How would you manage this? Awkward situation regarding DC's friend and food?

[AjasLipstick]

DD is 9. She's got a friend whose ten. They're great friends and we often have the friend over for long playdates or sleepovers.

Problem is this. The friend is overweight and wants much more food than we're comfortable giving.

DD eats well and normally. She's not overweight. When her friend is here she will ask DD to ask us for "more" of whatever they've just had...or for money to go and buy sweets.

We feed them well and don't ban the odd treat at all but the friend asks A LOT for more or for junk.

She is a lovely girl in every way but is obviously unbalanced regarding her intake of food as it's excessive.

An example is yesterday. Friend arrived at 4.00pm. On the way to ours with me, they were whispering in the back of the car and then DD said "Can we stop at the bakery for a cake!?" I said no because they had a packet of crisps each.

Then we got home and They were both given a bar of chocolate by DH...normal sized dairy milk. Then they had roast chicken, roast potatoes and gravy with a variety of vegetables. Large portions/

Then an icecream cornet.

An hour and a half later they said they were hungry and were given 4 crackers sandwiched with cheese, a chocolate biscuit....and some strawberries.

An hour after that we found DD sneaking down the hallway with a packet of chocolate biscuits.

We took them away and said that it's not on to take the whole pack. DD would simply NEVER do this. She's not that bothered about biscuits....then they came and asked for more crackers and cheese.

It bothers me because it's too much food and because DD feels she has to ask when her friend tells her to.

The friendship is a nice one...no bullying or anything but DD is a bit of a people pleaser and I don't like the constant eating that's going on when this particular friend is with us.

DD doesn't do this with other friends. I have now just started refusing...

Elephant - how on earth is that body shaming???????????? I'd have the same conversation with a kid of any shape or size if they were sneaking food in my house or encouraging my DC to? Simply saying we don't do this in our house is ok isn't it? She's 10?

I knew you'd be slated op! I would recommend stocking up on the good stuff. Fruit. Cheese. Yogurts. Veggie sticks etc.

I tend to let the kids live the dream on sleepovers and playdates with foods. But maybe choose one treat? After school and dessert?

I most certainly am NOT disgusted by her. She's ten! Why would I be disgusted by her?

Thank you to those with good advice though. Much appreciated.

I’d cut out the treats, have cheese and crackers and full fat yogurt available for afternoon tea, make the fruit basket available and all the milk and water they want. Offer more veggies etc at dinner , your usual Friday dessert and apart from that nothing. If it’s a sleepover toast & milk at 9pm if they are starving but no junk.
You need to speak to your dd though to say ask you. But I’d give zero extra junk to usual. I’d say keep the usual treats because you don’t want to punish anyone but actually think making sure there’s protein and or fat in the after school snacks is a better idea.
I’d be nice because she might not technically be hungry but if she has a junk habit she probably is genuinely thinking I need food. She has no idea that she doesn’t actually.

Bob the conversation you were proposing is a bit different from just saying no we have fruit if you fancy something. "We don't do that in this house" would make her feel like she'd done something wrong. All the OP needs to do is say there is fruit if you are hungry.

I've had stick thin kids in here cramming everything they can lay their hands on into their mouths, kids do that sometimes. So I just move stuff and offer fruit, just say no. I don't get biscuits out, watch them take two then start judging.

Elephant - I think you've misunderstood my post

I think a lot of us would buy in a couple of treat foods for sleepovers/ parties etc.

When DC have friends over, I tend to put dinner on the table in bowls rather than plates, so they can fill up on as much as they need by helping themselves, choose which veg/salad they like, etc.

I don’t think cheese and crackers is that bad a snack , we often give that as a snack with fruit , carrots , ham etc. I’d agree with PPs though, in that if children think there’s a cupboard full of treats on offer they’ll want to try all of them, whether they’re genuinely hungry or not. I’d probably have a word with dd to say that you’re getting in x and y treats/ puddings for her and her friend, but otherwise if they are genuinely hungry and have eaten a full dinner, there’s fruit, toast, cheese, sandwiches, museli etc. And it might be genuine hunger, both my girls rapidly stepped up their food intake going through puberty, youngest DD often has museli as a snack a couple of hours after a full plate of a decent dinner (lots of meat plus veg and potatoes, say).

BobSays I don’t think Elephant has misunderstood at all.

The conversation you describe is not only overstepping, it’s pointless.

Give them junk, or don’t. But don’t take it upon yourself to have an in-depth conversation with a child who isn’t yours.

Inertia Exactly....crisps after school was a Friday thing. But we dont have a cupboard full of snacks. Two packets of biscuits was all we had and a tub of vanilla in the freezer!

That is a lot of food!

I wouldn’t refuse food like the others have said but I would offer really basic things, snack cucumbers, an apple etc outside of dinner and a pudding.

Op i would do as the other posters suggest, next time she has a meal at your house give her plenty of protein to fill her up, if she wants snacks after that offer toast or fruit, if she is genuinely hungry she will eat the toast and fruit, id be more worried about the influence she is having on your daughter (getting her to sneak her food and ask for food again and again,) you really don't want your daughter to pick up those unhealthy food attitudes,

Are you close enough to the other parents to discuss the constant eating with them?

Your food sounds great. The child if is doesn't get won't starve, they might just sulk. I'd make sure they're busy doing lots of involving things without much thinking space to ponder on food or snacking.
Meals - top up the girls veg helping big time.
Snacks - fruit and non sugared popcorn.
No more. Like I say she won't starve. You're feeding a single guest-child not Henry 8ths cavalry!

Could you start a conversation with your daughter a day before her visit and say you've noticed when her friend visits she asks for more snacks. Explain how there is too much and agree in advance what you're going to provide

I think I would maybe cut out the chocolate and crisps and biscuits, give their tea - roast dinner or whatever, then a yogurt and fruit for pud (or even something a little more stodgy like rice pudding)
Then tell them if they are hungry during the evening they can have a sandwich or beans on toast for a 'supper'

It's more filling and not completely empty calories so should fill them up.

it sounds as if the friend is used to eating sweet sugary stuff, and that is probably why she always feels hungry - it gives you a brief hit then you are hugry again. wholemeal toast and baked beans, or porridge will satisfy them longe. And I just wouldn;t have the sweet stuff in the house when friend comes round, only offer filling but nutritious snacks. And tell DD before friend comes over that she isn;t to ask for snakcs you don't normally have when friend comes. a glass of milk will help fill them up as well.

I totally understand that you feel pressured, and you don;t want to do anything to harm your DD's friendship with what sounds like a nice girl. But just hide all the sweet stuff/ ccrisps etc and say the choice is X and that is that take it or leave it (but nicely said obviously ).

,Alternatively you could make a little lunch box each - with couple of bits of fruit, maybe a wholemeal sandwich, hard boiled egg, or other healthy but filling bits and pieces and tell them that is your snack box for the evening you can eat it all at once or stretch it out over the evening. But that is it (again I'm sure you can put it more tactfully than me)
They might like the lunchbox thing - I used to do it when kids came over - to save me being pestered constantly for food, and they seemed to find it a bit of fun.

she needs to learn that when she comes to your house, she has loads of fun, likes everyone etc... but it's not a place where junk is consumed
It is a place where junk is consumed. They have crisps, ice cream, chocolate. All snacks that offer no nutritional value ( but to be fair are bloody good!)

FFS make sure you don't do or say anything which shows your contempt for this child. Fair enough to offer fruit, or cheese or something 'healthy' to hungry guests, but this is a little girl. She's got a lifetime of the fucking diet police ahead of her (because any woman who isn't constantly virtue-signalling that she is aware of her duty to be thin, eat very little and berate herself if she does eat, will never be free of policing from randoms.)

She may well be genuinely hungry if she is snacking on high sugar foods, and then her blood sugar is “crashing”

Snacks with protein would be better so maybe the cheese and crackers would be a better after school snack earlier in the afternoon, something with peanut butter etc

But it's a play date - surely you just mainline haribo anyway?

Not your job to police the friend.

Having said that, you have provided more than enough snacks.

I don't tend to use the word 'Junk' as that gets competitive right down to only celery being permissible.

They weren’t genuinely hungry, I mean come on after all they had eaten and people are actually suggesting it was genuine hunger 😂

With the roast & cheese crackers that’s basically a full meal and a light meal the 2 snacks ffs!

It’s greed or boredom, have a fruit bowl or veg sticks in the fridge and say help yourself. My bet is this “genuine hunger” will soon disappear!

Actually you know what I wouldn’t do anything. It’s your DD who is being pressurised for more food and she must feel quite tense/ awkward about it all knowing you’re annoyed and potentially going to say no.

Maybe the best thing to do is ask the girl whether she’d rather go home if she’s still hungry because you won’t be having anything else tonight. I probably wouldn’t worry too much about the snacks/ cheese and crackers though.

My kids are very active (well, not DS) and eat a lot. DD2 goes to her best friend’s, but she eats like sparrow, so DD2 comes home hungry. I just give her a second tea at home. I really appreciate friend’s mum having her and feeding her, but whenever when she gets a bit older, I’ll teach dd2 to ask for some veg or fruit to increase the size of the meal.

Is this new? On MN? None of these foodstuffs in the house? And no, I don't call it/refer to it as "junk" either.
Fuck that!

We always have tonnes of food in our house: I like it that way - healthy meals, salad, vegetables, cheeses, fruit,snacks, pints of milk, and tonnes of crisps, biscuits and cakes and chocolate and chocolate biscuits as well.

OP's contempt for this girl is obvious. I'm starting to feel a bit sorry for her. Tell her she can come and live with me!!

Your first post made me feel uneasy OP. It's a rare parent who doesn't restrict the amount of junk food available and that's for health and/or cost reasons. Most people just wouldn't make it that freely available.

I'm not comfortable with your post as it's as if you gave/allowed this girl to have this much junk food when you knew she was having a good dinner - just so that you could ask the question here and have posters collude with you in judging this girl's eating. I think this because you've been very careful to state that your daughter DOESN'T do this ever several times in your posts. Judgemental responses are not in short supply on this board - especially when it's girls/women's food and eating being discussed.

Most parents - and definitely mothers - direct to the fruit bowl and are quite confident in doing so. I'm surprised that this didn't occur to you.

Assuming that you really did want to know what other people would do, in the scenario you've posted, on the next occasion that DD came downstairs to ask, I'd call the friend down also and say, "Look you pair, you've had dinner, lots of snacks, go out and have a run around if you're bored" - or I'd take them out somewhere if I had time.

I might also say, "Please stop asking, the fruit bowl is right there ->, help yourself and then go and amuse yourselves as I've got thing to do, c'mon, off you pop...".

Regardless of the friends’ weight or what food snacks they had, the issue for me is the underhand way she gets DD to acquire food for her. Yes it’s easy to just not have the crisps and chocolate and biscuits available in the first place, but buying more fruit, cheese and healthier snacks is also more expensive for the OP. I doubt it would sort out the problem anyway, because the friend will still be asking to get cake/chocolate/ sweets and crisps from the shops.

It’s an issue of manners, you don’t go helping yourself to other people’s food without being offered it, or making sure it is OK first; so you can remind DD and her friend together of this. Friend needs to know that this stands for any guest. This is your house! She abides by your rules.

If you find this doesn’t work, either you need to speak to her parents or limit the amount of time she spends at your home, e.g she comes after school for tea and goes home, or one morning in hols or week-ends where she goes home before or after lunch, or one afternoon and she goes home before or after dinner as suits you. Stop sleepovers for a while and all day stays as these are likely to be the most difficult to manage.

I ‘d say this friend has an abnormal pre-occupation with food, and while she is probably growing rapidly now, she can take the food offered which is plenty, or bring her own chocolate, crisps and biscuits to share if she is still hungry. I doubt it somehow if she can simply scoff all at the OP’S by twisting DD around her little finger.

If you have healthy stuff available you aren’t leaving her hungry. The problem is you and your dd keep giving in any time she asks for treats. Few kids, regardless of their size, will self restrict treats. Look at them on Halloween! Not many kids saying ‘actually I think I have enough sweets now’. If you keep giving most kids will keep asking.