To resent my parents for childhood smacking/discipline?

[ChildhoodSmacking]

I was watching the 'This Morning' debate about the subject earlier and I have also been reflecting on it myself recently.

Do you think smacking can cause resentment or do you think it depends on how it is administered?

I have a very poor relationship with my father, even as an adult, I cannot remember a time where we got along particularly well. The smacking that I experienced was always from lack of control. My parents constantly go on about how I was a very difficult child and wouldn't listen, they suspect I had ODD . I was never hit by my mother, but my dad would on occasion 'lose it' resulting not only in a smack, but also other things like threatening behaviour, throwing things, pushing etc.

I was born in the 90's so it cannot be blamed on a generational thing. Whenever I bring it up with my parents they argue that it 'never did them any harm' and I was a 'very difficult child and teenager.'

I cannot imagine ever smacking my own DC.

I am wondering about other peoples opinion on the subject? Particularly those that were smacked as a child.

I have the same experience and same excuses from parents. IMO it is completely unacceptable especially when done in anger.

Yanbu. it has damaged your relationship with them, which I would see as a consequence and a type of harm.
But they also seem incapable of listening and hearing you so I really question if you were all that difficult as a child. Its just as likely that they have poor communication and parenting skills.

Would you consider counselling? We can't fix the past, but we can work through how we feel about it. You might be able to accept them for who they are, and that they couldn't do any better.

1981 I'd recommend you read the work of Alice Miller. Low level childhood abuse is totally normalised in our society. This does not mean it doesn't have a detrimental effect on us all.

I just wish my mum would be honest about the smacking. She will often claim that I only "needed to be smacked" three times, when I can remember more than three occasions quite clearly and she refuses to elaborate when asked what the three occasions were.

She's sometimes still of the opinion too that smacking is a magical cure-all for every kind of childhood disobedience, which is annoying and patently untrue.

YANBU, I completely understand. I was emotionally abused and neglected and frequently hit by my mother. The hitting broke my trust and made me feel not worth loving and ashamed of myself. No one should physically discipline a child. My parents are much more loving and not violent now but when I have children I will not allow them to care for them. Hitting a child is abuse and it’s absolutely right that it’s now illegal.

YANBU. The thing I can't understand about my experience is that my DM never smacked us: she would wait until my DF got home from work, and tell him to smack us - and he did: hard and repeatedly. I still can't understand how she could encourage him to hit her daughters, and then stand by and watch (he was very heavy-handed with the smacking, and often reduced me to tears when smacking my DSis). I also couldn't understand how DF could walk through the door and start hitting his child to order. And I know that we weren't bad kids. There are many times I've been really angry with DC, but by the time DH is home from work I'm over it. Once I've told DC off, that's it, we move on. I don't smack them.

I don't smack my children. But my parents smacked me (although only very very rarely, to the extent that I actually only remember one occasion, although they tell me that it wasn't the only time). I bear no resentment at all - they were following the accepted norms of the time.

I would bear resentment if they had eg beaten me with a belt (as happened to some of my friends) because frankly I don't think that was the social norm even when I was a child.

I don't actually know anyone of my age who wasn't smacked as a child.

I clearly remember my Dm making me kneel down at her feet, whilst she stood above me and administered an almighty slap across the face. I have a great relationship with her, but have never forgot that. Funnily enough I have never slapped my own Dc's around the face as I remember how I felt.

It’s amazing how many parents get amnesia in older age!

“I never hit you. You make out I abused you or something ”

No, you're quite right to feel as you do. Smacking is a sign of a weak, stupid, self indulgent parent.

Hi OP,

I think all hitting is wrong and should be illegal. However I sort of think there's a difference between losing it and hitting AND smacking in a controlled way. It sounds like your Dad hit you because he lost control, his hitting did not discipline you, it was just him reacting to being annoyed/disturbed by you. It was wrong.

Whether or not you should resent him is a different thing I guess. You're welcome to feel whatever you want to feel about it. It might make you feel better if you gradually forgive them because otherwise you will feel more upset/bitter but totally up to you.

I was also a kid in the 90s and my Dad would lose control and run up the stairs threatening to 'belt me'. I'm not actually sure if he ever did it but it certainly wasn't a good parenting strategy!!

Thank goodness my Father is dead. I remember him giving me the BELT I had to go to school the next morning with 2inch striped bruises up my legs. Even now my BF remembers looking after me. This is just one incident that happened to me and my brothers. This was in the 70's. Things like this you never forget.
I have never hit my DC.

I don’t resent my Mum for smacking me. It was always after fair warning after she’d tried several other things and I’d played her up constantly. I was born in 83 so it was “normal” back then. She was good in all other ways, took us places/holidays, bought us things, read, baked, had a lot of patience etc. I always felt loved and secure etc.

People who say they were smacked as children now see it as abuse

But still have contact with their parents and allow their children to have contact

My parents smacked me as a kid. They’ve never, ever smacked my kids. Once my Dad suggested it and I made it abundantly clear that if he ever did it would be the last time he ever saw them.

The memory of being hurt and humiliated by people who are supposed to love you NEVER leaves you. I am in my 50s now. I never smacked my kids and they are decent, respectful and hardworking young adults. Best of all we have a brilliant and loving relationship. I barely talk to my parents. For every person for whom "it didn't do me any harm" there is another who was harmed. We just get shouted down and bullied into silence by the pro-smackers. We're starting to speak out now. I wish smacking had been banned 50 years ago.

My father would snack all of us. My mother took a delight in telling him any slight misdemeanours that happened during the day and he would smack us all. Hard enough to leave hand prints on us.

I am not in contact with them.

YANBU! I can’t even imagine even shouting at my DD unless completely necessary let alone physically hurting her. Like a PP I remember my mother’s own delight in being able to threaten me with my dad’s actions and make me scared of him.

The level of fear installed in me is terrible. I truly believe that it is a big part of why I ended up in an shit marriage.

I used to say it didn't do me any harm, but I was only parroting my parents. It did me a lot of fucking harm.

I agree. It did do me harm, it was humiliating, cruel and lazy parenting.

Nope. No resentment here. I won't smack my children because things have moved forward.

We seem to be a bit of a superior, know all generation. Just wait till time out is considered exclusion and a form of abuse!

I was smacked as a child by both parents amongst other things but how have they changed their tune now 😂 2 grand kids softened them up

I was smacked as a child (born early 70’s) up until 12/13.

I don’t smack my DS, never have, never will.

It’s never affected my relationship with my DP’s.

Just wait till time out is considered exclusion and a form of abuse!

Yes, that is so comparable with being slapped by someone three times your size, who is supposed to protect you.