Anyone else NOT get the birth they wanted?

[MischaB]

Found out today I may be developing preeclampsia. I've had a complicated pregnancy but have been told throughout I can go to MLU and try a water birth. Had my heart set on it (or at least trying).

Most important thing is if course that baby gets here safe and I would do anything to ensure that happens. It doesn't change my disappointment however regarding childbirth options. For some reason, a smooth birth that I had SOME control over was what I was holding on to and I hoped it would go my way. I felt I deserved it after all the worries and complications we have had.

AIBU to be disappointed that childbirth isn't going to be how I imagined? I'm not naive, I always knew that it could result in a number of ways, I guess I'm just sad and mourning my whole pregnancy as I feel like a lot of precious moments have been stolen by worry.

Did anyone else experience similar?

First time around I had plans for lovely natural water birth. I developed pre-eclampsia are 40+5 and was induced the same day. I had a pretty horrendous time but I think the thing that made it hardest was that I had no time to shift my expectations about birth. It sounds like you have some time to come to terms with it, my advice would be to use it.

Second time around I was absolutely determined that if I developed pre-eclampsia again I was having a section. Developed it again at 40+ weeks. The consultant managed to talk me out of the section and I ended up with a lovely quick birth with just gas and air. Obviously they let me no where near water but other than that I got what I wanted first time round.

The thing to accept is that if you develop pre-eclampsia you are not going to have the control you wanted over your birth experience. The payoff is that you and baby come out the other end healthy which is the only thing that actually matters.

I didn’t have the birth I’d planned - medical complications meant no MLW water birth. But actually, I was totally fine with it in the moment - I’d dreaded being on a labour ward but barely even noticed.

I had expected to be moving around and labouring on the ball, but whatever way the baby was situated the only way I could cope was by perching at the edge of the bed and swaying. If someone had told me to get in a pool I would have had some choice words for them!

1st was exactly how I wanted
2nd was traumatic
3rd wasn't how I wanted but still good
4th was traumatic, worse than 2nd and baby has life long complications
5th was awful, both of us nearly died and both of us have life long complications

It's probably something that seems really important now but when it comes to it I'll just get on with it.

So much this! I hoped for hypnobirthing with water. I got an induction, attempted manual rotation of back-to-back baby under epidural, then emergency forceps delivery with massive episiotomy. I remember lying in theatre thinking “I really wish I’d not wasted so much time fretting about the details; it’s so obviously brilliant that I’ve got skilled professionals who are compassionate and respectful and keeping us both safe. Nothing else is relevant.”

I do think having great birth partners was a big help, and the hypnobirthing techniques I’d practised were still fab for keeping calm even in a totally different situation to the one I envisaged.

Oh, and he was blue and breathless on arrival and had to go to NICU for monitoring, and I’d had pethidine earlier in the labour, and I was so so worried about breastfeeding as I really wanted to and got no skin-to-skin til he was 3 hours old. He took to it like a champ and is still feeding now at 1.

for you OP, my heart goes out to you.

I remember being devastated when I went overdue with ds1 and was told would have to be induced. Although to be fair, that's mainly because I'm a massive wimp and my birth plan basically read Give Me The Drugs, Bitch.

In the end, I had the epidural before the syntocinon, it was pretty much pain free, I didn't tear and all was well.

Second time round, CS to deliver prem baby who wouldn't have long to live if left in the womb.

So I've had two children without ever going into labour, needed help both times and wouldn't have my gorgeous DCs without it.

I do respect the women who brave the pain to have an experience they value, but I think it's a mistake to put too much emotional significance on it, or treat it at some kind of first test of mothering.

My births are positive to me because at the end of it, I was in one piece and my DCs were alive and came home. Nothing else matters.

Good luck

It might help to think of your birth plan not as a “plan”, but more of a “wish list”.
Labour is not like booking an adventure holiday and specifying which activities you’ll have.
It’s an unpredictable and potentially life threatening process. As I’ve said before on MN, around the world, 830 women die every day from the complications of pregnancy and childbirth.
The only reason that our rate of maternal mortality is so much lower in Britain is largely down to all that surgical intervention that natural birthers complain about.
By all means think about what you’d like for your own labour. But don’t labour under the delusion (pun intended!) that it will definitely happen that way. It’s very sad that women feel disappointed, or worse, a failure, just because they needed life saving intervention.
You’re still an awesome mother, however you deliver
. Best wishes, OP, and trust your obstetrician to make the right decisions for you. That’s why they spent all those years in post grad specialist training after qualifying as doctors.

Op its better to know beforehand what might be the best course of action.

I was suspected pre eclampsia and induced 3 weeks early. In labour from Thursday and had to have emergency c section on Sunday .

It was scary and traumatic at the time but had no problem bonding, feeding etc.

Any birth plan went out the window and then some. It wasn't what I wanted, what I'd imagined, but DD is now 9, it hasn't affected either of us.

Sometimes these things don't go to plan and you can't control that

Yes all three times.

First planned a natural as possible birth in water and midwife lef centre. Ended up with an undiagnosed breech baby in distress so had a c section under GA.

Second baby planned a VBAC, ended up very poorly at the end of pregnancy was admitted to hospital during a routine appointment and advised to have a c section which I had a couple of days later.

Third baby planned vba2c, had a very long labour but couldn’t get past 6cm ended up with another c section which was very traumatic(I was in there for 3 hours).

My births experiences were horrible and it has taken me a long time to feel okish with them.

Nope not at all.
I was planning a natural birth with just dp and a midwife or 2 being there.
Instead I was rushed into hospital at 32 weeks with very severe sudden on set pre eclampsia, and was told I was going to be induced and baby was going to the NICU if my condition didn't improve.
Fast forward 2 days and the plan changed to emcs with 2 surgeons, 2 midwives, 10 surgical team and 5 NICU nurses and a pediatrician. I didn't even see my son till over a day later.
But as horrible as that sounds it was fine. My son was safe and alive and so was I. That's all that matters.
I think people get too hung up on thier ideal births that when it doesn't go right it becomes a very big stress factor.
My son's birth was scary but I was already prepared for things not to go my way, because birth is dangerous and it often doesn't go as planned.
I hope things go well for you and baby

devuskums has every right to put it on this thread. Her case perfectly illustrates the fact that it’s daft to get hung up on the birth, as long as you and the baby emerge from it OK. devuskums, so sorry for your loss.

Nope didn't have the birth that I wanted, got transferred from the MLU and ended up with a bad tear and a poorly baby, all was fine in the end but I didn't feel as bonded as I hoped as we were both whisked away as soon as he was born.

If I had carried on with my intended labour in the MLU my baby would have been stuck and there would have been no doctors and a ten min blue light journey to get to the main hospital so really I'm glad that it didn't go to plan and we transferred earlier.

It does still have an impact on me now but if you know things aren't going to go the way you hoped in advance you do have a little time to get your head around it and at the end of the day the most important thing is a healthy baby in your arms, not how they got there ♥️

@devuskums so sorry for your loss. And I don't mind at all you posting it on this thread. Yes it was blunt but it's your story and I could never deny you of that.

To those who have said they're baffled by someone 'deserving' a certain type of birth; of course I know I'm not owed anything. It was just a word I used to describe how I feel. My pregnancy has been tough. We are worried about the baby. The 20 week scan showed anomalies. I have poor mental health. I would've liked to have, after all the stress and anxiety we have suffered, had a birth close to what I imagined. Have you never said 'he/she really deserves a break' about anyone? It's just a word. Of course I'm not truly naive enough to think the world owes me peaches and rainbows. People take things very literally on mn.

I'm actually trying to be realistic here which is why I started this thread. It's been really interesting to read this morning. Thank you to everyone who has contributed. Feeling a bit better today and remaining positive. Birth is scary and I'm trying to get my head round it all

OP I know what you meant by deserves, I felt I deserved a good birth experience after my horrible ones, that I deserved to be able to hold my baby when they were born and have skin to skin the way you W are constantly told is the best start to life.

I'm so glad you are feeling a bit more positive and even with a straight forward pregnancy surely every woman hopes for everything to go well and the more positive the expectations the better the outcomes. That planning and positivity do help, a lot. You should be able to look forward to your own birth under your control. Where you want with those you love and trust around\or not, whatever is best for you is going to be best for delivery and baby.

I am sorry you have suffered further distress of any sort on this thread. I do agree that plans need to be measured somewhat against realistic expectations. We all know things can go wrong and sometimes the medical intervention saves lives and completely changes what we'd wished for.

I think it's extremely brave of you under the circumstances, as many of the posts can be quite scary to read just as you approach your own birth.

Surely everyone thinks, don't I deserve a bloody break! Yes, its not fair, and we all know life isn't about fair that our social construct of sense of fairness.

I am not surprised you are worried and you are doing all the right things to process that and be prepared for your birth.

Bless you, and hoping you get the birth you want, and that baby anomolies don't cause too much challenge for you and baby.

Hopeful to can be focussing on being excited to get your baby! Warmest wishes x

@smotheroffive thank you so much for that! What a lovely post. That was heartwarming to read. Thank you

First birth was a very late miscarriage and was horrific.

DS1 - I didn’t really know what I wanted tbh, and it was ok.

DD - undiagnosed footling breech only discovered when her feet and legs came in the car park of the hospital! Thankfully, due to the fantastic response from the staff she was born safely and with no complications which I am forever grateful for.

DS2 - midwife was horrid, really fucking horrid. He was caught by the student as the MW was walking away telling me I was making a fuss (I wasn’t, I was telling her, calmly, that I needed to push and he was coming now). She was really nasty and sent DP away literally minutes later, then spent all night at the top of her lungs telling her colleagues about her last night out. No pain relief, no clean sheets, no shower, nothing.

Well that IS what you deserve, and every woman going into this, to have support and as much positivity as possible in the run up to their birth. I omitted to give and you have -shamed me!!! Ha!

Thank you. ATB xx

Ooo! yetalkshitehen x-posted with yours, my first comment sounded awful following on from the nasty MW nightmare you had. How bloody awful.

I have heard loads of this type stories where some MW think they know better than mothers who can feel what's going on!
So glad your breach went well! Similar here and probs had it not been undiagnosed you'd have had surgery to deliver!

I didn't have the birth I 'wanted', but it was great, I promise! I wanted to be in the pool in the birthing centre, but I had a heart problem throughout pregnancy and had to be monitored constantly through labour, so was in the delivery suite. I gave birth on my back, with forceps in the end. Not what I'd envisaged, but I'd studied hypnobirthing before, and was totally chilled throughout. I stayed at home for the first 12 hours (had about 4 baths!), then went to hospital at about 9am, baby was born at 6pm. I didn't need or want any pain relief but I found pushing difficult so asked for help, hence the forceps. I recovered quickly and easily and am now looking forward to giving birth again in a few weeks. I realise I was lucky that I had a straightforward birth despite my heart issue (went into labour naturally, baby was in a good position). I'd say you can't cling to an 'ideal vision' of birth because frankly, so much is out of your control. However, you can be well-informed and hopefully supported by a lovely birth partner and midwives, so you feel calm and consenting throughout. Very best of luck to you!

smotheroffive don’t worry I knew it wasn’t about me. Thank you, I was really upset at the time, but I’m ok now. I guess she was a one off shit midwife because all the others were lovely.

My first ended up being induced. I was gutted when they told me it would be happening.

Took 3 days of contractions for things to get moving then he was back to back and face first - the pain was nothing like I expected, each contraction was muscle cramping agony literally from my knees to my armpits. I ended up with an epidural and gave birth on my back. Everything I didn't want. Apparently the pain is worse when they are back to back as they're against your spine but I can't ever know as I had an episotomy then tore so badly they recommended a section for my next baby to avoid becoming doubly incontinent. So I don't know if that pain was normal and I'm a wimp or if it is legitimately worse. Perhaps someone on here can say if the pain was knee to armpit?

He was induced partly as they said there was too much fluid. I googled it and the number seemed to be the high end of normal but still ok... but I took their advice anyway. Then in delivery the doctor who delivered and the midwives were discussing amongst themselves that I shouldn't have been induced and the number wasn't high enough. I found it quite hard to swallow for awhile, wondering if things would be different had I not been induced but ultimately it's ok.

I was terrified of a section second time round and while I preferred giving birth again it wasnt awful.

I feel sad I won't ever get a chance to have a go at the birth I want but it's a minor feeling. It definitely all felt worse when I was pregnant. Once they were both here it was much better.

My 1st labour OP was horrific. I'd heard all the chat about it being like bad period pains, and that you could breathe through it. Ha fucking ha. I had a failed 4 day induction that ended up with a theatre ventouse and forceps delivery followed by a massive PPH. My poor DH was actually really traumatised by it all and would happily have never had more! He said he had nightmares about it for months after. I was lucky I wasn't able to see what he did and was bombed out of my mind on an epidural and pethidine.

So when I fell pregnant with our 2nd, I was so scared that I almost didn't want to go ahead with it. Sadly our darling boy was stillborn at 26 weeks and that birth was even more horrific than my 1st. And we came home with empty arms.

So with our 3rd and 4th..... I'd have consented to delivery by chainsaw if it meant that the baby came out OK. I knew by that stage that it was going to be horrific whatever happened as I was going to be so terrified of something going wrong. 3rd baby was an emergency section..... again horrifying but the 4th and final one was actually a planned section under the loveliest team imaginable who gave me such amazing care and it turned out to be the best birth of the lot.

I found it easier to cope with knowing that actually I had no control over any of it and just went with the flow. I hope you get a good delivery and a perfect healthy baby at the end

You've had loads of replies here op but wanted to briefly share my experience. I had drunk the nct kool aid first time round and wanted a very natural birth and on paper I got it... mlu, water birth, gas and air, however it went on for 76 hrs and my baby was whisked off to nicu immediately. Took a long time to bond, breastfeeding didn't work out, developed pnd.

Second one was late so I was offered induction. Jumped at the chance because actually it's planned and that gave me far more of a sense of control than a labour that went on for days and was incredibly painful. Also the first baby I took home having not slept a wink for 5 days, hallucinating and my eyesight was failing and that was a very BAD start. With the induction I slept the night before, 9 hrs labour and went home 4hrs later.

Basically however it goes you can be positive about It, wishing you the best of luck.

I think the problem stems from being encouraged to choose your ideal birth and create birth plans etc.

THIS

To a large extent you get what fate gives you. Where possible, you can have that natural/water/gas and air etc birth that you would ideally like. For others there are no options.

I had 3 premature babies by c-section. The first time I had sepsis - luckily I was an inpatient already otherwise I wouldn't be here today. I had a general, OH wasn't even told when DS was born, it was a very long time before I saw my son. Cue the whole NICU/SCBU thing.
I had 48 hours notice for DD but was bumped due to emergencies until we became the emergency - not ideal. Repeat prem baby experience.
DS2 - he was the smallest and earliest but the birth experience was the best. Probably because I had a week's notice and I knew what was coming. I was awake and when he started grunting because he couldn't breathe properly I was the one telling the midwife that it was ok, he'd better go straight to NICU. Of course I was scared but I was better able to rationalise the experience.

Good luck OP.

My first birth was at the end of a low risk pregnancy, and I had a family history of quick, uncomplicated births so a weekend of exhausting labour finishing in EMCS, baby having a brief trip to NICU and me ending up in HDU with symptoms of pre-eclampsia was a bit of a shock to my system. It hit me quite hard, but that's also in the context of having already been pretty much housebound with SPD (plus carpal tunnel syndrome) so was quite weak and out of my mind with cabin fever before I'd even got the birth recovery to deal with. In total, before and after the birth, I couldn't drive for 3 months which was a very lonely and isolated time for me.

I wanted a VBAC which is classed as high risk so ruled out a lot of the niceities that I would have as a first choice. After phoning the MWs in tears at 6m pg as DS1's 2nd birthday was dredging up a lot of flashbacks and baggage of moments that I was going to have to face again, particularly involving being monitored and I got an appointment with a specialist MW on labour ward. We were able to establish a plan that got me as active as my SPD ridden body and monitoring could allow. The actual labour was good in the end. I was comfortable over a birthing ball. I was in a relaxed state of mind with hypnobirthing tracks looping over. When the MW hit the big red button, it was explained calmly and the whole situation felt more managed than first time. Nothing more could really be done to prevent a trip to theatre and an unpleasant birth injury, but on balance it was a positive birth that healed some baggage from first time.

Birth is unpredictable, but the value of a birth plan is in establishing comfortable starting points within the options avaliable to you. That's harder with a first birth when it is all unknown. Second time, I knew that I did not want pethadine under any circumstances and that the pain is easier to manage with a clear head than being locked into a fog with it and losing connection with the surrounding world which was a major component in dealing with the unexpected elements of the birth.

Most of the ELCS stories I've heard have been calm and positive and a far cry from some of their EMCS predecessors. Actually my EMCS itself wasn't too bad, a spinal block after 40 hours of pain can do wonders and the atmosphere in there was calm. I did get myself tied in knots over VBACs and "wanting to finish the job off properly" as irrational as that is. If I ever did have a 3rd (lifestyle, not birth issues), in the absence of guarentees of gently blowing out a baby into warm water, and my history, I probably would go for the more controlled risks of a ELCS.

We live in a world where we are presented with a semblence of control most of the time and we are sold myths with pregnancy and birth. At times like birth if that goes out of the window, it can be hard to deal with and that must be acknowledged. It's not always connected and proportionate to the immediate and long term outcomes of the birth and that's OK. One person's near death experience is another person's lucky to be alive.

Probably, the most important element of a decent birth is feeling connected and informed with the process, not details like birthing pools or forceps.