To resent my parents for childhood smacking/discipline?

[ChildhoodSmacking]

I was watching the 'This Morning' debate about the subject earlier and I have also been reflecting on it myself recently.

Do you think smacking can cause resentment or do you think it depends on how it is administered?

I have a very poor relationship with my father, even as an adult, I cannot remember a time where we got along particularly well. The smacking that I experienced was always from lack of control. My parents constantly go on about how I was a very difficult child and wouldn't listen, they suspect I had ODD . I was never hit by my mother, but my dad would on occasion 'lose it' resulting not only in a smack, but also other things like threatening behaviour, throwing things, pushing etc.

I was born in the 90's so it cannot be blamed on a generational thing. Whenever I bring it up with my parents they argue that it 'never did them any harm' and I was a 'very difficult child and teenager.'

I cannot imagine ever smacking my own DC.

I am wondering about other peoples opinion on the subject? Particularly those that were smacked as a child.

My parents did it to me on the arms hands and back of my leg I will never forgive them and there both dead now. Mother done it when I was 16 and I slapped her back and she never did it again to me. Never ever smacked my own dc

I was smacked but only by mum, did me no harm at all and I have a great relationship with my parents 🤷‍♀️

I was smacked a lot as a child in the 90's. By both my mum and my dad.

I was smacked from a very young age, and with hindsight I believe this is why I matured so early in life. I needed to figure out how to manipulate the situations. How to convince my parents to leave me alone.

Due to my maturity, I struggled to fit in with other kids. I just couldn't understand their immaturity, why they weren't as aware of their surroundings as I was.

I struggled a lot with my emotions. When I was 17, I realized I suffered from panic / anxiety attacks. To this day, my parents are not aware of this. I don't let them in. From the outside, I have a great and loving relationship with my parents. But really, I keep them at arms length. I never let them in emotionally.

Also, my parents also don't acknowledge any wrong doing. They seem to have amnesia, as another pp put it. They won't acknowledge that they hit us often. So to keep the peace, I just don't try to debate this with my parents anymore.

I remember clearly that I was a nice child. I always had people's best interests at heart. I did NOT deserve all the beatings I got. I really didn't. I remember them.

At the end of the day, my parents were very lazy, and did not even try to connect on an emotional level. It's sad really. But I have learned from their mistake. And I will never hit my kids. I will never ignore or mock their emotions.

I was smacked as a child and I will never forget it or forgive my mum for it. One of her favourites was a vicious slap either across the face or the back of head which would leave either a huge red imprint or give me a massive headache.

Painful and humiliating and left me feeling that she didn't like me much.
It did do me lasting harm. Coupled with constantly being told I was the naughty, difficult child who drove her to it. It do still have a relationship with her and my kids adore her. She would never hit them.
She also has amnesia and will deny anything our than the odd tap. She does remember clearly though how difficult and naughty I was.
I would never hit my own children.

I resent my parents for the way they raised me. Yes the smacking but also the lack of love and the criticisms and the absolute lack of encouragement with my education. My father believed women shouldn’t work and so didn’t even need educating.

"Due to my maturity, I struggled to fit in with other kids. I just couldn't understand their immaturity, why they weren't as aware of their surroundings as I was."

This resonates with me. I'm very good at reading people and situations - and I find I can easily put myself in other people's shoes. I have often wondered whether this was because I had so much practice as a child, trying to understand my alternately cold/furious mother and alcohol-abusing father, both of whom were violent sometimes. I've largely made peace with the past but I have complicated feelings about my parents. I don't resent them, they're still in my life and in my children's lives, though not much because we live several hundred miles away, and I'm not good at regular phone calls.

I dont think you are BU, i was smacked as a child (born late 80’s) both by my mother and father. My mother was a stay at home one and she had little to no patience for 3 children. her smacking me wasnt enough, she would threaten me with my dad and he got so sick of the nagging after he got in from a 12-14 hour shift that in the end he would have a bash as well. He would lose control and i have memories of her having to almost drag him off me sometimes. He was my safe place for a short while when i was little but she ruined that. I also remember her stamping on my foot and leaving a massive bruise in response to a fight id had with my sister. Ill never forgive either of them - i dont understand how its setting an example that its ok to beat on someone whos smaller than you when they dont do as you ask. They never get left alone with my dd and never will, no sleepovers at nanna and grandads. I dont trust them and never will. Every day i strive to be the completely opposite parent to what they did.

I'm not good at reading people or situations and I suspect it's partly because my parents were too lazy and self serving to reason with me and work out natural consequences. Instead they avoided self control and energy and just smacked. Don't do this or I'll hurt you - as simple as that. And, in my father's case, kicking, punching, face slapping and the lot. Which he always thought was close enough to being "controlled" as to be acceptable.

Fuck anyone who's not bright enough to realise why this is a related issue with a lot of crossover. No, we abuse victims won't shut up when you tell us just because we spoil your Twirlywoos level of comprehension.

Oh....my father always thought he was some sort of saint because he always used his hands to hit us (and fists, and thrown objects). That's controlled, you see.

Child of the sixties here - I remember my father hitting me with a belt occasionally and leaving marks on my legs, yet in other ways he was the most loving selfless man. He's long dead now. I have confused thoughts about it still.
If anything I resent my mother for allowing it but she's 89 now so I never mention it. I think they were different times but even as a child I must have known it was wrong as I lied about the marks

I was too, crappy childhood all round and not just that. But to be honest my parents tried hard, they just couldn’t cope. Since having my own children, one of whom is very challenging, I’ve realised how hard it is and I’ve chosen to forgive them. It’s not unusual to feel resentful but unforgiveness is just drinking poison and hoping your enemy dies. I hope my children forgive me for my many mistakes, I do my best and regularly get it wrong, and I hope my screw ups in an otherwise happy, secure, loving childhood will be forgiven.

Ive picked up if you had a happy childhood then occasional smacks are forgiven but when resentment is high it’s because it wasn’t just that - you were emotionally neglected, ignored, failed massively in other ways. Although I did resent my dad for years of over the top violence, actually it was my mum’s emotional neglect that was worse leading to things happening to me outside of the home that never should have.

It’s ok to feel what you’re feeling but it would be a positive step to seek counselling. We’re all bumbling along at humanity screwing up as we go and I’m trying to learn grace and compassion towards others and teach my kids the same. When I mess up, which has included the odd smack, I apologise and take full responsibility and don’t deny it and frankly bloody hate myself for it.

Parenting is so hard and it’s easy to condemn ‘lazy parenting’ but I’m not a lazy parent, I’m just a human with limits who loses it and shouts sometimes. If they hate me for that then they better not have their own DC because honestly, it’s impossible to get it right 24/7.

My parents have failed me much worse as an adult to be honest, and even that I’m trying to forgive because they are getting old and they will die, and I don’t want to be simmering and seething the rest of my life.

I’d also say we never saw ‘the odd smack’...they were full on beatings.

My parents couldn’t cope with the three of us especially as one of my DBs was very difficult. DM would just shout and shout and DF would beat us, not smack, beat us. It got to a point where he would only have to look at us and we would know to stop whatever it was he didn’t like.

After shouting at us for an eternity DM used to also wait for him to come home from work to grass on us so we’d get beaten. He was a big believer in beating kids to discipline them and thought any kid not severely disciplined would inevitably grow up to be a bad adult. He also didn’t believe in ‘namby pamby’ shit like listening to your kids opinions and considering their feelings. He was the adult and he was top dog, he owned us.

I was a good child and didn’t deserve it. I do resent it. I still can’t cope with raised voices, I get panicky when anyone shouts. I still flinch when someone raises a hand near me. I have a complicated relationship with them. They are loving grandparents but I keep them at arms length. I must admit I’m also jealous that they are so calm and loving with DD but were so harsh with me.

I forgot to add that once at secondary school, a girl was annnoying me, so I slapped her and immediately realised that I’d been taught to hit someone when they were annoying me. I’ve never hit anyone since.

I have on a few occasions in the past completely lost it with my DC. I sometimes shouted in my DS's face when he was a baby and wouldn't sleep. When my DD was around 7 or 8 she went through a very defiant phase and I completely lost my rag a few times. I slapped her on her back and on a couple of occasions pushed her over.

I am deeply ashamed of each and every occasion. I was living through a deeply stressful time but that is no excuse, I should have found a better way of dealing with it.

They are now 18 and 16 and I haven't done anything like this for nearly 10 years. My situation has changed and I am finding better ways to deal with stress. I am close to both DC, I tell them every day that I love them and they say the same to me. But I can't forgive myself, the damage can never be undone. They deserved a better mother and I frequently find myself thinking I should stay out of their lives and leave the parenting to DH. I can never fix what I did.

Smacking is destructive and is never justified. It just causes irreparable damage.

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cereddigion. I was just the same and feel lucky my children don’t resent me for it. I was just talking to my daughter just now about this post and she says that she thinks I am too hard on myself and I should just get over it. I said will you leave your kids with me when you have them and she said “Good God Woman, No Way!!” She was thankfully joking😂 I love my kids so much and wish I could have dealt with them differently but they are great people despite my MH issues when they were younger.

My mum was the 'smacker' bottom, back of legs and she also takes great delight in telling people she used to pull the back of my hair to stop me doing stuff sometimes.

Her and my dad also never noticed or never did anything about the terrible bullying I recieved at school.

Our parents, especially if they are 60+, love to comment sarkily about how 'its amazing we are still alive' with all the advice and safety measures there are compared with the 70's.

Yeah, your neglectful , dangerous parenting was spot on. Well done mum.

I was smacked A LOT as a child, as were my DSis and DB. My DM freely admits that my abusive F smacked us too hard and she didn't like it, but she never did anything to protect us. She also smacked us hard. She now admits that this was wrong.

She doesn't do that with my DDs at all; she once threatened to give DD1 a 'good hiding', but I made it clear in no uncertain terms that this was unacceptable and she's never said it since.

The awful thing was that the smacking made us afraid of her and it made it impossible for DSis and me to tell her about the SA we were suffering at the hands of our F and others. She always considered herself so approachable as well.

itsnotabingthing totally agree! My mum and my in laws frequently come out with that crap! I told my mum recently how all those days when she didn't have a clue (or indeed cared) where I was, that I was often playing chicken on the railway. So yes she is lucky I survived and that she didn't have to bury her very young daughter.

And when Mil bragged about giving dh a good hiding now and again when he was a child, I gave her a very cold stare and told her that was something to be ashamed of not to brag about! Went down like a sack of shit lol!

I would never ever ever smack my child I don't understand how people even can. If anyone hit my baby even just a small smack I would smack them ten times harder and see how they like it. A child can not defend them selfs! Smacking them when they cannot defend because they done something you don't like is utterly disgusting!

I was physically, mentally and emotionally abused by both parents. Seriously physically abused by my father. I hate my mother more for standing there and allowing him to do it. She told me I was "a difficult BABY(!) and impossible to handle".

A few years ago I tried to talk to my mother about it and she completely denied everything. She told me I was a liar, sniggered and sneered at me as she said "But that didn't happen"

I am NC with both parents now. They are still (and always will be) in denial that they ever mistreated and abused me. They've spent their whole lives sweeping everything under the carpet and pretending that nothing was ever wrong, and in their 60's and 70's aren't ever going to change.

I felt guilty the other day after shouting at my CAT to get off the armchair that she knows she's not allowed on. She ran off and I felt so bad that I picked her and cuddled her. I would never in a million years hit her.

I wouldn't raise my hand to an animal and I struggle so much with trying to come to terms about my parents could do it to a small defenceless child without batting an eyelid and without feeling any guilt whatsoever.