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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was thoughtless and be hurt for my son

442 replies

DileenODoubts · 11/09/2018 10:57

DS is 10, has a friend F since preschool.
For the last 2 years F has had a sleepover for his birthday. This year his mom (who I consider a friend) said F is doing same again this year, I’ll text you details. For the last few weeks F has been talking about it & including DS in the plans.
Got a text today while DS at school that said F party from 3 to 7, thought ok not a sleepover this year, text back & RSVP.
DS came home from school asking if I’d got a text about a sleepover or with times? Apparently all the boys were asking ‘what text did you get?’ at school because F was saying 2 kids were going to be picked up early and the rest could stay.
All DS’ friends are staying but him, he was heartbroken when I told him but putting on a brave face.
I text mum saying ‘just confirming times as there was some confusion about sleepover and she replied that yep only some kids (most) are staying for a sleepover.
Am I overreacting in thinking this is shitty and being sad for my son?

OP posts:
Samcro · 11/09/2018 10:58

that is horrid.
why not just have the SO kids and be done with it. very nasty

Hoppinggreen · 11/09/2018 10:59

Yes that’s shitty
If she hasn’t got room or can’t cope with all of them for a sleepover then the Mum shouldn’t just send 2 home
Letting 1 stay would be ok, we’ve done it ( but not when the party was at home) but letting all but 2 stay isn’t nice

Original poster
DileenODoubts · 11/09/2018 11:02

That’s what i thought. Her reply was ‘we couldn’t have everyone to stay, we’ll have your DS another time’
Ds is upset too because some of the boys staying he didn’t think were really friends with F, I’m so sad for him.

OP posts:
TheCakeCrusader · 11/09/2018 11:04

Perhaps the friend’s mum felt she wouldn’t be able to accommodate or cope with all 7 boys staying overnight? When you say that most of the boys are going to be staying, would that be 6 of the 7 children or less?

Maybe the mum has had to limit overnight numbers but still didn’t want to completely exclude other friends from coming over during the day.

Difficult to know at this stage.

Original poster
DileenODoubts · 11/09/2018 11:04

Btw, my son is lovely and has stayed with them lots and I know that they really like him, they’ve always said he’s a pleasure to have over so I know it’s not cos he’s any trouble. He gets on well with everybody.

OP posts:
sharpstick · 11/09/2018 11:06

I’d be devastated for my child, I completely understand how you feel.
It’s shit and I’d be considering whether to send my child at all tbh.
As a pp has said, it would be fine if the majority were going home and just one staying, but to send 2 home is terrible.
I’d definitely let the mum know my feelings.

Starstruck2020 · 11/09/2018 11:06

Some people are just shitty and thoughtless. I’ve just distanced a 25 year friendship because of the way they have repeatedly treated one of my DD’s

TheCakeCrusader · 11/09/2018 11:07

Ah, just seen that 2 boys including your son would be going home. Sounds like the mum might not be able to accommodate all 7. Sorry to hear that your son was disappointed.

Shoxfordian · 11/09/2018 11:07

If she couldn't cope with all of them staying then she shouldn't have had any of them stay. It's really unfair to just exclude a couple of boys like she has.

Sleepyandtired21 · 11/09/2018 11:08

I think you need to be upfront and tell her that there has been a lot of discussion about it and that it’s causing problems. It’s really not on to make some kind of competition - with such a small number of boys it should be all or none, not only excluding two. Really unfair.

Doyoumind · 11/09/2018 11:09

I think that's a really shitty thing to do. It's hard to know what to do about it though, apart from be positive about it for DS's sake. The alternative is he backs away from this friendship but that would be sad, particularly if it's the parent who is restricting the number of children rather than the child. I don't know why a parent would be so inconsiderate and hurtful towards other children.

Original poster
DileenODoubts · 11/09/2018 11:10

Sorry my op should’ve said the invite text said 3pm to 7pm. I’m not sure who else is invited but every other year it’s beem 6/7 kids. They have a huge house and often do big sleepovers for their kids birthdays.
I totally understand not wanting to have that many but I feel they shouldn’t have invited the 2 at all rather than make it known they’re being left out. The thought of picking him up while the rest stay is awful

OP posts:
Forgottencoffee · 11/09/2018 11:11

Aww I’d feel the same as you. Perhaps she thinks that because your DS stays over (or has done) lots before that it wouldn’t be a big deal. It is heartbreaking though

RonniePickering · 11/09/2018 11:11

Bloody awful for the two being picked up, I’d be upset for him too OP.

TheFaerieQueene · 11/09/2018 11:13

Hopefully the mother in question reads MN and sees what an unpleasant thing she has done. I would think long and hard about my son going to the party at all.

TKRedLemonade · 11/09/2018 11:14

I’d be tempted to reply, “if F only thinks of DS as a second class friend then we won’t bother this time thanks, hope he enjoys his party” and I would take my DS out to do something else that day.

DolorestheNewt · 11/09/2018 11:14

You're not being U at all, OP. I think it's a real error of judgement on the part of the mum.

cheesefield · 11/09/2018 11:15

I agree with @TKRedLemonade suggested text.

Ragwort · 11/09/2018 11:15

I agree it's very poor behaviour on the part of the other mum but realistically what are you going to do about it? You can't change her mind (or if you do it will clearly be that your DS is an 'after thought'). Any discussion is liable to be very awkward and may well result in a real cooling off between the two boys and yourself and the other mum, you may not mind this but it would be hard for your DS.

I would have thought far better to try and teach your DS resiliance, acknowledge that you appreciate that it's sad he hasn't been invited for the sleepover but let him make the decision whether he still wants to go for part of the evening or just (politely) turn the invitation down.

I've had the same with my DS - people I thought were part of his friendship group (and I was good friends with the mums) not include him in parties etc but that's life, he's moved on, made a wide circle of friends and sometimes I note that he hasn't included 'old' friends in invitations (he's a teenager now so make his own arrangements).

It happens to adults as well ............ and that's part of life, you can't get on with everyone all of the time.

Original poster
DileenODoubts · 11/09/2018 11:16

I’m annoyed I’ve RSVP’d now and pissed off that my son is sad he has to go in and say he didn’t get the ‘sleepover text’
I’ve told my husband to pretend to be oblivious and ask DS if he wants to do a hobby they share on the party day to give DS an out if he doesn’t want to go

OP posts:
Figgygal · 11/09/2018 11:16

She's made a total mistake here very inconsiderate and I'd be struggling too

I couldn't send my child in those circumstances it'd be heartbreaking picking him up knowing the rest were staying.

mowglik · 11/09/2018 11:17

How nasty is that? The two that are not allowed to stay will feel so bad when they have to leave, and no doubt the others will be planning movies and all sorts for the sleepover during the 3-7 bit. So sad for your son, I feel like texting the mum myself!

Im not usually one for conflict but I would let her know in no uncertain terms that it’s a nasty thing they’ve done and will make the two not invited to stay feel like outsiders of the group, even if they weren’t before.

I’d distance myself from the mum. Does your son have other friendship groups or is this his bf?

Aspenfrost · 11/09/2018 11:19

What a nasty thing to do to two children.

Timeisslippingaway · 11/09/2018 11:22

This happened to me recently OP buy it was my son's party. I just had them all to stay because I couldn't see anyone left out. I have a tiny house. Had 9 boys staying that night!
They don't sound very nice. Your poor son, he should just not go to the party at all but I'm sure he wouldn't want to do that. Perhaps you could pick them up and take the other little boy who isn't allowed to stay home with you for a sleepover?

Narnia72 · 11/09/2018 11:23

I'd talk to your son about it and ask him what he wants to do. Explain that it's his choice whether he goes or not, and ask him to think how he might feel when he's picked up. If he'd rather do some of the party or none, and maybe you could celebrate with birthday boy another time.

Depending on his response I'd be honest and say " SON will struggle about going home when the other boys get to stay, so I think we'll give the party a miss and maybe we can get the boys together to celebrate x's birthday another time".

This happened recently to my daughter, the girl she considers her best friend had a party and then invited 2 girls back for a sleepover. However, although she was hurt (a) it was 2 girls out of 10 and (b) it was handled very discreetly, so as it was a bounce party, the 2 girls simply went home with the birthday girl and it wasn't a big deal.

If it had been at her house and the other 8 were staying I wouldn't have let her go as that would have really upset her.

I think the other mum has been very callous of the 2 boys' feelings. Do you think something might have happened to precipitate this? Have the boys had an argument or something?

If your son wants to go, maybe talk to the mum of the other boy not invited and do something with the 2 of them together that's super cool - or they could have their own sleepover together?

I do think sometimes that parents are cruel and thoughtless. If you have a big house and can fit 7 in, you can fit 9. That's really mean of the mum.