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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was thoughtless and be hurt for my son

442 replies

DileenODoubts · 11/09/2018 10:57

DS is 10, has a friend F since preschool.
For the last 2 years F has had a sleepover for his birthday. This year his mom (who I consider a friend) said F is doing same again this year, I’ll text you details. For the last few weeks F has been talking about it & including DS in the plans.
Got a text today while DS at school that said F party from 3 to 7, thought ok not a sleepover this year, text back & RSVP.
DS came home from school asking if I’d got a text about a sleepover or with times? Apparently all the boys were asking ‘what text did you get?’ at school because F was saying 2 kids were going to be picked up early and the rest could stay.
All DS’ friends are staying but him, he was heartbroken when I told him but putting on a brave face.
I text mum saying ‘just confirming times as there was some confusion about sleepover and she replied that yep only some kids (most) are staying for a sleepover.
Am I overreacting in thinking this is shitty and being sad for my son?

OP posts:
sallythesheep73 · 11/09/2018 12:01

I would be inclined to offer my child an alternative day out or embarrass everyone by asking the other parents if they fancy doing something after the party. And then they will be embarassed and say crumbs are you not invited to the sleepover and then the weirdness will be known by all.

WhitefriarsDillyDuck · 11/09/2018 12:01

Could you invite the other one not seeping to leave with you at 7 and sleep at yours?

needs to be better than that
laser tag
late night cinema
night in a hotel/camping lodge

JustDanceAddict · 11/09/2018 12:01

It’s shitty. I’ve had a bigger party for kids and they’ve asked best friends to stay rather than 10 children. It has always been the besties though and I’ve always been subtle. Now they are older it doesn’t really happen like this but being left out is never nice. Ds has had friendship issues this year and there have been tears over an ex-bf and he’s 14! When parents are ‘in control’, they need to be mindful of what they’re doing, don’t have excuse of being socially inept kids.

MyCatIsBonkers · 11/09/2018 12:02

I'd text 'DS won't be coming to F's party. I didn't realise when I accepted that F was still having a sleepover. Having the majority sleepover and sending 2 home is a shitty thing to do and I won't expose my child to it'.

But then I have AS and can't be doing with beating around the bush. Or meanness to kids.

Whosthebestbabainalltheworld · 11/09/2018 12:02

I think I’d text the mum back.

“Hi, I rsvp’d without talking to DS and without knowing the set-up. I get that you can’t have everyone over for a sleepover, but I think it would be hard for DS to have to leave at 7 on the day when all the others are staying on. Thanks for the invite, we’ll decline on this occasion. Will catch up at some stage”

sallythesheep73 · 11/09/2018 12:03

.. its like an evening party invite to a wedding...!!

Even if your son is free you def arent able to hang out with her. DH will be doing drop off and pick up. But honestly I would see if your son rather do something else?

inkydinky · 11/09/2018 12:05

How hideous.

We had a sleepover party for my DD and two didn't stay (their parents' choice, they were all invited) and I thought that was awful as the host - watching them be upset leaving and it also dampened the mood of the party /affected behaviour before they left as they were aware that they would soon have to leave. I certainly wouldn't want to be in the position of forcing them to leave.

If it were my DD I'd decline / encourage her to decline because no matter how resilient she felt she could be, I doubt any child would cope well with this.

powerwalk · 11/09/2018 12:05

Text should read:

'Thank you for the invite to x party I am sorry XX now won't be able to attend. I hope you have a great party'

Then you arrange the best ever weekend for your ds with or without other friends. This is the only way trust me.

If you text her how upset you are about the sleepover, she will think you are being unreasonable and she can invite who she likes (of course she can, but that has consequences) and she is clearly very comfortable excluding children, so she is very unlikely to see where you are coming from.

Your son can go in with a card for his friend and this will be forgotten in a few weeks (not by you I suspect)

WhitefriarsDillyDuck · 11/09/2018 12:06

Why not text about who you feel - not DS?

I have to be honest, as a parent I am struggling with the exclusion of my son. I am sure that in years to come I will reflect back on this as a great learning experience for him about friendship and disappointment but at the moment that isn't how I am feeling at the moment.

Havaina · 11/09/2018 12:07

Great idea for a text from @Whosthebestbabainalltheworld

Peoplemaynoticeus · 11/09/2018 12:09

Can you not invite the other boy home with you for a sleepover?

Ginorchoc · 11/09/2018 12:10

This happened to my daughter around the same age. They had been friends since toddlers. It’s difficult and my daughter was hurt but still went to the party, they are teens now and it was the start of friendship group changes (mum and me are still good friends we also holiday together) I explained to my daughter that they are still friends but both of them also have other friends and sometimes these things do happen, as I say it didn’t spoil their friendship but they were no longer best friends but I could see it was changing prior to the party, if myself and the mum were not friends their strong friendship may have naturally drifted apart. As it is they get on great but have other friends, they are also in the same class at High School.

WhitefriarsDillyDuck · 11/09/2018 12:11

Can you not invite the other boy home with you for a sleepover?

which would be insignificant/2nd rate when they are discussing it at school on monday- I think that would make it worse.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 11/09/2018 12:11

.. its like an evening party invite to a wedding...!!

Actually, it's worse! It's like NOT being allowed to stay to the evening part of a wedding -"Right, your time is up - home you go now - the rest of us have some partying to do"!

I still maintain that it is up to your DS whether he wants to go or not, but I love the idea of inviting the other boy to do something really fun at 7 if they do go.

LeighaJ · 11/09/2018 12:12

That's so nasty of the other boy's Mum.

Nothing has happened at a previous sleepover that might have caused the lack of an overnight invite? The only kids that weren't allowed overnight when I was a kid were bed wetters or ones who broke something or caused other types of damage at night when they were meant to be asleep.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 11/09/2018 12:13

yes you could pick the two of them up together and say loudly - 'off to the cinema/skating rink/etc now!'
however I think you should just text back pretty much what 'whosthebestbaba' said.

Feefeetrixabelle · 11/09/2018 12:13

I would retract your acceptance and say you don’t want to disrupt the party atmosphere by collecting him early.

powerwalk · 11/09/2018 12:14

DONT invite the other uninvited boy over, it will feel even more second rate and second tier. You will be reinforcing this by doing so. Leading to even more possible jibes the following Monday.

If the other boy's parents are friends of yours, do invite him to your treat day and be open about why your son is now not going to the party (you bet she will also be furious about this) but don't do an after party at yours with just one other boy it won't work.

DO something significantly more special and totally different to the party.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 11/09/2018 12:14

When it happened to my daughter, it was a 'new' friend who had her 'old' friends staying.
If I had had any idea that this was the set up, I wouldn't have taken her.

powerwalk · 11/09/2018 12:16

Most of all, teach your child the value of dignity.

MrsPMT · 11/09/2018 12:17

I think if he still wants to attend I'd go with the idea of taking him somewhere special afterwards, cinema, out for family dinner etc.

My DS friends drifted apart a bit around the same age, boys that he had been friends with since preschool were gradually less close and he felt left out for a while. He found his 'gang' in the end with a different group.

missperegrinespeculiar · 11/09/2018 12:17

Awful behaviour, if you can't have all the boys (understandable) either don't have a sleep over or have a smaller party and everybody stays

missyB1 · 11/09/2018 12:22

A friend of mine did this for her dd’s birthday recently, i did point out to her that it wasn’t a good idea, but she said the sleepover bit was “secret” and the ones who had to go home would never find out!!!

I told her she was living on another bloody planet If she thought that!

sallythesheep73 · 11/09/2018 12:23

Yes I think alot of parents rely on the idea that the kids wont find out. They ALWAYS talk about sleepovers!!

wijjy · 11/09/2018 12:28

Have you considered that the other boy is the driver of this, that he actually didn't want to invite your son at all and your friend (the mother) is trying, clumsily, to invite him to something as she is your friend?

That is exactly the sort of thing that a friend of mine would do, try to please everyone, and just make everything worse.

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