To resent my parents for childhood smacking/discipline?

[ChildhoodSmacking]

I was watching the 'This Morning' debate about the subject earlier and I have also been reflecting on it myself recently.

Do you think smacking can cause resentment or do you think it depends on how it is administered?

I have a very poor relationship with my father, even as an adult, I cannot remember a time where we got along particularly well. The smacking that I experienced was always from lack of control. My parents constantly go on about how I was a very difficult child and wouldn't listen, they suspect I had ODD . I was never hit by my mother, but my dad would on occasion 'lose it' resulting not only in a smack, but also other things like threatening behaviour, throwing things, pushing etc.

I was born in the 90's so it cannot be blamed on a generational thing. Whenever I bring it up with my parents they argue that it 'never did them any harm' and I was a 'very difficult child and teenager.'

I cannot imagine ever smacking my own DC.

I am wondering about other peoples opinion on the subject? Particularly those that were smacked as a child.

So the op should read

I resent my parents for the abuse

I'm not sure if I was damaged by being smacked (by my father, using a slipper or stick, until I couldn't sit down for several hours). It may have been that, or it may have been the general atmosphere of threat, anger and disapproval. It was probably a combination of both. There is no way I could have deserved that kind of a beating, no matter what I'd done.

What I can tell you is that my father was very violent to me, because he made that choice. He was a soldier and never once lost his temper at work, but regularly exploded at home. Even now, he yells at me every time I see him (last time it was because I replaced the clutch on my car, previously for liking the wrong things, or saying something vaguely critical of my golden child sibling). I am not afraid of him now, but I do believe that he would hit me if I irritated him enough (a bit of extra breathing, perhaps or an unauthorised opinion) .

He has very limited contact with my children. He would have none if they weren't so determined to have a relationship with their grandparents. He is certainly never alone with them. My second child refuses to see him at all because of the way he treats me and I'm not going to do anything to change that.

1981fishgut The thread title is as it is because it was triggered by a debate about smacking that was on 'This Morning' earlier. Did you read the first post?

It then evolved into a debate about the differences between controlled, fair warning smacking and hitting (which often evolves into more) out of sheer anger and loss of control.

I'm not entirely sure what your point is here?

I was smacked as a child, I was probably miss-behaving and it corrected my behavior.

My parents are great and I have a wonderful relationship with them.

This is not a thread about smacking it’s abouse abuse it’s already illegal

And am shocked how many people want “it made illegal” but aren’t willing to protect their own children from these abuser grandparents so it’s just perl clutching

If you fear for child from abusers start at home

RedneckStumpy

I was smacked as a child, I was probably miss-behaving and it corrected my behavior.

My parents are great and I have a wonderful relationship with them.
i just find it odd that people would say they were smacked it was abuse but still continue to see their alleged abusers and take their kids their

Very odd

By "utterly horrific" I meant the sort of abuse that is pretty much impossible for people to twist and conflate with smacking, or for people to claim was "normal for the time" - when you are defending a decision to be NC with a parent there is a grey area a mile wide and one which also varies culturally. Using a belt, for example, was still pretty normal where I grew up. I remember my brother belting his son (born early 90s for reference) and nobody locally batted a bloody eyelid. If said son now said I'm having nothing to do with my dad cos he used to beat me with a belt I'd put large amounts of money on a bunch of apologists crawling out of the woodwork claiming it was normal/of its time. And in that segment of society it still was.

It can be a difficult and long process for people to identify that they were actually abused, to unpick the environment they grew up in and recognise that it wasn't normal or OK. Especially when there can be a lot of people engaged in minimising what happened. And that's just for physical abuse, if you move on to emotional abuse and neglect it becomes harder still.

My mum frequently smacked me (I was a child in the 70s). It left me with anxiety and insecurities, but also with temper issues which took me years to address and resolve. I left my first husband because he would smack our children.
My relationship with my mum was very poor for most of my adult life but the last few years she has mellowed massively and I do think she regrets the way she was.
The whole subject makes me feel incredibly sad. I am fiercely anti smacking and would love to see it made illegal.

The "controlled" smacks were the worst. A pissed-off swat from a harassed parent was far less shameful and affected me less than "wait 'til I get you home".

I've tried not to store up grudges against my DD. There were occasions when she was little when she played up when we were out, but if she calmed down and made amends, that was always the end of it. No banking punishment for later when everything's calmed down.

I was smacked for doing any little thing wrong.
I remember age 16 my mum smacked me, and I lamped her one back so hard I popped her nose and gave her a massive bruise.

That day when dad got home, before mum could tell him anything I went up to him and threatened him that if he lay a finger on me or my younger sister, I would do the same to him and would do it each and every tim.

That stopped the near constant smacking and tbh we have an ok relationship now.

I ended up in A and E after my father dragged me down a staircase by one leg. He pulled my sister round by her hair and beat her with a horsewhip.
It may have been “the norm” to treat kids like that in the 1960’s and 70’s, but I hated my parents and eventually went nc with them both.
They never met their grandkids and died by the time the GC started primary. Not a tear was shed.
I used them as a model of how not to be a parent.

missyB1

And then what once we have removed the smacked children from their parents will you become a foster carer to take these additional children in we have no room for the children who are actually being abused

Abuse is already illegal

So you must mean a light tap leaving no
Mark that’s what you want made illegal

Yes

What strikes me is that we all remember those times when our parents completely lost it. My mother was the strict one and my dad was a big softie. Once he was looking after us in the evening as mum was working and we wouldn't go to sleep. We had no respect for him and ran rings around him. He resorted to smacking my legs leaving handprints but I laughed and laughed at him (prob a little hysterical) and I remember clear as day his exasperation and guilt that he had smacked me. He was just desperate for us to be asleep by the time mum was home, I know that now. God I miss him and feel guilty for being mean.

We had an infant school teacher who was fond of smacking and other physical punishments. She used to grab you by your shoulders and shake you so your head wobbled. Usually for something minor like giggling or not knowing how to spell something.

I grew up in the 70s and was smacked. No idea what I did to deserve it but I just remember being hysterical with pain and fear. Even now I react with panic and flight to certain situations. It might have been the norm but it was fucking wrong and damaging and I am glad most people now see that.

My mum slapped me a few times when I was younger. It was just the 'done' thing then. I don't see it as abuse and we are very close now. I would never slap my own children though, simply because I think it sends the message that the way to deal with behaviour you are unhappy with. It's inevitably going to encourage violence in the child.

Both my parents used to smack me. A lot of the time it was because they didn't know who had done the wrong thing - me or my brother - so they'd punish us both just in case. My brother had/has MH issues and enjoyed the thrill of seeing me punished for something he had done, and they were/are scared of him.

My very clearest memory is of being 15 and my dad pulling my pants down in the lounge and smacking me on the bottom. I knew at the time it was wrong but what did you do back then? You just got on with things. I feel so ashamed about it now and can't believe it happened but we've never spoken about it and I am sure he and my mother would gaslight me.

It's disgusting. I have never and will never hit my children.

Surely the important and sad thing in your post is that you and your dad never really got on, you don't feel loved or cared for by him or that you were close?
He may have struggled with parenthood, you may just not ever have really got on, he may have had serious anger/mh issues that dominated the household, he may have been emotionally and physically abusive generally, which is different from being a parent who lost their rag sometimes. Parenting is hard, and sometimes people aren't very good at it or just don't like their kids much.

There is a big difference between a loving and caring parent who either chooses physical discipline in a certain context or occasionally loses their temper with their kids in extremis and an abuser.

I was a very much loved and cared for child and have been a loving and caring parent. Smacks and shouting involved in both relationships. I always knew that my Dad loved me utterly and unconditionally. I also knew that if I cheeked and defied him I wanted to be out of reach.

yanbu to be resentful if you think your parents are blaming you for their failings as parents though

My dad was born in the 1920s. He always says he was gentler with us (in 60s and 70s) than his parents were with him. We got smacked on the legs. We haven't smacked our kids at all - nieces/nephews born across 1990s and then mine 11 years ago.

We all had a pretty good relationship with our parents.

I do think there’s a point at which adults need to take responsibility for their own happiness and not blame their childhood. I accept their are some horrendous abuses but they are the minority but general parenting generational differences p, people need to move on.

YANBU, up to you how you feel about it.

I was smacked and don't feel resentment now, nor do I smack my own children. I don't think I was particularly damaged for it either.

So you must mean a light tap leaving no Mark that’s what you want made illegal

I want children to have the same expectation of not being hit as adults do. So you can either legalise "light tapping leaving no mark" for everyone who annoys you/could use a bit of direction or make the proverbial "light tapping leaving no mark" illegal for all.

Has there been even one post on this thread - even from those who bear their parents no grudge and think the odd smack was ok - that seriously said "my parents lightly tapped me but left no mark" ? Of course not. We all know what the innocent-sounding "smacking" means - it means slapping or hitting a child reasonably forcibly with the palm of your hand - that is at best. It should not be legal to do this to your child when it is illegal to do it to anyone else - including other people's children.

oh and stop going on about all the children who will be in care because they got a slap. You know full well that you'd have to do a lot more than that to a child to even get the attention of authorities, still less having a child taken away from you - that is just ridiculous.

pallisers

didn’t mention children in care because they got a slap

Children are in care because they have been abused