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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was thoughtless and be hurt for my son

442 replies

DileenODoubts · 11/09/2018 10:57

DS is 10, has a friend F since preschool.
For the last 2 years F has had a sleepover for his birthday. This year his mom (who I consider a friend) said F is doing same again this year, I’ll text you details. For the last few weeks F has been talking about it & including DS in the plans.
Got a text today while DS at school that said F party from 3 to 7, thought ok not a sleepover this year, text back & RSVP.
DS came home from school asking if I’d got a text about a sleepover or with times? Apparently all the boys were asking ‘what text did you get?’ at school because F was saying 2 kids were going to be picked up early and the rest could stay.
All DS’ friends are staying but him, he was heartbroken when I told him but putting on a brave face.
I text mum saying ‘just confirming times as there was some confusion about sleepover and she replied that yep only some kids (most) are staying for a sleepover.
Am I overreacting in thinking this is shitty and being sad for my son?

OP posts:
BigBlueBubble · 11/09/2018 13:36

I’d be wary that this is setting a precedent for how he will be treated in future by this group of friends. I’d actually tell all of the mums about the “which text did you get” thing. If this was done to my DS’s friend then my DS wouldn’t be attending the sleepover even if he was invited, because I wouldn’t allow him to participate in this bullying and exclusionary behaviour.

Atalune · 11/09/2018 13:36

Oh your son sounds SO LOVELY!!

I think you should tell your friend. I bet she hasn’t thought it through.

Your son is NOT A LOSER and he has integrity. That’s something very mature and very valuable.

Take him out for an amazing day.

Fruitbatdancer · 11/09/2018 13:37

That is shit. Your poor DS. I second doing something fun instead.
I had a couple of experiences like this when younger, it’s heartbreaking.
Upset me so much to be left out when my bday came around my mum let me have entire class of girls (18!) for sleepover as she didn’t want anyone to fee like me.

KurriKurri · 11/09/2018 13:42

I agree this is very thoughtless and unkind.

But before you burn all your bridges with this woman and her son, I would make sure you think through the repercussions for your DS and find out what he really wants.

If you fall out with the MUm and your son doesn;t go to the party - it could end up that he's excluded from his friendship group at school. It might be wiser to juts try and breeze cheerfully through this episode, see if things improve afterwards. Invite other children round to yours for sleepovers and playdates on a regular basis.

Your DS will be going to secondary school before long - he'll get a wider circle of friends, and this particular group won't seem so important. But for now I would tread carefully - this is your DS's current friendship group and he could end up being left out of all future things if this all blows out of control.

MiggledyHiggins · 11/09/2018 13:43

The poor boy!

I think you should say something to her, the situation she created -unwittingly or not- has had your DS sobbing his heart out. It's cruel and exclusionary. And I'm not sure I'd sugar coat it all that much either.

Original poster
DileenODoubts · 11/09/2018 13:43

Fruitbatdancer your mum is so lovely!

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 11/09/2018 13:44

People treat you in life how you let them. If someone behaves badly to you, offers you crumbs and you accept them, they will simply do it again.

If you say - no this is not acceptable I won’t be treated like this - they have to behave themselves, and they don’t, they’re no friend.

TatianaLarina · 11/09/2018 13:46

I’d be wary that this is setting a precedent for how he will be treated in future by this group of friends.

Exactly.

Fruitbat I love your mum.

Troels · 11/09/2018 13:47

This was done to Dd one year. Next door had a party 4 girls only including the birthday girl, Dd was sent home at the end of the party and the others all stayed. Next door for gods sake, she could hear them playing. They all ignored her the next day. She was never friendly with them again, small village school only three girls in her whole year. People are cruel.

Antigonads · 11/09/2018 13:48

This happened to DD. One year she and I were told all about a fab party that was going to be held but then she didn't get an invitation. The following year she received an invitation but of the 10 girls, 4 were sleeping over, 4 were not and 2 were being collected to go to another sleepover party. Consequently the party split into three camps and was generally shit all round. Two of the girls who made the sleepover cut woke up in the middle of the night cold, went to wake the parent to ask for more blankets and found him minor soap star in bed with the 'babysitter'.

It is a mean spirited thing to do and the mother must be clueless or lacking any bloody empathy.

Original poster
DileenODoubts · 11/09/2018 13:49

The mum is not bitchy, just thoughtless and ignorant I think.
When I say it to her, i predict she’ll say oh if he’s upset he can come but will say to F ‘we’re going to have to invite x now cos he’s been upset’ then F will tell the group and DS won’t want that either.
DS is well liked and has friends outside the group and through other activities so he’ll be ok.
He’s just had a hard lesson today

OP posts:
Frogscotch7 · 11/09/2018 13:50

I’d not let your son go tbh. Haven’t you got a night away (at fucking Disneyland) or something already booked that evening?

Original poster
DileenODoubts · 11/09/2018 13:53

I don’t know the other boys parents well and I don’t know whether they realise of the two tier system

OP posts:
Vinorosso74 · 11/09/2018 13:54

I despair sometimes I do. Some parents can be so thoughtless and then of course those children follow suit thinking it's ok to leave people out without thinking if it might upset them.
DD was in a group of 5. For her last party one girl was told she could invite 3 friends for her party at home so DD was left out and was really hurt by it. If that was me I would have invited the whole group but no.

Atalune · 11/09/2018 13:58

I think you need to speak to the mum...

Act confused, and let her realise what she’s done. ...

Sorry just checking, 5 of the 7 are staying? Is there a problem with the other two? I don’t get it?

Let her explain it to you. She’ll come to the right conclusion.

Atalune · 11/09/2018 13:59

“So when the next stage of the party happens, you’re asking 2 of them to leave? Have I got that right? I’m really confused, has ds done something wrong?”

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/09/2018 14:01

The mum just text there saying ‘you can hang out with me until 7 if you want’ ?!
Shock
That really takes the biscuit.

MERLYPUSSEDOFF · 11/09/2018 14:02

I'd be inclined to let him go to the play date (if that's what he wants) and reiterate that he has to be picked up by 7pm as you are all going bowling or whatever and book something to go on to when you pick him up.

Zintox · 11/09/2018 14:03

Take him to Alton towers instead (or your nearest theme park). I wouldn't send him to the party but just decline it.
And distance yourself from the mum. What a shitty way to behave.

Witchofwisteria · 11/09/2018 14:05

That's not nice, especially as the minority are going not the majority.

Maybe you could invite the other boy not staying to sleep at your house so DS could have a sleepover of his own?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/09/2018 14:06

What a horrible situation.

Similar has happened to my son EXCEPT that the party was for a girl, and only her 2 best female friends stayed over, everyone else went home. No one minded that (well not to my knowledge, anyway!)

My 5yo has his birthday coming up - it's his first year at school and he wanted to invite lots of people. We went through the class list together and ticked off who he wanted - turned out it was everyone except for 2 little girls who he doesn't really play with at all. I said No, can't do that. We can't only leave 2 out so we should cut it down to only half the class. His super-blasé answer was "Oh we'll invite them as well then, they can come too". Not really my intention, especially as he wants to invite about 8 outside-of-school friends too!
I've now decided that he can invite the whole class AND his out-of-school friends but we'll have the party at the local park instead of our house (common practice where we are) and then it won't matter how many children come.
I couldn't countenance a party that excluded only a couple of children in the class, or one that had this "two-tier" arrangement. I'd be devastated to be in your DS's position myself, so would never put a child into that place.

My suggestion would be to have something fabulous to do with your DS after the party is over - so that he doesn't have to mope about missing the sleepover part. Something that would be really exciting for him to do! Then he can say to his friends that he couldn't have stayed anyway as you'd already arranged to do this fabulous thing in the evening. But don't make it up, actually DO it.

Beaverhausen · 11/09/2018 14:11

Might be an idea OP to find out who other boy is and you have a sleepover for him and your son at your house.

SD1978 · 11/09/2018 14:13

I don't get this-
It's obvious the left out boys are going to feel shit. She would if it was her son. I will never understand how anyone can think this is fair. Or why the feck you would want to stick around and then be shown the door at 7.

ibblebibbledibble · 11/09/2018 14:21

Oh your poor son, I remember two parties I was left out of and now as a parent myself I look back and feel sad that those parents could treat a child that way. I get what you’re saying though about not wanting his friends to know he’s upset about it. Such an horrible situation.

Oliversmumsarmy · 11/09/2018 14:27

I would make up that as you thought it was a sleepover you and your dh were going out but if Ds is not staying for the sleepover you have changed your plans and decided to all go somewhere (where ever is great for an evening/night/ weekend if it is on Friday) as you don’t really want to waste the evening hanging around waiting to pick Ds up.

Or something along those lines.

That way the decision isn’t in ds’s hands, you are the one who is saying no for your own reasons.
You are not falling out with anyone but it doesn’t mean you will forget what she did and you will look on this friendship in s different light in future.

Then take Ds camping or to s hotel for the night and spoil him rotten