AIBU to say DD can't stay at home and quit her job?

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Hello,

My daughter is 20 and doing an Access to HE course. She just started it this year.

She works in a supermarket 2 days a week (only 12 hours in total).

She has her college on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. She is off the other days. Works 6 hours Monday and Sunday. She cannot change her shifts as that was the initial plan, but her manager can't do that as no availability.

She is saying her Monday is far too difficult. She gets up at 6am - home at 4pm and goes to work at 5pm-11pm. However, this is the only day she has to do this. The Tuesday and Wednesday are college and she does the other shift on the Sunday.

She isn't allowed to drop to one shift and cannot swap any shifts, so the only option would be for her to leave.

AIBU to say she can't stay at home and not continue the job?

Genuinely please. This is quite difficult as I have 2 older DC who moved out at 18 for uni and never lived back at home again, so I don't know the best way for this.

20 year olds can be much younger these days
Dare I say it, but it seems to be something with the idea that actually functioning as an adult seems to have been socially delayed in places until early 20s.
You might go to college and work hard, but you might mess on, you might revise for a levels or you might decide study leave is an idea time for a girls holiday and then end up retaking a year. You might work on your coursework and keep your placement files up to date, or You might not and expect a tutor to help You complete basic tasks you've been too lazy to do. You might go to university, but then I'm not sure so I'll take a gap year where I could get a job and look for relevant work experience or I could bum around the place at home working a couple of shifts and acting like an overgrown child. And so on.

It's obviously not everyone, but there seems to be an increasing period of extended adolescence where some young adults seem to think the world should offer them a safety net whilst the ponder about how they're going to find themselves.

Young people need to learn that life requires hard work. Monday just one day. I worked all day and went to a second job every night when I was 22-30. It set me up and did me no harm. Couldn’t do it now at 54 though.

The Monday does sound fairly long but not un-doable for once a week. It won't kill her. When I was at university I had to do similar days regularly, and so did most of my student friends. It's just one of the things that you sort of have to put up with while working and studying.

I did my access at age 21. I was I. College 5 days a week and worked 7 days a week over two jobs. Some days I would work before and after college. I was not lucky enough to have the option to not work as I had to pay the rent. It was hard but I did it because I knew it would lead to a better life. Remind her how luck she is and to ether find a new job or stop complaining. She’s 20 not 12.

Oddly enough, for all of the people saying, she should leave the job and concentrate on college, the people on our course who worked, many full time or near full time hours, have finished the course and majority of them with distinction. The ones who didn't manage and either dropped out or got bad grades were the ones who didn't work. With about 1 or 2 people as an exception in each large group. I've just realised that it's quite interesting phenomenon. Maybe because the ones working had more drive? More motivation to do well because they didn't want to do this job for ever? Not sure why, but they (we) really did better.

Why can't she just look for another part time job with more convenient shifts?

My DS is only 16 and got a job recently after spending all of half a day looking. There are loads of jobs at the moment because shops are recruiting Christmas temps.

When I was at uni studying teacher training I regularly did my evening shifts at Woolworths after a whole day of teaching practise. I was allowed to ask the uni to place me locally rather than put me on the 7am bus which returned at 5pm - my shift started at 5pm. I worked 2 evenings after teaching and also a longer Saturday afternoon/evening shift. I was shattered but living away from home and needed the money.

When I was in sixth form I was told to get a Saturday job as my pocket money/allowance would stop. First year I worked 2 full days in a shop and struggled to keep up with homework. The second year I got a new job for just the Saturday which gave me the time I needed at the weekend to study. I do really think though that my 3 E grades were due to working.

On the other hand I am currently now a single parent. I work 2 days as a teacher and attend uni 1 day for my masters. This is manageable and I need the other 2 days in the week to do the work for uni and look after my children.
OP, your DD is doing a course. The days she’s not at college she should really be using to work on her assignments. If you can afford to keep her then you should allowed her this time. If you need her to contribute to the household income then he’ll her find another jobs that fits around the course better.

IMO - she is only 20 so she has not been out of education for long and the access to HE are not full on. My friend did one as a mature student who had been out of education for years and found it a doddle - no exams to worry about and lots of time for coursework.

One day a week working hard will not kill her and she has Thursday and Friday to fully recover/do coursework etc. I am assuming she has no other commitments child etc since many on these access courses have jobs/children/housework to contend with as well and manage.

Perhaps as others have said - find another job before quitting that one - it is only 12 hours a week and the course only 3 days. You cannot afford to carry her and would do her good to realise that

PSI should have said my friend did her access course with 3 children and a part time job to juggle and a young person with only herself to look after should be able to manage it

Indeed "OftenHangry Fri 14-Sep-18 08:25:25
Oddly enough, for all of the people saying, she should leave the job and concentrate on college, the people on our course who worked, many full time or near full time hours, have finished the course and majority of them with distinction." totally agree - my friend on paper had so much to juggle children/work/access course/housework etc and again she was motivated and made it work. She also said some of the young people or people with little else to do struggled to get things in on time... perhaps the more you have to do focusses the mind? Who knows

@Boulty exactly the same. As far as I know, and lets face it everyone always knows, none of the working students asked for extension on deadlines. The other group on the other hand... Completely different story.
I think it might be work ethic. Even if you work part time, you get it to some extent and so it shows on your study work as well.

Just read this to my 18 year old son. Hes at College Mon - Thurs & works Sat & Sun in local supermarket cafe. His answer was ... Just tell her to get on with it. If i had every Fri & Sat off i would be absolutely buzzing. Its only one long day a week. Shes young. Its not going to kill her. She has othr days to veg about. Shes not studying a degree so i doubt theres too much extra work. ... His words not mine. ...Hes on his 3rd year at college and has worked all through those years. One year on all his days off..so between college & work he had no free days. He managed. Tell her to suck it up. Life isnt always about what you want.

I think that looking at the longer term, if the job is negatively affecting the dd’s course, then quitting the job (but looking for another one) and passing the course is better than keeping the job but failing the course. Also if the other dc in the family have taken a more conventional route to uni then perhaps this dd has found things tougher and just needs a bit more support. (Just from the context of the access course at 20 as opposed to A levels and then uni at 18, I know I could be wrong.)

Yanbu...my ds19 works 12 hours days and nights shifts plus travelling 1 hour each way driving ....5 days a week...your daughter is a grown up...it ain't fun & it ain't pretty welcome to the real world.

I agree with others...she’s only young & im surecan manage these hours. My daughter went to college full time ( I use this term loosely as it wasn’t what I would call full time just 3 days a week) & also had a full time job as a sales assistant in a jewellery store. Yes she was tired sometimes but it gave her a good grounding for adult life!! It also gave her the money to buy nice clothes a car & a couple of holidays a year. It made her realise if you worked hard you could have nice things & at 20 years old she’d saved a deposit for a house & was able to buy & stop renting. Also her employer was impressed with her work ethic and she got promotion & a pay rise. I know this isn’t for all & some prefer to travel etc instead of settling down.

Only way DD should leave is once she has found another job. Will her college days not perhaps change from term to term? She coukd well land up not being in college on a Monday. At 20 she should be able to cope as her hours stand and fit in some studying during the week. Take it she has no other responsibilities.

Sorry I haven't read all the replies. I work in a supermarket most of the people on backstory ie 5-11 have either been at school/college/uni all day or been at home looking after babies/preschoolers with no break. I had colleagues doing teaching at uni who would be in the classroom from 8-3 then work 5-10 and they still had to write there essays etc.

If she can't cope with the workload I'd encourage her to find a new job first, it's easier to get a job when you have a job.

*back shift not backstory

I work in a secondary school and with each year that passes I get more despondent about the way some of the young people think when it comes to hard work. Not everyone of course but a lot of them moan at being asked to do ANYTHING beyond the bare minimum required to get an average grade. It’s quite shocking to hear kids saying that they didn’t have time to do their homework as they went out on their bike, or because they had to play on Fortnite because their mates were all on. They say it with no trace of irony or shame. Yes I know kids should be able to be kids but when you suggest that they do their homework first and THEN go on their x box or whatever some of them look at you in horror. It is shocking. Priorities all wrong. And despite their minimal effort with school work their parents really spoil them with material things, so they grow up not realising that you have to work if you want things in life.

Many of them pull a face at the voluntary aspect of D of E. I’ve had kids expecting me to sign them off after doing only half the required hours.

Honestly I think we are raising a generation of pampered work shy young people on the whole. The ones who do work hard work VERY hard and are so impressive but stick out like a sore thumb!

Re what others are saying on this thread about OP’s daighter’s hours. Why are people shocked at her getting up at 6am? I don’t know many people who get up much later than this each day if they are working, it’s quite normal. I’m laughing at the people who think others are bragging about how hard they work/ed.

Interestingly, I went to uni when you still had tuition fees paid for and as my parents were welll off I was totally spoilt with them providing for me. I didn’t get a job till my final year and even then it was only 4 hours on a Saturday and Sunday nights. I look back now in my mid-40s with a family and both DH and I working full time and laugh at how lazy I was. But the student finance system allowed it then. It doesn’t now so times have changed with regards to what is the norm.

By the way, on the subject of 20 year olds and being knackered or not. On a Saturday I used to go out clubbing after I’d finished work at 10pm and get in at 3am. Same when I started work and was dating DH. Work all day on a Wed then club till 2am, get up at 6.30M next for full day’s work. The thought of doing that now fills me with horror but at that age I was a bit tired the next day but still did it every week. I think when we’re older we forget how much energy 20 year olds have!

I do wonder whether the people on here who are horrified at this young woman’s hours do themselves work full time or not. Having only worked part time when my kids were little I honestly didn’t know how lucky I was at the time and what most other people did who worked full time. I have a lovely friend now who doesn’t work at all. Yes she does all the housework while her DH does the earning but it does make me laugh when she moans anlut what a busy and stressful day she’s had because she had to fit a supermarket shop and Dentist in around doing some work in the garden.

Wow, when I did GCSEs I was at school Monday to Friday, had a weekend job 9-1730 Saturday and Sunday, and worked in a petrol station Thursday, Saturday and Sunday 1800-2200...
Yes it was too much in the end, but I did it for over a year. Stopped the petrol station coming up to exams and A levels though.

I'd tell her she can quit when she finds another job! Isn't there anyone at work she can swap a shift with? Even only occasionally might help her

I've had 4 17 year olds trial at my work over the last year, ONE of them is good, has a great work ethic and actually wants some spare cash. Interestingly she is not of British parentage and her parents have very labour intensive long hours jobs themselves. The other 3, jesus christ, they were like 12 year olds, amongst the various reasons we didn't keep them on (and believe me I try so hard to be nice, gentle, encouraging etc, after all we need staff!), was that one was incapable of ringing themselves to ask wht their start time was, one had their mums mobile number on their cv as they were nervous about answering phone calls, one literally hadn't made a cup of tea or coffee in her life, one asked if she could finish at 8 instead of 8.30 as getting home at 9 was too late, her dad said. I'm not making this shit up!!

Jeanclaudejackety
I can believe it.
I had a 6th former who couldn't meet a deadline (they have frees to study and do work) because they were busy at the weekend and were tired on Sunday night.

I also know of a friend of a friend in their early 20s who keeps changing job every time there's something they don't like as 'it's not supposed to be stressful' whilst complaining they weren't paid enough for the drama (no drama, they just have to work for their pay and sometimes they are tired after work). I got my tongue and thanked my lucky stars they're only someone I see at occasional social events as every time I see them there's some work drama they tell us all.

Also had a girls dad sit outside in his car staring in for her 2 hour trial shift. That was just frigging weird. Maisypops I remember sixth form days trying to get last nights homework done in my morning free because I'd done a shift then an hour at the pub the night before, I sometimes got my self in hot water through lack of organisation but I always pulled it off somehow! Late nights and early mornings mainly haha.

Monday does sound like a shit day, but she’s an adult ffs! If she doesn’t like it then she needs to look and get another job before handing in her notice like any other normal adult would do

At 16 i frequently had coll 830-430 and then went straight to work till 7 ( and later at xmas).
Its one day a week, she’ll be fibe.