Anyone else NOT get the birth they wanted?

[MischaB]

Found out today I may be developing preeclampsia. I've had a complicated pregnancy but have been told throughout I can go to MLU and try a water birth. Had my heart set on it (or at least trying).

Most important thing is if course that baby gets here safe and I would do anything to ensure that happens. It doesn't change my disappointment however regarding childbirth options. For some reason, a smooth birth that I had SOME control over was what I was holding on to and I hoped it would go my way. I felt I deserved it after all the worries and complications we have had.

AIBU to be disappointed that childbirth isn't going to be how I imagined? I'm not naive, I always knew that it could result in a number of ways, I guess I'm just sad and mourning my whole pregnancy as I feel like a lot of precious moments have been stolen by worry.

Did anyone else experience similar?

I wanted a water birth with as little intervention as possible. I had a low risk, straight forward pregnancy. I couldn't go into the MLU due to having GBS which was disappointing but I accepted it and was told a water birth would still be possible.

I ended up being induced due to being two weeks over and having two unsuccessful sweeps. A failed induction and failure to progress resulted in me having an epidural and emergency c-section. Basically everything I didn't want.

As a first time mum I was told that birth plans don't always go to plan, but it still disappoints me that I didn't have a normal delivery (even without the water) as I'm probably not going to get the opportunity again.

Didn't know what to expect with my 1st. As long as we were both well. Unfortunately I had a miscarriage at 20 weeks. 2nd pregnancy just wanted to get over the 20 week mark. Ended up with a emergency c section at 31 weeks due to no fluid and infection. Ended staying in hospital for over a month and the baby for 5 weeks in two different hospitals.
I'm grateful to be alive and well.

*as long as we were both well and I had a straight forward birth I would not have cared.

Sorry to hear your experience bigmmoma
I don't want to deny the hugely positive role that all that preparation in the run up to birth can have, starting from the get go and before
Births, even straightforward ones are all so different, and therefore difficult to plan for, but it does have positive effect on outcomes to be as active in your own birth as possible, even with medical conditions.

for all mums and giving birth!

If it makes you feel better, I had a planned CS just under two weeks ago following a traumatic birth with my first child and it was fine. The first birth I wanted water, no pain relief etc etc etc. I thought I could breathe my baby out like the NCT told me if only I tried hard enough. Ha! I ended up with a three day induction ending after an epidural, episiotomy, several attempts at forceps and a severe shoulder dystocia. But - we were safe.

The planned CS has been an absolute breeze in comparison in terms of the actual procedure and recovery. I'd do it ten times over a rough natural birth again that's for sure (not that I will, I'm done now!)

I planned on a waterbirth in the MLU, and had immersed myself in hypnobirthing, which was amazing.

Ended up with a long labour and EMCS - (my worst nightmare pre-baby) -completely not what I had anticipated, but the hypnobirthing really helped me to feel calm & in control throughout. DH also felt he really knew how to support me, which was great.

The whole experience was still a very positive one - I think key to this is understanding what is happening & why, and being able to feel some control over decisions etc.

My recovery was pretty quick, and have no long term issues or anything. Would be more than happy to do it all again!

I’ve had 3 fairly horrible births, DS1 failed induction followed by high Kiellands forceps, episiotomy, haemorrhage, infections. DS2 failed induction followed by emergency section, haemorrhage, infection. DS3’s was awful, no movement, massively raised baby heart rate, swished into theatre for GA, haemorrhage. Now looking forward to baby number 4 in December . The point is you can have horrible births and it’s still totally worth it.

Everything is relative. A healthy baby and a traumatised mother is not a good birth but it is still a better birth than a traumatised mother and a dead baby. (and I don't believe there is such a thing as a dead baby and a non-traumatised mother)

A better way if looking at it imo would be to say to yourself that a certain type of birth, even if it was far different from what you had originally thought of, doesn't have to result in trauma. Sometimes it's just...ok. And sometimes something that sounded horrible on paper can actually end up being a very joyous experience.

I ended up spending weeks in hospital with both pregnancies and being induced both times. The first time I had a vaginal birth following induction. As far as stress and pain go, probably average, not the orgasmic experience you read of but certainly not unbearable and not bad enough to stress me out about the thought of having another one.

The second time the induction led to an emcs as it became clear after a few hours of labour that ds wasn't coping well and his heartbeat was going down. This could have been a very stressful experience but actually I remember it as a really good day. Everybody was very kind and helpful, I was relaxed, I felt I was in safe hands, I was even cracking jokes with the delivery team as they had me up on the table, I had my baby in my arms very soon and could see that he was ok. It felt joyous.

So you don't know, OP. Just because something sounds bad, it may not be bad.

Given what childbirth actually is I do get confused about the need for a transcendental birthing experience with midwives as spirit guides.

Aim for what you want but accept what you need. Which is a process that keeps you and the baby healthy and alive.

Given what childbirth actually is I do get confused about the need for a transcendental birthing experience with midwives as spirit guides.

Does anyone actually expect this? I don't think one person on this thread has given this impression?

No, it is stretching things a bit quite a lot MichaB

Maybe someone whispered it and we didn't hear, praps one of those spiritual MWs we've all be carping on about

No I wouldn’t be worried at all. Birth often doesn’t go smoothly. Mine was fine but I had to have a catheter for a month after and that really pissed me off. I think I’m pregnancy you can over worry. I was really anxious in pregnancy so understand why you are.

However, your baby arriving safely is all that matters and that should be your only concern

...and in defence of spirit guide MWs, mine was positively transcendental, knowing when I would birth, even the very clever consult gynae reg's at the hospital saaid I wouldn't, not engaged, etceterah.

She would cover the entire country and turn up when women were ready, and because of stress I was under I hadn't even really realised the way she fitted ladies in until long after upon one BF ruminating as you do.

Yes, very woo indeed! Luffs her lots

Either she's the 'woo' or us birthing women were; bodies being very clever and waiting till she was there for them...woo!

2 x emergency sections here. One absolutely horrendous, one amazing but I wouldn't have chosen either in an ideal world.

@smotheroffive sounds amazing... I'm envious! My midwife is terrible and I'm close to refusing to see her again!

Then don't hesitate MichaB honest ly you need the most supportive people around you now, I am fed up with MWs think they are right and an automatic 'fit' with any pregnant woman, they are not and no-one is, and its arrogant to think otherwise. I was lucky, and I totally attribute my safe deliveries to her and her actions, which were subtle but powerful and entrie medical teams were terrifying me with, 'putting your babies at risk', and family, but often lack of real experience is replaced with medics fear, that they'll take control because they don't have any other experience or route of dealing with it.

If you were to labour at home they have to send you the most senior MW in the community, even if you do then have to be transferred and in MW experience is everything, knowing when to transfer, knowing at what point ttroubles are overcomable or not. I was really scared but had utmost faith in her and she didn't let me down and listened and stuck to my birth plan wherever she could. I remember first meeting and her asking whether it would be ok to check out bump! Medics appts you'd just drop your drawz or lift your dress without expecting such respect, its expected. I was treated gently and with respect as every pregnant woman deserves. A real person with feeling at a time of huge transition.

I do think too, that this is hyper-important for you with it being your first, problematic, and your concerns with your psychological distress. I'm sure you been clear with her about that, so she now knows and should up her supportive respectful care of you. There are far better out there and no woman should have to settle with someone they are not 100% comfortable with at this huge and intimate time in their lives as women.

I did get the birth I wanted, in a funny way. I had placenta praevia which was diagnosed at 28w so knew there was no chance of anything other than a c section which would be planned if I was lucky and emergency if I wasn’t. I had two weeks in hospital at the end with some absolutely wonderful and supportive midwives then DS decided to attempt to make his way out under his own steam. So I had a surprisingly calm c section with a bloody wonderful team who got DS out safely and stitched me back up while DS snuggled on my chest (and weed on me) and I only lost a litre of blood and neither of us died. I’m a planner so knowing it was going to be a c section was absolutely fine by me. I had ivf to get pregnant and I really and truly wanted a baby not a birth.

Good luck OP, try not to worry about pnd etc, if it happens you can deal with it. I hope it all goes as well as possible

Yes, but then it was back in 1981. I wanted a full epidural and nothing else no discussion, I had to fight for it and then all the nurses treated me like shit when i finally got one.
How is it ANY of their damned business how I want to give birth.

Madcatlady , agree! None of their business.

Only caveat is that epidurals increase likelihood of probs...but they have no right to make you feel shit, that is truly shit.

I had my heart set on a water birth but ended up induced I think it was for the best because I was able to have an epidural.

I didn't have the birth I planned. It was awful, I tried to stick to my birth plan as long as possible and as the gas and air flowed I became more exhausted and set on that. I was out of it. If I had another I would probably take whatever was offered as it was offered.

Sorry OP should have thought before I posted. Please don't worry what happened woth my first dd was awful but it's very rare for it to happen so late and we were very unlucky .

Ive reported my own post. Whatever birth you have just remember its not the birth thats important but the fact youre going to have A life long relationship woth am extremely special person