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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else NOT get the birth they wanted?

176 replies

MischaB · 15/09/2018 00:22

Found out today I may be developing preeclampsia. I've had a complicated pregnancy but have been told throughout I can go to MLU and try a water birth. Had my heart set on it (or at least trying).

Most important thing is if course that baby gets here safe and I would do anything to ensure that happens. It doesn't change my disappointment however regarding childbirth options. For some reason, a smooth birth that I had SOME control over was what I was holding on to and I hoped it would go my way. I felt I deserved it after all the worries and complications we have had.

AIBU to be disappointed that childbirth isn't going to be how I imagined? I'm not naive, I always knew that it could result in a number of ways, I guess I'm just sad and mourning my whole pregnancy as I feel like a lot of precious moments have been stolen by worry.

Did anyone else experience similar?

OP posts:
Creeper8 · 15/09/2018 00:25

well I had 2 emcs so definitely not what I had hoped for..

Original poster
MischaB · 15/09/2018 00:25

*of course

OP posts:
Original poster
MischaB · 15/09/2018 00:26

@Creeper8 did you find that hard to cope with? Or did you just fall in love with baby straight away and stop worrying about how the birth went?

I'm scared to have a c section. Terrified of any kind of surgery.

OP posts:
masktaster · 15/09/2018 00:27

I wanted water as part of my birth.

Instead, a failed induction that distressed
baby and an emcs at 42 weeks

I don't think about it too much, really - the most important thing is DS and I are both here.

Original poster
MischaB · 15/09/2018 00:28

It's probably something that seems really important now but when it comes to it I'll just get on with it.

OP posts:
NCPuffin · 15/09/2018 00:29

Hi! I started a thread about needing a caesarean in the childbirth section today (called 'Negative reactions to a caesarean?'). My baby is breech and not budging, and I've been advised a caesarean is the safest option. Definitely not what I wanted or had anticipated, and I'm finding it a bit difficult. What have they recommended to you?

Creeper8 · 15/09/2018 00:30

i was very disappointed especially the second time as i wasted my time being induced only for it to be another csection. shouldnt have let my mw talk me into trying for a vaginal birth. but no bonded straight away with my baby, it was all worth it. it put me off wanting more though!

Original poster
MischaB · 15/09/2018 00:31

@NCPuffin they've said c section is on the cards if bp continues to rise. Definitely no water, will need continuous monitoring etc. Just all the things I didn't really want.

Sorry you're going through similar. Maybe we feel similarly in our outlooks...

OP posts:
MLTS · 15/09/2018 00:31

Yeah I really really didn't want to get induced. I just always had this feeling I'd go overdue and it would be the only option. I did everything to try and bring it on naturally but nothing worked, went to 42 weeks and had to be induced. Induced contractions (27 hours) are extremely intense.
HOWEVER, I now have the most gorgeous perfect little baby and it was worth every minute.. I just really would hope I'd go naturally next time!

FittonTower · 15/09/2018 00:34

I had 2 emcs too. First was undiagnosed breech - i had big plans for water birth and music and relaxing plinky-plonky atmosphere. Very different to the very clincal, rushed and slightly panicy experience i did have. My second i was a bit more realistic, i went for a vbac knowing it would be all consultant led and monitored and stuff. That one was also an emcs and not great (no details i promise!). However. My babies were perfect and, despite my birth experiences being the opposite of what i envisaged or wanted i loved those babies from the second i heard them cry and the moment i held them in my arms (which was pretty much straight away despite everything) my world changed in the best way ever.
Birth experiences are important. Really important but they won't define your motherhood. Take care of yourself tho x

7salmonswimming · 15/09/2018 00:35

YABU to think you deserve any kind of birth. Life doesn’t work that way. You know that already.

For your own sake, I would let go of any sepia tinted idea of pregnancy, childbirth, motherhood. This is something that is wholly routine for the vast majority of womankind. On the whole, overthinking or putting too much pressure on yourself for any of it isn’t advisable.

Good luck for the rest of your pregnancy and the birth. I hope you and the baby come through healthy and safe, and that you’re able to focus on the joy wherever it comes about, rather than any disappointment.

devuskums · 15/09/2018 00:35

My baby was born dead at 24 weeks so in answer to your question, no I didn't get the birth I wanted.

weebarra · 15/09/2018 00:37

3 emcs here. My youngest is 5. They were all difficult in their own ways. I'd been in labour with DC1 for so long, I was grateful, DC2 I wasn't really with it and DC3 would never have been a section but she was three weeks early and that was that

NCPuffin · 15/09/2018 00:37

I think it's entirely normal to feel disappointed when choices are removed from you, especially if those were your preferred options. I had always borne in mind that a caesarean might be necessary, but never a planned one, where I wouldn't even go into labour. It's out of my hands though! WRT continuous monitoring: ask if you can have wireless monitoring, this allows you to go into the pool, but I think it's a relatively new thing so not many people are aware of its existence.

Witchend · 15/09/2018 00:37

My birth plan for dc1 said: No need for any pain relief except tens. Definitely no epidural or episiotomy.
I had epidural and episiotomy.
Dc2 said: Please can I have an epidural at the start of the 8th month so it's in place ready.
I got by on gas and air.
With dc3 I didn't bother with one as neither the other two had been any use at all.

The midwives said my plan for dc3 was the best.

Merryoldgoat · 15/09/2018 00:37

Two sections here owing to PIH. First came after 5 days of failed induction so was horrid but second was a breeze.

Don’t get caught up in the nonsense stories of ‘empowering’ and ‘magical’ experiences, it’s a means to an end.

I had no bonding issues at all. Just prepared that blood pressure meds can make breastfeeding really hard as it can affect your milk supply - they avoid telling you that but it’s the reality and knowing in advance really helped me second time round.

SpoonBlender · 15/09/2018 00:37

Jesus, devuskums. My heart goes out to you, that's so awful.

And so is putting it here on a 'worries about the birth' thread. Be kind to scared mums-to-be.

Lollypop701 · 15/09/2018 00:39

Just a completely random question... at dc 1st birthday party will you care how they came into the world .. or just relish your life with them?

Smellybean · 15/09/2018 00:42

devuskums
Sorry for your loss.
But why would you put that on this thread ? And in That manner ?

Smellybean · 15/09/2018 00:45

I actually wanted my epidural. As it was baby no 4. I was all ready to have this one with minimal pain. But the midwifes thought different and didn’t want to give it till the last minute but by that time was ready to push.
They literally ignored all of my birth plan.

Stinkbomb · 15/09/2018 00:49

1st - wanted a water birth, had to become consultant lead part way through, ended with an EMCS.
2nd - ELCS all the way.

Fwend · 15/09/2018 00:55

I wanted a natural birth, no pain relief. I completely drank the NCT kool-aid.

I've had 3 sections - 1 for a breech baby, 1 failing placenta, and 1 category 1 crash section after 3 days of labour when they lost the baby's heartbeat.

Not what I wanted, but all good in their own way. Expectations can only lead to disappointment here, I think!

Stinkbomb · 15/09/2018 00:55

Devuskums I am so so sorry for your loss xxx

To those who asked why she thought it was appropriate to put it on this post about a worried Mum to be - because we all think that we get some say in how it's going to happen - we don't. About any of it. Things do go wrong - far too often unfortunately. And by being aware of factors that we could be aware of to reduce the risk is so important, rather than just focusing on getting the birth experience we want, it is far more important to focus on the baby, and especially important to monitor and be aware of your baby's movements.

smotheroffive · 15/09/2018 01:00

I wanted my first at home, and all were on side with that although MW tried to lower expectations as higher number of first labours transferred from home.

But when full breach diagnosed it was all taken out of my hands, was told you'll be strapped up from first contraction with theatre standing by for ecs. I went home terrified and cried my eyes out. Hated the thought of being in hospital away from all things nesty and familiar.

Got legendry independent MW who birthed me at home with trad birthing stool and some gas n air. I trusted her implicitly.

So glad I found her. Had also tried the obs\gynae consult forcing baby to turn, but not for budging.

PodgeBod · 15/09/2018 01:03

I never had an idea of a dream birth I was looking forward to, but my first ended up being a planned breech section and it was fantastic. My second was a natural birth, and I still feel traumatised by it every day, 2 years later. You really can't plan it.

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