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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be boggled at my sister expecting me to come to her wedding in the middle of the school year ...

144 replies

NotQuiteCockney · 08/06/2007 21:04

My sister told me on the phone, she's (probably) getting married Jan 26th, next year. Ok, this is lots of notice. But it's in Toronto, and at a bloody stupid time. I'm sick of going to Canada, honestly, and what am I meant to do? Go for the weekend? Leave the kids at home? What?

The whole thing has me annoyed, tbh. I know she can't get married in the summer, when I normally come, I understand that. But easter or autumn would be a lot easier for me.

I just figured she didn't really care about me coming, but she sounded a bit put out when I said I'd have a hard time coming.

She came over for my wedding, true, but I scheduled my wedding to be convenient for everyone attending!

It probably doesn't help that I can't stand her DP ...

OP posts:
pointydog · 09/06/2007 20:08

Maybe after the wedding (or even now ) you should resolve to only do what you want to do when it comes to your sister

Judy1234 · 09/06/2007 20:11

Plenty of women fly across the Atlantic on business trips over night do the work and get right back and we don't die. It's not fun and we'd like days tacked on at either end but it has to be done sometimes so I don't see why it can't be done for a sister's wedding and children can come too.

WigWamBam · 09/06/2007 20:12

Some families are just not as close as others, so I don't agree with those who have said you have to go. You don't.

Life's too short to waste precious time jetting off to a city you don't like, for the second marriage of a sister you're not close to and a man you can't stand, at a time which you've already told them would be difficult for you.

It all sounds terribly unappealing.

Send them a gift and maybe a video of the children, and buy them a drink next time you're over there.

pointydog · 09/06/2007 20:13

lol @ xenia

I think there are a lot of emotions tied up in this..

PrincessPeaNips · 09/06/2007 20:21

NQC -
you say you don't want to go, the weather will be shit (yup, end of Jan in canada about as bad as it gets), it won't be that big a deal or major a ceremony, you will be cross about it and you'll suffer a bit of guilt but not much

so I think... don't go. Tell her you'd love to if it was at a time that you could go, but you can't take the kids out of school and you can't come without them. Send them a fuck-off present (or maybe just vouchers for Holt Renfrew?!!), and make lots of noises about wanting to have photos emailed immediately etc and just DON'T GO.

You'll feel so much better for it.

This of course doesn't really work if your father exerts serious emotional pressure, but I'm sure you can talk him round

PrincessPeaNips · 09/06/2007 20:21

oooooh wig wam said the same as me
I'd given up reading half way through the thread when everyone was insisting you had to go

you don't!

Elasticwoman · 09/06/2007 20:23

I wouldn't go, esp as it's not her first wedding.

But whatever you decide, be firm and definite. If you do decide to go, let her know how many of you and for how long; if not, make your excuses and refuse to discuss it any further, but send good wishes and a present and be interested to see wedding photos, recordings etc when it happens.

FluffyMummy123 · 09/06/2007 20:23

Message withdrawn

FluffyMummy123 · 09/06/2007 20:23

Message withdrawn

bran · 09/06/2007 20:26

Don't go. Only one member of dh's family (his brother) came to our wedding because it's a very long way from Malaysia. Neither dh nor I were offended or even surprised that they didn't.

If you're wound up thinking about it now, then you're going to be in a really black mood by January if you go.

DulwichDolly · 09/06/2007 20:26

Yes, some of you are right regarding the closeness of families. Most of mine is also abroad and I relish any time spent with them!

I would never miss any family affair but I agree that we are a very very close family.

NQC if your instincts tell you not to go then don't!

FluffyMummy123 · 09/06/2007 20:27

Message withdrawn

NappiesGalore · 09/06/2007 20:30

i agree utterly with WWB and PPH.

send something nice, make noises about being disappointed and dont go.

GlassSlipper · 09/06/2007 20:31

This is about your relationship with your sister, rather than attendance at her wedding. You appear to be saying you cant be bothered with her/your family as they cant be bothered with you when you go over.

Tbh, I dont blame you for feeling that. I have a similar situation and I resent that I am the one who puts in all the effort. My family wouldnt bother atteding important occasions of mine and I would be hurt. I would bend over backwards to go to theirs.

The main questions really are, who will be more upset if you do/dont go? you or your sister. Will you feel guilty if you dont go? Will your sister get over it if you dont go?

lisad123 · 09/06/2007 20:42

I dont really think you are being fair. It would nice to go away surely with your family and enjoy the wedding too
The kids might miss a few days at school, so what.
It sounds like you cant be bothered to go. Its her wedding maybe she choose that date for a good reason.
I think you should go, you have plenty of notice to prepare yourself.
l

Elasticwoman · 09/06/2007 20:47

Lisad123 how is it "unfair" of the OP if she "can't be bothered" to go half way round the world? It sounds like a huge expense and disruption. Can't see any moral obligation whatsoever.

bran · 09/06/2007 20:47

Will you hate me if I also say that you are teensy bit unreasonable to expect to be taken into account when your sister set a date because you have a long way to travel. You chose to leave your native country to live 8 hours flight away so in a way the onus is on you to go back and forward at their convenience. If she was the one who had moved and the whole family was going to have to travel then I would expect her to be more considerate about dates (which is what you did do when it was your wedding).

Anyway, wedding dates are affected by weird things that aren't always apparant or explainable. My was based on rugby internationals and the date of another wedding in India which kept moving because the date had become inauspicious.

Of course I may be talking slightly through my arse as I am only an expat by 40 mins flight.

Anyway, do what will make you calm, and then be calm. The convenience of the rest of your family is not your responsibility.

bran · 09/06/2007 20:49

In case you were confused by that last post, I still think that you shouldn't go, but I also think that you shouldn't be wound up because the date doesn't suit.

madamez · 09/06/2007 20:49

Don't go, send a nice present And/or video message like what they do on This Is Your Life.
It sounds like you'd have no fun, it also sounds like your sis won't exactly be weeping into her wedding cake if you don't go. We don't have to knock ourselves out for people just because they are biologically related to us, after all.

dmo · 09/06/2007 20:51

dont go if you dont want to and dont feel pressured
my nana died 2 weeks ago and i didnt for to the funeral even though i felt pressured from family members to go
very gald i didnt go now would much rather go to work than go to a funeral

lisad123 · 09/06/2007 20:56

I havent had chance to read all posts, so maybe missed something but if my sister was getting married I would try hard to get there. The OP sister came for her wedding so had to make same flight for her wedding.

Slim · 09/06/2007 21:07

If you've already said you can't make that date, could it be a bit of a hint?

collision · 09/06/2007 21:39

When I started reading i thought YWBU! but reading through it I realise YANBU!

It sounds dire and she wont miss you. Second marriage, already has kids, in a community hall, in FREEZING conditions.

I would not go and dont think you should have to either.

As you are going this year already, could you arrange a hen do for her with some friends so that at least you have put yourself out a bit and it might be fun!

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 09/06/2007 21:53

I thought the fact I'd said, 'we can come if it's X Y or Z' and she didn't make it one of those was a hint.

But she sounded a bit disappointed when I said I couldn't make it.

I did make it to Mexico, last year, for a funeral type thing for my mum. And it sucked, it was horrible travelling so far.

Yes, my sister did come over for my wedding. I:

  • made the date convenient for her
  • paid for a lot of her accommodation while here (my parents paid for the rest), and I arranged all of it

Oh, and she had no kids at this point.

A hen do while I'm over is a Very Good Idea. Or at least going out drinking together. I don't really like any of her friends that much ...

OP posts:
Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 09/06/2007 21:54

bran, you're right, that as the person who moved away, it makes sense for me to do a lot of the running. And to be fair, they can't really travel because they don't have much money.

But I don't actually feel like they bother when I come over. I always bring things for them, and get given ... nothing. For me or the kids. Oh, I lie, a tiny dollar store bear for DS1 last time.

OP posts: