AIBU to say DD can't stay at home and quit her job?

[SecurityPesto]

Hello,

My daughter is 20 and doing an Access to HE course. She just started it this year.

She works in a supermarket 2 days a week (only 12 hours in total).

She has her college on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. She is off the other days. Works 6 hours Monday and Sunday. She cannot change her shifts as that was the initial plan, but her manager can't do that as no availability.

She is saying her Monday is far too difficult. She gets up at 6am - home at 4pm and goes to work at 5pm-11pm. However, this is the only day she has to do this. The Tuesday and Wednesday are college and she does the other shift on the Sunday.

She isn't allowed to drop to one shift and cannot swap any shifts, so the only option would be for her to leave.

AIBU to say she can't stay at home and not continue the job?

Genuinely please. This is quite difficult as I have 2 older DC who moved out at 18 for uni and never lived back at home again, so I don't know the best way for this.

Too hard. too much, too harsh? Jaysus, some of you must have had easy lives!
A shift after college, well boo hoo.. I worked twice as many hours as that while in sixth from, and had two jobs while also at university. She doesn't know she's born, the lazy thing.

I agree Monday is a bit brutal but it is only one day a week. When I was doing my A Levels, many moons ago, I had a pt job in McDonalds. I'd have to go to school everyday (I did my A Levels in a high achieving school and we had to stay at school all day even if we only had one lesson that day). The I'd work Thursday evening 5-8pm and also all day Sat and Sunday. So I didn't really have a 'day off' in the week at all. I coped

Yes, everyone else had it shit so we need to make sure the misery continues.

There is a happy medium with more suitable working hours, I'm sure that's what the OP's daughter is looking for. Calling her lazy because she (understandably) feels the pressure from Sun-Tues is really unfair.

She should find a job that suits hours for her

My son is 20 and has just found his "groove" and started a really good 3 yr apprenticeship this year, he has 2 days in college and 3 days in work. He's on a reasonable wage but nothing special and has just got a car loan to get a new car to have reliable transport as the college and work are in a town an hour away and not easily accessible on public transport from where we are. He is responsible for his loan, toiletries and going out money and I am happy to feed and house him for nothing whilst he improves his future prospects. He knows that at the end of his apprenticeship he should have a super job but I won't cut him loose if he doesn't get one. Life is tougher than it was when I was his age in terms of job prospects and home ownership - if we can afford to help our kids (not spoil them) we should - they're the ones that have to look at working into their 70's with poor/no state pension prospects!

I feel like the point here if not the total hours worked, nor the having a job while doing a course, but the way the hours are laid out and the impact this will have on her learning.

Of course it’s possible to do these hours and do her course, but it may we’ll be impacting the quality of work she produces because she will be tired.

The shifts mean she will have to have 2 nights before college of around 6 hours sleep. That lack of sleep will seriously impair her cognitive function the next day and this will impact her college work. If she had a long Wednesday and some work in Tesco on Thursday I would agree that she just needed to get on with it. But education is pointless if you aren’t in a fit state to learn, so being exhausted on contact days renders the course much harder to complete.

And yes, the way the work and college are arranged are awful - let her leave her job at least while she looks for hours that suit.

I think some of the responses on this are shocking - "she's only 20!" "I used to do xyz and I was fine!" OPs daughter has expressed she doesn't want to do the job anymore because it's not working with her studies. If she's doing an Access course, she's going to have a lot of work - just because she has three days off campus doesn't mean she isn't working. Why should her mental health and her grades suffer because OPs mum wants her to keep her job? OP has already said she can afford to support her, so why not just do it?

We can all look back and say that life was much harder for us - I also remember my parents saying that, no doubt their parents said the same to them. However do we want life to be hard for our children? I never did, wanted them to have a smooth, comfortable path as far as possible.

Mine did a one day a week job, more in holidays and not long shifts. Quite sufficient and certainly wasn't expected to pay for stuff at home, still had allowance from us. Friends were the same.

(It would be different if there was real hardship at home of course.)

They'll have enough work pressures when they're older plus plenty of other worries such as paying out a lot for accommodation etc.

Let us facilitate a good life for our grown up children if we can.

@sakura why was it overkill?? The pub was my social life where I got paid to chat to people as I was serving them beer rather than spending my money drinking which I didn't enjoy anyway! I wanted to get a degree but didn't want to go to university full time. I wasn't interested in a hugely active social life involving nightclubs and suchlike as the taxi home always cost a small fortune. I needed the money from the pub work to do activities with the horse and I was also saving to buy a house.

Yes, those were different times (how many 23 year olds could afford a house these days?!) but there was nothing wrong with it.

@blobby10 yawn, give yourself a pat on the back

I never had "bags of energy!!!" even when I was young - its unfair for everyone to assume that just because she's not 50 she has endless energy.
College isn't something you can doze and stare your way through - if shes too tired to concentrate when shes there then what even is the point of going? The hours shes working just dont work at all for the college days shes doing - if it was any evenings from wednesday-saturday then that would work, but sunday/monday are just a disaster for college monday-wednesday.

At 20 I worked a ft day job then 6-12ish in a pub 3 nights.

It's called having a work ethic. If she were mine she'd have to find another job first.

I don’t think YABU with regards to telling her she needs to be in a job. I think that if she doesn’t want to do what she is doing then she just needs to find another job, one that suits her schedule abit better. I was on my own with a child at that age and full time at uni. I did those times everyday, while working on Saturday too, but I had no choice, and it was exhausting. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. However I would expect my child at 20 to support themselves for things that are not necessary. I wouldn’t ask for money from them for rent or food etc but I would expect them to buy their own clothes or use their own money for nights out etc. I also think that it looks good on cv’s if they can work and study as It shows they can manage their own time and will also have some work experience, even if unrelated.

Surely she's a grown woman who can make up her own mind what job she does
And surely her priority should be her course
They have their whole lives to work!

Look, no one is saying it's a race to the bottom but unfortunately working as well as studying is now a way of life - most Uni students are doing it. Demands of work won't get any easier as she gets older.

We can all look back and say that life was much harder for us - I also remember my parents saying that, no doubt their parents said the same to them. However do we want life to be hard for our children? I never did, wanted them to have a smooth, comfortable path as far as possible

I do a bit, yes. They need to understand how the world works, if you cosset them and protect them and make everything comfortable, how are they ever going to learn how to look after themselves? OR are you going to support them and coddle them for ever?

And if the hours of the job are not working for her, the answer is to find a different job, not just give up and do nothing.

She works 5-11 on Sunday, you need to add travelling time on to that, she then leaves at 6 am for a day that is probably going to be 18 hours long, then leaves at 6am the following day.

She doesn't leave at 6am. She wakes at 6am. She starts college at 9am and has an hour's commute.

MeAgain of course the majority of students have to work as well as study, mines off to uni next week and she's been told she'll need a job as well as us supplementing her. But the job needs to be workable around study and contact hours. I would never expect my daughter to work in any old job if it interferes with her studying but I do expect her to find something suitable for a few hours a week so she's reasonably awake during lectures. I don't want her to leave with a 2.2 when she's capable of higher and work being the reason!

When I was at sixth form I was at school from 8 until 4 five days a week, then got the bus to a local shopping centre where I worked 5:30-10:30 or 11, three nights a week and worked a Saturday or Sunday six hour shift. At uni I worked in bars, restaurants and kitchens often until the early hours several nights a week and one day at the weekend as well as competing a degree, rowing for college, and lots of other extra curricular activities and socialising, so did most people I knew. She really hasn't got that much going on and has a lot of time off. She can leave that job when she gets another if she finds it that hard. Most people work and study at the same time.

Oh and none of us found it particularly hard going, it was just what you did to support your lifestyle, and none of my friends got less than a 2:1. We'd often finish a shift around midnight then go to a club, and get up for lectures, or finish a shift at two am then be up and at the boat house for practice by seven. Wish I still had that energy now!

Tbh my worry would be that she's not going to get as much out of the contact time at college if she's tired. Which she will be on 6 hours sleep max for 2 of the 3 days. Most of us here are parents so we've experience on functioning on much less, but that doesn't make it optimum. And sure, someone can suck it up, but they can't make themselves not feel tiredness and opt out of any detriment. As this is an access course, I'm guessing no other significant qualifications? Meaning this should be the priority.

That said, I wouldn't be impressed at her not wanting to apply for seasonal work. Obviously there's no guarantee of anything after it ends, but there's no work now if she quits her current job!

WhirlyGigWhirlyGig The OP's daughter is doing 12 hours a week and from what I can understand does not have to work or go to college on Thursday or Friday so I am at a loss as to how this would interfere with her study. To me this is a very reasonable work/study balance.

Gosh some of you sound so cold. Why would you want things to be so hard for your kids.

I'd consider myself an utter failure if I couldn't pay for 'food and bathroom things' for my child who's studying. I want her to be the best she can be and enjoy life whilst she's at it.