Anyone else NOT get the birth they wanted?

[MischaB]

Found out today I may be developing preeclampsia. I've had a complicated pregnancy but have been told throughout I can go to MLU and try a water birth. Had my heart set on it (or at least trying).

Most important thing is if course that baby gets here safe and I would do anything to ensure that happens. It doesn't change my disappointment however regarding childbirth options. For some reason, a smooth birth that I had SOME control over was what I was holding on to and I hoped it would go my way. I felt I deserved it after all the worries and complications we have had.

AIBU to be disappointed that childbirth isn't going to be how I imagined? I'm not naive, I always knew that it could result in a number of ways, I guess I'm just sad and mourning my whole pregnancy as I feel like a lot of precious moments have been stolen by worry.

Did anyone else experience similar?

I feel so uninformed though.
Birth classes in my area were booked up by the time I had my 12 week scan and they were booking me in.

I'm booked in for when I am 39 weeks in the hope I haven't given birth by then which is looking less and less likely!

No idea what forceps do.
No idea what ventouse does.
Know a little bit about c section.
Know a little about this and the etc etc.

I just don't feel ready. My midwife is really terrible. I don't trust her with anything. She missed that my blood pressure had gone up and that I had protein in my urine (forgot to do a irons test. Also didn't turn up to my 25 week appointment. She gave me another appointment at nearly 27 weeks, omitted my 28 week appointment because there was 'no point' which meant I didn't have any 28 week bloods). I see her because I have to. She wants to do a birth plan with me. I'll do it and it's going straight in the bin as again, I don't trust her knowledge, or anything she says.

Google is great but you end up with horror stories or fluffed up butterflies and rainbows.

I just feel so out of the loop...

*blood test

Sorry, urine test (not blood or irons test!!)

I had a lovely text book labour.

Contractions from 3:30 am, tens machine for the day. Hospital at 9pm, waters broke when there, some lovely diamorphine then a 45 minutes active labour. 3 pushes and DD was out. She did the little scootch up me and latched on herself. It was lovely.

2 weeks later the severe infection and retained placenta being removed by (what felt like) a small lady climbing back into my womb wasn't much fun! Spending ten days in hospital on a drip, antibiotics, and still looking after DD was awful.

My point being that birth is such a small part. It can be great and then go to shit. So please try not to focus on it too much.

The best birth advice I got was as long as you end up with your baby at the end then it's all good!

Birth is scary and we all hope fervently that we can exert some sort of control.

It is completely understandable that you feel disappointed.

I think just let yourself have whatever feelings come your way and don't be crushed by anyone being dismissive whether in here or real life.

One if the best things you can do to look after yourself during the period of pregnancy and birth is to have the courage to voice your feelings and preferences. You're the one giving birth, everyone else can suck it up.

Is there any option of transferring your care from that midwife?

DS1 - My waters broke at 36wks, had a failed induction which resulted in 4 days of labour and an emcs - so no, not what I wanted or expected.
DS2 - was supposed to be so much more straight forward. Planned section at 39wks...however got polyhydramnios, so section was brought forward to 37wks, waters broke morning of section and was offered chance to try naturally, declined and went ahead with section.

If both experiences have taught me anything it's to expect the unexpected where pregnancy, childbirth and children in general are involved.

TBH both times were exhausting, slightly terrifying but also absolutely fine and I didn't really care afterwards as I had my babies and they and I were safe.

Yes I really wanted a lovely calm no interventions no drugs water birth. Instead I ended up with 2 emcs.

First time I was incredibly upset. I felt like a failure. Add in a whole load of anxiety around the whole pregnancy (fertility treatment & previous loss), that dd didn’t cry at birth & I didn’t get to see or hold her for quite a while and I just felt awful about it. I cried every day for a year about it in fact, and only stopped crying because I got pg again and focussed entirely on ‘getting it right’ next time.

People telling me that the important thing was we were all fine really didn’t help either. As if I didn’t know that, but I was also really upset and it just made me think I shouldn’t talk about it.

Second time everything looked great & then I ended up with a very emergency cs with a difficult recovery (lost a lot of blood). But I felt so much happier with it. Partly I knew what to expect, partly I had been able to plan it out & express my wishes and was prepared for it as an eventuality. It helped me to come to terms with the first one really.

I still feel a little sad that I will never experience a natural birth. I am a little jealous of those who have. But 6 years on from the first birth, 4.5 from the second it really isn’t something I think about any more.

I had what on paper is a normal, straightforward vaginal birth. The only pain relief I had was TENS and gas and air, I did have an episiotomy but that was on my own request as I'd been pushing a back to back baby for close to 3 hours after a 48 hour labour. My recovery was pretty good.

At the time, it was absolutely horrible. I was a bit traumatised for the first couple of days, and was so worried about the damage to my vagina! I found it hard to bond with my baby for the first day or two as I was so exhausted/overwhelmed/traumatised by what had happened. Bearing in mind my birth was straightforward and midwife lead!

I'm posting this because, there's no perfect ideal. If you had a water birth, you could still feel the way I did. Now my DS is almost 3 and I'm pregnant again, I look back and know it was straightforward. You do forget.

I got two sections which is what I asked for so I was very happy! If I'd have been made to give birth I would still be affected now years later. That is the thing about sections, they are more predictable so you know what is coming and so I felt relaxed through both my pregnancies.

“At the time, it was absolutely horrible. I was a bit traumatised for the first couple of days, and was so worried about the damage to my vagina! I found it hard to bond with my baby for the first day or two as I was so exhausted/overwhelmed/traumatised by what had happened. Bearing in mind my birth was straightforward and midwife lead!”

Could have written this myself. It wasn’t even the pain, it was the sheer exhaustion.

I had a car crash a few months after DD was born, and I can honestly say I was in better mental shape the day after that than the day after labour. I can remember looking at (lovely, supportive) DH while I was lying on the postnatal ward thinking “You will NEVER understand what I’ve just been through, you male-privileged shit!”. And I had a straightforward time of it!

Having said that, it was the easiest ‘trauma’ to get over. Within a few weeks I started thinking about DC2, and we started trying again when DD was 6 months. I’m pregnant now and although I’m not relishing another labour, I’m definitely more prepared!

It's ok to not like the process. You'll hopefully have an easier time than you think. I had a failed induction turn into a c-section, which was ok once the spinal was done (I was so scared of it); you can keep yourself going by reminding yourself that it's lowest risk for the baby to be born that way. It's quite quick, then you're just so distracted by the baby on your chest. I could do more within even one and two days than I thought, but also it took longer to recover than I thought. By which I mean that I could walk about 15 minutes easily and do stuff, but pain at certain angles of lifting the baby (or anything else) or bending and general discomfort around the scar didn't fade until about 10 weeks. Request hot peppermint water for the gas, wear your socks, take the painkillers and just give yourself lots of time; request help at home as you'll really need it. The scarring lump started to get thinner very suddenly at about 4 months, the scar itself is ok (and mine apparently was double length) and the stretches are starting to fade at 6 months. There is no contradiction in loving my baby and being disappointed that I had a physical impact, that I didn't get to have a vaginal birth etc. A couple of friends with big episiotomies also had long recoveries, everyone can find some aspects easier or harder. Make friends with women giving birth at the same time, you'll all understand each other and it's a useful support. Have you joined the ante-natal group for your month on here yet? They will be discussing birth plans right now, you'll get the answers most easily by joining your peers.

OP, you do completely and entirely deserve a calm, straightforward, controlled birth and a lovely first meeting with your beloved baby. Of course you do!

I think you're doing totally the right thing by looking at all the options and getting informed.

All I was trying to say was that controlled and peaceful can happen in lots of ways, it doesn't have to be water births and whale music

Totally relate to the 'give me a break FfS' feeling. With dc2, I had two MCs in the months, conceived again straight away, bled hugely, thought it was going to be three MCs in six months, didn't relax till about week 25 and then found out at week 34 that he was dangerously tiny and had a week to live if not born quickly.

For me, choosing a CS and not going through the uncertainty of induced labour (consultant's preference as better for me) was a completely positive choice because I was in control.

Could you maybe go to the hospital for a tour or ask to speak to a midwife there? Our local hospital offers that. Might help you get your head round all the possibilities.

YANBU to be disappointed or frustrated in either things not going your way or in feeling a lack of information or support or in having an antenatal midwife you can't trust (though, if you feel able, talking to PALS might be able to help you and at least flag up the issues with those above your midwife). Entirely natural, I've been through all of those and it can be really draining and hurtful.

Working on emotional first aid and ways to help cope with those in vulnerable time may also be helpful to you. Have something to distract yourself if you find yourself thinking on it a lot, try to focus only on what is in your control, connecting with others can all be part in helping to make it so the disappointments and other tough emotions don't eat too much at you. I hope things go well for you

We didn’t do birth classes or any other type of class, mainly as the first 13 weeks we were just worrying about another mc, so everything I knew about what to expect came from books and friend’s experiences.

I really wanted a pool birth, and we started there at 5cm, it was brilliant and I loved it, it was very relaxing.
Sadly I wasn’t progressing and both our heart rates were very high.
I had to give a urine sample which never came, they were worried I dehydrated, so I was sent downstairs to the labour ward and put on a drip and a catheter inserted.
I ended up having some difficulty giving birth on my back, one of the two things I really didn’t want to do during birth as it’s supposed to be more painful, and I needed an episiotomy which was horrible as they had no time to numb me.

However, the rush of emotion and love I felt when DD was placed on my chest the seconds after she arrived, and when she nuzzled in made every second of pain worth it. Such a cliché, but true.

My advice would be to do as much research on what to expect, and on the different ways of giving birth, that way you can manage your own expectations.

Your being sold a dream.
You can plan all you like. Decide where when and how... Control of it all ever detail..
Then your child decides to come hard and fast in the lift of the car park...
Just plan on a healthy child, who is a good weight and has all their fingers and toes. The rest is a bonus.

dinosaurkisses wow you're brave! For a good few months after DS I didn't think I would have another. Not just because of the birth, because of the whole trauma of that followed by the sleep deprivation. And he slept through from about 9 weeks. I was just completely unprepared for 1. The pain of the contractions, 2. How hard the whole thing was on my body, 3. The trauma of having to be stitched, especially as it took them so long to even do that and I was in so much pain I couldn't even just hold DS and forget about it. Ugh, I'll never forgive those satanic midwives!

But, I did forget how horrible it was for sure. And now I say all kinds of shit and mean it like ooh I'd love to be a birthing partner and I feel more confident knowing what will happen next time.

Sorry OP I've completely gone off on a tangent, but my point remains - you could have a water birth with plinky plonky music and feel the trauma of a complicated birth. I have a friend who had her baby in theatre with forceps, not a nice time at all, but she maintains that she was so out of it she wasn't fazed.

Both times. First time I had romantic notions for a water birth but circumstances prevented it. Second time was an induction with back to back baby.

I had the labour that happened. The one I "wanted"wasn't even on the cards. So I went with it. I went with what was happening at any given time and even though on paper the labour wasn't ideal, it as actually really positive for me. I stopped wishing it was another way and that helped me cope and focus.

Yep x 3. Dd 1 i found out was breech at 37 weeks - c section. Ds1 i tried for a vbac but he got stuck so another section. Ds2 i planned a natural section where u get ro help pull baby out as i was desparate for some sort of natural birth but at 36 weeks i was told that the placenta had grown theough my uterus and into my bladder so i was rushed to a major hospital 2 hrs away and he was born under a general in an 8 hr cesarean hysterectomy to save our lives. Not the births i wanted but i dont greive for it because i have my beautiful babies. Not to shit in anyone who does feel loss as im sure i will greive my loss of fertility when i get the next wave of wanting more children. Maybe uts a defense mechanism so i dont wallow in self pity

I've had two children. My son was prem and resultantly I didn't get anything I'd wanted (home birth, birth pool, minimal intervention - instead I was induced, given epidural, continuous monitoring). I wasn't overjoyed but I saw it as they had to do what they needed to to get him here safely.

Second birth was totally different. Again I wanted a home birth but baby was breech so that wasn't on the cards. Fine. But, (@NCPuffin this is relevant for you) I was told I should have a csection as baby was breech. I had an appointment with the breech team who were prepared to discuss a vaginal delivery as I really, REALLY didn't want a csection - I live rurally with no bus service and a three year old, I would not have coped with a 6 week recovery with a boisterous toddler needing entertaining and my family don't live nearby. In the event, I went in to spontaneous labour, and delivered breech with only gas and air. They had no chance of even giving me an epidural, as it was 20 mins from arriving at hospital to holding my girl! I was so pleased and it proved it could be done too.

I found it easier recovering mentally from my second birth as it was closer to what I'd wanted - not the home birth I'd so wanted but minimal intervention, no invasive pain relief.

I didn't realise someone had started a thread off the back of this one. Sorry if I've scared anyone. I'm just being realistic. I think birth is scary and actually it's best to be informed rather than omitting the stuff that could possibly go wrong. Great if you get the birth you want, but that's a bonus surely? Everyone telling you 'yes I had a lovely wonderful birth' is great but it does nothing other than get your hopes up regarding your own experience. For me, I just don't find that helpful. I like to be prepared for all eventualities. This thread has been unbelievably helpful. Thank you for those who have shared and continue to share.

I think that accusing women of sharing their difficult birth stories of scaring people is bullshit.

In actual fact I think only talking about positive birth stories scares women more if their birth isn’t uncomplicated!!!

I agree @YeTalkShiteHen - I don't know many people who have given birth and didn't find it scary in some way shape or form. I have found the whole pregnancy quite terrifying. It simply means that you care. That's all. I'm scared of what could go wrong, for my baby's wellbeing, my wellbeing, DP's wellbeing. I find a lot f things scary. It's a good scared and it stimulates your fight or flight response and probably gives you that extra oomph to push on through rather than giving up or falling apart.
Thanks again everyone and if anyone else has anything they'd like to share it would be so greatly appreciated!

Totally agree OP. It’s ironic, since DDs birth was technically the most complicated and risky, yet the way it was managed by the staff (in the 8 minutes it took me to get from the door to the delivery room and her to be born!) meant it was actually the least stressful!

Which lulled me into a false sense of security for DS2 and left me in an emotional mess!!!

Talking is good, sharing experiences around childbirth, pregnancy, motherhood, PND is all good, because there is so much societal pressure on women to “get it right” but nobody fucking tells us what is right!

I had 2 water births. First in MLU long slow start to labour and 2nd at home. Both were amazing births. So yes amazing births do happen. Would I have been sad, if I didn't get the births I wanted. Yes I would have!!

And it doesn't matter how many scary stories people tell, we are all people with hopes and dreams, birthing is one of them.