Friend lied to us about health condition, AIBU to feel hurt?

[ALittleCheruby]

I've known this friend for a few years now. She's always been on and off ill, I thought because her condition fluctuates.

As a group, we've always been very understanding and accepting. We've always thought nothing of it when she couldn't come out for a girl's night or a trip with the kids, cancelling last minute. No problem. She's in pain.

But today we found out she suffers from something called Fibromyalgia and not Rheumatoid Arthritis like she told us.

She let slip today in conversation. We were surprised and she confessed that she hasn't told us the truth, and felt like she would be judged or thought to have an 'imaginary' condition if the real illness was uncovered.

She said we are a fabulous group of friends and she just couldn't face owning up and telling the truth.

AIBU to feel a little hurt? Perhaps wonder what else she could lie about?

I really dislike dishonesty. It's a mix crowd with other friends in the group. One thinks she had a damn good reason to lie, and thinks she obviously felt we'd see her in a negative light. The other is fuming and says it's disgusting she's lied.

What would you do?

I would do nothing apart from carry on as before. I can see why she might not be truthful.

Fibro is frequently dismissed so I don't blame her. Her symptoms haven't changed, they just have a different name.

I’d carry on as normal - your poor friend has obviously had a lifetime of being judged for her illness (and she IS ill so hasn’t been lying about that) and now her so called friends are being mean when she dares open up

Well I’m not condoning the lying but Fibromyalgia is pretty misunderstood whereas most people know what arthritis is and accept that it comes and goes.

And when I say misunderstood I mean dismissed or downplayed.

I don't really see why it matters. She hasn't lied about her health or her symptoms she just called it something else. It's sad she feels such a debilitating illness might not be believed. I think your friend who's fuming and calling the poor woman disgusting is far worse

I can't see why anyone is giving it a second thought tbh

Maybe she just didn’t feel like explaining it at the time and went for the simpler explanation? From what I know of people with fibromyalgia, it’s bloody painful, so perhaps be kind to her if you can?

As a group, we've always been very understanding and accepting. We've always thought nothing of it when she couldn't come out for a girl's night or a trip with the kids, cancelling last minute. No problem. She's in pain.

That hasn’t changed though? Fibromyalgia is often derided and treated as a made up condition (it isn’t, at all, it can be horribly debilitating and disabling) and she was probably scared.

The name has changed, nothing else has.

If you’re as accepting as you say, prove it and be a friend.

It’s not great that she lied but fibro is a condition that a lot of people either don’t believe in or are sceptical of, so I can sort of see why she has.

I see, I didn't think it would be downplayed as before googling, I ha no idea what it was!

It isn't downplayed by medical professionals though is it? She has a wheelchair for occasional use and her car is from a disability scheme I believe

I know the wheelchair was definitely given by NHS

I think the fact that she has now told you her condition reveals that she is an honest person. She probably hated lying but will, no doubt, have had many instances of being eye rolled and misunderstood by people who think ( bit like ME) that it’s a made up condition.

You should feel honoured that she has trusted you enough to be completely open and hopefully you will continue to support her as you have all along.

It’s a horrid condition.

You claim you are accepting but then judge her.

It is often downplayed by professionals, many people have struggled to even get a dx! A friend of mine spent 10 years begging for help and being dismissed by doctor after doctor before she was finally diagnosed!

I honestly don’t understand why this is a big issue.

I totally see why she did it. It hurt noone and came from a. Place of trying to protect her self. She might have needed time to come to terms with it herself as many people don't believe it is a real condition.

Be kind, nothing has changed.

Fibromyalgia is bloody awful when it flares up, but it is often downplayed/misunderstood and outright denied it even exists. If your friend had treatable cancer, but lied, would that change things? I doubt it. You’d feel bad for her that she had to lie. Being angry about it just demonstrates that her lying about it was a reasonable judgment call on her part that her friends wouldn’t understand! Give her some sympathy and get over yourselves.

I think being angry with her about this is very unreasonable tbh. I'd suggest reading about both how painful fibromyalgia is and how misunderstood it is, to the point people don't even accept it's real nevermind understand how painful it can be. Please try to imagine how scared she must have been to lie and instead of being angry at her show some understanding as to why she might have and give her some support instead.

Poor woman. She's obviously in pain. It's not her fault not much is no about what causes her condition. So not only has she a painful debilitating condition she feels enough shame to lie about it just because this condition is not well understood.

It isn't downplayed by medical professionals though is it? She has a wheelchair for occasional use and her car is from a disability scheme I believe

There’s a nasty whiff of judgement about that statement. None of it is your business, and scrutinising it makes me profoundly uncomfortable. She shouldn’t have to justify herself to you or anyone else.

I know the wheelchair was definitely given by NHS

And what? If it wasn’t she’s lying?

Fibromyalgia is an illness that is misunderstood by a lot of people but it can be serious and very painful. I know two people with the condition and it is not pleasant. Please don't punish your friend. She hasn't made it up, she isn't lying, she probably just didn't want to have to explain herself time and time again.

she might well have been told rheumatoid arthritis at some stage. She might well have hoped it was, as it is a clear cut disease with straight forward treatment and well recognised.

i think you should tell you understand why she lied, although you were a bit taken aback when you first heard it, and then reassure her of your ongoing support

Pain is pain. Does it really matter if it’s fibro or RA? I have family members with each of these and they are both shitty

I can't see what you're angry about. You've said yourself you'd no idea what the condition was until you googled; and as others have pointed out, fibromyalgia is frequently downplayed and dismissed even by some medical professionals. She doesn't need your understanding and support any less, she's not in any less pain than she claimed. Sharing your personal 'label' with others can be difficult, shameful and isolating. You're her friend. Try to understand her.

To be honest I can kind of see where she's coming from. I have fibromyalgia and am a health professional- I'm very private about it especially since I have seen others I work with roll their eyes and make sneering comments about those who are vocal about such conditions that are invisible like fibromyalgia but more understanding about conditions like arthritis etc.

For example, there are days when I feel like my legs are on fire and are being stabbed. I often can't hold things properly due to the pain in my joints in my thumbs and knuckles but I look ok.

I actually got diagnosed by a rheumatologist,maybe she did too?

Remember as well she probably said it was RA when she first met you all, as that’s an “easier illness for new acquaintances to understand.

I’ve often minimised/mis-described my medical issues when meeting people (partly because I am bored myself of the lengthy explanation!). I can do this without outright lying, and gradually disclose more if I get closer to them, but that approach isn’t possible with every condition.

So once she’d said it was RA, she may have felt stuck with it or not know how to come clean.

Try to be empathic, and explain to your angry friend how this might have happened.

YABU. What does it matter?! She still had pain, she just said a white lie because she knew people can be shitty about fibro.
Stop making it about you. Your poor friend has not been malicious.