Friend lied to us about health condition, AIBU to feel hurt?

[ALittleCheruby]

I've known this friend for a few years now. She's always been on and off ill, I thought because her condition fluctuates.

As a group, we've always been very understanding and accepting. We've always thought nothing of it when she couldn't come out for a girl's night or a trip with the kids, cancelling last minute. No problem. She's in pain.

But today we found out she suffers from something called Fibromyalgia and not Rheumatoid Arthritis like she told us.

She let slip today in conversation. We were surprised and she confessed that she hasn't told us the truth, and felt like she would be judged or thought to have an 'imaginary' condition if the real illness was uncovered.

She said we are a fabulous group of friends and she just couldn't face owning up and telling the truth.

AIBU to feel a little hurt? Perhaps wonder what else she could lie about?

I really dislike dishonesty. It's a mix crowd with other friends in the group. One thinks she had a damn good reason to lie, and thinks she obviously felt we'd see her in a negative light. The other is fuming and says it's disgusting she's lied.

What would you do?

Trying to keep up wth a bunch of friends when you have chronic illness becomes impossible for many people, as people do not understand the complexities and the struggles that the individual faces even with the smallest of tasks.

I tried to keep up with a new bunch of friends a few years ago. One totally understood because she was also chronically ill. The other two were ok for a while until I had a major relapse that left me bed bound and housebound for more than 2years.
I did not explain too much about my illness because all I wanted was to be treated like I used to be before I became ill.
There was some pretty nasty comments from one woman especially, who thought I should pull myself together...if only it were that simple!!

So I can fully understand your friend not wanting to talk about her Fibro as there is so much misinformation out there about it.

So she was worried about the social stigma of her illness, but not about the social stigma of lying (year after year) to her friends?

I think this is at the source of your problem.

Before you knew about her lie, you were sympathetic. Now you wonder whether you can trust anything she says, illness aside. Worse still, she believed her close friends were shallow enough to dismiss her real illness if she disclosed its name? So she doesn’t trust you, and can’t be trusted herself.

I’d normally suggest lower contact, with friends whose definition of friendship is so different. But it sounds like she only turns up to a fraction of the get-togethers anyway. I’d continue forward as is, but not confide in her, or the group when she’s around. There doesn’t seem much point in confronting her. She doesn’t trust you, that’s not going to change.

I have ms, which has a lot in common with fibro and ME/CFS. I have almost no friends in rl as I can't socialise in the evenings and most people work during the day.

I am becoming more and more isolated. If I had a bunch of friends like you lot, I would be very worried about losing them, so I quite understand her need to lie about her illness. Many more people know of, and give credence to RA, but fibro has been downplayed until quite recently.

@Jux
I could have written your post.... except my condition isn’t ms - but it has a lot in common with MS, fibro, CFS and spina bifida.

for you, Jux
And for OPs friend.

OP ~ I’m glad you seem to understand now, it is so hard always being ill and trying to retain the friendships that are so incredibly precious.

To be honest this would raise a little red flag for me. Yes, I can see why she lied. I would also wonder what else she is lying about. I would still be friendly but it would certainly register.

If she had said, something like - I have got a condition similar to arthritis or it is like arthritis that would be fine. A lot of people would not have heard of Fibro and it would save having to explain what it was.

Its not a red flag this woman is ill and if her friends were any sort of friends they wouldn’t need to know the ins and outs of the illness. I have RA but if I’m ill I don’t tell people I’m ill with x,y and z I say I’m ill and my friends go ok hope you feel better soon.

The expectation for people to explain every fucking aspect of a private diagnosis and almost justify themselves to people is really depressing.

If she can’t expect her friends to understand she’s struggling with something and needs some understanding about cancelling/leaving early without a full, frank, medical disclosure, they’re not friends. It’s that simple.

The absolute arrogance of expecting someone to lay bare their most personal, difficult and private experiences to then be judged and considered worthy or not is staggering.

You were being unreasonable. Glad to see you realised that and have apologised to your friend,

I am glad you have realised that you need to be accepting and supportive of your friend.

She was feeling vulnerable, not dishonest. She needs you and the other friend who understood straight away to support her, and maybe do some straight taking to the other friend.

Illness, disease, health is a deeply personal thing. We have no rights to know anyone’s condition.

I have fibromyalgia (alongside ME, endometriosis and adenomyosis). I have a relatively new group of friends and wasn’t honest about it when it eventually came up - a few of them are so kind and understanding, but I can see others rolling their eyes on occasion if I mention in passing that I’ve had a bad few days (I don’t really talk about it a lot because of the way people react, but sometimes you do need to mention it in context).

My GP diagnosed the fibro and I asked to see a rheumatologist, who wrote to me refusing to see me because I was already diagnosed by the GP. I’ve had nothing in the way of treatment, help or support. No benefits, no medication beyond the one pain relief I was already on, no other services, not even confirmed by a consultant.

I often wish I had something like arthritis, at least they’d take it more seriously and there are medications which can help (my nan had OA very badly so I know it’s also very debilitating).

I hope you didn’t say all of this to her - I’m glad you’re going to apologise.

To be honest this would raise a little red flag for me. Yes, I can see why she lied. I would also wonder what else she is lying about. I would still be friendly but it would certainly register.

OP doesn’t know she was lying. Friend may have been wrongly diagnosed, or told that’s probably what it was and was waiting for more tests, consultant appointments etc. Some people just don’t understand the reality of living with longterm debilitating symptoms that could be caused by any number of conditions - it’s very hard to explain to people that your health is absolutely in the toilet but you don’t know why and doctors don’t seem to care much.

Anyone who’s been through this process (which can take years) can understand what’s happened here.

I have a friend who has a terrible autoimmune disease. When discussing it she calls it "Lupus" even though it is a different disease, because she doesn't want to hash it out and explain the differences- which she had to do constantly when talking about it. Having a chronic condition is awful and exhausting, and you also learn how quickly people pry into your business.

Fibromyalgia and RA present in similar ways. Its not really a big deal if she uses a commonly known disease as a shorthand, rather than dig into the details. FM patients see Rheumatologists for treatment. They are very, very similar.

There is a difference between saying "I am going through cancer treatment", when you have a benign mole removed, and using colloquial shorthand so she doesn't have to get into the details.

Skittlesandbeer
I’d normally suggest lower contact....But it sounds like she only turns up to a fraction of the get-together anyway..

Wow. Your post took my breath away. You really don’t get it. It’s getting the reaction from people like you, which makes people not tell the truth. But hey, you just wrap it up as ops friend lying so she needs to be ostracised some more. She’s disabled ffs. Disabled people are largely invisible and the most marginalised. I know exactly what I’m talking about. I’m disabled. I have what ops friend has and far more.

There doesn’t seem much point in confronting her. She doesn’t trust you, that’s not going to change

This entire post is one of the most clueless things I’ve ever read.

Maybe read the previous five pages of mostly personal accounts of battling little-understood illnesses and understand why what you’ve written is nonsense.

Fibromyalgia, RA... honestly, what difference does it make (to you, I mean)? Honestly, in your position I don’t think I’d really care that much. Either way the poor woman is very ill.

The people who think Fibro/CFS/ME and RA ‘are the same thing’ and minimise RA as something ‘that can just be cured with tablets’ are the reason why getting a rheumatology appointment can take months. It really annoys me. Someone up thread expressed surprise that someone with RA can work. SMH. The majority of people with RA try so hard to continue on as normal and don’t want loads of sympathy, attention (and benefits).

RA can cause deformity, in that way it is more serious. Plus many patients go on immunosuppressants which make them really sick.

Wow I feel so sorry for her. Its not like she's a prolific liar : she's probably had her illness dismissed lots of times before and was just trying to make sure it was taken seriously. It's not like the exact diagnosis made any difference to you.

She has been truthful about her symptoms, the underlyin dianosis is not public property.It is her business and hers alone, doesn't impact on you and your supposedly wonderful group in any way shape or form.

It isn't downplayed by medical professionals though is it?

So wrong. My DD was told by her doctor “You have all the markers for fibromyalgia but I don’t believe in it so you won’t be getting that diagnosis from me”

It isn't downplayed by medical professionals though is it?

Yes, sadly it is and that is why so many other people belittle the symptoms and how genuine it is.

It often seems to go alongside other chronic illnesses, such as RA, lupus etc and sometimes it shows up first of all, maybe years, before bloodwork shows something else going on.

I wouldn’t be surprised if in the future there is more understanding of chronic fatigue, and fibromyalgia, and they turn out to be several different illnesses that blood tests can distinguish.

I would have done this. I have OCD which is an often misunderstood illness that invites a lot of awkward questions if you disclose it. I would rather not, so I tell people I have anxiety if I need to say anything. What difference does it make to them? The outcome from their point of view is exactly the same.

randomobject YES the amount of people I’ve told I have OCD only to have them go ‘I bet your house is spotless ha ha’ or ‘yeah I’m a bit OCD too I can’t stand mess’ is amazing. I don’t bother now.

People have symptoms that affect their day-to-day lives and these symptoms are grouped in a sort of ven diagram, this is how we research cause and treatments - the official diagnosis doesn't actually affect the symptoms she has. One of the issues with researching Fybro and CFS is that the sample is still quite mixed up (imagine combining osteo and inflammatory arthritis and trying to find cause/treatment - you couldn't, but that wouldn't invalidate any symptoms the person has). She probably feels upset that this lack of understanding is interpreted as a lack of real-ness, if you are good friends you will reassure her not make it about yourself.

For example, I have Rheumatoid arthritis, mine isn't usually symmetrical (one of the features of RA) and my feet are badly affected (more common in psoriatic arthritis). The doctor looks at all the symptoms against a list to choose the best fit. These conditions rarely fit neatly into a box and I am not lying to my employer of friends if I leave out the details, I'm just not boring them. It is still "I can't go for a run with you as my foot is swollen," whether that is a RA symptom or not - doesn't change the actual swelling.

It's not as if she told you she had cancer but had in fact a sebaceous cyst.

It's in the same ballpark.

It looks like she was right not to trust the group of friends, though...