Anyone else NOT get the birth they wanted?

[MischaB]

Found out today I may be developing preeclampsia. I've had a complicated pregnancy but have been told throughout I can go to MLU and try a water birth. Had my heart set on it (or at least trying).

Most important thing is if course that baby gets here safe and I would do anything to ensure that happens. It doesn't change my disappointment however regarding childbirth options. For some reason, a smooth birth that I had SOME control over was what I was holding on to and I hoped it would go my way. I felt I deserved it after all the worries and complications we have had.

AIBU to be disappointed that childbirth isn't going to be how I imagined? I'm not naive, I always knew that it could result in a number of ways, I guess I'm just sad and mourning my whole pregnancy as I feel like a lot of precious moments have been stolen by worry.

Did anyone else experience similar?

Me. Twice. Two inductions. But I now have two gorgeous wee terrors and the difficulty and circumstances of how they got into the world matter much less now than it did at the time. My advice is to focus on the endgame. Better they get here safe and well

I guess it's an in your own time thing, as childbirth and pregnancy can be the worst of distressing and scarey.

I was also taken aback at some posts, especially considering your own circumstances, but you invited comment and I sincerely hoped you were feeling ready to hear it as balance is good in all things, I believe.

You were feeling very frail emotionally and mentally, so the bluntness of response did it I guess.

Those who don't want to hear some of the awful things that can and do happen would have been ill-advised to watch this thread unfold; if you asked people what dreadful things had happened to them as they walked, cycled or drove on our roads, you would gather some horrendous stories, including blame and poor medical response.

Please try not to add to your worries by concerning yourself about a thread that sparked from this one, it doesn't matter and I don't think you need apologise. You will get thro it all better by developing that ability to distance yourself from such things a bit.

Warmest wishes, enjoy all you can of your days of carrying bubba, they arenoverboh so quick!(even if it doesn't feel like it)

It sounds like - I could be wrong - what you're basically asking for without knowing how to ask it is more information on the birth process and options. I'm not surprised you're worried with pre-eclampsia.

Are you near a library? They'll have some current books on the options and terms in pregnancy. You need to have a look through a few really and find one you can get on with. I found one called "Expecting" which is old now but you might be able to get it cheaper online somewhere. Amazon lists it at www.amazon.co.uk/Expecting-Everything-about-Pregnancy-Labour/dp/1844087735?tag=mumsnetforum-21 . More information usually provides options and calms anxieties down.

If you're concerned about the midwife, and it sounds like you have cause, does anyone know if the op can ask for a second and how?

ps I never went to birth classes. No good options for them near me. I didn't need them with that book.

I had the birth I wished for- a calm, drug free water birth. I also ended up with life changing birth injuries which had a huge impact on my physical and emotional health. Be disappointed but also be aware that the best outcome is a healthy baby AND you. The method won't matter down the line.

I wanted a baby, not a birth.

I got the baby I wanted.

@LittleMissedTheSunshine great that you got your baby.

I also find that what I want more than anything in the world is a healthy baby.

I would also like a birth which isn't traumatic, which I am as prepared for as possible, which isn't going to leave me with PND, and which I am fully informed about along the way. Great you 'didn't want a birth' but sadly we don't have a choice in the matter. I find it strange someone would even go in to childbirth without wanting at least something. Wanting a healthy baby doesn't mean you can also WANT a healthy birth...

Or maybe your comment is just a bit flippant.

I wanted a baby not a birth, funny that!

But because magic isn't real and women deserve control of their own birth and babies, it focusses [most] women's mind quite significantly, esp the first, and stats prove that's worth doing, as more in control you feel and have plans, with awareness to current procedures and practices, as well as the experiences of your peers in groups..like NCT...the better your chances.

Following on from another posters point, I didn't think there was quite enough focus on once baby had arrived! Breastfeeding, and so on, but going through all that with my NCT crowd went a long way to helping, but I know that's not everyone's experience. Even within our group, as the lady couldn't get bf established was shook by that, and having to be around us all BF while she bottle fed, we talked about BF and struggles with it, and she struggled with us doing that because she was sad she it hadn't been poss for her. Peer group support is massive.

@LittleMissedTheSunshine As does everyone but that doesn't mean we shouldn't care about how the baby gets here. Obviously I don't know your specific circumstances but I find it hard to believe you wouldn't care how you were treated throughout your birth or what could go wrong as long as you had a baby at the end.
🙄

I agree with the pop who said I wanted a baby, not a birth.
I didn’t get the birth I hoped for, but we both survived and I got my beautiful baby. We wouldn’t have survived years ago in the days before c-sections.
Second baby was planned c section. Doesn’t make me any less of a mum because I had sections.
Good luck with your birth xx

@Norma27 so you wouldn't care what happened to you during birth as long as your baby came out okay? I have a friend who is utterly traumatised by her birth experience. She's still in counselling for PTSD. Birth can be truly awful for some.

Of course I care what happens to me, however, the most important thing was getting a healthy baby out alive.

I didn’t get the birth I hoped for, but we both survived and I got my beautiful baby. We wouldn’t have survived years ago in the days before c-sections.

How depressing that surviving is the benchmark for a successful birth.

Women have been left with PTSD after a difficult birth. I don’t count that as a success for mother or baby.

I’m not going to get into an argument.
I have been put into labour to get a dead baby out. ( late miscarriage so before 24 weeks).Then couldn’t get the placenta out and had people trying to pull it out with their fingers. Then got sent into surgery without a general anaesthetic which I had been told I would have.
That was much more of a horrific birth for me, and I do suffer ptsd from that.

Norma27 I wasn’t trying to argue.

I’ve had to be induced for a very late miscarriage too, it’s horrific and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. I’m sorry you went through that

I just think that in general, women aren’t listened to and supported around childbirth and pregnancy, and we should be.

I think it's said in away that the birth doesn't matter once baby safely delivered, maybe?; the trouble with that is it isn't always the case, as others have posted, they didn't want any more babies as a direct result of a birth, or have never been physically or mentally the same. I've heard medical ballsups that have cost the lives of singletons, twins and mothers! Nothing to do with natural birth but everything to do with medical intervention or refusing to listen to mother and what she's feeling. One woman I know nearly lost her life when she remained in growing pain after the birth and was simply ignored despite her pleas. She nearly haemorrhaged to death right there with all medical staff around, luckily just in time rushed to theatre and given blood transfusion.

This is why plans are imperative, and a third party who knows the plans as whenbyou are in active labour with a medical team in your facing scaring you you absolutely lose control and unnecessary procedures lead to more unnecessary intervention and so on.

It is your birth no matter how much they try to take that away and own it as theirs, or medicalise it. Your birth, your baby to discover sex, kiss, hold first. My cord was attached till it naturally closes; things that, although are all your decisions you sadly may never be asked, as too many think these are their choices, but they simply are NOT, and can affect your bonding and baby's health and yours (many mention pnd).

Of course s healthy baby is a goal. And sometimes birth goes wrong and there’s no time to account for mums feelings etc. BUT that should never be the norm. Too many women suffer significant damage and are dismissed with the idea that as long as they have a healthy baby they should be grateful.

A good birth is one where Mum AND baby are as unharmed as possible, physically and mentally.

I’m four weeksnon from c section 2, OP. My first was planned but essential (life threatening complications) and I also had a brief ‘tgis isn’t what I wanted’ wobble. The second was by choice (VBAC post forty with severe spd? No ta...)

I tried to examine why it upset me and I came to the conclusion that it was because it represented a loss of control. I’d had one idea in my head, a different reality was now playing out and while of course I knew it was medically essential, it still shook me because it made me realise how risky birth can be and how little control I actually had.

Once I’d realised that I felt much better about it. I had major complications in both sections but seeing how efficiently the surgical teams swung into action made me feel better about it.

In your position I think perhaps it’s left you feeling adrift? Would it help to have more info on all the options? I personally would go for a section over forceps for example. Forceps can do a lot of damage - a ventouse is less likely to but still more likely to do damage than a non instrumental birth.

Try to get some sort of IF x THEN y information in place?

Thank you hen. Sorry for your loss too.
What I meant originally was that you may not have the birt you wanted, but hopefully the baby makes up for that. I don’t think a natural birth is the most important thing.

Obviously women do need to be listened to. I wasn’t in my first birth and even though baby could not even get head engaged after 5 hours of pushing I was made to carry on. Eventually having an emergency section when she became too distressed and almost didn’t survive. Luckily even though I did have a bad time I am lucky not to suffer ptsd from that experience. I am relieved that a section did save her.
That is not to say women go through terrible experiences and do suffer afterwards which is terrible.

What I meant originally was that you may not have the birt you wanted, but hopefully the baby makes up for that. I don’t think a natural birth is the most important thing

I completely agree with this.

Thanks Norma

I think that not listening to women in labour is a huge issue.

Yea miserable mean midwives ruined it. Baby was just perfect though, next time I'm having a home Britt

I had significant medical problems, I went blind in one eye at 36w (temporary) and truly truly didn't give a shiny shit how the baby got out so long as she and I were ok.

I understand this is not the case for everyone though. But I was asked for further explanation by the OP.

Just thought it may be worth mentioning that for some women, the actual how it gets out bit isn't actually that important.

In the end fear changes everything, and birthing is far more fearful than it should be for many
Glad you both well *sunshine

with dc1 I had a water birth and it was a lovely experience.
wanted the same when I had dc2, was really set on it then found out I'm GBS+ so wasn't allowed a water birth

I wanted a calm drug free water birth. I totally believed that my body knew what to do and nature should be allowed to take its course.

Well if nature had taken its course both my baby and I would be dead. He was huge and badly positioned. Even diamorphine didn’t take the edge off the pain, it was so severe. I ended up having EMCS.

By that point I was in so much pain I’d have signed whatever they told me to, even if it was a deal with the devil instead of a surgery consent form. I didn’t care any more, I just wanted it to be over. From the second the epidural went in, I was calm and in control, and everything was peaceful. I felt safe and supported, I had a lovely surgeon and no fear or stress whatsoever. I’m usually a worry wart who has panic attacks, but I lay there perfectly happily while they mashed my guts around and stitched me up. Maybe the diamorphine had done something after all - I’ve never been so relaxed.

I was offered therapy afterwards to deal with how my birth had gone wrong. I didn’t need it. Imo I’m in better physical condition now than I’d have been if I had a natural birth.

Emcs save lives, no-one doubts that and so glad to hear such good outcome