Anyone else NOT get the birth they wanted?

[MischaB]

Found out today I may be developing preeclampsia. I've had a complicated pregnancy but have been told throughout I can go to MLU and try a water birth. Had my heart set on it (or at least trying).

Most important thing is if course that baby gets here safe and I would do anything to ensure that happens. It doesn't change my disappointment however regarding childbirth options. For some reason, a smooth birth that I had SOME control over was what I was holding on to and I hoped it would go my way. I felt I deserved it after all the worries and complications we have had.

AIBU to be disappointed that childbirth isn't going to be how I imagined? I'm not naive, I always knew that it could result in a number of ways, I guess I'm just sad and mourning my whole pregnancy as I feel like a lot of precious moments have been stolen by worry.

Did anyone else experience similar?

I didn’t get the birth I wanted because I had a third degree tear that I still get effects from 6 years later. It ain’t pretty. But I’ve always considered myself lucky to have had that as a close friend lost her baby during labour.

I say this not to frighten people but because we often approach birth like we deserve this or that experience when it’s all random and out of our control.

I think the problem stems from being encouraged to choose your ideal birth and create birth plans etc.
First timers will invariably end up disappointed because giving birth isn't really an experience to savour and enjoy.

3 babies. 3 times my waters have been broken for me, 3 inductions and 3 times I’ve ended up on a drip on my back.

Not what I wanted but now I’m not bothered because it got my babies out safely and was what I needed at the time.

I remember the disappointment, especially on my last birth as I don’t think we will have any more. But I rarely think about it now.

Good luck with the birth and enjoy your new baby.

So saddened to hear your news, but it wasn't really what OP was looking for or needed.

I am so surprised at high rate emcs! And also that MWs opinions interfere, when its your birth and more you look forward to your birth and having control of that the better the outcome rates.

More intervention does often lead to more intervention, and I did have amazing birthing experience with a MW who stayed in the background and facilitated me to just do it myself. Didn't tell me what sex my baby was, we discovered that after a while we realised we didn't know yet. Baby wasn't taken away at all. I picked up and held and kissed, will never forget it, very precious.
I get why your own birth should be your aim and that it is very upsetting to have that taken from you, especially if medical intervention has to happen.

But it is your birth. I've heard of MWs telling women to stop making such a noise, or keep it down! Just no! Your delivery and i truly hope its what you want, but if it isn't or cant be that it's safe and you get your babe in your arms

Preeclampsia and breech position. They tried turning her, lil sod turned herself back. Also set off my contractions.
Emergency c section at 3:30am on longest day if my life. Then I almost died cos turned out I had a massive infection somewhere and my organs started going into shutdown.
Was in and out, woke up to three (good looking) surgeons sewing an IV into my neck!
(Oddly all I could think was that my hair really needed washing)

Intensive care for 5 days.

Never doing that again!!!

My 3rd was an EmCS which was physically hard to recover from. I felt like It had been botched for a long time . I chose a csection for my 4th. A week before I was on the border for preeclampsia. Then my vision went super weird at home a few days before my date, I went in that day and had DC4 by CS. It was emotional as the last time I’d been in was for DC3 which didn’t go well at all. However the surgery was much calmer and my Ob took her time and my recovery was amazing. The worry and fear left as soon as I heard my baby crying and laid eyes on her. It didn’t take anything away from her birth and I was pleased at how calm it all was in the end.

Focus on the end goal rather than how you got there

I fought all the way through to get the water birth that I wanted. I was positive for strep b so they ruled it out. I changed hosps and health boards to one that would let me. When I was in labour I was in the pool for 5 mins before deciding that I hated it and wanted to get out. It was totally about the control and feeling listened too for me so I didn’t mind at all. 7 months on and I can barely remember the labour, my pregnancy was so focussed on it with hardly any preparation for life after it! I wish I had spent more time learning about breastfeeding as that’s the bit that I dwell on now instead!

Neither of my births went to the original plan, I had a vaginal and a section. The natural birth horrible and the section was a doddle. Can't say I enjoyed either but the truth is once the babies were out it was SO unimportant. The birth is just one tiny element of the parenthood journey and I personally see it as a pit-stop, I never had any particular hopes pinned on it (except that it wouldn't hurt! ). I think those who have a 'good' birth are lucky, and the average person probably has a pretty hard time, some more so than others.

After all that ramble I guess I'm saying - the likelihood is that it won't go exactly to 'plan', but whatever type of birth you have it'll be an experience unlike any other. Focus on the finish line!

Omg! I really think OP needs some balance here, I have heard so many awesome first time birth stories. Out of the 7 us doing it first time (NCT) one was in and out in the night, water birth, back home in morning took her own MW in with her. I birthed naturally breach at home, one had ceasarean as baby went OD by more than 2 weeks so planned cs, another laboured mainly at home transferred for delivery, has probs setting up BF (as did I bt wrked out in the end, hers didn't she bottle fes and was v upset and disappointed bout that), another pretty much same,mostly home, can't remember how many am up to now. We all did birth plans, all MWs supported andstuck to as much as poss. I was asked whether I wanted the jab to deliver placenta which I hadn't wanted in plan but agree to just to deliver after-birth, no biggey and asked if wanting stitches, as large 2nd degree tear due to breach deliver manuovre. Refused stitches given herbal bath recipe and I completely healed very well and completely up and walking don't remember any pain with it.

Although thought everything would fall out when I did first poo after!!! Tmi, sorry, but think everyone worries about that one don't they?

36hr back to back labour, failed epidural then emcs. Not really in the birth plan but DD and I both survived thanks to the registrar. Was told that without modern medicine we would both have died so frankly I don't give a shit, I'm just grateful.

I had booked a homebirth and was planning a nice calm hypnobirth in a pool in my front room. I had a chunky baby who was back to back and 21 hours after my contractions started decided I could no longer cope and transferred into hospital. I ended up having lots of pain relief, syntocinon and an EMCS.

I feel incredibly fortunate in that I felt in control the whole way through the process and I was able to make the best choices for me and DS all the way thorough. It was me who suggested the transfer in, me who asked for pain relief, and I know that we did everything we could have done to try to get him to come out vaginally - it just wasn’t going to happen for us. I remembered to advocate for my baby and we got our delayed cord clamping and immediate skin to skin in theatre.

I do actually think the hypnobirthing techniques were very helpful to me at various stages and I certainly don’t regret making a plan for my ‘ideal birth’. Things change, it’s just about making the most of it.

I think the problem stems from being encouraged to choose your ideal birth and create birth plans etc.

I agree with this. I also think that what seems to be the new normal of baby showers, and knowing the baby's sex before it's born and sharing that in a very public way, create or enforce an expectation that childbirth is risk-free or that everything will go to plan. The reality is that things can go wrong, sometimes tragically so.

Maybe it sounds very doom-laden, but when I was pregnant - 17 years ago now - I was very aware that not all pregnancies are straightforward or end well. The phrase, "there's many a slip twixt cup and lip" was one that was always in my mind. I had a birth plan, because I was encouraged told to make one, but my included a statement that at all times I would take advice of medical staff and change it if need be.

My DS was born after I was induced at 36 weeks. He was low birth weight, tube-fed and was in an incubator in the Special Care Baby Unit (SCBU) for the first 4 weeks of his life. The rooms in the SCBU had windows on one side, onto a corridor. One day I was there with my son and I looked up and saw a small group of ante-natal parents there on their tour of the maternity unit. I recognised the look on their faces , all thinking, please don't let my baby end up in here. I recognised that look because only a few weeks earlier I'd been on their side of the window, thinking the same thing. And I wanted to say to them, actually, it's not so bad. It is what it is. I have my baby, I live my life now 15 minutes at a time, and that's fine.

Maybe two or three times in the 16 years of my son's life, I've been reminded that I didn't have that last month of pregnancy, and that I didn't take him home within a couple of days. If I'd had that last month of pregnancy, I wouldn't have been able to take my baby home at all.

You do what is right for the baby. And what seems somehow wrong and scary now, will become your normal and that will be fine.

I gave birth last week to my third and final baby. I'd hoped for a calm waterbirth with minimal input from the midwives. But ended up being induced, having an epidural and then needing vontuesse.

But it was a great experience. I was listened to by the staff, kept safe and the whole experience had the calmness I was hoping a waterbirth would give me. I keep thinking how I'd love to rewind time and do it all over again. It doesn't have to go to plan to be a really positive experience, so don't be disheartened.

I didn't have much of a birth plan as I tried to keep reminding myself that it was largely beyond my control, but I did hope for a waterbirth on the MLU and immediate skin to skin.

Instead I went into labour very suddenly at 32 weeks and spent 3 days in a windowless room on central delivery suite, and my baby was taken straight to NICU before I saw him. If I'd been told in advance that I couldn't have the MLU etc I would probably have been very disappointed, but actually when it came to it, it didn't matter at all. I felt really safe and cared for in that windowless room and now have quite fond memories of it!

Not getting skin to skin or seeing my baby felt much harder to accept at the time and I did spent the first 24 hours in a state if shock. But the NICU staff were so very wonderful and really helped us bond, even though it was 5 weeks before he could come home. I spent those 5 weeks sitting next to his cot with him down my top and probably ended up doing more skin to skin than we would have at home!

He's 6 months now and we have an amazing bond, and those weeks just seem like a bit of a blur in comparison to all the time we've had together since.

I understand feeling disappointed as I'm sure I would have too had I known in advance, but it really didn't matter. I'd happily give birth in the central delivery suite again if I have another, and don't intend to have a birth plan at all next time!

I wanted a birth where my baby came out pink and squealing and I was ok, because in the end, that is what really matters
Ok, it took a very very long time and ended with me out of it, and a forceps delivery but I can honestly say, it just didn’t matter by the time I woke up.
There are too many things that can go seriously wrong to get hung up on the detail. The best outcome is where both mum & baby go home fit & healthy.
Good luck & congratulations

I think it’s ok to be disappointed by not having the birth you envisage but I agree there is a weird pressure now to have the “perfect experience”. I would love to go into labour naturally & have a water birth but don’t think it will happen.

DC1 was a positive induction story (I scoured the internet for these) Tried everything to get baby out at 40 weeks (pineapple, hot nando’s, etc) but had to be induced due to placenta issue. Had the pessary put in & 12 hours later went into labour. It was bloody painful as baby was back to back & pain relief came a little late as active labour was only 1.5 hours. But baby turned for delivery, no epidural or instruments & only a couple of stitches. Felt fine straight after, just a little muscle soreness.

DC2 was a CS (a few medical issues), weirdly I felt cheated as I kind of was looking forward to the birth as I knew what to expect. Tried an induction but consultant & I decided against the drip/breaking my waters. It was the right decision for baby though as he wasn’t ready (they used a ventouse, as he was so far up). I had a good CS recovery & no issues bf although I would much prefer a VB as the pain a few days after CS was bad & I don’t really like the idea of the scar/being cut open. However the most important thing to focus on is what’s right for baby.

If anyone is having a CS take peppermint tea/water to reduce trapped wind & I also took arnica.

I, like you, really really wanted a water birth in a MLU. I had meconuim in my waters and had to go to the labour ward and be monitored etc. I cried with disappointment.
Turned out my room on the labour ward was basically the same as the MLU- with all the birth balls and even a birth pool. I insisted on wireless monitoring (lying down through my contractions felt impossible) and moved around freely. The only difference from the MLU is that there were some doctors in corridor/adjoining rooms if I needed them. I stuck with gas and air and ended up not needing any help outside of my midwife. I really wouldn’t get too upset about not being in the MLU. I don’t think you have said if you have to have a CS. If that isn’t the case then you might still get the vaginal birth you want on te labour wars. Ask if any of the rooms have birth pools- they should.

The only difference is the postnatal ward. Where I was, if you were on MLU you got to stay in your private room. I was transferred to a busy and very hot ward.
That was the only difference.

My best friend laboured for hours
And hours in a birth pool to then end up with a EMCS at the last second. There really are no guarantees.

I haven’t thought much about my birth after. I have my baby here and we quickly moved on to thinking about breastfeeding etc..
the only thing that makes me think about it are my related injuries. I am in the recovery process. Stitches healed very easily from a second degree tear, but bruising taking a
Lot longer.
Next time I will not care about whether I birth vaginally or not. aside from obviously wanting a healthy baby I just want the least injury to my body - and CS is sometimes the best for that:
Stay flexible is my only advice. Although I totally sympathise with your natural feelings..

Oh and yes to arnica as PP mentions!

Just posted on the other thread before I saw this. I’m about to face induction this morning after PROM and I’m so disappointed as the one thing I wanted to avoid was induction, I don’t want an epidural or assisted delivery. Had PROM last time and my dd was born (back to back) within 36 hours, pretty straight forward, so I thought I’d follow this time. I actually though I could guarantee an easier 2nd birth, as baby is in better position and it’s meant to be quicker but all I’ve heard about induction is horror!

Nutkins24 I was another who assumed 2nd time would be more straight forward! Just wanted to say I had a positive induction experience (which seemed rare when I googled) with DC1.

I had pre eclampsia bordering HELLP syndrome with my twins and had them via emergency c section under general anaesthetic. They were straight into neonatal and me high dependency. I saw my one twin over 24 hours later and the other 46 hours, it was then even longer before I could hold them.

Non of that has affected the bond I have with them. They are 3 now and I regularly think how much pressure is put on the 'perfect' birth and the moments following it, yet nothing could make me closer or love my children more. Having a traumatic birth isn't what we want, but it doesn't have to affecting bonding with your baby xx

linkylink thankyou! You’ve given me hope!

Nutkins24 Who knows if it helped but after the pessary I went for a long walk & bounced on one of those balls. Good luck!

I got the birth I got. I didn’t want excessive pain and the epidural took care of that and that was the beginning and end of my birthing plan.

Actually my Ex not being particularly useful which forced me into being in more control than I would have liked. Which worked out in the end and instilled a self sufficiency that made single parenting not a scary or unwanted proposition.

The idea that you are ‘entitled’ to a particular birth is bonkers. I can understand the disappointment but letting it colour your pregnancy is a choice.

I had a four day labour, had to be transferred from the standalone MLU to hospital and had a shouty midwife instead of the lovely water birth I’d hoped for.

It was fine though. I was very prepared (by MN!) that I might not get the birth that I preferred, but having not written a birth plan etc I found it very easy to just go with the flow.

For me, birth is just a means to an end rather than an experience on its own.