Friend lied to us about health condition, AIBU to feel hurt?

[ALittleCheruby]

I've known this friend for a few years now. She's always been on and off ill, I thought because her condition fluctuates.

As a group, we've always been very understanding and accepting. We've always thought nothing of it when she couldn't come out for a girl's night or a trip with the kids, cancelling last minute. No problem. She's in pain.

But today we found out she suffers from something called Fibromyalgia and not Rheumatoid Arthritis like she told us.

She let slip today in conversation. We were surprised and she confessed that she hasn't told us the truth, and felt like she would be judged or thought to have an 'imaginary' condition if the real illness was uncovered.

She said we are a fabulous group of friends and she just couldn't face owning up and telling the truth.

AIBU to feel a little hurt? Perhaps wonder what else she could lie about?

I really dislike dishonesty. It's a mix crowd with other friends in the group. One thinks she had a damn good reason to lie, and thinks she obviously felt we'd see her in a negative light. The other is fuming and says it's disgusting she's lied.

What would you do?

Fibromyalgia is painful, debilitating and incurable. She certainly wasn't faking that part. It is also largely invisible and misunderstood. I don't blame her to be honest.

This thread has made me feel like the unreasonable one, thank you for that

It's not about me, I know. Nothing has changed. She's still in pain. I'm messaging to offer lunch at my house tomorrow and an apology for if I made her feel shit

I’m glad you’re messaging her OP, she deserves to be supported by her friends. If your angry friend can’t do that, she needs to leave her alone.

I have probably lied to most of my friends and family about where I work because its a very specific job that is very similar to another very well know organisation that does very similar work. If I say I work for the well known organisation then people immediately understand the kind of work I do, the demands of that role and the pressures I am under doing this job. If I said the actual organisation I work for, I need to spend an hour explaining what it is... It's just easier and it's not a lie that comes from a bad place or a desire to deceive.

Your friend never intended to deceive you, it is just easier for her to choose a condition that you will all have an idea about her issues and daily struggles without having to deal with prejudices or misconceptions. And maybe she doesn't want to spend her time having to justify or explain what fibro is for her? Maybe that's too hard for her to deal with? Maybe she lied to save her own sanity?

I think when you have walked a mile in her shoes you can feel hurt by her motives. It certainly does not make her some kind of Walter Mitty with a string of lies in her wake.

In short, yes you are BU

What everyone else has said. Nothing has actually changed here. Simply a different word to attach her illness to.

Sometimes it's easier to label an illness with one that's more recognised. I have a rare condition that shares many symptoms with MS. Rather than name the condition and have to deal with all the 'oh what's that?' 'What does that do?' type questions, it is just easier to say 'like ms'. Most people have a basic understanding of MS and it stops many of the questions. It's not to try and deceive people but it's mentally very hard to have to explain an illness to people. Especially if the illness isn't visible and fluctuating in its nature, like Fibro.

Fibromyalgia can be every bit as debilitating as RA but it’s often dismissed as all in the sufferers head even by some medical professionals. I can understand her reluctance to give the real illness especially if she was diagnosed a long time ago when people weren’t listened too like they are now. She is still just as ill, she hasn’t lied about that just the name of the illness. She still deserves the same compassion you showed her before.

You need to gen up on what it is and how it affects people OP, you won't be as cross then.

She hasn't lied about being ill, she just didn't tell you what it was called to avoid exactly what you're doing now.

And yes. People can be hideously dismissive of fibro. Because they don’t understand it or don’t know what it is. So I don’t blame her in the slightest.

Oh cross post! I'm glad you are reaching out to her. Hopefully you and your other friend can be a voice of reason to the other group member and help her to understand too.

There was a thread on here the other day dissing fibro so i can understand why she didn't say she has it

Fibro is my field and I deeply understand the causes & awfulness of it. Your friend would have been feeling deep shame to need to disguise it as RA. Some real gentle understanding is needed. The pain can be excruciating & is very real.

its only in the pat year/2 years that this condition is classed as a disability, beforehand people used to be wishywashy over it. I don't blame her for naming it a condition that peoples perceptions could be sympathetic with.

You can actually have fibromyalgia AND Rheumatoid Arthritis. Together. But often people find with the right meds and diet that the RA is under control, however the fibro still flares up.
Either way, fibro is a shitty condition that people often see as laziness, when actually it's living with pain and fatigue that can be unbearable.
I only tell people I have fibro once I know them well, as I too am sadly ashamed of the (completely wrong) stigma attached.

Yy what most people have said, she may even have been diagnosed with RA in the beginning, Fibro can be very difficult to diagnose my dd was thought initially to have RA but after further tests was diagnosed with Lupus & fibromyalgia she sometimes tells people it’s RA because most people have heard of RA many people don’t know what lupus is the symptoms are sometimes quite similar.
Please be kind OP, she hasn’t really deceived you she is still very unwell & in pain.

Fibromyalgia is often treated by the same specialists as arthritis, it could be she thought she did have arthritis and the fact they are similar means she didn’t explain it or give the proper name. It’s incredibly debilitating and can be very restricting but variable - people look completely fine sometimes while in crippling pain at other times. Sadly it isn’t understood or accepted, even by doctors.

I suffer from similar issues but not the fatigue/cognitive side as in fibromyalgia. It’s very hard to explain so I just say it’s a spinal injury.

Oh yay, another one

DFOD

The thing is what right do people have to know all the ins and outs of peoples conditions - it really annoys me that people feel they have a right to know and question question question - its private - if they want to brush it off as xyz and get on with like go for it i say - you can't judge till a mile in their shoes etc. All my empathy is with her to be honest and am glad you have realised this and are going to find an olive branch

Your friend may have been given an initial diagnosis of arthritis. I still feel like a fraud and ashamed at times because I've been medically retired with Fibromyalgia.

AYU for feeling hurt? Yes. This isn’t about you!! They’re both auto immune, one rheumatologist might tell her she has arthritis, another Fibromyalgia. It’s a MINEFIELD out there trying to get a diagnosis. I was told I had Fibromyalgia before I was correctly diagnosed with Lupus. I have symptoms of RA because of lupus. The fact she’s living with it and not told you isn’t lying, it’s probably in large part being difficult to come to terms with herself. None of my friends know I have lupus, why on earth would I tell them? Coping day to day with discussing it will all and sundry.

Nothing’s changed. Her pain is what stopped her joining you and that’s there as much as it ever was. Who cares how she chose to label it to you.

Fibro is often misdiagnosed as Arthritis. But is much more debilitating in the long term. Cut her some slack, both are horribly painful and horrible to have to live with.

Perhaps when she first had symptoms, she was misadvised by Dr's, and just thought it was easier to continue with the explanation?

Frankly, from your reaction I can see why she didn't feel safe to tell you.

The group of you turned around and reacted just as she feared you would.

She's the one who should be hurt. I'm glad you recognise that and are prepared to apologise.

You'd be surprised how many people are diagnosed first with fibro and subsequently with an inflammatory arthritis. It presents very similarly to a seronegative inflammatory arthritis. This is actually a scandal as the arthritis doesn't get the correct rapid treatment. I can understand your displeasure but I'm sure she never meant to deceive you. I hate describing my inflammatory arthritis to be people with a passion.

I’m sick of people on MN feeling hard done by that they don’t know the ins and outs of people’s private lives and then making out what terrible friends people are. How ‘disgusted’ they are they didn’t fess up to x and y illness. You’re not great friends. You’re shitty unsupportive friends.

I appreciate that it's not what happened with your friend but it's not unusual for people to have a diagnosis of inflammatory arthritis (there are >100 of them of which Rheumatoid Arthritis is the best known) that is subsequently changed to fibromyalgia.

I've known people with auto-immune arthritis who have a co-diagnosis of fibromyalgia.