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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be boggled at my sister expecting me to come to her wedding in the middle of the school year ...

144 replies

NotQuiteCockney · 08/06/2007 21:04

My sister told me on the phone, she's (probably) getting married Jan 26th, next year. Ok, this is lots of notice. But it's in Toronto, and at a bloody stupid time. I'm sick of going to Canada, honestly, and what am I meant to do? Go for the weekend? Leave the kids at home? What?

The whole thing has me annoyed, tbh. I know she can't get married in the summer, when I normally come, I understand that. But easter or autumn would be a lot easier for me.

I just figured she didn't really care about me coming, but she sounded a bit put out when I said I'd have a hard time coming.

She came over for my wedding, true, but I scheduled my wedding to be convenient for everyone attending!

It probably doesn't help that I can't stand her DP ...

OP posts:
alicet · 08/06/2007 21:58

Your not being unreasonable to find it inconvenient and not be able to go as a result. Have you tried discussing if it would be feasible for her to have it on a more convenient date? Before I had children I'm not sure it would have ever crossed my mind...

You are being unreasonable to generally bitch and say you just don't fancy a wedding and expecting (different to discussing and asking her) her to fit her wedding around you. but then I guess you are just venting your frustrations.

If you don't want to go and can't go with good grace then you are better off making your excuses and staying at home. For me this would be absolutely inconceivable but I am very close to my sister and fully understand that not everyone is lucky enough to have this relationship.

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 08/06/2007 21:59

I am just venting, really.

I had said, before, that either late October, or Easter, would work better. I did explain, when she planned it for November before, that I didn't think I could make it.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 08/06/2007 21:59

(oh, and she has kids.)

OP posts:
sarahlou1uk · 08/06/2007 22:01

If this was me, if I felt unsure about going I wouldn't. How about you and the kids record her a nice message which you can send on a dvd or video wishing them well for their wedding? I would make excuses such as finances to your dad if he put any pressure on. TBH if you don't really want to go it will show in your face that you don't want to be there.

alicet · 08/06/2007 22:01

Yes just read she has kids! She is being a bit inconsiderate then but I guess its her wedding so she does have the right to celebrate when and where she chooses. However if you have already discussed your difficulties with her and she has made a decision to have it at a time when you can't go she is either totally oblivious (some people are very wrapped up in themselves!!!) or genuinely doesn't mind if you can make it or not.

Therefore in your shoes I would probably stay at home

Spider · 08/06/2007 22:04

NQC if I may be so bold and play the shrink, you obviously have ishoos with your sister which have never been dealt with and since you live a long way away you've decided they need never be. Perhaps you're right, but I can't help thinking that it would be a generous gesture on your part to go to her wedding, and may well go some way to healing your relationship a little.

just because we don't address these difficulites, doesn't mean they aren't festering away at some level inside us.

That's my experience, but feel free to disregard or laugh our loud if it's inappropriate here.

Genidef · 08/06/2007 22:06

I've had too many friends who have pulled three line whips over parties abroad etc. If you're planning something and inviting people internationally sometimes they just can't make it. If you've got two kids to think of, I think she needs to give you a break. It's not terribly reasonable to expect you to pull them out for a week during school or to be coming alone and dealing with child care for that length of time- esp when you're abroad.

Can you tell I'm an only child though?

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 08/06/2007 22:08

Oh, I don't get on very well with my sister, she gets on my nerves. I don't think the issues are so much historical as a matter of us not having much in common now, and getting on each other's last nerve.

Money is part of the problem, too - they know we have some, so expect us to do all the running and hassle. I keep meaning to visit less often, tbh, but this year is a big high school reunion, so I am going back, again.

OP posts:
BonyM · 08/06/2007 22:12

Disagree with Twig - only one of dh's brothers came to our wedding (he has 3), and it wasn't a big issue for any of us. He's not that close to them, and it's never caused any family arguments that I'm aware of.

Don't go - just send a really nice gift. My view is that if it was that important to her that you are there, she would have arranged it for a time when she knew you would be able to make it.

oooggs · 08/06/2007 22:15

We all live in Devon/Cornwall. My brother is getting married in Greece in July 2008. I doubt very much we will be going. Ds will be 5 and the dt's 16 months. I am not going on my own making dh take leave to look after all dc's and if we could afford a holiday I wouldn't choose Greece.

Yes he came to our wedding in Florida 8 years ago but his share was subsidised by our parents and he didn't have a young family.

do what you want NQC.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/06/2007 11:09

NQC

Weddings, like funerals, in my experience can bring on all sorts of difficulties with family relations.

I was wondering what you meant in your original post when you wrote that "she can't get married in the summer". If they already have two children why are they leaving it till January?. Its not as if they'll all be able to stand outside and have photos taken outside is it?. (I know how freezer like cold Toronto gets in January!).

I would agree with a previous comment made that some people do get a bit wrapped up in themselves and thus get put out when a relation cannot attend (often for good reason like in your case).

I would send a nice gift over along with your best wishes.

fleacircus · 09/06/2007 14:08

Maybe she really wants a small wedding and she's hoping a lot of the family will stay away?

RubberDuck · 09/06/2007 14:19

Go for the weekend.

I did once for a friend's wedding in South Africa as we were both working on the same team and weren't allowed concurrent time off. It was ridiculously expensive, intensely knackering but bloody hell it was a riot and wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Plus it was really fun swanning around airily mentioning that we'd just "popped over for the weekend" and watching the amazed reactions we got .

Go on. Leave the kids behind as well if you can and feel decadent - deal with the jet lag later.

3sEnough · 09/06/2007 14:25

Gotta go - it's your sister - have a few days off and just enjoy the time away (I'd kill to sit on my own on a plane for hours!!)

squiffy · 09/06/2007 14:38

Shoot me down, but I think you are being unreasonable. If there are loads of people flying in from all over, then holding the wedding during school vacations will make flights and hotel costs miles more expensive for everyone. This way those with kids can choose whether or not to bring them, and no-one gets stung by the extra costs of travelling in the holidays. Taking the kids out of school for a few days won't harm them if it's done as a one-off.

If it clashed with something huge like maybe your childs' first day at school then maybe there's a case for being put out, but as it is, it is entirely up to them when they want to get married, and if they want to do it all in the snow then so be it - the hotel/reception they've picked may be booked up for years in advance during the summer, or it just might be the anniversary of the first time they snogged or whatever. Doesn't matter - it's their party.

I had to miss a wedding I would have loved to attend because it was held in a malaria zone (on a whim of the bride), and I had a baby, and I've had to attend weddings that have really inconvenienced me (including a weekend in Carlisle that necessitated flying in from Johannesburg and catching trains all over the country - just for the weekend), and even worse I've attended weddings where I really feel awkward being there for one reason or another but haven't found a decent excuse not to go. Weddings are always a pain in the butt for one or two people, and I bet yours was too (even if no-one ever told you).

I think you should see if you can fit in a couple of days' skiing, look forward to a few days away from the kids and try to chill about it all.

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 09/06/2007 16:22

Hmm, I don't think anyone else is flying over. Well, maybe our brother, but that's inside Canada.

They can't get married in the summer because her DP is a builder, and is very very busy in summer.

I did make clear to her, before, that I can do autumn, and I can do Easter, and I can do summer, and the rest of the time is tricky.

(Oh, and I don't ski.)

This is partly all tied up in the fact that I come visit every fucking year, and nobody from my family ever helps sort out my accommodation, or, in fact, anything to do with my trip. I don't even really want to go to the city my family is in.

It will be miserable and pointless in January.

I should probably say, this is not going to be a big fancy wedding, this will be ... well ... I don't think I will enjoy it. My sister and I don't have much in common. (And no, I don't only enjoy big fancy weddings. I don't know how to explain why it will be bad. And I despair of the idea of meeting her DP's family, who sound abysmal.)

OP posts:
saadia · 09/06/2007 16:27

Crikey, well, I think if you don't want to go then don't. But why don't you like her dp?

edam · 09/06/2007 16:30

Buy her a lovely, really extravagent present. And tell her how terribly sorry you are that you can't go in January.

kimi · 09/06/2007 16:36

Nothing useful to add, sorry,
However, I have always wanted to go to canada and will go on your behalf if you like , I also love weddings.

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 09/06/2007 16:37

Yes, I can do lovely present and so on.

Her DP is just deeply annoying. He is full of very strong (stupid, wrong) opinions. He believes in Stranger Danger to a ludicrous degree (always talking to their kid about it ). He has a real chip on his shoulder about not being educated.

I find him breathtakingly annoying.

DH has so much patience for whoever is with my sister, generally, as he figures they're both in the same boat, iyswim. But he can't stand her DP either.

(To be fair, all the previous ones were dreadful, too. And he has stayed with my sister, through a surprise early pregnancy etc. He does his best to support the family.)

OP posts:
Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 09/06/2007 16:38

This is not going to be a wedding as British people understand it.

It's being held in a community hall. It will not be that nice, imo.

OP posts:
pointydog · 09/06/2007 16:39

You are being unreasonable.

You have reasons for being unreasonable which makes it understandable, but still unreasonable.

newgirl · 09/06/2007 19:55

sounds like the summer is a perfect time to go instead - her dp will be busy and you could spend time with her and her kids

having read all you have said i think maybe phone her and ask if she minds you missing it and if you can come in the summer instead to spend time with her.

if she gets upset, or your dad, then i think i would go - can you imagine how we would feel if our children did not want to go to each other's weddings/celebrations?

DulwichDolly · 09/06/2007 19:59

Family is very important in our lives. The memories of the wedding and spending time with her will be with you forever.

I would never miss my sister;s wedding for anything in the world!

Family, sometimes inconvinient but worth the effort!

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 09/06/2007 20:01

Yes, I remember her last wedding, it sucked.

I think, because I have always come back in the summer, it's not seen as me making any effort, iyswim.

Actually, there's a lot of imbalance of effort between my sister and I - I always bring birthday/Christmas gifts when I come visit, for her and her child (children now). I get ... nothing ...

I just don't feel like always making all the effort. I'm tired of it. And yeah, I should probably say as much, but given that all my conversations with my sister involve her going on and on about how much her life sucks (while making various digs at any and all life choices I have made ), I'm not sure I see the point.

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