To resent my parents for childhood smacking/discipline?

[ChildhoodSmacking]

I was watching the 'This Morning' debate about the subject earlier and I have also been reflecting on it myself recently.

Do you think smacking can cause resentment or do you think it depends on how it is administered?

I have a very poor relationship with my father, even as an adult, I cannot remember a time where we got along particularly well. The smacking that I experienced was always from lack of control. My parents constantly go on about how I was a very difficult child and wouldn't listen, they suspect I had ODD . I was never hit by my mother, but my dad would on occasion 'lose it' resulting not only in a smack, but also other things like threatening behaviour, throwing things, pushing etc.

I was born in the 90's so it cannot be blamed on a generational thing. Whenever I bring it up with my parents they argue that it 'never did them any harm' and I was a 'very difficult child and teenager.'

I cannot imagine ever smacking my own DC.

I am wondering about other peoples opinion on the subject? Particularly those that were smacked as a child.

1981fishgut I don’t think it’s as clear cut as that, a lot of abuse victims have complicated relationships with their abusers and it’s not always easy to cut contact. Also I think you were quite rude to say ‘yawn’ and dismiss something that is obviously difficult for OP.

OP, yanbu - I am anti smacking too and think there are other ways to discipline children without hitting them. I think times have generally moved on, but how you feel about your experiences is very valid.

My mum used to lose it and lay into me. More often than not it was because of something my sibling had done. I don't trust her with DD - I'll go to the shop over the road and leave them for 15 minutes but no longer than that.

Still boggles my mind that some people find it acceptable to hit a small child to punish or instill a 'lesson'. At what actual age is it 'OK' to start hitting a child anyway?

Hitting any other vulnerable member of society, such as an elderly person, for the same reasons would never be tolerated, you can't even hit a dog to teach them to 'behave', but a toddler is A-OK. Fucking messed up if you ask me.

I was smacked as a child never by my Dad always my Mum. I remember having her hand prints on my legs or getting belted around the head with her slipper. I’m NC with her not only because of that.

Don’t smack my children though.

YeTalkShiteHen You don’t really view smacking as abuse

Otherwise you would not have anything to do with them now or allow your kids to see them

Saying oh well they haven’t hit my kids

You wouldn’t be saying that if the abuse was sexual

And this is just to demonstrate my point that many don’t really see ansmack as abuse they simply use to emotive to drive home their view

Because many people actions don’t bore out what they are saying

I was abused as a child beaten with a belt I have no contact with my mother never will and my children will never see her

I was born in the sixties and it was normal to smack. In reality my parents threatened to smack far more than actually do so but it was certainly the norm. None of us was scared of them, it was part of family life.

When I raised my dc in the early nineties smacking was still quite acceptable although plenty of people chose not to. I did smack occasionally though never hard. One day I suddenly thought that this wasn’t an effective form of punishment and was normalising violence and that was it- I never smacked them again.

Now it’s extremely unusual to see smacking although some parents are brutal and aggressive with their dc and unfortunately always will be.

Do I resent my parents? Absolutely not. They were parenting in the way that was normal for the time. I’m not talking about physical abuse btw, which is and always has been illegal.

If your father was an unpleasant and unloving dad to you that’s another matter and very sad.

NoProbLlama78

You clearly do trust her

Somone I didn’t trust would not get my child for 2 minuets not get babysit when it suits

And if I really felt I was abused I would be NC

MatildaTheCat

Now it’s extremely unusual to see smacking you clearly don’t know many black Asian or working class people

I say this as somone who is black and wk

I think perhaps(?) there is a distinction between a controlled smack after fair warning, and simply losing control of the situation.

I remember being very confused as my mum would often tell me that I was deserving of a smack from my father (even to this day), and other times when he would lose it and she would be cowering to protect me.

I suppose the resentment is more built from their failure to acknowledge any wrong doing, as others have said on this thread. Whenever the subject is breached and I talk about the potential ways it has affected me I am shut down with the usual trope. 'It didn't do us any harm' 'You were out of control' 'You were a very difficult child, you didn't listen or obey anything'.

I am afraid to even tell DP incase he judges me and/or my parents.

My Dad smacked us but never really hard. His anger was far worse than his violence. I think he shouting damaged us but I don’t think the smacking did. Everyone I knew got smacked here or there.

You cannot judge the parentin of decades ago by today's values.smacking then was the accepted norm -even schools were allowed to hit children with canes shoes and straps multiple times.

Being smacked on the legs or bum with a hand is not even now considered abuse so liong as it doesn't cause welts, bruises or break the skin.A temporary reddening is allowed.

1981? Wtf?

(ps I do not smack my own children but was smacked as a child with hand on bum.stings for a few minutes that's all.

Completely unacceptable. My mother used to hit me for really minor things and seemed to take delight in the power it gave her. She also hit me with a stick across the head when I was 15 and we were really struggling with our relationship, simply because I wouldn't agree with her.

That was the last time she ever did it. I pulled the stick from her grip and snapped it in two.

Surprisingly we have been NC for the last 10 years and I don't regret a single moment.

Resentment usually comes from constant bad parenting that made a child feel unloved. It is possible to be very caring and loving and still smack. I had friends from really loving families that bear no grudges about getting smacked at all.

I forgot to say.. never ever will I smack my child. That's a sign of someone who has lost control and thinks it's OK to inflict pain on someone else to subjegate them.

I don't think there is any mileage in bringing this up with your parents. It cannot be undone. It will do no good. No one wants to be told they were bad parents, do you? There is time to deal with things yourself if they love you and you love them it is time for a bit of forgiveness, it is very healing. Many children were smacked but otherwise well cared for. It is a complex issue and I don't condone smacking but there wasn't the condemnation in the 90,s that there is now so it is hard to judge people by todays rules

I’ve smacked my child- but I’ve never hurt him. I’ve done it about 5 times in 7 years. It’s slways not enough to hurt but enough to cause shock. It was supposed to mean -you’ve gone way too far! (Which Is how it felt when my parents occasionally did it to us)But then one day I realised I actually did it more to do with my mood so I decided to stop.

AynRandTheObjectivist i didnt compare them??? My point was how things are always moving forward and changing.

there is a distinction between a controlled smack after fair warning, and simply losing control of the situation.

I agree, I think.

However, I had a pretty rough childhood growing up in foster care and as a parent can't bring myself to risk crossing that line.

I've struggled at times to keep my cool with the DC; there have been times I've forced myself to leave the room because I know I'm unreasonably cross. It might be a "most parents" thing, getting cross, but I'm cautious of allowing myself to lose my temper in front of the DC simply because when adults did that when I was a child, it was always terrifying and had no impact on my behaviour other than to scare me. I can see why some parents might, and try not to judge them harshly because I have no idea about their lives. I just daren't take that step; it's not how I want my DC to learn.

I was smacked maybe once or twice when I was younger. All deserved and in proportion.
Still think my parents are amazing and have brought my sister and I up great. I have never felt afraid of them.

Confusedbeetle I find it very difficult to love my father, for a variety of reasons beside the hitting/anger. We have no relationship really at all. Unfortunately it is impossible to go NC as my mother is still married to him, so to do so would also mean going NC with her.

I was a 70s child. I was smacked by my mum quite a bit, my dad maybe a couple of times.

My mum never just smacked me out of the blue. She usually asked me to refrain from certain things several times, sent me to my room etc it was always a kind of the last resort.
I get the impression from several people (Not just my parents) including several childhood friends I still see that I was a very persistent and trying child.
I don't see it as abuse. I have a great relationship with my parents. I respect them greatly. They have done and still do in their old age so much for me and my children. We get along fantastically.

They have never smacked or got involved with the discipline of my now adult children either.

I didn't ever use snacking either.

I think smacking in my childhood was just what happened in the 70s along with the board rubber being thrown at children in class and the cane still used in schools until 1984.
I'm not saying it was right but im not affected by it either negatively or positively. It was just what was normal in that era. I've never realky thought about it much tbh. That said no doubt some people took it too far and obviously some didn't smack at all.
Likewise some people feel it was a terrible and wrong thing to have happened to them.

The 70s were a weird time. Lots of things that were acceptable then are not today. I walked home from infant school at age 4 and 5 alone as did most in my class. Can you imagine a school even releasing a reception child out of school alone in 2018?? The parents would probably be done for neglect.

I remember feeling very scared of my father, I distinctly remember running to a friends house as a teenager one evening as he had just hit and threatened me. Even to this day I feel fear of his temper.

Again, I think its probably the distinction between a smack that is in proportion and controlled and just simply losing it as my father did.

I would never hit my DC, even in a controlled manner, as I know the consequences it has had on me and my relationship with my parents.

i didnt compare them??? My point was how things are always moving forward and changing.

Which you did by explicitly comparing them, ffs. "Just wait till time out is considered exclusion and a form of abuse!" is quite clearly comparing how smacking is viewed now with how you imagine time out will be considered in the future. Especially with your comment about this being a 'know it all' generation.

And yes, I got that you don't smack your kids.

I don't get people who say X, are told they said X, and then deny that they said X.