Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you manage this? Awkward situation regarding DC's friend and food?

186 replies

AjasLipstick · 15/09/2018 12:57

DD is 9. She's got a friend whose ten. They're great friends and we often have the friend over for long playdates or sleepovers.

Problem is this. The friend is overweight and wants much more food than we're comfortable giving.

DD eats well and normally. She's not overweight. When her friend is here she will ask DD to ask us for "more" of whatever they've just had...or for money to go and buy sweets.

We feed them well and don't ban the odd treat at all but the friend asks A LOT for more or for junk.

She is a lovely girl in every way but is obviously unbalanced regarding her intake of food as it's excessive.

An example is yesterday. Friend arrived at 4.00pm. On the way to ours with me, they were whispering in the back of the car and then DD said "Can we stop at the bakery for a cake!?" I said no because they had a packet of crisps each.

Then we got home and They were both given a bar of chocolate by DH...normal sized dairy milk. Then they had roast chicken, roast potatoes and gravy with a variety of vegetables. Large portions/

Then an icecream cornet.

An hour and a half later they said they were hungry and were given 4 crackers sandwiched with cheese, a chocolate biscuit....and some strawberries.

An hour after that we found DD sneaking down the hallway with a packet of chocolate biscuits.

We took them away and said that it's not on to take the whole pack. DD would simply NEVER do this. She's not that bothered about biscuits....then they came and asked for more crackers and cheese.

It bothers me because it's too much food and because DD feels she has to ask when her friend tells her to.

The friendship is a nice one...no bullying or anything but DD is a bit of a people pleaser and I don't like the constant eating that's going on when this particular friend is with us.

DD doesn't do this with other friends. I have now just started refusing...

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 15/09/2018 15:20

"So you have provided:
Crisps
Chocolate
Cornet
Crackers
Cheese
Chocolate biscuit"

Did you take the icecream off the cornet, but leave the chocolate on the biscuit, so you could have all the 'C's nicely lined up, OhTheRoses? Grin

NoSquirrels · 15/09/2018 15:22

Some of this thread is nuts!

Roast dinner, pudding after, cheese and crackers for a snack later, all perfectly healthy and FINE.

A standard packet of crisps, on a Friday, when you've got a friend - FINE!

The chocolate bar just sounds like Dad was trying to be nice too, for the same Friday/friend over reasons. Hardly a crime against children.

It is tricky with kids who do the indirect asking, and we get a lot of it on playdates too. But I am mean and just say - "it'll be teatime soon/you've just had tea/you can have fruit" depending on timing. The friends can't really complain if you're not starving them, which you weren't! And if they do keep asking, it's totally fine to say "Listen DD and Friend, you've eaten X/Y/Z you're surely not still hungry so maybe have a drink because you might be thirsty".

You can always talk to DD about it later and say it's fine to try to keep guests happy but she mustn't feel she has to do everything her friend asks - it's OK to say "Mum won't let us so there's no point asking".

itswinetime · 15/09/2018 15:26

What time did the play date end?

Your right that's a lot of food as pp said I think you need to be prepared with boring healthy options carrot sticks, cucumber, fruit and one treat only. Without knowing what's going on at home it's possible her parents are cutting back what she has or trying to restrict things and she uses being else where as a chance to push her boundaries.

HeebieJeebies456 · 15/09/2018 15:30

the friend will keep asking

why haven't you spoken directly with this child and explained your house rules regards food/snacks?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/09/2018 15:34

I wouldn't say anything just to the friend - I'd say it to the both of them so that they both know what the situation is - and my daughter can then say, "You know what my mum said...".

Matter of fact, no judgement just a finite amount of treat food as they've had dinner. If they really are hungry then they'll eat fruit, little tomatoes, a celery stick, etc.

I wouldn't want my own children to be constantly grazing either, healthy food or not, there are other things to do!

WhatIsThisTomfoolery · 15/09/2018 15:35

pinkheart of course it's genuine hunger!

Crisps and chocolate aren't food. They will just be absorbed as sugar not fill them up

There's no nutrition there!!! It just dissolved away

MonsterKidz · 15/09/2018 15:41

My sister had a friend exactly like this when we were young. This giirl wasn’t allowed any junk at home so when she came to ours she behaved exactly as you describe. This
cant be the same for this girl though...

BobSays · 15/09/2018 15:42

YeTalkShiteHen (love the name by the way!!) - I wasn't proposing an 'in depth conversation', just a regular (perhaps even very brief!!) conversation along the lines of please don't sneak food or encourage my dc to! but in a nice way emphasising to the friend she's great, you like her a lot, great that the two kids want to play together etc... What's wrong with that? (Or do adults never speak with kids these days? If my dc has a friend over and they do something I don't like in my house, I say so! None of the kids have ever minded (?))

Havaina · 15/09/2018 15:42

This all sounds very quite expensive too.

OP, give them one treat and if the friend asks for more then just say there are no more treats but plenty of fruit. Hide the treats when she comes.

Glaciferous · 15/09/2018 15:44

I would offer one snack which is a bit of a treat like crisps or chocolate, one snack which is filling and healthy like your crackers and cheese or something else savoury (olives, small sandwich, whatever they like) and then all further snacks would be fruit, carrot sticks etc. If she keeps asking for other stuff, just say 'sorry, that's not on offer, have some fruit if you are hungry'. It will take a while to sink in, I expect. If she keeps asking after you've told her it's just fruit from now on, just ask her nicely to stop asking as there is only fruit or veg on offer. She is ten. She is old enough to understand this.

INeedNewShoes · 15/09/2018 15:44

A friend's mum whose house I went to once a week used to give us free rein over a loaf of sliced wholemeal bread and the toaster after dinner. We were allowed to have as much toast as we wanted. This is a reasonable compromise. It's not quite so bad for you as biscuits etc. and likely to fill you up a bit more (and it's cheaper than other snacks!)

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/09/2018 15:44

OP I could have written your post. DD1 had a friend who was very similar; right down to inciting DD to raid the cupboards. It used to drive me crazy.

DD's friend went a step further and started bringing literally carrier bags full of crap and big bottles of Coke to sleepovers. When DD went to hers she would be encouraged to mainline junk.

I dunno, I found it really unpleasant to constantly have to be the "mean" mum; my kids are slim and self regulating with treats. I was really encomfortable with DD seeing this sort of binge eating as "fun" and normal.

Anyhow, I did not encourage the friendship and it fizzled out for other reasons. The girl went from very very overweight to slimming down drastically in her teens. And sadly her younger sister has suffered from an eating disorder.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 15/09/2018 15:45

In a similar situation, in addition to proper food, I'd offer fruit, plain/salted popcorn and yoghurt as snacks and one small bar of chocolate OR ice cream in the evening.

I think you should just start saying 'no' more, OP Grin.

PorkFlute · 15/09/2018 15:45

Regardless of how filling the snacks were no way were they ravenous after a roast dinner, crackers and cheese and strawberries.
If the op had only offered fruit or carrot sticks no doubt they would have decided they were full!

ItsalmostSummer · 15/09/2018 15:51

I would chat with them both each time this friend comes over to your place. State clearly from the beginnng how it will be and the rules at your house: so, we are having this 🍉 for afternoon tea, this for dinner 🍔 and thendesert 🍌 and then the kitchen closes until breakfast which will be 🍞.
You share your house rules with any friend that comes to your house.
You get to be very clear when friend comes in and, explain, that we have set eating and snacking times and that’s it.
Draw a clear line and then be watching them and remind them of the rules when your daughter asks on her behalf tell them. both. I can guarantee at school they don’t let her snack all the time during class. The teacher will be firm and say no to her and remind her these are the rules at school.
Just be firm and stop it. Also dont let the girl over if it’s a problem.

ItsalmostSummer · 15/09/2018 15:53

It just needs for you to be speaking face to face to her. Be clear and show her you know she’s hungry but there’s set food and that’s it.

womanintrousers · 15/09/2018 15:54

DD had a friend who was food fixated at this age - I think it was the onset of puberty as she shot up 18 months later and doesn't ask for extras now. I used to get them to bake something relatively healthy (-ish Grin) like blueberry muffins, oat cookies or flapjack and then let. them eat a couple. It distracted them and stopped nagging.

Rebecca36 · 15/09/2018 15:56

It is difficult but the girl doesn't live with you so probably doesn't hurt on occasions - as long as your daughter doesn't take a pattern from her! The chances are, when your daughter's friend reaches 13, she will go on a diet and almost starve herself.

What you gave the girls to eat was more than adequate btw, sounds good. Yum (may I come along next time :-) )?

BunnyRuddington · 15/09/2018 16:02

Just wondering if yiu let the girls serve themselves with the roast dinner. We’ve been to friends and relatives houses and the amount they sometimes give my D.C. is tiny compared to what they normally eat. Much better to let the take what they want at dinner time.

Agree with the posters suggesting you get them to bake something too Smile

yikesanotherbooboo · 15/09/2018 16:19

I think that there may be an element of the eating being something to keep themselves occupied.
I would have just said no I think... have a drink you might be thirsty and if it went on and was awkward for dd offered something less snack like eg cut up fruit/ carrots or at a pinch toast.
Next time she comes make sure that their time is organised and I agree cooking or baking is a good idea.

Nothisispatrick · 15/09/2018 16:22

Is there a reason you can’t just say no? They’d already had a huge amount of food by the time they were biscuit hunting, and tbh the whole visit sounds completely preoccupied with food which can’t be fun for your DD.

It’s your house and you’re the adult, just say no more food go and play, if she won’t quit it then take her home.

Orchiddingme · 15/09/2018 16:25

I don't get the angst here.

Just allow what you think is right, and when they ask for anything else say 'no, we aren't having any more treats today, there's fruit there'.

Your dd may not be as innocent in this as you think, it's clearly something they can do together (eat, sneak chocolates), it's a big thing esp for girls to have treats and giggles and it can get a bit out of hand.

Lostandfound81 · 15/09/2018 16:27

I actually can’t quite get my head around how much those girls ate over the course of a few hours.

Chiffon · 15/09/2018 16:35

A fully grown physically labouring man wouldn't eat that amount! Where were you going with crisps and chocolate before dinner??

porky1000 · 15/09/2018 16:35

Would you have posted this if the friend wasn't fat?
As that seems to be what is bothering you the most.

Swipe left for the next trending thread