Friend lied to us about health condition, AIBU to feel hurt?

[ALittleCheruby]

I've known this friend for a few years now. She's always been on and off ill, I thought because her condition fluctuates.

As a group, we've always been very understanding and accepting. We've always thought nothing of it when she couldn't come out for a girl's night or a trip with the kids, cancelling last minute. No problem. She's in pain.

But today we found out she suffers from something called Fibromyalgia and not Rheumatoid Arthritis like she told us.

She let slip today in conversation. We were surprised and she confessed that she hasn't told us the truth, and felt like she would be judged or thought to have an 'imaginary' condition if the real illness was uncovered.

She said we are a fabulous group of friends and she just couldn't face owning up and telling the truth.

AIBU to feel a little hurt? Perhaps wonder what else she could lie about?

I really dislike dishonesty. It's a mix crowd with other friends in the group. One thinks she had a damn good reason to lie, and thinks she obviously felt we'd see her in a negative light. The other is fuming and says it's disgusting she's lied.

What would you do?

I admire her bravery in coming clean to you and your friend group. It must have been pretty scary for her to do so. And well done to you, OP, for getting over your initial reaction and supporting her. You're lucky to have each other.

OP my poor Mum has fFbro she is in terrible pain with it , she cries with it and says it is like burning . I think you need to continue to be very kind and supportive to your DF she has obviously come up against some non -believers before bless her.

As someone with CFS(chronic fatigue syndrome) I can relate to your friends decision, although personally I would not have taken that route.
Such conditions are largely medical mysteries and do provoke doubt or scepticism in the minds of some, so this is likely to be a self-protective stance.
Sometimes it's just hard and the feelings of vulnerability about being taken seriously are too much.
I think it would be OK to tell your friend how you feel and strive to get past this: it sounds that you are generally very supportive of her and this is sure to be tremendously helpful for her - having a group of loyal friends. Be as easy about it as you can.

The irony is most people know fuck all about either fibro or RA anyway so maybe it doesn’t matter what any of us with these kind of conditions call it. I have 7 or 8 different but overlapping autoimmune conditions - l’ve never listed them to anyone even my husband. I think the eyes would glaze over if l tried and l’d use that day’s stock of energy in the first 20 minutes and end up answering some very basic questions that somebody with a GCSE or equivalent in biology ought to already get.

OP, if you like spending time with your sick friend then do so. If you don’t or have reservations about your friendship because of her so called lies, then just fuck off and let her lead her life as best she can. You’re welcome.

Well said Beatrix. I have various (comparitively minor) health issues, as do many, unless you are very fortunate. It's a pita and upsetting to be constantly explaining and justifying yourself. You can make yourself very vulnerable. It is so sad that people are not more empathetic.

OP - I’m glad you’ve spoken to your friend, and that you’ve gained an understanding of fibromyalgia.

Just have to say, I agree with @YeTalkShiteHen earlier in the post - I’m not sure why people think they’re ‘owed’ the medical history of a friend to prove the friendships worth? My closest friend - I don’t have many! - does know the ins and outs, but otherwise, why would I tell people about my medical conditions in depth, or even at all depending on what they were? I have PCOS and IBS amongst my diagnoses, but I can’t see why my friends would ever need to know about them.

For what it’s worth, I get where the friend was coming from - I have Asperger’s, and although I’m coming to terms with it now, I had a truly horrendous experience when I disclosed it at a job, so now I don’t as a rule, saying I have severe anxiety and depression if it comes up. I mean it doesn’t tend to - I don’t play well with people, so I’m generally not around them long enough for it to become an issue - but people judge when you mention autism, so I save it for when I think someone needs to know. That’s my prerogative.

Fibro is a whole lot of symptoms combined. I feel blessed that I don’t get the headaches, though I get the pain, tender points, I s, brain fog and fatigue. It’s the fatigue that has most blighted my life, I feel.
Because it’s not fatal they don’t seem to seriously be looking for a cure, though the natural heath type companies are forever recommending a miracle herb or vitamin. Nothing has worked for me.
Now I’ve got more health problems I’m having to cope with frequent blood pressure tests — these are so painful I sometimes cry. Doctors poke and ask if I have any pain — of course I do, I have fibro — but not very helpful in diagnosing other conditions.
For those who don’t know much about it — on good days one can get out and about etc but if one overdoes the activity there is a rebound affect so then one is worse than before.

I have fibromyalgia. It's bloody awful, and the amount of times people have been dismissive and haven't believed how I'm feeling, have been too many to count.

I've lost friends because of it, mainly because they think I've been bullshitting after I've had to decline, or they just don't believe I'm in pain, so i don't blame her.

That doesn't necessarily make it okay, but I don't blame her.

@YeTalkShiteHen another favourite is "well you are communicating well" or "you do ok" or "I would never have guessed" 🙄

it can be misdiagnosed as aerthritis.and it can ne mild or severe but it cannot be diahnosed by xrays or blood tests so just have to take your friends word fro it and support her the nest you can..

my Sil had said she had everything from MS, IBD, SAD to RA before Fibromyalgia was diagnosed even before she was formaly diagnosed she had a wetroom put in stairlift, crutches,walking stick, wheelchair, by the council support team and boughtherself motorised wheelchair aid to help her in the day to day living and had every strong painkillers from Dr as she says she was in so much pain. yet managed to go on a 10 day trip to Disneyland with 3 kids without any support

I've not rtft so apologies if this is repeating other comments but I know of 2 people who have been diagnosed with fibro who have both been told it's either fibro or RA before getting the actual diagnosis. I think they must have fairly similar symptoms?

sanssherif I have had fibromyalgia diagnosed for 15 years and CFS the same length of time. I am not depressed though I do have mental health issues granted more managed today than they manage me.

Degenerative yes it is! Mine has got worse. I know I live with it. There are rare recoveries. Very few. Those who say they are recovered are usually in a remission period or not as severe so have been able to learn to manage it better.

As you admit to your own health problems perhaps "If I said to you, how do you know you will be stuck with your illness. It might get better" you would be rightly p*seed off so touche.

I am certainly not depressed. I am matter of fact over it.

Before you say I know nothing of your severe health issues our 2nd son is bipolar 1 with rapid cycles so I do know somethibg about the more severe mental health issues.

We will leave it there hey!

WWID? Understand why she lied.

I'm about to Volunteer with an organisation to do with HIV, which is another health condition that people have to lie about.

As someone who suffers really badly with fibro, this post has really fucked me off. Fibro holds a whole host of conditions, and many suffers also have arthritis (I do). Very few people do I tell, know why.... because people call it 'juppy flu'. I've had people lecture about what causes fibro, I get told to take a paracetamol and stop complaining. To stand in her shoes, you should stay awake for 4 days and then run a marathon and only then can you say you know how she feels because that is how fibro makes you feel. She needs support, not accusations that she has lied. Tbh if your reaction is anything to go on, I don't blame her for lying

When I meet new people I often talk about my husband. I'm not married but we have been together 21 years, lived together for 18, moved countries together and have two kids age 10 and 5 together. Calling him my husband is technically a lie but I do it as it conveys our relationship much better and more simply than calling him my boyfriend or partner. It comes out in further conversation and no-one has ever got upset and called me a list for It, sometimes there is just a much simpler (although not quite true) way of talking about things.

I wouldn’t be too hard on her either. I know 2 people who have fibromyalgia and sadly they’re not taken seriously especially since they have both good and bad days. A lot of drs dismiss this illness too. Not much is known about it. Try and put it behind you and just be as supportive as you can

Traceyturnblatt......really sorry your suffering so much. What you have is invisible, that's what makes it so hard for others to understand at times. Fibromyalgia is a condition Doctors diagnose when they don't know what's going on. Your symptoms are the same as fluroquine toxicity syndrome. These fluroquinolones are a group of very dangerous antibioctics, given for minor infections like UTI's, bronchitis, and sinus infections etc. I was given cipro (a fluroquinolone) for bronchitis 4 years ago. I have had 4 years of 'fibromyalgia' pain like yours. I honestly don't know if this is the cause of your 'fibromyalgia' but it may be worth looking into your medical history to see if you have ever been given a fluroquinolone. There are many antibioctics in this group. These antibioctics are cummulative, so some people take them many times ( as I did) before a reaction happens, hence Doctors don't connect the dots. There is a ton of information if you google 'side effects of cipro or levaquine or fluroquinolones. Also there is also a lot of information on how you can cope and lessen the pain. I really hope you feel better soon.

Keffie
Im open to the fact that in 10 years I may be much more stable and able to come off medication. It happens.
Im not sat saying my life will never be normal, i struggle through each day, im disabled for life etc which is often the mindset if people with fibro in my experience-thats why i referred to the hopelessness i never said you are depressed. And i have cfs symptoms. I would never pursue a diagnosis though.
Nothing ever helps therefore nothing will help in the future-
You cannot know that! Thats a mindset not a reality necessarily.
As for the woman off to disneyland she is the kind of pisstaker who makes fibro look like a fakers illness-supposedly they were 'good days'.
Whilever people are faking it it will never have credibility in the same way a bad back cannot be proved.
I do believe a time will come where is is clinically measureable.

Scaredandshattered. Tell your Mum to look into magnesium. As you get older you need it more. It can really help with restless legs.

Frim this post it tells me sge was right to lie. How patronising and condescending that your (& your groups) 'feelings' are more important than her pain.

Medical professionals do downplay it and it is often misdiagnosed or dismissed.

The symptoms of RA are identical to Fibro, the diagnosis is more a process of elimination rather than test results. You can have endless tests and xrays and scans, and they will come back negative for RA. If only there was a simple test for fibro, it would cut out a lot of suffering for people.
I have fibro, and trust me its definitely not a made up illness. It bloody hurts. A lot.
Your friend probably said she had RA as that is what the professionals thought it probably was. But like others she probably also has the other million and one symptoms associated with fibro and has been given a more definite diagnosis. She could also have both......

Go and watch Afflicted on Netflix. Pay attention to the person in it called 'Jamieson.' He has M.E. M.E, CFS, and fibromyalgia are the same group of illnesses with slightly different aspects, and can be brought about by any number of things such as trauma, or another illness kicking it off.

The entire series is about folks with invisible illnesses. There is one person in it that I don't actually buy in terms of illness, and I say this because as much as there are millions of us who battle invisible illnesses, there are some fakers which make it so fucking hard for the rest of us. But really look at Jamieson. He appears at several points in the series.

This reaction of yours is honestly exactly the reason she probably did what she did, and by the looks of it, she was right.

I don't understand. Both are painful illnesses. Why wouldn't she be believed?

There's a thread on here at the moment about a lady with fibro who was treated dreadfully by her GP. She had to beg for her medication. She was in a wheelchair and he said something like ' shall i open the door for you or will you stand up and own it yourself'?

open