Anyone else NOT get the birth they wanted?

[MischaB]

Found out today I may be developing preeclampsia. I've had a complicated pregnancy but have been told throughout I can go to MLU and try a water birth. Had my heart set on it (or at least trying).

Most important thing is if course that baby gets here safe and I would do anything to ensure that happens. It doesn't change my disappointment however regarding childbirth options. For some reason, a smooth birth that I had SOME control over was what I was holding on to and I hoped it would go my way. I felt I deserved it after all the worries and complications we have had.

AIBU to be disappointed that childbirth isn't going to be how I imagined? I'm not naive, I always knew that it could result in a number of ways, I guess I'm just sad and mourning my whole pregnancy as I feel like a lot of precious moments have been stolen by worry.

Did anyone else experience similar?

I’ve had 4 births and every single one was crap , even my elective c section I ended up with bladder issues and taking an allergic reaction to drugs during the anesthetic , I’m a t leave with the fact I’m crap at giving birth and that’s how it is .

At peace with

Tbh I don't really get the whole 'I want this birth' and am baffled about 'deserving' a certain type of birth.

I didn't have much of a birth plan. It was more, see how it goes. I never set my heart on anything because no one can predict childbirth and what will happen. You set you heart on something and it doesn't happen, you end up disappointed. who wants to feel like that after giving birth?

Looking at the people I know, the ones who have strict birth plans are the ones that end up feeling shit after.

I picked hospitals where I trusted the staff. So, at each step, I listened to them. But even then accepted they can't predict everything. With ds, my plug went at 4pm. Waters at 9pm. At 5.30am I hadn't dilated anymore. They gave me pethadine. 40 mins later I had dilated to 8cms and we was trying to make his way down. He was born 10 mins after that.

No one could have predicted it.

First time around I thought I wanted a water birth. Instead they suddenly found my bp had gone far too high so I was immediately induced. After a 6-day failed induction I had an EMCS and that delivery was awesome. So much so that I had an ELCS second time around which I also loved.

Not only do I not feel that I missed out, I now have big issues with the messages society has as a whole about acceptable births and the lack of information about their choices provided for pregnant women.

The mistake I made was the wrong birthing partner. I think I could have reconciled what happened better if I had a birthing partner who would have advocated for me.
I had my ex-husband who quite frankly was a chocolate teapot. I should have asked my Mum who would have advocated properly for me.
So IMO it is not what actually happens, but feeling that there was someone there who advocated for you.
I am a vet very experienced in delivering new lives myself know all the drugs and all the procedures, but I was totally incapable of advocating for myself when in labour.

I wanted a water birth each time.
Dc1 - b2b, too slow, needed drip and epidural.
Dc2 - too fast.
Dc3 - b2b again and very difficult to get out.
No water births for us!

I wanted a water birth but ended up having an induction consultant led care.

To be honest I had a great quick birth with gas and air.

My Ds is 11 now so I rarely ever think about the birth except whennthreads like this come up.

Sorry to hear you may be developing preeclampsia, I did too and although the birth (emcs) wasn't at all what I panned for, it was the only way to stop the preeclampsia from getting worse so had no choice really. The most important thing is that you and baby are safe. Are they inducing you today?

Before falling pregnant I suffered from tokophobia and was convinced that childbirth for me would end badly. Somehow I managed to get over this once pregnant and looked at hypnobirthing, waterbirth etc. Did the NCT thing and was all prepared with meditation CDs, candles etc or a proper natural birth. Once induced I stopped caring about natural birth, all I wanted was for baby to be safe. I asked (begged) for an epidural and gas and would have happily taken any drug they gave me. Not at all what I had planned!

In the end DD was born by EMCS and it really felt like the right thing. The not driving etc didn't bother me at all. If I was to have a second DS I would go for an ELCS all the way.

My DM also had preeclampsia with both pregnancies and managed a natural birth after being induced so EMCS is not always necessary.

Hope you are ok and that you get looked after. Preeclampsia not fun at all but I felt safe in hospital where I was monitored very carefully. Best of luck for a good delivery.

Planned a home water birth but ended up with failed forceps and an emergency c section. However it doesn't bother me as we all came out healthy and I had a lovely midwife at home

Nope. But ds was healthy and so was I physically. Ds Is now 5 and an only child partly because of how I feel about his birth.

Of course people can wish for a certain birth! Women dont get much choice through pregnancy so the labour bit should be something they can plan.

The only thing which trumps that is that your baby is born in the safest way possible and that decision can end up being made for you.

One of mine was breech, so I had no choice but to be booked for a c section.

It bothered me at first, not going to lie! I felt that other mothers who spoke about their water births etc were smug, etc. They weren’t, of course, it was just me projecting my feelings.

As they get older, you care less and less until it’s no longer ever talked about and it makes no difference if he was born in a mediation ceremony in Bali surrounded by monks, or cut out via emergency c section.

I wanted a water birth so much!
Dc1 was laboured in water- but got out to deliver- the water felt like blades against my skin during transition
Dc2 & 3 both born with 2 hours of labour starting so no time for pool just gas & air. I really wanted to lift my babies up onto my chest but in the heat of the moment it never happened with any! I had no plan really, just winging it.
Dc3 was a requested elective c-sec that never materialised. We where told she would be too big to delivey naturally (10lb 10 est) but she came that fast, no c-sec.....and she was only 7 lb. Best of luck to you

I planned a home birth in a birthing pool.

What I had was a seven day (yes, seven) day failed induction ending in an EMCS.

I was upset about it for a while, and couldn’t talk about it without crying, but my mind seemed to process it in the background of looking after my newborn. By a couple of months I was fine about it.

This poem, by Gill Lambert, helped me actually:

I want soft lights and music, perhaps a birthing pool,
I want massages and foot rubs, I want a fan to keep me cool.
I only want one midwife, no drugs just gas and air –
perhaps, if I think I need it, and I’d like my husband there.
I want active, to walk around, between early contractions,
I want a compilation C.D. and as little interaction
as possible. I want tea, toast, organic nuts, a doula and a mentor,
I want a T.E.N.S machine, a hypnotist, my own refrigerator.
I want the baby wrapped up in a blanket of angora,
I want a private room filled with flowers from Interflora.
I want, white noise, whale noise, recorded by Friends of the Earth.
What I really, really want, is a truly natural birth…

I got florescence trial of labour, I got an oxytocin drip,
I got, stay in bed and nil by mouth I got the bip, bip, bip bip, bip,
of a monitor. I got sweaty hair, I got gas and air
and mind-blowing drugs that made me swear,
I got pethidine, and morphine, I got my own anaesthetist
I got panicky, hysterical, I got hot, felt cold, acted pissed.
I got teams of consultants, discussing each contraction,
I got nurses telling me that soon there’d be more action.
I got cannulas, speculums, a doctor with a torch
I got my legs raised, my brow mopped, (yes, really, a torch.)
I got blood taken, meds given, data in plural
and when the pain got really bad, I got an epidural.
I got white lights, bright lights; I got a spinal block,
I got a junior doctor, nervously looking at the clock.
I got surgery and stitches, a scarred bikini line,
a really fit surgeon who told me it’ll all be fine.

And it was fine, it really was,
what they said was true,
I got what I wanted in the end,
what I got was you.

That’s such a great poem

I did all the birth yoga and wanted an active birth. Waters broke at 38ish weeks so was induced, was basically stuck to a bed. IV antibiotics, oxytocin drip etc etc.

Next two by planned section. Bonded straight away, was able to breastfeed straight away.

Honestly, now they are 4 and 2 I very rarely think about their births. People do discuss births at the first baby groups you go to, but no one really asks about that any more, and now they are themselves how they arrived in the world doesn't really feature much anymore.

Am I disappointed that my body is rubbish at childbirth? Yes of course. But it's one day of your child's life, one (or two!) days of your parenting life. They don't remember. Be kind to yourself. You will not be a better parent because you give birth in a more natural way.

Good luck with the birth, I'm sure whatever you decide it will be amazing meeting your child.

Nope, but I got the healthy baby I wanted so got over it.

I think there is too much focus on birth plans, what music you want etc. from NCT and even the NHS which sets you up for disappointment when it doesn't go to plan, which invariably it doesn't. It's good to be informed about what might happen and what you'd prefer e.g what pain relief is available, if you'd use the pool IF it was possible/available, but having too firm an idea of the birth you 'want' is a bad idea IMO. It's a means to an end.

I got everything I didn’t want in both labours. First csection section baby stick and I was cut with forceps.

It does mean everything now to you because the labour and birth is all your taught to prepare for. But actually you need to prepare for the baby itself and what you do when you get home. When that hits you, it won’t really matter what birth experience you have. (IME)

DS1's labour was absolutely not the one I'd hoped for. I'd drawn up a lengthy birth plan, done all my research and 'knew' what I was going to do. He got stuck, went back to back, went into distress and had pretty much every intervention going.

My Mum is a psychotherapist and whilst we've never 'talked' in the way she would with her clients before, after having DS1 she was an incredible source of support to help me look at his labour positively. She reminded me that an intervention-loaded labour isn't a sign of any kind of 'lesser' parent, and that not one person would judge me for it but myself.

DS2 came along 5 years later and I refused to write a birth plan, merely announcing "I'd like us both to survive" to the MW who asked about it. His labour couldn't have been more different and was absolutely perfect. You can never predict any of this, nor can you ever force the perfect labour; it just happens how it happens and you work with it.

Baby number 1 was induction, failed ventouse followed by forceps and even though I had antibiotics during labour I managed to pass GBS on to her. Five day stay in hospital with baby on IV antibiotics. Delivered in theatre just in case section needed. I had a grade 4 tear.

Baby number 2. Induction two weeks early as they could only scan 2.5cm of fluid. Admitted for induction same day my dad was admitted for kidney transplant. Again delivered in theatre just in case. Arrived with ventouse and only a grade 2 tear this time.

Baby number 3. Told at 3 month appt I would have to have section due to previous two births and also offered me sterilisation at the same time! He decided he wanted to come 6 weeks early but docs managed to stop labour. Then my waters went 2 weeks before planned section so no stopping it this time. Even though I was told I needed a section they let me labour with gas and air until I was 10cm dilated asked me if I'd like to try pushing then took me for my section and sterilisation.

So no didn't get any of the births I wanted but my babies were delivered safely eventually. They are now 17 next week, 14 next month and forever 10.

I struggled with it initially. Felt that having a c section had robbed me of a right of passage. Sometimes still a bit sad but then remind myself that 50years ago I'd have probably died in childbirth! On the bright side, my friends who've had 'natiral' births can't go on bouncy castles like me

Yes! Had two babies so definitely got the birth I wanted.

1st time, i was induced and it was hell on earth for 24 hours, when dd was finally born I passed her straight to her dad as wanted nothing to do with her. I was fine once I'd been stitched up though.

2nd nearly went totally to plan, I had to get out the birthing pool at the last minute, and was so easy I could quite happily have done it again hours later and yet I can't remember the moment ds was born and passed to me. Certainly don't remember any "precious" moments.

Just hope for the most pain free and safe birth, everything else it totally overrated.

I developed preeclampsia at the end (3 days before due date) of an utterly boring uneventful pregnancy - ended up spending 3 days in hospital being monitored before they tried induction, and eventually EMCS. The only thing I would fight for if the same happened again would be to skip the attempt at induction and go straight to surgery - the several hours I spent having pointless contractions (I'm convinced DS's head wasn't even engaged) were a painful waste of time and made the whole experience massively more stressful.

I had similar feelings to you OP.
I spent a lot of time practicing hypnobirthing and went to active birth classes. I really wanted a water birth.
I didn't find out I was going to be consultant led till quite late on and then I felt like everything I had prepared for was a waste of time and money. I ended up being induced a week early due to predication of DS size and I became fixated on how terrible it was going to be giving birth to a big baby. I ended up being hooked up to the monitor the entire time on my back which went against everything I'd learnt in active birth. Because I couldn't have a water birth I was a lot more open minded to pain relief! I had an epidural in the end and it was the best thing ever! The most positive part of my birth, the pain disappeared and a feeling of calm set in. I did however end up in theatre with forceps as he just wasn't ready to come. I know the level of intervention spiraled due to induction.
Straight after the birth I did feel in shock about the whole experience, especially as my baby was only 7lb, however the body heals quickly and having a beautiful baby to care for makes the disappointment of things not going the way you hoped fade very quickly.
I'd do it all again, what ever it takes as it's totally worth it. I am intrigued to know what it's like to go into labour naturally at home and wonder how different things would have been if I'd have not been induced. But I'm 8 months down the line now and it's all a distant memory.
Try not to worry and try and make peace with the fact that things aren't going the ideal way. When it's actually happening you'll just be so overwhelmed and grateful to the amazing staff who care for you, and you'll feel incredible that you created a human, no matter how your baby enters the world.