Friend lied to us about health condition, AIBU to feel hurt?

[ALittleCheruby]

I've known this friend for a few years now. She's always been on and off ill, I thought because her condition fluctuates.

As a group, we've always been very understanding and accepting. We've always thought nothing of it when she couldn't come out for a girl's night or a trip with the kids, cancelling last minute. No problem. She's in pain.

But today we found out she suffers from something called Fibromyalgia and not Rheumatoid Arthritis like she told us.

She let slip today in conversation. We were surprised and she confessed that she hasn't told us the truth, and felt like she would be judged or thought to have an 'imaginary' condition if the real illness was uncovered.

She said we are a fabulous group of friends and she just couldn't face owning up and telling the truth.

AIBU to feel a little hurt? Perhaps wonder what else she could lie about?

I really dislike dishonesty. It's a mix crowd with other friends in the group. One thinks she had a damn good reason to lie, and thinks she obviously felt we'd see her in a negative light. The other is fuming and says it's disgusting she's lied.

What would you do?

I've had back and forth diagnoses between a type of arthritis (not rheumatoid) and fibro, so she might have had a change in diagnoses. Both are awful in their own way and have very different pains and needs. Currently I'm typing one handed as I can't straighten one arm at all. It's awful and debilitating and miserable and horrible and people don't ever want to make allowances. I've lost countless friends because I couldn't keep up and if you say you have fibro people look at you gone out. If you say arthritis they usually pass comment on how it's unusual in one so young, but they accept it more as everyone has a grandma with a bit of rheumatism. Sometimes you don't want to share stuff - even with your closest friends - things like it can cause a little incontinence during a flair up, or having to ring your parents to come to your house and get you out of bed because you can't even sit up, or having to ask people to repeat things several times because you have fibro-fug. It's so much easier to tell people something they will understand than to try and explain it to everyone.

I have an autoimmune disease that causes pain, fatigue, brain fog and is unpredictable. My mobility is affected and variable. I am on a lot of medication, including steroids. I am frequently told I look well - because I have gained a lot of weight due to the steroids.

I do get tired of people telling me to try various diets, do exercises I can't possibly do, take supplements to "boost my immune system" - er - why would I want to do that? I am taking drugs to deliberately suppress my immune system in order to slow down the disease progression!

It is bad enough having an illness without dealing with other people's perceptions and opinions.

I wouldn't do anything, just carry on as usual.
A group of friends don't need to know the "truth" about a persons illness.She owes you nothing in terms of any explanation.

YABVU - I'm not surprised she wasn't entirely truthful - to accuse her of lying in such tones disgraceful - I can see why she felt the need!

If her condition is bad enough to need a wheelchair I think YABU to give a shit what the actual illness is.

What would I do about it? Absolutely nothing. Just continue the friendship (and tell your judgey-pants friend to shut up and unclench).

You have no actual right to know anything about her health or her diagnosis. She gave a perfectly reasonable explanation for her fluctuating condition. Your readiness to judge her for not meeting your standards justifies her telling you a diagnosis that you were less likely to be judgemental over.

I am glad that you are contacting her OP.

Fibromyalgia is like chronic fatigue syndrome.
For a long time, it was said it was in people heads, not a real illness etc... your friend must have heard all sorts to feel she had to say she has RA rather than fibro.

Knowing that you still have her back, that you believe her whether it’s RA or fibromyalgia is one of the best thing you could have done as a friend.
That’s great!

(I say that as someone with CFS who has been told that I was just ‘lazy’ and to just get up and do things and i will feel better... Having someone believing you a great feeling!)

Aren’t they the same thing though?

At my last appointment with my RA consultant she brought up fibro- I'd not heard of it but it describes a lot of my symptoms I'd always put down to my arthritis or the drugs, such as chronic, overwhelming tiredness and pain, and others I just always thought as being 'me' like horrendously poor memory and insomnia. After she brought it up the next thing she said was not many health care professionals consider it, and when I got home and mentioned it to my mum she laughed, like I'd walked in and declared myself queen.

I'll stick with mentioning RA when asked about my stick or struggles, as strangers love to do, and quietly look into fibro without ever telling people.

Fibromyalgia is a condition that many people know nothing about and so can frequently dismiss as trivial. I promise you it's not trivial, it's hideous, but maybe your friend was worried in that respect. Before my Fibro diagnosis, some of the symptoms I was experiencing made me think of RA and I was tested for the markers in my blood before being referred to the Rheumatologist. A lot of the symptoms are the same.

I think YABU, at least a bit. Please try to maintain your sympathy and understanding. Your friend has a hellish condition, one which is every bit as disabling as RA.

I echo everyone on here with people saying it's made up. There's a lot of people, including medical people, who honestly feel that.

It sounds like you're doing the right thing OP. If I were you I'd ask your friend if she minds you reading up on it so you can understand and support her better. She may not want you to but I think she will. If she does read up on spoon theory too.

And fibro fog. That can be the worst thing, worse than the pain. You lose yourself and people can't understand it.

Carry on as normal and maybe ask yourself why she felt the need to lie in the first place. I'd hope my friends didn't feel they and to lie about something like that but if they did id be doing my best to try to make sure they felt they never had to again

who gives a fuck what name it is. In fact rheumatoid arthritis can often be controlled whereas there is little thay can be done for Fibro. I have FM and some days I cry myself to sleep because of pain and exhaustion.

Fibro is often misunderstood and down played. If can be awful.
A lot of people view fibro as a made up disease, call people lazy. My doctor said she only diagnoses fibro when they run out of options for what it might be.
I can see why she said a similar condition tbh.

Intact a lot of people I know with fibro have been told they don't have the pain but have mental health issues :(

I haven’t read the full thread but I have fibromyalgia (as well as epilepsy, chronic fatigue syndrome and other health issues) and I can tell you it’s agony. I am also a model, run my own business and am a single mum to a lively 3yr old who has just started full time private school (I mention the private bit because I work my arse off through the pain to pay for it). Some days I can’t get out of bed though and everyday I need a “carer” of sorts so I pay my mother to help me and even bought land with 2 houses on so she could live next door to me - we have an adjoining “child flap” so my son can run back and forth between the houses while still keeping our adult privacy (I have a boyfriend, so privacy is appreciated at times!). But yeah, I get why she lied. It’s agony but people dismiss it because they can’t see it. People look at me funny when I use my blue badge, because I really, REALLY don’t look disabled. Please support her. Xxx

She might have actually had her diagnosis changed from RA since you have known her - it appears that once you get past "it is autoimmune" you may as well roll a couple of dice and pick the diagnosis from a table, it all gets so overlappy and vague, and you may well get several diagnoses over many years as you try different treatments that don't work for whatever you have, etc.

same department at the hospital? maybe they have changed her diagnosis. I find that drs can not agree on what you have got and all have a different opinion, especially something less able to be tested for definitively.

I have eds (best as they can determine) it might be fibromyalgia though. (really?) just make your bloody minds up will you

Given that the two conditions are often confused or one is then diagnosed as the other further down the line, I don't think she's lied to you. Just not gone into all the ins and outs of her medical condition and explained it to you in a way you would understand.

I have a relative who regularly has seizures with no apparent physical cause. There is no official diagnosis but the blanket term epilepsy is used by my relative because it's easier to say that and people understand than to have to explain the last 20 years of your medical history to people!!

Her health condition. Her business. Her decision what to tell people. One of your friends is judging her rather than trying to understand, are you surprised she didn’t tell the truth?

It isn't downplayed by medical professionals though is it?

I had a diagnosis of fibromyalgia for years before a genetic condition was uncovered.

It literally used to be put in my clinic notes with 'inverted commas' (e.g. "suffers pain due to her 'fibromyalgia'") 🤔

Yabu.

It's not like she said she had cancer when all she had was the flu.

I don't know a great deal about either condition but they are comparable I'm sure.