To resent my parents for childhood smacking/discipline?

[ChildhoodSmacking]

I was watching the 'This Morning' debate about the subject earlier and I have also been reflecting on it myself recently.

Do you think smacking can cause resentment or do you think it depends on how it is administered?

I have a very poor relationship with my father, even as an adult, I cannot remember a time where we got along particularly well. The smacking that I experienced was always from lack of control. My parents constantly go on about how I was a very difficult child and wouldn't listen, they suspect I had ODD . I was never hit by my mother, but my dad would on occasion 'lose it' resulting not only in a smack, but also other things like threatening behaviour, throwing things, pushing etc.

I was born in the 90's so it cannot be blamed on a generational thing. Whenever I bring it up with my parents they argue that it 'never did them any harm' and I was a 'very difficult child and teenager.'

I cannot imagine ever smacking my own DC.

I am wondering about other peoples opinion on the subject? Particularly those that were smacked as a child.

ChildhoodSmacking

1981fishgut I do think there is a difference between grounding, naughty step and physically harming your child (which a smack is). Grounding and naughty step seem a fair and balanced punishment for misbehaving, again cultural and class based ask a AP parent of grounding is fair or right they will say with the emotive language you use about smacking that grounding or even saying no is wrong and abuse

1981fishgut Surely even an AP parent would distinguish a difference between smacking and grounding though? I don't see that they are even in the same league as one another.

Also my experience of smacking wasn't done in a reasonable, fair warning scenario. It was done in a moment of pure loss of control and fits of rage, resulting in fear.

1981 actually, I'm LC and she's never been allowed to be left unsupervised with my children, for this and many other reasons.

She probably sees them 4x a year, with both me and my DH present.

But yes, you carry on making inaccurate judgments!

Nope they say tone out is emotional abuse

Just like trans people argue calling them he is literally violence

The ap would argue any form of punishment is abuse they why they don’t punish

I have heard raising a voice is abuse before

I have worked with looked after children of people only knew

Theychildren that are abused have not had a tap on the hand and will not go on to have Christmas dinner with their BP and allow them to baby sit for a short time

Still have contact though

Why for times a year of someone abused me witch they have wouldn’t be seeing them at all

It’s a very big mental leap to get in the car to go visit somone who I think is an abuser and should be in jail

Well then it's a good job no one abused you then.

It must be lovely to see the world so clearly in black and white!

1981fishgut It's very easy to just tell people to go NC with their parents or other close family members. I would love to go NC with my father, but it would mean losing my mother, and probably also my sister, and with her my niece, nephew, BIL etc.

I have LC with my father, which is the best I can do, unless I am willing to totally cut off and alienate myself from my entire family and support network.

Fwend

they did my mother beat me with a belt after I got to select it myself

I do not go round I do not pop in for cozy vists and do not allow my child to be around an abuser
If you are allowing your children to be round an abuser if you really belive that your not keeping your children safe

If however I was just smacked and didn’t really feel I was abused then I very well might still have contact

I was smacked by my Mother and I bare no resentment. She did an excellent job up against extremely difficult personal circumstances.

Like I said I don’t belive people really feel it was that bad

As their will to put up with it to keep other relationships going or so they can pop out for 15 to the shops

Of vists for a few times a year

1981fishgut I would hardly say my sister, a child at the time herself, and my niece, nephew, BIL were complicit in what I went through with my father.

The world isn't so black and white, as Fwend pointed out.

I'm very sorry that you went through that. It should never happen to a child. I hope you are in a better place now.

Thank you for your concern about my children - as in my day job, I am very aware of safeguarding concerns, and do my best to look after all the children in my care, professionally and personally.

ChildhoodSmacking

If their not children then you do not have to keep contact with your abuser to keep in contact with them

If they are saying it’s all of us or none I pick not being with the abuser every time

I have 12 sibs not one do I need to contact with my parents to have contact with them

Plenty of people are still in touch with family abusers 1981fishgut, it creates some very complex family relationships which can be extremely hard to break away from.

I say that as someone who is NC with my mother btw, but it's hard to do. TBH, I tried a few times and was always pulled back in by something - mostly someone close being sick or dying. There's also a huge amount of judgement for people who are NC with parents unless the abuse is a) utterly horrific and b) very easily provable. Which lets face it, it often isn't.

Whenever I bring it up with my parents they argue that it 'never did them any harm'

IMHO when people say that they're demonstrating the very opposite, because it's clearly normalised violence for them. Yes, smacking is violence.

and I was a 'very difficult child and teenager.'

This makes me feel angry on your behalf. I've had this from my parents too, and IMHO it's inexcusable to try to colour a person's view of who they are in this way.

Smacking is the top of a slippery slope as far as I am concerned. I had my finger broken when I was 12, when my father was trying to hold me still to smack me (yes, at 12) and used too much force. He never laid a finger on me after that, but the damage is done. But to this day (and I'm 50 now) I get told it was my own fault for 'winding him up'. I have crashingly low self-esteem for this and many other reasons.

Totally understand the way you're feeling, OP.

Thank you for your concern about my children - as in my day job, I am very aware of safeguarding concerns, good as you will know if you are claiming somone is an abuser but still exposing your children to them then you are not keeping your children safe

My parents are abusers they don’t get round my kids

I was smacked by my Dad - only a couple of times I think. He doesn't remember, has mellowed since retiring. He finds it embarrassing when it crops up. But I was always loved.

Having said that finding that tiny shred of patience in the throes of a long, busy day with a defiant toddler in tow who's just undone its seatbelt in a fit of temper as you pull out onto the road, then screamed blue murder at you for the whole journey, about something totally crazy and your whole face hurts trying to tolerate that noise

It's fucking hard being a parent.

who are NC with parents unless the abuse is a) utterly horrific

But we were just told through various stories the smacking abuse was horrific
So again why would you have contact and why would they leave their children with them like some people clearly do

It leads me to the conclusion actually they don’t like smacking and we’re smacked as a child but not badly to actually do much about it and are conflating smacking and abuse to be emotive

And I fucking hate when people try and conflate the two I have been smacked

And I was abused the two are very diffrent

Hitting somone in the face with a iron is not smacking
Beating with a belt is not smacking ect and whipping somone with a hose is not smacking

The people on hear no that but they want to conflate the two things a tap on the had is diffrent from abuse

If your not sure ask somone who’s been abused

Oh me

There diffrent

I think hitting children should be illegal because it is so easy for a non-abusive smack to become the kind of hitting and assault described by so many on this thread. Countries which have made it illegal don't have huge problems with children being put into care after the usual "gentle tap". They manage to have a sensible approach to it.

There is definitely a cultural element to it where I am - but I doubt the child who is hit feels "fuck that hurt, but no worries, this is just our culture" he just feels like he is being assaulted by the person he loves - which he is. There is something particularly nauseating about inflicting physical pain deliberately on a person you love.

1981fishgut Nobody on this thread has mentioned a 'tap on the hand', so I am not sure why you continue to bring that up? My examples have been:

• Witnessing my sister being smacked in the face
• Thrown up/down stairs
• Aggressively shouted at in my face
• Being threatened and pushed

No one on this thread has equated a 'tap on the hand' to abuse.

pallisers

I think hitting children should be illegal because it is so easy for a non-abusive smack to become the kind of hitting and assault described by so many on this thread. Countries which have made it illegal don't have huge problems with children being put into care after the usual "gentle tap". They manage to have a sensible approach to it.

and that is because if you do nothing then their is no point in making the law of you do somthing then you use up social workers time we don’t have on loving parents who are “good enough”

And I can assure you this is not some slippery slope thing

I worked with looked after children the parents who abused start off with a closed fist or start off kicking

I never had a child we’re it was oh

I just tapped their hand now I am kicking them

ChildhoodSmacking

So this is not about smacking then it’s about child abuse and that is already illegal

So not sure why the thread says smacking
Beating a child is illegal already