To resent my parents for childhood smacking/discipline?

[ChildhoodSmacking]

I was watching the 'This Morning' debate about the subject earlier and I have also been reflecting on it myself recently.

Do you think smacking can cause resentment or do you think it depends on how it is administered?

I have a very poor relationship with my father, even as an adult, I cannot remember a time where we got along particularly well. The smacking that I experienced was always from lack of control. My parents constantly go on about how I was a very difficult child and wouldn't listen, they suspect I had ODD . I was never hit by my mother, but my dad would on occasion 'lose it' resulting not only in a smack, but also other things like threatening behaviour, throwing things, pushing etc.

I was born in the 90's so it cannot be blamed on a generational thing. Whenever I bring it up with my parents they argue that it 'never did them any harm' and I was a 'very difficult child and teenager.'

I cannot imagine ever smacking my own DC.

I am wondering about other peoples opinion on the subject? Particularly those that were smacked as a child.

My Mum would probably say that she gave me the occasional "gentle tap" or some such shit, to defend her behaviour.

It is abuse, it shows a loss of control and is never acceptable. If you wouldn't do it to a stranger on the street, how is it ok to do it to a child?

My Mum once hit me so hard across the face that she burst my lip with her engagement ring. But she never hit us, oh no. Just a tap or smack to the hand.

I swear to God, there must be some sort of memory synapse or something that ceases working once a parent's child reaches a certain age. It never fails to gobsmack me, the horrors that my mother swears blind she does not remember.

YANBU
I resent not the smacking (these were the times when people didn't know any better), but the reasons why - things like not wanting to eat, not wanting to sleep, taking a (expensive) toy outside, getting clothes dirty. Wouldn't call it abuse, but shitty parenting

“Today 19:25 AynRandTheObjectivist

I spend parts of my younger years whacking people when they annoyed me

Yeah, my sister, brother and I very rarely had an argument when we DIDN'T all start pummelling each other. Then my parents would come along and scream, shout and hit us for screaming, shouting and hitting each other.”

Absolutely, I remember sibling violence being awful in the 80s. Me and my sisters and brothers had proper pumelling fist fights, I rammed one of their heads into a wall once. It’s awful looking back. But that’s what we learned

AynRandTheObjectivist This! Although my parents don't outrightly deny, they just minimise and blame me for being a difficult child. Funnily enough, my sister was an angelic child and still received smacks (albeit not as frequently as me). I remember my father reaching across the dinner table one evening and smacking my sister across the face.

I was smacked as a child. Usually one tap on the bum, it wasn't painful so much as stung a bit. We used to ignore my mum a bit when she told us off so it was used as a last resort really. It did always make us think about what we'd done to warrant it - more so than a telling off. Otherwise my parents were loving involved and caring

I don't resent them at all, it was the norm at the time and didn't physically or mentally scar me and we have a great relationship now. I don't smack my own children

Get over it. You are grown up now. Stop being a victim and enjoy your life!!!

I’m not a victim fabulously dont think anyone on here is behaving as one

I enjoy my life very much, really really enjoy it.

I do resent being hit throughout my childhood.

Both these statements are true...

Obviously children are different and some are harder than others. But you know, barring special needs or anything like that, if one child really is so over and above worse than the others, to the point where it's causing rifts in the family and so on....I can't help but think a lot of it is down to parenting.

Because parents like that LOVE telling the scapegoat how awful they are, how much worse they were, if they didn't have as good a childhood as their siblings then it was ALL THEIR FAULT. And, no shit Sherlock, when a child is told that they are inferior, worse, generally less lovable, well, apparently that doesn't make them sweetness and light. Crazy, huh!

Face slapping is always abusive, no two ways about it. But once you've decided smacking is ok when it's "controlled", that's the door you open. And of course, you're the parent so you get to determine when it was "controlled"...

AynRand yup, you’ve hit the nail on the head. I wasn’t a difficult child, I was terrified of putting a foot wrong. I had a hairbrush broken over my head for sleeping in, was thrashed for wetting the bed in my sleep aged two, hit for opening a cupboard and having a glass fly out and break totally out of my control, for looking “funny”, for telling the truth, for crying because it was my first Christmas without my dad (he’d had an affair) etc etc. I think she won’t admit it because she’d have to face up to the fact she was a monster and caused real emotional and physical damage.

Get over it. You are grown up now. Stop being a victim and enjoy your life!!!

Friendly advice: use fewer question marks. The purpose of trolling is to say something outrageous and controversial, but JUST ABOUT plausible, so that people do think this is truly what you think. Adding shitloads of exclamation marks overeggs it and reduces credibility. If not for the excess punctuation, you might have had me.

Bah, did I say "question marks" at first? Bugger.

I remember the few times I was sacked lol I deserved it...I wasn’t abused I was disciplined in a now outdated method.

I've smacked my dc a couple of times each when they were being impossible, out of sheer frustration. My mum smacked me once. My dad just wasn't around much.

I can remember all of those occasions - exactly when and why. I've forgiven my mum for smacking me and my teens and I still talk about the times I smacked them (although only one of them remembers the one occasion). I'll never deny it happened.

One night I was an night bus home and there was a mum with her daughter who was about 10 sitting at the front. It was probably midnight. They were eating KFC and chips. The mum suddenly smacked her daughter around the face because she was annoyed! It was so shocking and I've never forgotten it. I shouted out "don't do that!!" but was ignored.

I think smacking as discipline in a controlled situation is different from losing control and being violent which is what my dad did.

The most humiliating experience was when I brought a friend home from school and we both needed a wee so we raced to the toilet. I got there first. My dad totally lost his temper and started pounding on the door kicking and screaming. I stopped having friends over after that.

He was also violent to Mum but she made excuses for him for years. It’s only now she’s started to see it. Her brothers were hit with belts, it was normal for her. She is still married to him. We are in contact but I would never let him babysit. He has Alzheimer’s. It’s complicated.

I think how damaging it was really depends on the context of the relationship.

I remember being in constant fear of being smacked by my Mum. Even for accidents like accidentally spilling your drink. It would be a slap on the legs, arms, bum and head.

Sometimes she'd really lose it and slap us on one side of the head and then, when my head would fall to one side with the force of the hit, she'd hit me on the other side. This would happen several times.

I never knew what mood she'd be in in the morning and remember feeling relief when she was in a good mood.

The last time she ever went to slap me, I was 17. My 18 year old brother flew towards her (having been at the receiving end of her blows himself) and said threw gritted teeth " don't you hit my sister!" She never touched me again. It was so empowering seeing the fear on HER face when she realised that she was close to being hit back by my brother that day. I love him so much for that. I remember being in tears watching the pain she inflicted on him and feeling powerless to help.

She doesn't see any of her children or her grandchildren. That is the price she paid for the abuse she dished out when we were kids.

I don't hit my kids and they are absolutely horrified when I tell them what she was like.

I still think that parents should be given the choice on smacking their kids. Abusers will always abuse, law or no law.

Fwend

My Mum would probably say that she gave me the occasional "gentle tap" or some such shit, to defend her behaviour.

It is abuse,

And yet your still on contact and no doubt allow her to be in charge of your children

Abusers will always abuse, law or no law.

So why not extend the choice to hit to beyond just children?

Whoever commented above about black and Asian working class people hitting their kids may be right and perhaps that goes some way towards explaining this? I can’t comment as I don’t have the experience but cultural norms are hard to break- it would be interesting to read more research on the whole subject.
but many of us don’t want to brake cultural norms and don’t really care what largely white middle class people think about parenting norms

You are not going to like this at all but a common thing many black and Asian parents feel that white parents are very liberal when it comes to parenting

Mn is very white and very middle class I am not so just pointing out your cultural class leaning norms will be totally diffrent so when people on here say thinks like

its not the norm to smack now well yes maybe amoung white middle class parents but that is not the bubble

Grimbles

Because we do lots of thinks to children that would be classed a crime to adults

For example grounding
If I kept you in your home against your will it would be kidnap and imprisonment

1981fishgut I do think there is a difference between grounding, naughty step and physically harming your child (which a smack is). Grounding and naughty step seem a fair and balanced punishment for misbehaving, whereas I see a smack intended to hurt as disproportionate I suppose?

I think it depends on your experience of smacking as a child. I have a very negative experience of it and as a result I wouldn't consider it as a punishment for my own children.

Also it’s pretty much uninforacseble it’s would be a law to make the pearl cluchers feel better

And once somone who has tapped their child on the had has their child removed and put in jail pray tell were will these children who are loved live we cannot home children who are actually being abused currently

And if you are not talking about removal or actually putting the parents in jail then it would be indeed a toothless law that just makes people feel like their doing somthing

I was smacked as a child when I was acting like a proper little shit and didn’t listen to any of the warnings my parents would give me before getting a smack. It wasn’t hard but painful enough for me to stop whatever I was doing. I don’t hate my parents for smacking me, and it didn’t make my childhood shit. I think it completely depends on how hard, frequent and the aftermath of the parent smacking their child.

I