AIBU to say DD can't stay at home and quit her job?

[SecurityPesto]

Hello,

My daughter is 20 and doing an Access to HE course. She just started it this year.

She works in a supermarket 2 days a week (only 12 hours in total).

She has her college on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. She is off the other days. Works 6 hours Monday and Sunday. She cannot change her shifts as that was the initial plan, but her manager can't do that as no availability.

She is saying her Monday is far too difficult. She gets up at 6am - home at 4pm and goes to work at 5pm-11pm. However, this is the only day she has to do this. The Tuesday and Wednesday are college and she does the other shift on the Sunday.

She isn't allowed to drop to one shift and cannot swap any shifts, so the only option would be for her to leave.

AIBU to say she can't stay at home and not continue the job?

Genuinely please. This is quite difficult as I have 2 older DC who moved out at 18 for uni and never lived back at home again, so I don't know the best way for this.

YANBU at all! Studying and working - and sometimes having to do crazy hours for a period of time - is what most students do. Her monday is tough when you take in to account that she also works sundays, but she has a free thursday and friday. This is adult life and her setup doesn't sound particularly hard for me!

Ooh can I chip in here.

I used to do a full day of work then go and work in a bar in the evening - BUT - I wasn't also studying which I think involves a particular level of concentration.

However - I do genuinely remember loving that time of my life - I loved my day job which was in the industry I was passionate about getting into - then I loved getting up and out and being in a bar on my feet all evening chatting to people - I remember feeling totally energised by having two jobs!

BUT - I would also not throw a young adult out just because they want to change jobs.

The grown up thing to do would be sit her down and look at what other work options she has - and whether they would really be better off - we need to teach thinking skills to young people.

I made so many bad decisions as a young person - I think it is a real gift to learn to think things over carefully and make sensible decisions.

OMG.

My eyes have rolled so many times reading through this thread.

Yes, I worked some shit hours when I was younger. But it was hardly ideal for a healthy work-life balance or for efficient time spent studying.

If I were in her shoes, I'd be wanting a change too! And if my parents could comfortably support me in the short term while I looked, I'd be very appreciative of them to do so. (Not talking about spare money for drinking, going out, but rather the necessities of life!)

GoatWoman Thu 13-Sep-18 13:58:03
Gosh some of you sound so cold. Why would you want things to be so hard for your kids.

I'd consider myself an utter failure if I couldn't pay for 'food and bathroom things' for my child who's studying. I want her to be the best she can be and enjoy life whilst she's at it.
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Quite agree. There's a lot of, "....in my day I had to...", stuff but that's hardly relevant to nowadays.

The girl has been working, quite hard by the sound of it, and will probably get another job so the op is being a bit premature.

Talking about her daughter not being allowed to stay at home if she has no job (where's she supposed to go if has no money?), and moaning about feeding her and providing toiletries beggars belief. A student's earnings are meant to supplement their allowance, ie for extras, not to pay for 'keep'. Presumably she was 'kept' by mother/parents when she was at school, it surely doesn't hurt for that to go on longer.

Is it intended to be a full time course, like a university course. If so, 12 hours a week during term time is a lot.

Are there no student loans or grants available for her? If she could take a loan for living expenses and not work during term time, then that is her decision.

Do you/she really need the extra money? Would it be sufficient if she just worked in the holidays? You could lend her some spends to get her through this term if need be.

Yanbu
I worked night shifts at sixth form college

It is in no way as challeging as a university course.

I think a few people are conflating 'is this doable' with 'is it a good idea in the circumstances'.

Goat so parents who cannot fund their adult children are failures?
Wow.
Dont think its everyone else who are cold...

I was listening to some 6th formers on the bus.
One girl said she's having payment problems from one of her 3 jobs. 3! Plus studying.

I don't know how demanding an access course is, but i know from experience, many parents cannot fully support their adult children.

The OP daughter should job hunt then resign when she's got something she's happier with. She'd be miserable with no money.

she has three full days off a week, yes Mondays awful but its not forever, as you said the college terms are short, seems she has to either stick with it or find something else, before quitting, but she should consider if she finds another job she could be working Saturday's and Sundays , I know i'd rather have a hard day and three off than 6 days busy, but then I haven't got the stamina of a 20 year old. Situation at work could change in a heartbeat if someone else wants to leave or change shifts so she should keep talking to her co-workers to know if something else might become available,

"The OP's daughter is doing 12 hours a week and from what I can understand does not have to work or go to college on Thursday or Friday so I am at a loss as to how this would interfere with her study. "

I think we need to know how her Access to HE course works though. Are those days where she doesn't go to college leisure time or are those days where she is not timetabled to go to college because she has reading or essay-writing to do?

I did an access to HE course, which was 3 evenings per week from 6-9 plus I worked a full time job with a horrendous commute.

It was bloody hard, but ultimately doable. I think she's being lazy. Yes the Monday sounds tough but it's 1 days per week. She needs to just get on with it imo.

Sorry for delay. Her days off will need to be spent on her assignments and stuff, I think the course recommends up to 26 hours of outside the classroom study, suggesting at least 13.

DD has actually said to me today that she doesn't think she'd like not having a job as she didn't realise how much petrol cost would be/lunch, etc. She also thinks having the solid days off to plan a study timetable might be easier than fitting a few hours randomly.

So I think she came up with the answer on her own!

@irregularegular it's not THAT demanding tbh. It's level 3. Expected hours spent by learning at college and at home doing readings and assignments are 20-25 a week. At least humanities were.
There are no maintenance loans for access.
Majority of people work often full time during their Acess, because it's for adults needing the qualification.

If she has to drive 55 mins for a 9am start she could easily leave at 0730 which does NOT necessitate being up at 0600 (biased because I can and have made it from bed to car in under 5 mins when I used to do on call as a community midwife! even now I get up 30 mins before needing to leave). She could sleep 0000-0700 easily and that's not unreasonable. A 55 min drive isn't too bad and gives you a chance to wake up etc. Get in at 0830, time for a coffee and a wee before lectures start. A 6 hour shift at the other end of the day isn't really that bad either.

All the people saying the OP needs to just pay for her daughter- she is 20. Not 16 or even 18. She's not studying full time so I think there should be some expectation that she pays towards her keep. But also it's possible that the OP can't actually afford to pay all expenses for another adult in the house with no income of their own. If the DD gives up her job then she won't have any money to spend at all and won't be entitled to any benefits so what's she going to do, just sit in her house all day and get her mum to pay for everything when she does go out?

@SecurityPesto that's great!
It has been only few weeks, she will see how it goes.

Cross posted! Yes, once you realise how much everything is then you do start wanting more agency over your own money. It's the shit thing of realising you will have to work some hours you'd rather not, tempered with the fact you can then afford to buy things 😂

And if my parents could comfortably support me in the short term while I looked, I'd be very appreciative of them to do so

My dad is minted but insisted I got a job when I was at school and uni. And I’m glad he did. It taught me the value of money and hard work and gave me some pride in my self.

OK, in that case yes, she really should be working too - or at least doing something else constructive with her time (other training, volunteering, depending on how much you need the money).

She needs to talk to the manager and see about getting her shift changed.

To be honest though, she doesn't even HAVE to go to college for the access course... you can do them online with an Advanced learner loan which I believe gets written off if she goes on to uni. A lot of people work full time and do the course via distance learning.

With these shift patterns she's getting less than 6 hours sleep a night prior to two of three college days.

2/3 of her education could be suffering.

If I was you I'd help her out as much as possible, if you can't afford to pay her food and toiletries tell her this. If she is working 12 hours a week, assuming minimum wage, that is £70 a week. essentials don't cost this so is it more her spending money you are worried about? or does she pay rent/bills too? Literally letting her live in your house is not costing you anything.

If possible I'd take the financial hit to help her out, if I could afford it, and if she is a responsible student. It's not long and it's a very important time for her.

The problem is that it sounds like it's Sunday - 5pm to 11pm, then up at 6am; work/study pretty much til 11pm on Monday, then back up on Tuesday at 6am. I'm all for hard work but this is setting her up for failure at her course. Between Sunday and Tuesday it sounds like she's getting a combined 10 hours of sleep.

@kierenthecommunity

Did you read my post?

I said if they could comfortably help me while I looked for another job that wasn't such an impediment to my studies. Not support me fully while I was at school.

Has she ever been at college and then gone out after socially?
Does she cope with that?