of drinks that I saw, could a big glass of water be the answer? If she's genuinely hungry I mean.
As a child I had a friend who was very similar, always hungry. It was genuine hunger too, she didn't get much at home. She sneaked into our cupboard once and my mum found her eating dry spaghetti. Definitely not greed. But if you've seen the portions she has at home then it can't be that. Does her mum bans sweets/snacks at home so she fills up when she is at friend's houses?

I think you need to decide, in advance, what snacks you are going to offer, and explain to your DD before the friend comes.
Everyone will have different ideas as to what is appropriate but you will have to trust your own judgement and/or discuss with the friend's parents if they have any strong wishes on this (without implying it is because of her weight, tbh these days with so many people having intolerances and people being veggie or whatever it really isn't hard to quickly check out any dietery needs and parent's general wishes on such stuff).

But evidence seems to be growing that the more sugar and processed foods we eat the more we want them, and for some people this can be very addictive. And most 'treats' are very lacking in nutrition - they give us calories and little else. Most of us will think, 'but hey a bit of cake can't do any harm, we grew up on it, Mary Berry thrives on it...' but unless you are a home baker who knows what ingredients you are using chances are the stuff you are eating as a treat really is junk. No, cake is not bad. Mass-produced supermarket cake often is. That's not me being snobby -I'm a pauper on benefits - but simply being realistic about food production today.

So my suggestion for snacks would be fruit, cheese, yoghurts, hard-boiled eggs, raw veg sticks, hummous, rice-cakes, any home-baked goods that you know has reasonably good ingredients (I have to bake for a family member who cannot eat ANY sugars or grains due to health reasons and it's amazing how much 'good stuff' you can put in a cake). Nuts, dried fruits, seeds (you can get some lovely flavoured ones), sliced meats, smoothies, spiced chick peas (channa), soup, salad. And yes of course we all buy and eat junk sometimes, but replacing some of it with healthier stuff will do far more for weight and appetite than just trying to restrict it.

Say to them up front one treat and milk, smoothie, fruit or a sarmie after. if she’s used to refined carbs esp at night she will have a genuine craving which to her (as even to adults) will feel exactly like hunger. If she continues to ask for something you continue to offer her something but it won’t be junk. My kids love sliced banana plain yoghurt with a bit of honey. She will be grumpy and you can say you understand and know she’s disappointed. You are letting her stay over for fun you’re not having to create the perfect home in her eyes and a birthday party like feast. Take the pressure off yourself by being more boundaries. It is hard but becomes easy when u enforce it and don’t sit on the fence. No is no. That’s all.

More boundaried

You’re the adult. Why are you giving in. Say no.
And just give fruit

It's possible that her parents are trying to cut back on snacks/portion sizes with her in order for her to slim off a little and she is feeling the pinch a bit as she seems a little over obsessed with junk food. A child who had nothing but junk at home may not be insisting on it while they were elsewhere as they'd know they could have what they wanted when they got home. I'd be thinking it was the other way round- she wants it at yours because she isn't allowed at home. Either way, I'd give her exactly what you'd usually give yours and then if she asked for more I'd explain that they'd both had enough sugar for one day, but fruit was available if they wanted anything else and they could have some toast for supper as a treat later on.