Friend lied to us about health condition, AIBU to feel hurt?

[ALittleCheruby]

I've known this friend for a few years now. She's always been on and off ill, I thought because her condition fluctuates.

As a group, we've always been very understanding and accepting. We've always thought nothing of it when she couldn't come out for a girl's night or a trip with the kids, cancelling last minute. No problem. She's in pain.

But today we found out she suffers from something called Fibromyalgia and not Rheumatoid Arthritis like she told us.

She let slip today in conversation. We were surprised and she confessed that she hasn't told us the truth, and felt like she would be judged or thought to have an 'imaginary' condition if the real illness was uncovered.

She said we are a fabulous group of friends and she just couldn't face owning up and telling the truth.

AIBU to feel a little hurt? Perhaps wonder what else she could lie about?

I really dislike dishonesty. It's a mix crowd with other friends in the group. One thinks she had a damn good reason to lie, and thinks she obviously felt we'd see her in a negative light. The other is fuming and says it's disgusting she's lied.

What would you do?

I have Fibromyalgia. Often, particularly during flare ups, I have to cancel things at the last minute because of pain. I have seen a lot of sufferers complain that those around them think it’s just an excuse/can’t be that bad/ basically lead swinging.

Wow I'm glad I'm not in that circle of friends where they can turn on you and call you discusting just because of the name of the illness even though she has the same symptoms and pain and life is hard enough for her.

Just seen your update and suggest you and your friends apologize to her, sheust be feeling even more like shit now.

This is about her, not your or your friends. She's the one suffering. She'll have had her reasons for not telling you all the truth at first. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter to you - it's the same for you whether she told you the truth or something else.

I've had similar with my OH recently who was diagnosed with cancer back in February. Didn't want anyone to know so came up with various excuses to explain not being able to do things. Sister wasn't impressed when she was finally told and has been a real PITA ever since, but at the end of the day, it's not her who has it, and it's not actually made any difference to her - she's just miffed and made it all about her instead of it being about the person who is actually the one suffering it and who has the right to deal with it as they think best for them!

To be honest the symptoms of Fibromyalgia can be similar to some arthritis symptoms. It may have been the best way she could describe her symptoms in order for everyone to understand. As you say in the OP you all understood when she cancelled last minute due to her pain.

Would you all truly have felt the same if she had cancelled due to Fibromyalgia? It is a very misunderstood and minimised condition

I'm sorry that your friend felt she had to give her illness another name to get the understanding she wanted. I know someone who has ME and tells people she has MS as it means she gets much less grief from people and a lot more support.

Hopefully now you know she has fibro it won't change anything anyway and you can carry on being kind to her when she has to change plans at the last minute etc.

My friends has fibromyalgia, & when it flares up she can barely function she needs a walking stick to walk short distances and is utterly exhausted. I’ve seen the pain she is in and how difficult she find it to function.

Why does it matter what her illness is called she is unwell, it is a debilitating condition. That’s all. Be nice. She’s not expecting anything from you or your friends, just a little understanding and acceptance.

I'm in health and have seen a few people with this condition and often people who have this have other things as well. It's horrible and varies in it's severity sometimes on a day to day basis. I can understand why your friend said she had RA as it's more well known. Maybe she didn't want to have to explain it and why should she have to? If you are all her friends you should just accept that she's unwell and can't come out. If you weren't well you wouldn't expect to have to say what it was. She's probably quite low when she can't come out when she has an episode of this so she really needs some empathy. So maybe you should speak to the others in the group to give her some support. At least you have googled and tried to understand.

I've had a few friends who have informed me about various illnesses, I've just carried on as normal, I, may have asked a few questions. They are still my friends. Keep calm and carry on !

OP I have done exactly what your friend has done in the past. I have Psoriatic arthritis and i told a lot of people ( and still do occasionally when they ask) that its rheumatoid.....simply because a lot of people have heard of RA but barely anybody knows about PA. They are incredibly similar though and I was only diagnosed with PA as my family has a history if psoriasis....otherwise it would have been RA due to testing + for RA.

And honestly, even having a "genuine" health condition, unless you have sat in a wheelchair and tolerated the sly looks, the digs, the passive aggressive jokes etc, you have no idea at alll how much her condition affects her , not just on a physical level, but on a mental one too. We are judged constantly even by the very medical people that are supposed to help us. I am written off constantly as I also happen to be bipolar but I have learned that I shouldn't mention that to anybody apart from my mental health team.

My mum has fibro and doesnt like telling people.. one of her symptoms is restless leg syndrome and people often think she has mental health issues as shes constantly kicking it and tapping i5.

The first time i saw her on her medication and saw her leg i panicked .. it was like watching someone having a mental health episode with spasms, she can hardly walk sometimes and her hands go tingly. Alot of people think its just a bit of pain but ive seen the true meaning of it and it can be horrendous.. especially the lack of sleep from the pain she is in.

I have fibro and chronic fatigue. I was told many years ago by the head of pain management at my local hospital I definitely don’t have fibro. What I didn’t know at the time was that he doesn’t believe in the disease so never diagnosed anyone with it. The anaesthetist used for my recent op (and pain management specialist) knows this pain management guy and told me this recently btw. It’s outrageous that even the professionals employed to help patients disbelieve in a medical condition.

I’m not surprised your friend lied. My family have been horrible to me. My brother threatened me with violence several times when I he saw I was unwell as he believes I am faking it and the last time I saw him he was actually violent to me all because he doesn’t believe I’m actually ill. My mother blames me for everything. I provoked him apparently. Two charmers and peas in a pod.

I read recently that scientists have found medical markers in patients with chronic fatigue, which differ from those in the general population. Fibro and CFS/ME are all related so that will also somehow apply to fibro. It isn’t a made up in the head condition. It definitely has a physiological effect on the body.

MS was called ‘fakers disease’ 100 years ago. Fibro and associated illnesses are just the late 20th century, early 21st century equivalents. There was a diagnostic test for ME developed in the 50’s but poo poo’d once ME was merged with yuppie flu.

It’s actually difficult to get to grips with the waxing and waning of the illnesses myself and once I’m on a good run, I even struggle myself to understand or come to terms with how ill I was. I can see if must be far more difficult for outsiders.

I've been diagnosed over the last 20 years with Erythema Nodosum, then Lupus then RA then CFS and then Fibro. I had all of them in sequence and some of the conditions overlapped or were different opinions from different rhumatology consultants. Each have their favourite interpretations of results! My currents diagnosis is RA and CFS. I have consultants letters that gave me first Incapacity Benefit long term and mobility allowance, then DLA, the finally now PIP. And trust me you do not get those if you are lying, whatever the tabloid press and right wing would have you believe.
So YABU and judgemental and I'd do exactly the same as your friend if I were around you. All credit to your friend for trusting you and continuing to be a friend , even if you are being judgemental still. I'd have ditched you long since, tbh.

The other is fuming and says it's disgusting she's lied.

God, that's awful. She's better off without friends like that!

It is a misunderstood condition - i was reading a paperback called 'Confessions of a GP' and in there the author had a chapter basically saying that it was a physical manifestation of someone's depression, rather than a health condition with a medical cause, and that if the person got over their depression then the fibromyalgia would go away.

I have cronic migraine and dread having to tell new friends about it as it's almost sure people will start giving me advice on what to take for the pain (as in "take paracetamol, but not one, two pills"), teas to drink, stuff that is soothing... or they'll tell me about their headaches. And that's just so not what i have that it get's annoying. People usually dismiss my pain and minimize the impact it has on my life and believe it is just a "very strong headache", which is NOT. So i get how your friend might have said she has something else motivated by a desire to be taken seriously and a fear of not being believed when she couldn't go out with you due to being in pain. It's not great, but cut her some slack.

Oh and to add to my last comment. I actually had a homestart woman with RA come to me once a week to give me a little respite when my dd was little. She was relatively well but understandably didn’t come to see us when she had flare ups. One day I may be able to return the favour as a homestart helper if my health improves. Right now just getting through a day is tough enough. There is also a mother of a child in dds class with RA. Again she is far more mobile than me and works, which I can’t do.

Too many people play illness top trumps. A family member had cancer and was never as ill as me. In remission now. Not that I wish people to be more ill than me. There is a strong belief in society that certain illnesses are far worse than others. But they aren’t necessarily and it should never be a hierarchy.

I have a bit the same issue. I sometimes get headaches that also have me running to the loo and throwing up. I feel guilty saying I have a migraine because the pain itself is not excruciating and they don't last that long (so I feel I'm not a genuine sufferer - I know many people have worse) but if I say "I have a headache" people don't understand that I really can't do anything while it lasts and think I'm making too much fuss.

So I have a lot of sympathy for your friend - it's difficult to have something that makes you feel really ill but that people are sceptical about.

I would be feeling upset that she felt she couldn't tell us from the start because she'd thought we would be judgemental and disbelieving; she's certainly right on the former now, isn't she?
Some friends you are ☹️

I have attended a medical professional seminar on fibro and some doctors speak awfully about it and those that suffer from it. I completely understand why she altered her diagnosis to avoid negative jdgements.

Nothing has changed. She’s still in pain, except as she has this, some people won’t believe she’s ill or that she deserves pain killing medication ( including some medical professionals).

You seem to be making this about you and how you feel. It's not. It's about her and the fact she feels she has to lie.

I don't blame her tbh as Fibro is greatly misunderstood and yet can be incredibly debilitating.

She shouldn't have lied but make no mistake, Fibromyalgia is no walk in the park.

If you're good friends, you can easily and hopefully get past this.

I have fibro too. It's not much fun being told be people, including GPS, that the pain is psychosomatic.

Even though being diagnosed was a relief, it was hard to get family and friends to understand the nature of the condition.

The pain often feels the same as having a broken bone. My memory is crap. My concentration rubbish.

Just meeting up with you and talking will take so much of her energy. To explain her illness perhaps would have taken more energy than she had to give.

The anger of your friends at finding out she lied, seems to suggest that they view fibro as being secondary in severity to arthritis. It isn't. Largely because arthritis sufferers get provided with medication which has been developed especially for the condition, to minimise their pain.

No specialised drugs exist for fibro. Why would they, when so many people think it doesn't exist?

I am writing this in bed as I am having a flare up. The typing is hurting my hands. My legs feel as though the bones are being gnawed. That is after I have taken pain killers including tramadol.

Arthritis, fibro, what does it matter? I would also suggest you walk a mile in your friend's shoes. Because I bet she can't.

It's a horrible illness, both in itself and the reaction you get from other people, including medical professionals. I have often just called it 'an arthritis type thing' or similar to avoid having to deal with reactions. I also call my fairly severe facial pain a headache. She's doing what she needs to do to get through it.

I actually cried when I was diagnosed by a rheumatologist because my GP had already told me it was a 'waste basket diagnosis" 😂