How would you manage this? Awkward situation regarding DC's friend and food?

[AjasLipstick]

DD is 9. She's got a friend whose ten. They're great friends and we often have the friend over for long playdates or sleepovers.

Problem is this. The friend is overweight and wants much more food than we're comfortable giving.

DD eats well and normally. She's not overweight. When her friend is here she will ask DD to ask us for "more" of whatever they've just had...or for money to go and buy sweets.

We feed them well and don't ban the odd treat at all but the friend asks A LOT for more or for junk.

She is a lovely girl in every way but is obviously unbalanced regarding her intake of food as it's excessive.

An example is yesterday. Friend arrived at 4.00pm. On the way to ours with me, they were whispering in the back of the car and then DD said "Can we stop at the bakery for a cake!?" I said no because they had a packet of crisps each.

Then we got home and They were both given a bar of chocolate by DH...normal sized dairy milk. Then they had roast chicken, roast potatoes and gravy with a variety of vegetables. Large portions/

Then an icecream cornet.

An hour and a half later they said they were hungry and were given 4 crackers sandwiched with cheese, a chocolate biscuit....and some strawberries.

An hour after that we found DD sneaking down the hallway with a packet of chocolate biscuits.

We took them away and said that it's not on to take the whole pack. DD would simply NEVER do this. She's not that bothered about biscuits....then they came and asked for more crackers and cheese.

It bothers me because it's too much food and because DD feels she has to ask when her friend tells her to.

The friendship is a nice one...no bullying or anything but DD is a bit of a people pleaser and I don't like the constant eating that's going on when this particular friend is with us.

DD doesn't do this with other friends. I have now just started refusing...

Just checking your DD's friend doesn't have any sensory issues? Some children with sensory seeking tendencies eat because it feels really good and what they need is some other form of deep sensory input (trampolining, massage, theraputty, using a straw for thick milkshake, strong or sour tastes (eg lemon in water, even chewing gum may help). My DS has friends who have this going on - locks on kitchen cupboards are needed unless sensory input is provided in other ways!

We have this same issue with one of DDs friends. We give child sized portions to our kids but there is no way that would suffice the friend because her appetite is bigger so we try to let her take what she needs herself.

Her mum sends her down with a lot of treat foods when she visits that she doesn’t tell us about but shares with our DD. We don’t get too hung up about it because DD can see with her own eyes what the issues are and we bed the issue of healthy eating and doing exercise at other times. I am very fond of the other child and her parents, as pp posters have alluded these are not my problems to solve but they do create problems for DDs friend.

And for the record my kids aren’t overweight but they love sweets. We have sweets once a week but if they go to houses where the parents give them treats whenever they asked they’d probably ask for and eat loads as well.
I only know one of my dcs friends who is a very small eater who I would trust to self regulate intake of sweets and biscuits. My kids would only stop if they thought they were going to give themselves a stomach ache.
Just stop giving treats op.

Who gives fruit and veg sticks on a sleepover / play date
All children eat rubbish on a play date, it's a one off and if your daughter eats normally most of the time then it's fine to let them have treats, as her friend and her weight is not your problem.
However sneaking food is not okay - again, it seems to be your girl doing this though, even if the friend is asking her to, so just have a word with her on her own and tell her she's not allowed to sneak food or mither for constant snacks.
A bakery treat is a nice idea for a sleepover though!

This level of asking after food would be an issue in my house, simply because I can't afford to keep that amount of snacks and treats in the cupboard or fridge. Snacks are always fruit as I can stock up very cheaply.

A one off play date I’d let them eat what they liked. Good friends who are going to be round maybe several times a week and have had a large dinner, pudding, fruit, crackers and cheese, crisps and chocolate would be getting shown the fruit bowl!

You 're making this far more complicated than it needs to be

Pick them up. Make dinner . Serve it. Snacks not needed any way and say hi they can't have nore or help themselves cos you need the food for the rest if the week

No need for the conversation at all.

OP put your big girl pants on and learn how to say the word "NO". All kids ask for snacks at each others houses. I give one snack and then say no to further requests - it's not my job to feed other people's kids.

you've given enough.i would dream of keeping asking my friend if her mum had said "girls no more food now""anything else you no where the fruit is ok.
no is no surely.i cant remember a situation where id ever go against a parent like that.

We once had a 7 yo over who demanded coke as that's all he drank he insisted.
He went home thirsty!!

My DD would be that friend, but she is not allowed to do it at home. There is a cupboard with a lock on it and DP and myself keep the keys on us at all times. DD is not overweight because we are very aware of the situation and just keep a close eye on what she eats.

She really would be like that when visiting someone else though, I know she would.

I really is ok to say no, in fact you really should. Chat to your DD about her normal behaviour and how you do not like that it changes under pressure from this friend. It is good to learn to give in to peer pressure and this age is a good time to do so, before the pressure becomes things like shoplifting, drugs and alcohol.

@Aprilshowersnowastorm - I get where you are coming from, but I have previously bought coke for visiting kids - we don't drink it personally.

Why are people saying it's a one off and playdates are for eating junk food and just once won't harm etc etc. ?

OP has said (In her first sentence of her OP) this girl comes over often for long playdates and sleepovers. So clearly it is an on going problem not a once yearly consumption of a bit of junk food for a treat.

Can we stop picking the OP apart? All those saying 'why didn't you................whatever?', the OP has felt before that it's not right, but because it's someone else's child and she feels pressured at the time she doesn't know how to react. So she's come on MN to ask for ideas.

She's not a criminal for what she's given them, she says that snack wise there were only two packets of biscuits and a tub of vanilla ice cream in the house, then DH brought home some chocolate.

And her main concern is the effect this constant wanting food is having on her daughter, who because the OP hasn't been comfortable about saying no to a guest, has been eating far more sweet food than she normally would, and is sneaking about it too.

OP there has been some good advice on here, I hope it helps.

Can we stop picking the OP apart?

She’s spent an entire thread picking a ten year old child apart.

Does she get treats at home OP? Most kids don't and take the opportunity at friends xx

I would actually have found that my 11 year old DS can easily self regulate with sweet stuff and actually doesn't often want it. His friends bar one are similar now they're older. He likes savoury snacks a lot more as he's got older. I think you wouldn't think twice about this if she was thin so that's really how you have to view it I. E as not your place. My DS is very slim and as this is the case people don't hesitate to try and fill him up which I'm sure they wouldn't do if he was large.

It is cheeky to sneak treats when you've had crisps, chocolate, cheese and crackers, ice cream and biscuits, and a full dinner! (What we don't know is whether it was your dd doing the sneaking).

I ate what I was offered at friends' houses as a child, no requests.

I offered to help at my child’s school Christmas party. I was surprised to be asked to supervise a particular child, whom I didn’t previously know. I was told to keep her away from the classrooms where food was set out for the children to eat later, after the games (each year group had their own feast!).
While all the children were in the hall playing games , I had a terrible time trying to keep watch of this child.

I found her time after time snatching food and gobbling it under tables etc.
I had never encountered anything like it. The child was simply obsessed with eating. She was very overweight. I simply could not convince her to join in with the games. All she wanted to do was eat.

When the time came for the party food to be consumed she ate a lot more than the other children.

I found it a very sad and puzzling afternoon.

They kept asking- you kept giving. Don't blame the (perceived) fat kid here. If it's a problem- say no. Have an amount of junk you're happy with and tell them no more. Your daughter stole the biscuits- whether at the other girls behest or not- she did it, yet that's not her fault? Hide/our up higher everything they aren't allowed and when asked tell them there's fruit or yoghurt, nothing else. Most kids will try it on, dont pander to them.

AjasLipstick I have not read all replies but I want to say "It's the pressure! I feel it and give in. I have to keep putting my foot down I know"

You do. You need to just be very clear, the snack they can have after school, the meal and dessert they can have and then if you are going to offer anything else at all it is carrot batons or sliced cucumber, water melon or fruit bowl etc.

It seems clear the other child has food issues and your dd is being pressurized to ask. In your shoes I would:

Speak to dd and explain what you will offer and that that will be it and she is not to sneak around or ask for more or you will need to limit the amount of time this friend comes over

Speak to the other parent and just express mild concern (if you feel able to) - I'd explain what you are giving the other child and ask advice. The other parent may be trying to get their child's weight down and maybe biscuits or chocolate are not on offer so the other child is really 'going for it' while at your place.

Lastly, I would be very clear with the child what food is on offer, so she can savour it, and maybe wait, 'I'm going to give you a cake or whatever, would you like it now or wait until after dinner.'

In our house water and fruit are unlimited but milky drinks and even squash I limit because my son doesn't always want to eat properly! But I struggle with my own weight and with enforcing the food stuff so you really do have my sympathy.

(And don't talk about weigh or size, at all, I always use teeth and their care as a reason to limit sweets or cakes! Even crisps are not fab for teeth. Teeth are a useful excuse although, of course, one is not needed.)

Frankly at a sleepover I wouldn't really worry about the junk intake. It's not up to you to regulate her friend's food intake or educate her about healthy eating. At our house DDs and their friends dip marshmallows in chocolate and make smores and microwave cup brownies.

Cut the junk not the food. If you have only 2 packs of biscuits in the house that should be pretty easy to achieve. Job done.

Rather shocked by some of the responses on this thread. I suspect some come from defensive (and probably overweight themselves) adults who have probably unwittingly passed in bad habits and expectations as to food to their children who are also becoming or are overweight. It's not fat shaming to note it's terribly unhealthy and to ask advice on what can be done in a specific situation. People are so quick to take offence these days - and assert their rights to do as they please. Probably why we have such an increasingly obese population and declining health.