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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you manage this? Awkward situation regarding DC's friend and food?

186 replies

AjasLipstick · 15/09/2018 12:57

DD is 9. She's got a friend whose ten. They're great friends and we often have the friend over for long playdates or sleepovers.

Problem is this. The friend is overweight and wants much more food than we're comfortable giving.

DD eats well and normally. She's not overweight. When her friend is here she will ask DD to ask us for "more" of whatever they've just had...or for money to go and buy sweets.

We feed them well and don't ban the odd treat at all but the friend asks A LOT for more or for junk.

She is a lovely girl in every way but is obviously unbalanced regarding her intake of food as it's excessive.

An example is yesterday. Friend arrived at 4.00pm. On the way to ours with me, they were whispering in the back of the car and then DD said "Can we stop at the bakery for a cake!?" I said no because they had a packet of crisps each.

Then we got home and They were both given a bar of chocolate by DH...normal sized dairy milk. Then they had roast chicken, roast potatoes and gravy with a variety of vegetables. Large portions/

Then an icecream cornet.

An hour and a half later they said they were hungry and were given 4 crackers sandwiched with cheese, a chocolate biscuit....and some strawberries.

An hour after that we found DD sneaking down the hallway with a packet of chocolate biscuits.

We took them away and said that it's not on to take the whole pack. DD would simply NEVER do this. She's not that bothered about biscuits....then they came and asked for more crackers and cheese.

It bothers me because it's too much food and because DD feels she has to ask when her friend tells her to.

The friendship is a nice one...no bullying or anything but DD is a bit of a people pleaser and I don't like the constant eating that's going on when this particular friend is with us.

DD doesn't do this with other friends. I have now just started refusing...

OP posts:
busyhonestchildcarer · 16/09/2018 19:55

I would stick with limiting greatly the junk,offering fruit whilst also keeping them preoccupied with fun games.I agree the weight is not for you to concern yourself with.be careful not to try to police/ teach her about healthy eating as you are not her parent.You could have a general discussion(but be careful) with her parents about what your child eats when she goes there then discuss what she eats at yours but dont judge.

INeedNewShoes · 16/09/2018 19:56

Thinking about this more it's pretty poor manners that the girl is demanding food and getting your DD to take it.

I was a very greedy hungry child but I never would have asked for snacks after dinner. In fact I don't think I would have asked for anything at someone else's house apart from maybe a drink if I was thirsty.

showmeahero · 16/09/2018 19:59

Gosh OP, you're really getting a bashing
Ignore the 'angry at anything' MNers Thanks
Nothing wrong with a Treat on Fridays or anytime, Your DD, Your House, Your Rules...
I'd make them a Sleepover treat bag for after dinner, combination of Treats and fruit and tell them it was to last the entire evening.
Or how about making healthy Veg/Fruit smoothies with them? Make a lot and they could help themselves if and when, They're so filling x

TommyJoesMummy · 16/09/2018 20:03

A school friend of my sister's used to be like this. She wasn't round for long, and meals were provided.
We used to find her hanging out of the freezer or the fridge... just expecting she could take and eat anything. Hmm
Worst, was when she came with us to our grandparents and she stuck her face in the fridge and ate an entire supermarket apple pie! It was meant for everyone in the house to have as dessert.
She's greedy, and in this case-it's causing a weight issue.
Just explain to your daughter how you want her to behave, have rules set, and enforce the consequences of going against that.
Know what you think is appropriate before and don't bend!

Mamabear4180 · 16/09/2018 20:10

What about doing bread and butter with dinner and putting the plate in the middle of the table. If friend is still hungry offer a cheese sandwich instead of the crackers. That way she's filling up properly without all the extra sugar.

hiddeneverything · 16/09/2018 20:27

Actually I always have an enormous dinner and always feel genuinely hungry later. Why don't you make her something like a bowl of cereal/muesli/porridge with fruit for supper, so healthy but filling? x

Nofunkingworriesmate · 16/09/2018 21:00

You said:
NOBODY feels hungry after what they ate
just so you know it's not real hunger

As a fat person I can inform you that I DO FEEL hungry after others are full and continue eating - that's why I'm fat
And I DO experience the feeling as REAL hunger
there is some sound advise up tread I hope it helps.
I just would like to stick up for all the chubby people wallowing in shame at their size and I would like all the horribly smug " normal sized" people who come on these hideous food threads and snap that it's just sooooooo easy to be controlled around food.
For some people and their children it isn't easy. If it were then the whole planet would be healthy and there would be no fat people
Can we please be kind and less judgmental to those that struggle with their weight?

parentin · 16/09/2018 21:07

Personally I would not go there, I would stick to whatever is usually in your home. Friends eating habits nothing to do with you, unless the mother askes you not to give certain things, etc.

tempester28 · 16/09/2018 21:09

Is it possible that her parents are being very strict at home and withholding treats and snacks becuase of her weight. Because she is your guest she knows your daughter will get her treats and she is making the most if it. I would have a chat to your DD and tell her that you are going to lay on plenty of food but that is it and that she is not to ask for more on behalf of her friend. I would lay out a number of filling snacks when she comes make it seem special for them and let them have free access to it but when its gone its gone. That way there is no monkey business with your daughter sent to ask for food.

masterchef98 · 16/09/2018 21:09

The amount of treats for a sleepover seems ok to me but like you I wouldn't want to give more. If this is a recurring thing with this friend I would be prepared to give her more. Some leftover meat from the roast? Some veg sticks and Houmous? I find fruit platter with cut up fruit (easy snacking rather than whole fruit in a bowl) gets demolished at playdates/ sleepovers with a couple of friends and that is considering my kids aren't into fruit much and we know some fussy eaters. I know all the kids like at least one fruit so I do a colourful cut up platter with each ones favourites (only ones they will eat) on and they all dig in.

Booboo66 · 16/09/2018 21:44

To be honest my DD is similar to friend. She is 8 but the difference is she’s incredibly slim, verging on underweight. The amount she eats after school then a full dinner the size of mine shocks me then she still wants to snack after. I know she hassles for food at others houses too.

Booboo66 · 16/09/2018 21:45

She would be happy with fruit and he sticks though - very happy infact, but they’d not fill her

Booboo66 · 16/09/2018 21:45

*veg not he

Takemetovegas · 16/09/2018 21:55

I'm in the same boat. My DD has an overweight friend who wants food constantly but asks me for it. I've had to change how I give treats too because she will literally Hoover anything "bad" down before anyone else can get their hands on it but she's never hungry for fruit etc. I give way more food to them all when she's around and she will ask for something else every 30 minutes it's actually disturbing. I just say no now and if I have to I'll remind her of what she's just had and let her know what the next piece of food will be and when it will be. She is never happy about it but she'll accept what I've said. I get a solid reminder a few minutes before said food was due too. I really don't know what else I can do but it really comes across as an obsession with a bit of anxiety mixed in.

Strongmummy · 16/09/2018 23:19

You’re feeding your daughter junk so you don’t really have the moral high ground. I’d concentrate on the amount and type of food you’re proving your own children. That way it’ll be easier to say no to the friend

SeamusMacDubh · 16/09/2018 23:25

I feel really sad for these children, it doesn’t seem right, whether it be bad habits or genuine hunger or an anxiety about food or something else.

I struggle with my weight, I tend to yo-yo up and down 2 stone every 6 months and I feel like I have to constantly watch what I eat and “deny” myself. I’m probably greedy.

I try really hard to instil good eating habits in my children. It’s hard because they are picky and high sugar, high fat, low nutrient food is everywhere, it’s inescapable a lot of the time.

op maybe offer some wholewheat rolls with ham instead of crisps? Full fat, low sugar yogurt instead of chocolate bars or ice cream? Something fun like a cheese & pineapple hedgehog?! They could eat the half a melon the cocktail sticks are stuck into too

lowtide · 16/09/2018 23:29

This thread is fucking batshit.

hks · 16/09/2018 23:35

what concerns me is the fact that you say she is asking your daughter to go and ask for more food / treats or money to buy. id stop it before it gets out of hand. Offer meals at meal times and occasional treat whilst she is visiting and plenty of water butIMO your daughters friend has a bit of a cheek on her whispering or asking for more.
Maybe her parents are keeping her an eye on her eating habits and this s why she eats all she can get whilst at your house playing with your daughter.

quizqueen · 17/09/2018 00:06

If they drink a glass of water that will make them feel fuller between meals so... water, apple, water, orange, water banana- no sugary rubbish, no carbs and a normal sized meal. If your daughter's friend asks for anything else , just say, 'No' until she gets the message. You need to break the cycle. If she keeps begging for food then just have her round for short periods to play and not for meals.

Boodapoo · 17/09/2018 00:12

There must be a lot of overweight women projecting their body issues and giving OP a hard time. Ignore them, they do talk shite. You've provided so much junk food already, you're doing the kid a favour by giving her healthier snacks next time.

makingmiracles · 17/09/2018 00:22

I’d keep offering drinks, as something like 80% of hunger is thirst, misinterpreted by the brain as hunger and if they really must have something, some veg/fruit pieces or plain toast. A treat at sleepovers is fine but doesn’t need to be done to excess.

lowtide · 17/09/2018 00:22

PLAIN TOAST
what kind of a fucking sadist are you

lowtide · 17/09/2018 00:23

Christ all you holier than thou people on here are a bunch of cunts. End of.

BigBlueBubble · 17/09/2018 00:27

The issue here is that the friend is greedy and is encouraging your DD to deceive you and steal food in order to feed her greed, as well as influencing DD to be greedy herself. I’d offer a limited amount of healthy food and snacks, and make it clear that’s all there is. If she isn’t hungry enough to eat an apple then it’s greed not hunger. And tell your DD that she’ll be punished if she tries to steal additional food for her friend. If the situation doesn’t improve then I’d probably stop inviting the friend over. It’s no small matter if she’s encouraging greed, deception and theft in your DD.

Original poster
AjasLipstick · 17/09/2018 01:26

I am asking MNHQ to delete this thread. It's going on too long and I am worried it will get picked up by you know who.

OP posts:
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