To resent my parents for childhood smacking/discipline?

[ChildhoodSmacking]

I was watching the 'This Morning' debate about the subject earlier and I have also been reflecting on it myself recently.

Do you think smacking can cause resentment or do you think it depends on how it is administered?

I have a very poor relationship with my father, even as an adult, I cannot remember a time where we got along particularly well. The smacking that I experienced was always from lack of control. My parents constantly go on about how I was a very difficult child and wouldn't listen, they suspect I had ODD . I was never hit by my mother, but my dad would on occasion 'lose it' resulting not only in a smack, but also other things like threatening behaviour, throwing things, pushing etc.

I was born in the 90's so it cannot be blamed on a generational thing. Whenever I bring it up with my parents they argue that it 'never did them any harm' and I was a 'very difficult child and teenager.'

I cannot imagine ever smacking my own DC.

I am wondering about other peoples opinion on the subject? Particularly those that were smacked as a child.

Well said grasslands. But until people admit it is totally wrong to hit ANYONE we are onto a loser.

I am not interested in any "balance" that in any way mitigates or justifies my childhood abuse. If I want that, I can talk to my fucking family.

tbh there are places you can go for support for stuff, but in my experience, that is NOT mumsnet. MN is far too big that you are always going to get posts from people that want to hurt you, no matter what you post. If you are actually truly struggling and getting to a place where you are worried about hitting out, its a very lonely place. Often parenting isnt a case of good child, awful adult. Its people that do not know how to rise to the job they have got properly. Write about your own parental failings on mn at your peril.

"Countries which have made it illegal don't have huge problems with children being put into care after the usual "gentle tap". They manage to have a sensible approach to it.

and that is because if you do nothing then their is no point in making the law of you do somthing then you use up social workers time we don’t have on loving parents who are “good enough” "

I lived in Sweden before and after the smacking ban was introduced and I would definitely say a) that it didn't lead to a swathe of children being taken into care and social workers having all their time taken up by this b) that the law did make a significant difference because it changed social attitudes- people thought twice about smacking not because they thought they'd go to prison, but because society had made a clear statement about the unacceptability of smacking

Of course it didn't stop hard-core abusers. But it had an effect on precisely the kind of people posters are excusing on this thread: the ones who did it because "they didn't know better" or "it was different times". The introduction of the law made it clear that these were no longer valid excuses.

I was smacked as a child - not a one off (apparently I was quite naughty!) I don’t bear resentment / and have a good relationship with parents. Where I’m from it’s not frowned upon, I don’t agree with it though and I will never hit my child.

I was smacked by my mum as a child. I remember getting a wet wooden spoon on the back of my thigh, for opening a letter addressed to her. I thought I was helping and couldn't understand shy she was so angry. I held it against her for years, but looking back I wonder if there was something in it she didn't want me to see.
I'll tell you what though, I have never opened anyone's post since. I have never snooped at anyone's phones or email etc

I was smacked a lot by my father and ended up with a lot of MH problems as an adult and in a long term abusive relationship. I do connect these things. Now in my 30s with children of my own I've decided to let it go. I feel sad for my childhood self that my childhood was unhappy and filled with fear but don't spend my time as an adult dwelling and resentful. I have a very minimal relationship with my dad but do keep in contact for the sake of my younger siblings still living at home. My dad will only ever be allowed supervised access to my children, he will never ever spend time with them without me or dp present. Dp would never smack our children and I've made it clear that if he did I would leave him that afternoon and he would have to drag me through every court in the land to see the children again. As many others have said, I believe smacking is physical abuse no matter what pushed you to it or however you dress it up with "just a tap" nonsense.

I was born in 1944. I wasn’t smacked but was threatened. Once dad put me over his knee and I wriggled free and ran upstairs. He went out and bought me a comic and said sorry. My crime had been to wake up and find no one in and go next door to see if Mum was there. They came home to find me gone and panicked! Mum had been chatting to a friend over the road and Dad was late in from work.
Another time mum stood at the bottom of the stairs brandishing a sweeping brush and shouting,”If I come up there I’ll kill you!”. For some reason we both thought this was funny and sat on the stairs giggling.
All my friends were hit. I was told off, there was a bit of shouting but I always felt safe.

My mother was the one who used to smack me - always when angry, often with a wooden spoon, sometimes just a slap around the face. She said it was because I was 'naughtier' than my DB (I was a quiet, shy child but he was her favourite).

My DF (who never raised a hand to me) walked in when she was smacking me once and read her the riot act. She never did it again though I moved to live with him at age 11.

Now I have a very close relationship with my DF and DSM and a non-existent one with my mother. I think the smacking is symptomatic of the reasons why and yes, it definitely damaged our relationship. My kids are well-mannered and kind (most of the time!) and I would never dream of hurting them when I can teach them by reasoning with them, not controlling their behaviour through fear.

I know, aren't we just so annoying? If only we childhood abuse victims would just shut up and stop clouding the debate!

Yes you should because it is a totally different issue !

Yes you should because it is a totally different issue !

No it isn't, and the fact that people like you can't grasp that is precisely why you need to listen to us.

YANBU. And I do think the type of smack/ the way it's administered does make a difference just because I have and always have had a good relationship with my DF and he very rarely smacked me and never in a fit of anger. I can only actually remember him smacking me once and my behaviour leading up to it had been atrocious. And it's never had any lasting impact on me.

However, my DM was always very quick to lift her hands and as a child me and my Dsis were always frightened of making her angry. She would shout and bawl and slap us because she would fly off into a temper. I remember one particular occasion my DF was at work and I'd accidentally tangled a chain that I'd taken off for gym that day at school. I must have been no older than 8 and she got so angry she slapped me multiple times while she screamed and shook me. It was the only time anything as bad as that ever happened, but as I say she was always quick to give out a slap if she was angry.

That particular instance still makes me upset if I really sit and think about it. For a good few years I'd forgotten all about it then in my mid teens it randomly came back to me and I cried and cried over it and for a while it really affected me to know that she had hurt me like that when I would have been so small and defenceless. All over a cheap Argos chain! I had quite a turbulent relationship with DM as a teen and it's probably linked to her behaviour.

Now as a young adult I've forgiven her and we have a good relationship but we're not as close as other people are with their mums, for example I would never confide in her about my emotions etc. Whereas my sister does have that close bond with her and tells her everything and I don't think it's a coincidence that I often stepped in and stood up for my sister when DM would get very angry with her. So my sister never received the brunt of her anger the way I had.

So I think the anger behind the smack/ the type of smack can make a real difference because if it's done in real rage it feels like an assault (which imo is bc it is assault).

it is unacceptable and you are right to resent them. They need to shut up and listen to you, and hopefully understand and apologise.

Our dad used to beat us about the head with his hands if he lost his temper with us. Often it was triggered by something trivial, like accidentally spilling something. Once I remember he beat me round the head because I'd spilled a few crumbs on the floor.
I'm old now a but I still remember every single incident and yes I do resent it still. I find it hard to be close to either parent as the one did the deed and the other stood by and watched.
Yes Incendio, it is the rage that accompanied it which was truly terrifying as I never knew how long it would go on for. I still shy away from confrontations now.

I come from an extremely violent background where smacking was a daily occurrence amongst other things. I have 2 boys who are now 17&20 who have never been smacked, not even a light tap.

I do not believe that smacking is an acceptable form of discipline, however, neither do I believe that every smack is abuse. I also don't think that our current fondness for picking apart everything that ever happened to us as children is good for our wellbeing.

If we look back at parenting in previous generations it's obvious, thankfully, that we learn from previous mistakes. Whilst smacking was completely normalised and acceptable when I was a child in the 60's, It certainly isn't now. And that's how it should be.

The problem is that for many people smacking was normalised when they were children. For the majority of these children it just was the way it was and they did not feel unloved, unwanted or abused. By trying to make sense of it now, as adults, you can only see it from your current position and current practice and with an adult mind.

Being abused was, and still is, different from getting a smack for perceived bad behaviour. There are still many who smack based on current guidelines but it's not yet fully illegal to smack your child. It will be in the near future though thankfully.

You cannot go through life blaming others for your own feelings or happiness. There comes a point when you have to take responsibility for your own life, for the way you behave now and for the way you want to live your life. And for the way you want your children to live their lives.

For those who were abused as children hopefully they can access the help they need to make their own lives better. But for those who received a slap on the legs from their misguided but otherwise loving parents, or a ruler across the knuckles from a schoolteacher, you need to get on with your life and just be thankful that those previously accepted practices are not acceptable, or will not be acceptable for our own children and future generations.

We seem to be a bit of a superior, know all generation. Just wait till time out is considered exclusion and a form of abuse!

So much this! Such a judgemental generation, always complaining and blaming.

My dad smacked and hit and it made me scared, but as I got older I started to hit him back and eventually around 14 it stopped I would complain to my mum when I was young and she would say there is nothing I can do. That made it worse and that she never came to check on me after or comfort me if I was crying. I guess she agreed with my Dad.

I never saw or heard my mum suffer any DV. I was a very aware child and would listen in to things so knew all about financial issues when my brother seemed to live in a different world.

Also my brother didn't suffer as he would faint when my dad shouted at him and then that would mean he wouldn't get hit.

I dont leave my DS with my parents very often. I've spoken to them that they have to respect how I parent ( no smacking) but it makes me tense even them being around him with me.

I do see my parents a lot but we have a strange relationship, it's more a sense of obligation than love. We are from a family with a strong family ethic. We have a lot of get togethers a and we help each other out. I am often told I don't join in enough, but I find it all a bit false.

I am sad that my DS can't have a strong grandparent relationship but I can't risk it.

I was slapped by my dm, and was caned on at least one occasion by my father. I am in my 50s now and bear no resentment whatsoever. I was not a naughty child by any stretch of the imagination but we were a large family living in difficult circumstances. I don't believe that it was done with malice, it was considered acceptable at the time, in a sense it wasn't even personal. My df is dead but my mum is still alive and I adore her, we have a great relationship. It happened, I can't change that and neither can she, no way will I let it taint whatever time we have left, life is way too short.

smacking was rare in our house. Huge angry rages of shouting, followed by the heavy air of feeling ashamed and not letting the incident drop, were not rare.
I’d have taken a smack if it was followed up with a talk and forgiveness all day long. I’d of got smacked every day if that were the way. Probably why I’m not bitter over the smacking because they made my Dad feel guilty and he would usually apologise. Therefore my conclusion is that discipline needs to be reasonable and proportionate, never seriously hurt or terrify anyone but can be enough to cause a shock but only if you are loving enough to go back, talk it through and let them know your love is unconditional to any incidents that have occurred.

I was smacked and learned to keep my opinions to myself for far too long. The last time it happened I was 29 and pregnant. Can you believe that? I didn't have the strength to argue, but something changed that day.

I was smacked and learned to keep my opinions to myself for far too long. This in spades.

I was smacked occasionally, and although I have a good relationship with my parents, I do bear grudges about it, for the following reasons:

Because of the fear of being smacked, I didn't tell my parents things. I lied to cover them up instead, it was very hard to break this habit as an adult.

One of the worst things about smacking was the crying that went with it. In my mind, I equated smacking to deliberately making me cry. Why would a parent deliberately make their child cry? I remember it was a huge victory for me the first time I didn't cry after being smacked. Probably why I am so detached and emotionless nowadays. Also I simply couldn't bear to see other children smacked in public, or even my brother, and seeing their little faces crumpling up. I've been known to run and hide if it was imminent. I am glad that it's a rare sight now.

Sometimes it was for things I didn't yet know were wrong. My mum once carefully explained why I shouldn't have bumped into a blind man who stopped walking unexpectedly, then she smacked me. Totally unnecessary, I understood the explanation! So I was made to cry in public for something I didn't know was wrong. This and other such incidents gave me a great fear of doing anything spontaneously, in case it was wrong. I'm sure that held me back in my adult life. My primary school was also very big on humiliation of children who dared to do something sensible without being told.

Sometimes it was for "bickering" with my brother. There were times I was smacked, and he wasn't, even though to this day, I know he started it.

wanderings. As a parent who did a lot of smacking and thoroughly regrets it. I feel sad and sorry for what happened to you. I am lucky that my children both say they don’t resent me for being just like your mum and your mum is lucky too. If it wasn’t for the blind man story I would think you were my daughter.
My one wish for this world is that people just keep their tucking hands to themselves and learn how to deal with their frustrations. I would like to think your mum regrets how she chose to deal with you. ❤️

I totally understand with the controlled smacking vs the lost control/pure rage.

My mum would totally lose control and smack/hit/hit with rolling pin/throw across room when we'd been 'naughty'.
I distinctly remember certain times when I was been hit and not even knowing why I was being hit. My older sis copped the brunt of it.

There were times when my mum couldn't be bothered to get off the couch so she'd make me go into the kitchen to get the rolling pin that she would then smack me with 😳

She denies all of this now and lectures me on how to parent my kids and how hitting is wrong.
This makes me and my siblings furious.

I blame my dad just as much, while I only got the odd slap off him. He clearly didn't agree with the level of violence my mum showed to us he just used to stand by and watch and never had to guts to step and say that's enough.

I still have a good relationship with them now though.

Tucking. You know I meant Fucking right. I probably shouldn’t swear according to my phone!

@crazydoglady6867 Thanks!