to be boggled at my sister expecting me to come to her wedding in the middle of the school year ...

[NotQuiteCockney]

My sister told me on the phone, she's (probably) getting married Jan 26th, next year. Ok, this is lots of notice. But it's in Toronto, and at a bloody stupid time. I'm sick of going to Canada, honestly, and what am I meant to do? Go for the weekend? Leave the kids at home? What?

The whole thing has me annoyed, tbh. I know she can't get married in the summer, when I normally come, I understand that. But easter or autumn would be a lot easier for me.

I just figured she didn't really care about me coming, but she sounded a bit put out when I said I'd have a hard time coming.

She came over for my wedding, true, but I scheduled my wedding to be convenient for everyone attending!

It probably doesn't help that I can't stand her DP ...

I really don't know Zazetter but the only Canadian person I have met during the process of building a house, made it very clear how stressful it was to finish XYZ before the start of the winter. Canadian winters are far harsher than British ones.

Definitely you shouldn't go. If you do you will irritated and resentful which she will sense anyway.
I fell our with my sister-in-law over my neice's confirmation whcih was at a time impossible for me becuase of work, but also imoossible for the kids because of school holiday did not wan to leave the kidas with DH becuase it was slap-bang in the middle of the hayfever season which DS1 suffers horribly from, and dood tho' his dad is, he wants his mum when he is ill... I am not religious and don't like going ot dchurch anyway. but actually I also resent the fact that I was steamrollered I was younger and less assertive into being niece's gomother.
It did cause ructions with SIL who is religious, and who thought that giving 6 months notice meant I could figure out a way to go. She piled on the emotional blackmail and embroiled my mother who would do anything to avoid disagreemtns, but I didn't go and although I don't fel great about it, would have felt a whole lot worse if I had, whcih I think will be the case for you. Send a nice present and stay at home...

i got married in november and gave everyone a month's but made it clear I would take no offence if people could not fly in from the US and Oz. In the end, ALL my family flew over,in some cases doing a 12 hour flight for a long weekend. I was incredibly touched, but it did make me think if I really meant it when I said I wouldn't mind if they didn't come.

"who thought that giving 6 months notice meant I could figure out a way to go"

I hate that too. "But we have you plenty of time". So what? If it's impossible it will still be impossible in a years time or is 2 weeks time. "I want you to make pig's fly. Come on...you've got a whole year!" What it means is that they have taken away one reason for getting out of it gracefully.

Saying 'I won't be offended' is polite, though, isn't it, particularly if you're not giving much notice.

Come to think of it, I didn't encourage any of my Canadian friends to come to my wedding - on the basis that they can't come over that often, and I'd rather they came when I had time and space for them.

(The bedbugs, by the way, don't affect wedding plans - I wouldn't stay at their place anyway, they don't have any spare room really.)

At that time of year, in middle of school term, I just simply wouldn't go. I wouldn't want to have to take DD out of school for one. And I wouldn't go on my own either - we only have x number of holidays a year, and I want to use them when DH and DD are around too - for us to have our family time together.

Don't see the importance of being at siblings weddings. Not as if you don't are just because you don't go. I got married abroad so no one saw my wedding (did have a blessing soon after though). BIL got married abroad too - kind of necessity and quick - so none of us went over. Hasn't done anything to damage our relationships at all, and we all still get along very well.

That is a good point NQC. Weddings are crap occasions for the bride or groom to see anyone. So not a good time to travel thousands of miles and spend heaps of dosh.

I wouldn't go. We didn't go to dh's sisters wedding in Holland a few years ago but they're not close. I think I was pregnant too with probs. Her grandparents didn't go either but they are old and nan was ill.

Hey sorry about all this but I think you should go.

The reason I think you should go is that I didn't go to one of my best friends weddings for very similar reasons. This was 11 years ago and I still feel guilty. The friendship was affected as well. It'd be worse with a sibling.

So even though it is a TOTAL and UTTER pain for you, I think you should go.

My dh never felt guilty.

We have never felt guilty for not seeing BIL married, nor anyone for not seeing ours. Nor us for having our own wedding abroad. It definitely does not always affect relatonships either. Both DH and myself have strong links and relationshipos with both of our families. Everyone just accepted that this was the way things were, and everyone was just happy for one another.

I'm sitting on the fence. Part of me thinks YABU - when you get married, you do it to suit yourself, and not other people. If people like you enough to want to be there, they'll be there, so why should she bend over backwards to accommodate you.

On the other hand, YANBU because it does sound a bit dire and a very odd time to be getting married in the freezing cold....

However, you don't really seem like you want to go. So don't go. I'm sure you're big enough to deal with any guilt issues about not going that you might have 10 years down the line. I am also sure that you have plenty enough excuses to use for not going. So don't! That's all there is to it really!

The whole funeral-trip-to-Mexico thing last year made clear how much I hate travelling, especially for a short time.

Oh, I just despair of the whole thing.

But ... I am not hassling my father about the bed bugs (they are his fault, I'm sure of it, as is my sister), so hopefully he won't hassle me about the wedding. He isn't the type to demand things or pull guilt, so if he does it, I will probably give in, or feel really bad.

If I wanted to go, I could either, I guess, take the kids out of school for a week, or dump them for a weekend and go on my own, or even with DH, I guess, if my ILs took both boys? (They never have, but they've expressed a willingness to.)

Both plans fill me with dread and despair, though. I hated going to Mexico (tried my best to not go!), I hate this whole situation.

(I don't think she should bend over backwards! I just don't think she should expect me to go, having made no effort to accomodate me when picking the date!)

sixofone's last para is spot on.
And there are bedbugs, of course.

Maybe she expects you to go because she thinks she sort of ought to, in the same way that you are thinking you sort of ought to go even though you don't want to?

I won't be anywhere near the bedbugs - we're still visiting this summer, despite the bedbugs. (She had them last summer too - so we didn't let them into our accommodation, and we didn't enter hers. This is vital, not least because we are renting a normal person's house this time, not a hotel room or anything like that!)

Sixofone, that may well be it. She just sounded disappointed.

And it was v important to her that she tell me the date (in January 08), although it clearly wasn't important enough to discuss with me ahead of time.

(I think I had a thread like this about the trip to Mexico, too, actually. Only it ended with me having to go, which I agree was the right thing to do, even though it sucked.)

Sorry I think you are being unreasonable. It's her wedding and she should be able to have it on the date she wamts. You say your children are 3 and 6 at that age it wont matter if they miss a few days school.

I don;t think the problem is the timing or the location. you refered to it as a "fucking wedding". doesn't that betray some other issues? You really really really don;t want to go. not going probably won't effect your relationship any more than going and feeling bitter will.

It sounds like you've made your mind up NQC. If you don't want to go, don't go.

Several people close to us can't make my wedding as we shifted it from a bells and whistles affair on a sat to a registry office the day before. I don't mind, I knew that would be a possible consequence. The chances are your sister isn't as attached to you being there as you think.

I suppose you'll get into trouble if you tell her you'll try really hard to be there for the next one...

I'm with MI on this. Weddings, such a faff. I missed my brother's wedding, I was in the wilds of Mexico at the time and he arranged it so quickly it would have messed up all my plans. He wasn't offended though, which does make a difference.

It's simple. Don't go. You aren't close, you don't like her dp. You'll hate it. No brainer - stay home.