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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be boggled at my sister expecting me to come to her wedding in the middle of the school year ...

144 replies

NotQuiteCockney · 08/06/2007 21:04

My sister told me on the phone, she's (probably) getting married Jan 26th, next year. Ok, this is lots of notice. But it's in Toronto, and at a bloody stupid time. I'm sick of going to Canada, honestly, and what am I meant to do? Go for the weekend? Leave the kids at home? What?

The whole thing has me annoyed, tbh. I know she can't get married in the summer, when I normally come, I understand that. But easter or autumn would be a lot easier for me.

I just figured she didn't really care about me coming, but she sounded a bit put out when I said I'd have a hard time coming.

She came over for my wedding, true, but I scheduled my wedding to be convenient for everyone attending!

It probably doesn't help that I can't stand her DP ...

OP posts:
collision · 09/06/2007 21:55

Oooh! I am so glad you like my idea

[sucking up cos I think you might be in a mood that people think you should go!]

At least she will think you care a bit if you made an effort and I am sure you could handle her friends for a couple of hours and drink a lot!

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 09/06/2007 21:57

I'm not in that much of a mood - I do think that people who have close/guilt-making families are more likely to think I must go (which is what DH initially thought, the first time around, and kept being horrified that I was considering not going ... and is what my ILs will think when they find out about this ...)

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 09/06/2007 22:19

In most close families there is consultation. My brother asked for dates to avoid for all of us very well in advance and they even made it in Easter holidays so the children didn't miss school.

bran · 09/06/2007 22:21

Any reason why your ILs might need to know that your sister is getting married? I'm sure it'll come out eventually but hopefully it'll be several years from now.

No information given, no opinion received. Works for my inlaws.

Genidef · 09/06/2007 22:25

NQC
I've got a guilt making family, which is why I feel pretty adamant you resist it!!

I'm from the US and we're ALWAYS the ones travelling for a day to get tehre. Give up loads of holidays practically, like some sort of tax. My grandma - DD's great - is 92 - want her to know her, am telling myslef that's why we do it, think i'll be better about insisting we have time on our own later on...

my parents have free air travel too.

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 10/06/2007 06:58

Xenia, if my sister had asked about dates and been able to get married at a convenient time, I would absolutely go. I don't like travel, I don't like her partner, but I would respect that she'd made an effort, and I'd go.

Genidef, I'm really tired of our main (often only) holiday every year being a trip to Canada, quite a bit of which is stressful and unpleasant. I'm also tired of organising it all (flights, three sets of accommodation, etc etc). Last year the organising was a total total nightmare and I swore I'd change to going home every other year ... but my 20-year high school class reunion is this year, so I'm going ...

OP posts:
RubberDuck · 10/06/2007 09:33

I think it being a second marriage makes a huge difference tbh, and with the further info you've given about your relationship then I now no longer think you're being unreasonable

What I do now think though is that this isn't just about the wedding and that there are other issues brewing that need to be seen to. Not getting any presents for your dcs at christmas when you give them stuff is, imo, quite shocking - even a small token gift would be better than that. Don't know about you, but I never mind myself missing out on "stuff" but kids are too little to understand why X hasn't got them anything for their birthday/christmas, especially when a close family relation.

Of course, all these issues would probably be best dealt with way AFTER the wedding, otherwise it could be just interpretted as a sulk because you didn't get your own way with the dates, iyswim.

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 10/06/2007 09:38

Well, the Xmas thing is partly down to everyone being disorganised. My sister has never sent me things - I've sometimes ordered things from Canadian shops and got them sent to her.

Until my mom died, she would always post me a box at Xmas.

But I do always bring gifts when I come, seeing them as a late Xmas thing.

This year, my dad has said it's pointless to post things (I do agree) and we should do Xmas when we're all together. Presumably this way, my sister can't 'forget' to get us things?

OP posts:
Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 10/06/2007 22:24

Oh dear god she has bedbugs again.

OP posts:
agnesnitt · 10/06/2007 23:08

I'd jump at the chance, but that's because there's hockey available in Toronto at that time of year

If you don't want to go, don;t go. It's not worth it if you're not going to enjoy it.

Agnes

kslatts · 11/06/2007 09:18

I think it is unreasonable to expect your sister to arrange a date to suit you as it's her day.

If it was my sister I would not miss it, my first choice would be to take dc's out of school for a week, especially at 3 and 6 so they could also enjoy it, if that wasn't possible I would go on my own.

kitbit · 11/06/2007 15:28

if you can square it with your sister imo that's the important bit, anyone else who has an opinion based on their own family dynamic can bog off. As long as you and your sister are OK with whatever you decide to do. Weddings are such a minefield, everyone gets so SENSITIVE. Sometimes people just can't be there, that's all there is to it.

lizziemun · 11/06/2007 16:51

I don't think your are being unreasonable, but then i think just because you invite people to your wedding you shouldn't expect then to come even if they are in the same country.

My sister got married in Jamaica and only had witness from the hotel, they didn't ask any family because they knew A) we wouldn't be able to afford to go and B) they had the wedding they wanted.

On the other hand i got married in Herts and gave both my brother and dad (they lived milton keynes and northampton do not that far to travel) 18 months notice and they both decided not to come and go on holiday aboard, but it didn't upset us on our day.

Some families just don't have a close relationship were they would drop every thing and go to a wedding whereever it was being held.

Blu · 11/06/2007 16:52

I think the bedbugs are the clincher.

Sweettalkinmum · 11/06/2007 16:56

Yes you are being unreasonable. ' But easter or autumn would be a lot easier for me'. OMG! It's her wedding, she should be able to have it when she wants.

motherinferior · 11/06/2007 16:59

Good grief, woman, of course you...

...shouldn't go.

Weddings. FFs. And anyway it's yet another transbloodycontinental flight of the sort that is horribly polluting. To go to a freezing country. No question. Stay home, in the warm, send her a present.

motherinferior · 11/06/2007 17:00

Funerals, now, funerals are different things.

Blu · 11/06/2007 17:02

Those of you who think she should have her wedding whenever she likes - do you really think so? Without consultation, if a family are all on different continents with children in school? Surely consultation would be good if the family's attendance is important to the bride?? or do weddings trump absolutely every other consideration?

Blu · 11/06/2007 17:04

Steady, MI, steady! You are tempting some bad taste comments...

Sweettalkinmum · 11/06/2007 17:06

But then surely the family should consider the bride, as it is her wedding and understand that she should be able to get married when she wants.

Blu · 11/06/2007 17:15

And take the kids out of school and travel to canada, etc etc.

Bloody weddings and their high status sense of entitlement. If you want your family at the wedding, make sure it is possible for them to attend without unreasonable, avoidable obstacles. Surely NCQs sister could have waited until the UK half term?

Sweettalkinmum · 11/06/2007 17:21

And then if she waited till the Uk half term, some other bloody family member would probably say they can't come. You can't win. I say let her have her special day when she wants and if the family can make it then great.

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 11/06/2007 17:32

My sister didn't come to my wedding because she couldn't see herself flying over the Atlantic with a baby. I undertood her reasons totally, more so because at the time, I didn't know that longhaul trips with kids were not really that difficult.

So, I didn't mind about her not coming, not at all but... I really minded about her going all offended about us not organising a wedding to fit her needs when we all knew very well that the main reason to get married in DH's was that to get married locally DH would have had to take a 4 months leave from his job to cope with the local redtape, and the stupid fussiness of my diocese.

So, I think you are not being ireasonable about not wanting to go (my relationship with my sister is very similar to yours) but don't say anything about your needs not being considered, someway I suspect that if she had planned the wedding for the summer you would not be happy about the time either (more expensive, clashing with your high school reunion, etc).

Zazette · 11/06/2007 17:33

Am I the only person who thinks this idea that she can't get married in the summer because her dp will be busy at work is just a little weird? He works 7 days a week for months on end on building projects that are so absolutely vital to the survival of the planet that they can't even be delayed by one day? Perhaps if he got over himself, more reasonableness would flourish all round.

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 11/06/2007 17:39

Oh, he's on his own little planet, tbh.

I'm not annoyed at her not having the wedding at a time that suits me. It's her wedding. I am a bit annoyed that she seems to expect me to magically swallow time, money and hassle to come, when she hasn't consulted me about any of it.

To be fair, there aren't family all over the world. There's me, here. There's our brother, who is in Canada, and whose children are old enough to be left, afaik.

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