To resent my parents for childhood smacking/discipline?

[ChildhoodSmacking]

I was watching the 'This Morning' debate about the subject earlier and I have also been reflecting on it myself recently.

Do you think smacking can cause resentment or do you think it depends on how it is administered?

I have a very poor relationship with my father, even as an adult, I cannot remember a time where we got along particularly well. The smacking that I experienced was always from lack of control. My parents constantly go on about how I was a very difficult child and wouldn't listen, they suspect I had ODD . I was never hit by my mother, but my dad would on occasion 'lose it' resulting not only in a smack, but also other things like threatening behaviour, throwing things, pushing etc.

I was born in the 90's so it cannot be blamed on a generational thing. Whenever I bring it up with my parents they argue that it 'never did them any harm' and I was a 'very difficult child and teenager.'

I cannot imagine ever smacking my own DC.

I am wondering about other peoples opinion on the subject? Particularly those that were smacked as a child.

I was having a similar musings about my own childhood the other day, OP. I can remember being smacked a handful of times and threatened with it far more. Plus "having our mouths washed out with soap and water" (never happened to me, did happen once to my sister for talking back). I can recall being hit across the back of my head by my mum so hard that it knocked my glasses off when I was a teenager

But I would describe my parents as loving, and we all have a good relationship with them in adulthood and they are fantastic grandparents.

I find it hard to reconcile sometimes - like when you remember your primary school as being huge, but then you drive past and it is just a normal, or maybe even small, building

The thing is, once you've decided it's ok to smack when it's "controlled", the door is open for you to lash out in anger, which is when it's far more likely to happen. And even when it's "controlled", it's still you hitting someone who's a lot smaller, younger and weaker. It's hard, if not impossible, to know exactly how much you're hurting them.

My parents never did time out, but school did, and I don't feel anywhere near the same way about it. Time out was a chance for me to reflect and realise that if I didn't play nicely, I wouldn't play at all. Smacking was just "because I said so and I can do this if you don't agree, or even just because I'm angry and not in control of myself".

I don't remember my dad ever smacking me but my mum did. Last time she did it I hit her back. I can't imagine smacking my DD.
I don't think it's right at all. What does it teach kids? It's ok to hit? That you can hit someone smaller/younger? We wouldn't smack an adult, it's even worse to smack a smaller child.

I was smacked a fair bit, by my parents and by school teachers. I was scared of everyone and everything!
My dad used to use the terms "a damned good thrashing" and "a bloody good hiding" to describe what punishment might befall us if we stepped out of line.
At school, the head teacher used a cane to hit children who were either repeat offenders or had done something deemed worthy of it.

I had no role models for any other way of dealing with misbehaviour than by smacking - I actually had books that recommended it too. So, somewhat inevitably, I did smack my own children from time to time. I feel horrified now that I ever did that. How could I have thought it was the right thing to do? But I did - and so did most of my peers.

Thankfully, we now live in more enlightened times.

I find it hard to reconcile sometimes - like when you remember your primary school as being huge, but then you drive past and it is just a normal, or maybe even small, building

It's because you were very small then, and what might not be such a huge blow to you as an adult is actually very painful and frightening when you're a child and completely vulnerable and unable to defend yourself.

It's also just not a natural consequence. Generally, if you're an arsehole as an adult, you don't get belted for it (and if you did, it would generally not be considered ok). But you can expect people not to want to spend time with you if you're not nice to them. Time out is a natural consequence for acting in a way that makes you unpleasant to be around.

I've also found, from my own experience, that parents who smack are generally more arrogant in their parenting, less likely to admit when they've made a mistake, apologise or ever accept they might have been wrong.

80sMum My father used similar terminology, although he used to justify his anger and outbursts by saying that his grandfather was much much worse.

Maybe you were a very difficult child? Some children are much more difficult than others.
I talk to my friends and some of us admit that dc1 is much more difficult than say dc2.

Why do you have so much resentment?
I suspect that this is down to lack of self worth and confidence and goes a lot deeper than just the issue of smacking perhaps?

i think its really hard sometimes to accept that our parents are flawed human beings that respond in shit ways and got it wrong a lot. Its even more difficult if they wont own up to that fact, but it was certainly the done thing to smack a defiant or difficult child and these things are handed down generation to generation. We are the first generation really (or second) to move away from smacking, and whilst I agree with this, as I dont think smacking is helpful and is so often part of abuse, I do also notice that young peoples mental health is no better than it ever was

Sparklesocks

1981fishgut I don’t think it’s as clear cut as that

yes it it reallyyou want loving parents to go to jail or loose their children over a smacked hand however you don’t consider your parents needing of jail or NC funny that

Is so abusive so backward that you must stay in contact have China’s jollys and ect

My mum beat me really beat me not the middle class pearl clutching talked of on heat and guess what we are NC

Maybe you were a very difficult child? Some children are much more difficult than others.

While this is true, you'd have to be a total arseplant of a parent to do what OP's parents are doing and still go on about it now.

Omg, this is the book that I had!

Oblomov18 I was a difficult teenager, but not particularly as a younger child. I would do 'normal' toddler things like crayoning on the wall and be aggressively picked up and thrown into my room for it.

The smacking is a big issue, as I said in my OP, it wasn't just a 'smack' but often threats, things being thrown, being pushed, thrown up/down stairs, aggressive shouting in my face. By the time I was a pre-teen/teenager our relationship had completely deteriorated and I feel robbed of a 'normal' father-daughter relationship.

1981fishgut im sorry what you went through, that’s awful, but everyone’s experience is different and it’s not always possible for everyone to sever contact entirely even if they desperately want to - their abuser might still have a hold on them. Your experience is not universal.

Oh, I know all about having one difficult child and one that's pretty easy going! I have been pushed nearly to breaking point on many occasions by DD, and it's something of a miracle that I haven't snapped and hit her, including when she is hitting me

But I hope I never ever cross that line, because I would hate myself for it, and I'm convinced that it would do nothing to help DD moderate her behaviour. I know I am judged on this stance by my family, all of whom are in the "I was smacked and it never did me any harm" camp

My mother used to hit me. I won't call it smacking because it was much more severe than that. It didn't teach me respect or to be 'good' It taught me to lie to her and fear her. She also used to rant and shout.
I've never smacked my two children but I used to shout at them a lot.
I've learned since, now I am a grandparent that even shouting can be ridiculous.

I think it gave me a propensity to violence tbh. I spend parts of my younger years whacking people when they annoyed me and thinking it was acceptable to be so pissed off at someone they make you hit out

I'm not much older than you OP (born late 80s) and I grew up in an area where smacking as discipline was very much the norm. However, I know what you mean about controlled vs anger driven. I saw plenty of friends over the years get smacked; normally after numerous warnings and in a very controlled way - very much a smacked bum/skelped arse kind of thing. I'm not saying it was right, but it was very different to my mum who would hit in fits of rage - shoes thrown at my head, brothers thrashed with metal bars, even "just" her hand would be a very angry, aggressive, frightening experience and felt utterly out of control. You had no confidence that she'd stop.

She proclaims she never smacked! Dunno who the fuck she thinks she's kidding!

I was smacked both as a child & very occasionally as a teenager.

As a small child it meant I was well behaved - just the threat of a smack in public from my mum was enough to make me behave!
It didn't really hurt, it was more the embarrassment factor that other people would see me getting a smack.
It's a cliche but it probably didn't do me any harm! My mum did admit recently that it only happened when she lost control of her temper.

However my dad smacked me in the face once when I was 18 for swearing during a heated argument- I remember the anger & sense of unfairness. I still feel cross about it!
When I moved out we didn't argue & got on a lot better.

Now we get on really well, he still doesn't like me swearing but he swears when he drives!

I don't have children, I would try my best not to smack though if I did.

I was 18 in 1994.

I spend parts of my younger years whacking people when they annoyed me

Yeah, my sister, brother and I very rarely had an argument when we DIDN'T all start pummelling each other. Then my parents would come along and scream, shout and hit us for screaming, shouting and hitting each other.

"Yawn

People who say they were smacked as children now see it as abuse

But still have contact with their parents and allow their children to have contact"

I went NC with my smacking father. He's dead now but would never have let my child alone wirh him. The loss of temper that led to him smacking us was abuse.

limon I wish so badly that I could do that with my father, but it would mean also going NC with my mother

Another thought that occurs to me is that my parents (aged late seventies and mid eighties) weren’t brought up or educated to be particularly reflective. When they say that’s how they were parented that’s exactly what they mean. There was far, far less discussion or places to have those discussions about managing children and behaviour. Smacking was generally accepted as a normal parental response to naughty behaviour.

The strength and brutality of their punishment was probably also born of their own experiences. Unfortunately unless people are taught to reflect on and analyse their parenting style they stick with what they, themselves were taught.

Whoever commented above about black and Asian working class people hitting their kids may be right and perhaps that goes some way towards explaining this? I can’t comment as I don’t have the experience but cultural norms are hard to break- it would be interesting to read more research on the whole subject.

I had a conversation recently with my parents about this. It was lighthearted in general talking about disciplining children and how it was wrong to smack them... Now I completely agree don't get me wrong but I had to point out that in fact they were being totally hypocritical because we were lashed as kids. Mainly by DM. I was told by my dad that this never happened. Well that's when I had to remind them of the wooden spoon, DM slipper and all of us especially when we were between say 8-15 or older, it was an almost daily occurance for at least one of us(there were 4) to be hit. He completely denied it down to the ground. I reminded him that he was out all day working so wouldn't have known. We looked at each other and then looked to DM who had stayed quite, she replied 'it never happened'..... It was quite incredulous... I know I didn't imagine it cos the siblings and I regularly discus it and how we would never be like that.

1980s child here.
Not particularly resentful of being smacked by my mum, although I told my mum that I didn't like her partner smacking me as a kid and as a result she ditched him. She knew he smacked us and lost his rag, she wanted rid of him anyway so I gave her an excuse to boot him.
Fast forward 10 years and she used to properly lose it with my early teens brother. She had no control of her anger and what we saw and heard haunts me and my sister even now. I resent that massively. I also feel guilty about it as though I could or should have done something about it.

My relationship with my mother is totally broken for many reasons, this is one of them!