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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was thoughtless and be hurt for my son

442 replies

DileenODoubts · 11/09/2018 10:57

DS is 10, has a friend F since preschool.
For the last 2 years F has had a sleepover for his birthday. This year his mom (who I consider a friend) said F is doing same again this year, I’ll text you details. For the last few weeks F has been talking about it & including DS in the plans.
Got a text today while DS at school that said F party from 3 to 7, thought ok not a sleepover this year, text back & RSVP.
DS came home from school asking if I’d got a text about a sleepover or with times? Apparently all the boys were asking ‘what text did you get?’ at school because F was saying 2 kids were going to be picked up early and the rest could stay.
All DS’ friends are staying but him, he was heartbroken when I told him but putting on a brave face.
I text mum saying ‘just confirming times as there was some confusion about sleepover and she replied that yep only some kids (most) are staying for a sleepover.
Am I overreacting in thinking this is shitty and being sad for my son?

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 11/09/2018 11:46

Sleepovers are a bad idea. She should have just had the party. Its wrong to do it that way and I would pull my RSVP and tell her why

user764329056 · 11/09/2018 11:48

I reckon this is heading for the shit that is Daily Mail

Could you do something that evening which might take his mind off things a bit, go to see a film maybe?

Atalune · 11/09/2018 11:49

The mum is stupid and is causing grief for no good reason and letting her son pick and choose is horrible.

I would let your DS decide what he wants and then I would support that.

Timeisslippingaway · 11/09/2018 11:49

@DMF1305

He shouldn't be allowed to decode that in the first place. Just because it's his birthday doesn't mean he should be able to have a power trip and decide he wants so many people to his party bit then dismiss the 2 that can't stay. Well I wonder how him and his mother will feel when it happens to him one day.

Original poster
DileenODoubts · 11/09/2018 11:51

DS is actually quite resilient, he’s saying it’s not a big deal to his bf but I think that’s cos he’s embarrassed.
F has had form of being excluding and DS is understanding and resilient about it but I’ve told him it’s completely understandable to be hurt about this.
I’m struggling with what to text as the mum says everything to F and I know ds will be embarrassed if they all find out he’s upset

OP posts:
Bluelady · 11/09/2018 11:51

It's a shitty thing to do, it should have been all or none of them. This kind of thing boils my piss, it's so unnecessary.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 11/09/2018 11:52

my daughter went to a party like that. Some children to be picked up, and some to stay over.
It made me feel weepy, Grin - so nasty.

WhitefriarsDillyDuck · 11/09/2018 11:53

So just say:

I accepted without consulting DS. Now we know more about the party I want to discuss it with him. We will let you know his decision.

BathroomLights · 11/09/2018 11:54

Do you know who the other boy is? Are his parents aware of the plans? What do they think?

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 11/09/2018 11:54

Ring the mum, esp if she is your friend

Tell her your son is desperately hurt

Let her explain why this is ok

Ohyesiam · 11/09/2018 11:55

I think that is so unkind. Surely the mother must have SOME inkling that it would be painful to be collected early? I do wonder what goes on in people’s heads.

For right or wrong I’d be offering my ds a really lovely. treat on that day and pull out of the invitation, stating clearly that he was too upset and embarrassed to come.
Something similar happened with my dd, and we declined the “ reject pile” invite. It opened up lots of discussions about loyalty, taking people’s feelings into account and Bering thoughtful.
On a more optimistic note it was years ago now, she got through it( as your poor son will) and it was one of the many life lessons we all have to get sooner or later.

m00rfarm · 11/09/2018 11:55

Invite the other boy back to yours for a sleepover and do something mega - so when they go back to school they are filled to the brim with what they did with you and not worrying about what the other boys have been doing.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 11/09/2018 11:56

Plus, I'd pick him up and loudly take him out directly to see an inappropriate 12 rated movie and for pizza. TBH

m00rfarm · 11/09/2018 11:56

Even better - you can pretend that you did not know some of the other boys had been invited, and contact their parents to invite their kids to the "boys that missed out" party ... then everyone knows what is happening.

Tobythecat · 11/09/2018 11:57

What a horrible, spiteful woman. Why would you exclude 2 kids out of a big group?

Id give him the option of going or arrange a special day/evening of his choice to sort of make up for it. If he does go, when you pick him up maybe take him to the cinema and pizza hut or something to take his mind off it a bit?

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 11/09/2018 11:57

I wouldn't be sending my daughter to the party if that happened to her!

If they're meant to be friends then treat them that way. No way would I let my daughter go to party knowing she's a second tier friend!

Timeisslippingaway · 11/09/2018 11:57

Ah good idea m00rfarm!

Thehop · 11/09/2018 11:57

Could you invite the other one not seeping to leave with you at 7 and sleep at yours?

Rhiannon13 · 11/09/2018 11:58

Social exclusion is a very damaging form of bullying.

powerwalk · 11/09/2018 11:58

This has happened to me too. I can tell you now your child is going to be sobbing after the party, and will feel very sad and hurt. This will absolutely damage his self esteem and confidence.

What kind of mother would ever choose to do this?? Utterly clueless.

I would definitely not let him go. Invite some boys over to yours for a sleepover or go wild camping for the weekend and tell her he can no longer make it. Going forward quietly distance yourself and your ds from this family.

The end of the party will be so awkward and upsetting. The drive home trust me will be awful and he will be back at home while all the rest will be enjoying their sleepover. It is not on at all. What a horrid mother to do that to just two children.

sallythesheep73 · 11/09/2018 11:59

We used to have weirdness with DS's 'BF'. Our families were friends and even went on holiday together but when it came to their kid's b'day treat they always chose someone else (same one). DS became quite resilient to it in the end. I found it really Shit! My husband said I was over reacting but he finally had to admit it was weird.
The mother would get super excited about the other child (like they were a prize!?). And she would drop into the conversation all the time - oh we had so and so over. Why would you tell other people anyway?
Luckily we have now moved schools so new social scene but I do find these people very odd..

Joboy · 11/09/2018 11:59

're the txt
I would say your DH is doing the drop off pick as you will be else where.

Havaina · 11/09/2018 11:59

The mum just text there saying ‘you can hang out with me until 7 if you want’ ?!

Translate as: 'you can help me pick up after a bunch of boys if you want'

WillowKnicks · 11/09/2018 12:00

My daughters wanted to do something similar one year (but with less sleeping over & more going home!) & I wouldn't allow it, as I explained it would make the ones going home feel not as important.

Not nice.

Loonoon · 11/09/2018 12:00

It is awful when DC are not invited or not included in things like this. I remember DD’s grief when she was not included in something similar. Sadly I didn’t think there is much we as parents can do to change things. Friendship groups are weird organic groups that can have an ebb and flow that is completely incomprehensible to anyone on the outside. I saw my role as being supportive and trying to explain that not everyone will be invited to everything and we can’t always know the reasons why.

In the situation above we made our own plans for a treat on the day of the party and I was very proud of DD when she eventually got a ‘D List’ invite. She turned it down as she had other plans but asked that we bought her unreliable friend a nice gift anyway that we handed over at school.

Incidentally, both girls are in their late 20s now and still friendly. The party hostess grew up to be a perfectly nice young woman and not the demon bitch I thought when she hurt my little girls feelings!

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