Friend lied to us about health condition, AIBU to feel hurt?

[ALittleCheruby]

I've known this friend for a few years now. She's always been on and off ill, I thought because her condition fluctuates.

As a group, we've always been very understanding and accepting. We've always thought nothing of it when she couldn't come out for a girl's night or a trip with the kids, cancelling last minute. No problem. She's in pain.

But today we found out she suffers from something called Fibromyalgia and not Rheumatoid Arthritis like she told us.

She let slip today in conversation. We were surprised and she confessed that she hasn't told us the truth, and felt like she would be judged or thought to have an 'imaginary' condition if the real illness was uncovered.

She said we are a fabulous group of friends and she just couldn't face owning up and telling the truth.

AIBU to feel a little hurt? Perhaps wonder what else she could lie about?

I really dislike dishonesty. It's a mix crowd with other friends in the group. One thinks she had a damn good reason to lie, and thinks she obviously felt we'd see her in a negative light. The other is fuming and says it's disgusting she's lied.

What would you do?

Women especially often have their pain dismissed. Btdt. I completely understand why she wouldn’t declare a frequently disparaged diagnosis like fibromyalgia.

Would you all be fuming if she had got multiple sclerosis instead of rheumatoid arthritis, and that she had replaced the labels?
What about Osteoperosis?
The fact here is that she is probably terrified that people will judge her for having DLA and a disability car for a 'made up' condition.
That's what you all think now isn't it?
I can get why she lied.

I’m glad you are going to apologise OP.

I’m pretty appalled that any group who would call themselves “friends” would be nasty to someone just because they kept the details of their illness private.

You aren’t entitled to know all your friends’ medical details. Ever.

If they choose to share that’s fine. If they obfuscate a little in order to protect their privacy that’s fine.

She didn’t lie about being ill.

Give your behaviour it looks like she was quite right that you would judge her real diagnosis.

I really think your group should feel
pretty ashamed of themselves.

I’m glad you are apologising OP I hope she accepts it, I’m not sure I would.

Everyone still going off at OP, read the update, she has recognised she was BU and has messaged her friend to apologise if she made her feel bad and to invite her for lunch tomorrow, it seems she was a bit taken aback and not knowing about fibro couldn't understand why someone would lie, she's listened to what PPs here have said, now understands the action her friend took and is doing her best to make amends. What more do you want?

I got told from my gp it was RA but the hospital diagnosed me with fibromyalgia instead. I dont see what harm she has done to make you feel hurt tbh its not as if she has done something serious Fibromyalgia is mistaken for a few things along with RA.

Am I going to be the first person to mention Kirsty Young? She has temporarily given up a well paid, wonderful job because of fibro in the hopes she can get it back under control. You don't do that because you're inventing the pain or "fibro fog" and the lack of sleep.

So glad you are turning it around and are reaching out to her.

I have psoriatic arthritis- no one knows what that is so I just say I have rheumatoid as people have heard of that. Fibre & RA, PA are all very similar symptoms wise. I should imagine she did a similar thing to me. Glad you’ve reached out to her.

Yes she was probably told RA then the diagnosis changed and she felt she couldn’t bring it up. Her condition is really challenging and from the same family as RA.
Poor poor thing that she felt she couldn’t say. This is NOT dishonesty at all. She deserves your unreserved kindness

YABU. Her health condition is her business not yours. All you need to know is whether she's well to meet up etc or not.

I get that you're rethinking your response, OP, and have contacted your friend, but, quite apart from the fact that fibro is so misunderstood which more than explains her decision to say what she did I'm a bit baffled by a group of friends thinking they are owed the exact ins and outs of a diagnosis.

Giving full disclosure of your medical condition isn't the price of friendship, and I find it very strange that at least two people in the group seem to feel weirdly betrayed by the fact that your ill friend didn't spill all. Do you all live in one another's pockets, sharing details of your Bartolin's cysts, prolapses and husbands' erectile dysfunction,or something?

I could understand feeling betrayed if she'd pretended to be ill when she wasn't, but all she's done is said she had a closely-related, less-misunderstood condition...

She didn't really lie did she, a lot of people have never heard of fibromyalgia or if they do they think it's just someone being lazy, you can have both, neither are nice, fibromyalgia can be really painful. I think your group owe her an apology, to think it's disgusting because she lied and now questioning her whole integrity is a pretty shit way to treat a friend who is obviously in pain.

@HPFA That does seem like a migraine, even if it's a short one and you can cope relatively well. There are diferent types of migraines so people can have diferent presentations of it.

There is very often a crossover with rheumatological/autoimmune conditions anyway. It is unusual to have just one and frequently they are viewed as a spectrum of disease. All that matters is that this poor woman is very unwell and in pain. She also has reduced mobility and no doubt struggles all the time.
She needs support and understanding, not judgement.

I have a health condition which is often dismissed (including sometimes in Mumsnet threads and by some doctors). There is something else I could pretend it is and get a lot more sympathy. I don't but I can fully understand why this woman has pretended to have a more 'acceptable' health condition.

I work in welfare rights. If you were to go to a tribunal as you did not benefits and wanted to appeal, you may come across doctors on the panel who do not believe that condition exists. There are at least 2 doctors in my local area panel with this opinion. Massively misunderstood condition.

Like others have said, I have a friend with fibromyalgia, who has been struggling with a diagnosis for a couple of years, at one point she was told it could be rheumatoid arthritis.

I worked with a lovely lady who had fibromyalgia. It is a horrible disease.
I watched her get more and more ill over a period of a few years. She died very prematurely from it. So sad. The medication she took had awful side effects.

Your post may come from a place of ignorance rather than malice, OP, but it's absolutely textbook in terms of your dismissive attitude towards a condition (whatever its fucking name) that ruins lives. My DH suffers from it/chronic pain/who the fuck knows and I had plenty of friends in the early days who thought he was just making it up. They're not my friends any more.

Get the fuck over your hurt feelings. Educate yourself. Be a friend.

Hi OP there was a thread about this yesterday I think it was 'do you believe ME / CFS exists' these are similar conditions to fibromyalgia. There were lots of people saying they believe they existed but these were generally fellow sufferers or people very close to a person with a diagnosis.

There were lots of people saying either they know people who make it up to get out of work etc as it's not got a specific test so is easy to fake apparently. And people saying the usual and outdated it's a mental illness causing physical symptoms. Including people in health care.

There were stories about people's struggles to get diagnosed as some hcp's are clued up and some secretly think patients are pretending and are horrible and patronising to them. There were stories about how people's friends have dropped them due to not understanding why they were cancelling often. Lots of people had received unwanted advice such as 'I get tired as well, just go to the gym and you'll feel better' or to take antidepressants etc. Lots of people had had awful times at work with employers expecting them to just go to bed earlier or take more painkillers or just get on with it etc

Basically not everyone believes in it and there are more questions than answers leaving sufferers isolated and depressed and feeling like they should hide their illness due to the majority of responses being negative

I used to tell people I had CFS now I would be very wary as people have admitted to me they think it is just an undiagnosed mental health issue or me trying to get out of stuff. I just concentrate on the symptoms instead so it gives me a lot of migraines so I'll say I have issues with migraine which people are a lot more understanding of and less judgemental. Even my very best friends have struggled to understand when I've had to cancel things and this just adds to the feeling of guilt and being useless.

She has probably picked arthritis as the pain may to similar to what she experiences so similar symptoms hbut different cause. Because she feels helpless and is worried about everyone's reactions and suggestions and judgement.

You sound understanding and it's great that you've looked into it etc but please be aware the majority of people aren't so great and this will have influenced her. Please don't treat her any differently due to this!

Fibro and Arthritis seem to be the physical equivalent of bpd and bipolar.
The former seen as a value judgement of the sufferer, the latter a recognised and respected condition.
Both cause very similar problems.

I have fibromyalgia, it’s massively understood and so many people think it’s fake and give endless crappy advice about what I should do to feel better. I can understand why she’d tell you it was RA

inthetropics Thank you. I went for years refusing to say "migraine" because I felt I was claiming too much (like manflu!). I now tend to say "I have migraines but luckily they're not very severe" which seems to work.

It's pretty much the same thing.

My friend has it, she describes fibro as arthritis with crippling, brain numbing exhaustion on top. It's ruined her life. 🤷‍♀️

I have a chronic illness. I don’t generally tell people I have a health condition as it’s the type of illness that people can be very judgemental about. I already have to deal with my health problems, I don’t want to have to deal with people being difficult or judgemental about it too. In my case, I also feel that it can be very upsetting for people to know, so I haven’t even told my parents. I think they would also be very upset if they knew I had kept this from them, but I am trying to protect them. I love my parents, the fact that I keep this from them isn’t a reflection on them and it doesn’t mean I love them any less.