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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was thoughtless and be hurt for my son

442 replies

DileenODoubts · 11/09/2018 10:57

DS is 10, has a friend F since preschool.
For the last 2 years F has had a sleepover for his birthday. This year his mom (who I consider a friend) said F is doing same again this year, I’ll text you details. For the last few weeks F has been talking about it & including DS in the plans.
Got a text today while DS at school that said F party from 3 to 7, thought ok not a sleepover this year, text back & RSVP.
DS came home from school asking if I’d got a text about a sleepover or with times? Apparently all the boys were asking ‘what text did you get?’ at school because F was saying 2 kids were going to be picked up early and the rest could stay.
All DS’ friends are staying but him, he was heartbroken when I told him but putting on a brave face.
I text mum saying ‘just confirming times as there was some confusion about sleepover and she replied that yep only some kids (most) are staying for a sleepover.
Am I overreacting in thinking this is shitty and being sad for my son?

OP posts:
WhitefriarsDillyDuck · 11/09/2018 12:32

In reply to 4-7 hang out text

Whilst DS is being very stoical about not being invited for the sleepover , it has upset me as I obviously misjudged the friendship (not saying if his or yours) . I don't feel able to be there from 3-7.

BigBlueBubble · 11/09/2018 12:33

I’m so angry for your poor DS, I can’t believe the other mum has been so awful. She should only have invited the number she can accommodate, or invited only one or two to stay. Sending just two boys home is nasty and thoughtless.

DS won't be coming to F's party. I didn't realise when I accepted that F was still having a sleepover. Having the majority sleepover and sending 2 home is a shitty thing to do and I won't expose my child to it
I’d say exactly this. Call her out on her shitty behaviour. And then distance yourself from her. She isn’t your friend. If you send your DS to the party you can guarantee he’ll feel bad for weeks in the run up because the other kids will tease and gossip about him not being invited to the sleepover. He won’t enjoy the party knowing he has to leave, especially if the others are making plans for later on. And he’s bound to cry on the way home and possibly all night.

Arrange something epic so he can tell his friends he can’t go because he’s going to this way better thing instead. And educate him about what it means to be treated as second class and how to maintain your dignity in the face of that sort of treatment.

amusedbush · 11/09/2018 12:48

Don't send him, and text the mum telling her exactly why he won't be there.

He doesn't have to settle for being a second rate friend; not going to the party at all will be more dignified and won't make him feel like shit when he has to leave.

He and his dad can have a lovely day doing their hobby, and then you can have a nice take away or something in the evening.

CornforthWhite · 11/09/2018 12:50

Missing a party and excitedly hearing all about it on Monday morning from your mates is no biggie.
Having to leave in front of all the 'chosen' ones who can stay is just awful.
You need to come up with an excuse and get your son out of this party. Do something wonderful that he's been looking forward to for yonks.

livefornaps · 11/09/2018 12:54

I would be light and breezy otherwise she will get defensive but still make the point

"LOL - have you forgotten what it's like to be seven years old, your little two-tier text system is the hottest gossip in the classroom right now! All sleepover boys crowing about going mental eating too many sweets and making too much noise. The stuff dreams are made of! ;) bit cruel to pack off the other two before the real fun starts, no? Don't know what the other boy's mum thinks but you've put us in a right old pickle. Think we're gonna bow out cos it might well lead to tears before bedtime. I think that really you know this too and I can only assume you had a brain fart. Good look as you embark on your rowdy sleepless night. Toodle pip!!"

Atalune · 11/09/2018 12:55

Can you speak to her about it? Ring her up? Maybe just maybe she hasn’t thought it through??

I

gottastopeatingchocolate · 11/09/2018 12:56

livefornaps your message made me howl! Do you really speak like that?? Grin

user1471450935 · 11/09/2018 13:07

Hi OP,
It awful, and so sorry for Ds.
Unlike Ginorchoc we had similar with and Ds and his mate and his mum was a close friend. It too was the end of that friendship, yes went to local comprehensive together and in same form, but not classes. Our Ds basically got a new set of friends, his old friend was an acquaintance, from then on.
But really sad thing, his original friend's dad died, suddenly when they where both 14, all of the "new and better friends who had invite to year 6 party where no where to be found. Ds on finding out about his old friends loss, thorough us, was straight around and cancelled his plans for that weekend.
Now at 18, there is no contact, Ds let him walk away at end of school, whilst he is still in touch with all of this secondary friends, as he heads off to university, many who went different ways at 16.
Sadly in times like these you find your real friends

ShadowHuntress · 11/09/2018 13:09

Omg please send livefornaps text. It’s very cruel to send 2 boys home at the end of a party when the rest are staying. Tbh I wouldn’t even send my child. It’s just mean

livefornaps · 11/09/2018 13:11

Of course I talk like that all the time Grin

Original poster
DileenODoubts · 11/09/2018 13:12

Thanks for the replies.
It’s night here now and I’ve just had my son sobbing in bed.
The thing he’s most upset about is this bloody ‘what text did you get??’ tomorrow at school.
I’ve told him he doesnt have to go to the party and to choose whatever he wants for that day and we’ll do it but he said he’ll decide tomorrow.
Not texting the mum now as I’m too annoyed

OP posts:
BarbraDear · 11/09/2018 13:15

'Hi Fs Mum, I RSVP'd before knowing DS was one of only 2 boys who would be asked to leave early so the others could continue the party without them and although DS hasn't openly said anything I think this would cause too much upset and is rather unfair so would rather he didn't attend at all if that is actually what is happening.'

Or something. YANBU though, that's really shit.

BarbraDear · 11/09/2018 13:16

Aww your poor son. That's really fucking shitty of them to put 2 kids in that position.

WhitefriarsDillyDuck · 11/09/2018 13:21

You could just invite them all round the night before for a sleepover (you didnt know there was one the next night) They will be shattered for the party.

BigBlueBubble · 11/09/2018 13:22

I wouldn’t let him decide. He’s too young to understand he’s being treated like shit and might choose to attend, which will undoubtedly lead to further upset. Don’t put him in a situation where all of these boys will see him accepting being treated as a second class friend. Tell him you have other plans and it’s not possible for him to go.

OrchidInTheSun · 11/09/2018 13:22

That's shitty and horrible behaviour. I would distance yourself from the friendship and turn down the B list invite. Fuck that for a game of soldiers

Sleepyandtired21 · 11/09/2018 13:24

I hope he feels better soon - being a kid is hard and I remember having my fair share of sobbing to my mum episodes about social stuff. It happens to everyone but I still think the other mum is bang out of order and probably on a bit of a power trip

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 11/09/2018 13:24

Your poor son. Any chance you could collect the other child too and your son can have his own sleepover?

sallythesheep73 · 11/09/2018 13:25

WhitefriarsDillyDuck this is a good idea ;-)

Original poster
DileenODoubts · 11/09/2018 13:26

I am raging now after seeing how upset he is.
He said he looks like a loser if he doesn’t go and a loser if he leaves early.
The thing is, I know they all really like DS and are usually so good to him.
They prob thought ‘oh he’ll be fine, he can stay another time’ and didn’t realise how hurtful it was.
DH had a chat with him and said that even adults would be hurt in this situation and he cried in his arms 😔 DS said tomorrow he’ll be the bigger person and try to be resilient but he’d never do that to s friend.
I’m going to try and follow his lead!

OP posts:
Gromance02 · 11/09/2018 13:33

That is a really shitty thing they've done to your son OP. Could you have a word with the mum to explain how much it has hurt him? And assuming she agrees to him sleeping over, just tell him it was a mistake and he was invited to the whole thing all along.

TatianaLarina · 11/09/2018 13:33

He doesn’t look like a loser if he doesn’t go - no-one will know for sure why he didn’t.

I would just take him out for something really special instead.

I’d tell the mother that it’s totally unacceptable and your son’s really upset. That you accepted the invite without knowing the terms, but are now declining.

Figgygal · 11/09/2018 13:33

Just read your latest you have to tell her what impact this has had not because you expect a "pity" invite but because she should know how her actions have impacted a young boy.

I'd want to rip her fucking head off

gabsdot · 11/09/2018 13:35

DD was invited to a 2 tier party once. Some of the kids went to an activity first and then more were invited back to the house for games and cake.
DD was originally invited to the second part. I drive the birthday girl to school and she was talking about the activity and DD was wondering why she wasn't going. I didn't know what to say.
In the end, the afternoon of, one of the girls was sick and couldn't go to the activity so DD was invited instead.
I thought it was really mean.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 11/09/2018 13:36

I was on the receiving end of this sort of thing as a kid a few times, and as an adult and parent I cannot THINK what goes through parents heads who do this. The child doesn't understand practical considerations, they see that choices have been made, publicly, and that they have been rejected while most others haven't. Why would anyone do that to a child.