To think this was thoughtless and be hurt for my son

[DileenODoubts]

DS is 10, has a friend F since preschool.
For the last 2 years F has had a sleepover for his birthday. This year his mom (who I consider a friend) said F is doing same again this year, I’ll text you details. For the last few weeks F has been talking about it & including DS in the plans.
Got a text today while DS at school that said F party from 3 to 7, thought ok not a sleepover this year, text back & RSVP.
DS came home from school asking if I’d got a text about a sleepover or with times? Apparently all the boys were asking ‘what text did you get?’ at school because F was saying 2 kids were going to be picked up early and the rest could stay.
All DS’ friends are staying but him, he was heartbroken when I told him but putting on a brave face.
I text mum saying ‘just confirming times as there was some confusion about sleepover and she replied that yep only some kids (most) are staying for a sleepover.
Am I overreacting in thinking this is shitty and being sad for my son?

Just am a your son if he wants to go, if he doesn't make up some excuse for him.

A couple of years ago dd aged about 9 or 10 came up with the 'brilliant' idea of something along those lines.
It was swiftly explained why that was a terrible idea!
I can't imagine why party mum thought it was acceptable. Silly woman.
Your poor ds

It’s not his bf but they’re all in a group he calls his hashtag squad (😊) and his very bf has been invited to sleep over.
The mum just text there saying ‘you can hang out with me until 7 if you want’ ?!

You can hang out with her till seven and then piss off home with your boy?!

I would text and say that you need to talk to DS about if he wants to attend as he was expecting a different invite and you will get back to her when you have done this.

I would un-RSVP and start taking a wide berth. It's just not fair. Even having a sleepover the night before and having the second class citizens other kids show up at the end is a better plan than sending some kids home in the middle of the party.

Tell the cheeky cow to fuck off! The front of it

That's really out of order.

Urgh, that's not nice. My DS has got FOUR friends for a sleepover this weekend for his 10th birthday and I'm dreading it and would rather have just had two but they are doing an activity beforehand and I didn't feel I could pick two out of the 4. It was bad enough trying to get DS to pick 4 friends in the first place, he kept changing his mind about the 4th space!

I would tell her how sad he is about it, and that you are wondering whether to send him at all.

This could definitely be done in a non-huffy way. Just give her the facts.

Hang out with her so your rejected son feels like you're best mates with the family who has rejected him?

At this point I think it's fair enough to say that you won't be hanging out with her and why you don't feel it's appropriate. I would also add that if your son changes his mind and doesn't feel comfortable going you'll let her know.

Look, this is sad for your ds but unfortunately we face these disappointments in life. I would wholeheartedly encourage him to go to the party and have a great time and say how it’s actually quite lucky he’s not having the sleepover because you have x planned for the evening or y for the following morning which he would otherwise be too tired for.

The other Mum is a friend and has said he will go another time and he will. I would not, however, go and ‘hang out’ until 7 on this occasion.

Teach your son to accept disappointment with grace, it’s a handy life skill.

and say how it’s actually quite lucky he’s not having the sleepover because you have x planned for the evening or y for the following morning which he would otherwise be too tired for.

so teach him to lie?

There's a difference between being able to handle disappointment and quietly allowing people to walk all over you.

I’ve told my husband to pretend to be oblivious and ask DS if he wants to do a hobby they share on the party day to give DS an out if he doesn’t want to go

Sounds like a good plan.

One of DD1 friends had sleep over and party - different days and different invites. I thought that was a good way to do it if you can't have everyone for sleepover.

I'd be wary going forward try for some distance and I don't think I'd reply to that text about hanging out with her.

Reply

I am sorry, I accepted the invitation of behalf of DS without being fully aware of the nature of the invite. The boys have been discussing this at school and DS is understandably upset. I need to talk it through with him and it will be his decision if he attends the 4-7 session. I will get back to you when we have had this conversation.

Really mean, but agree with Matilda - try not to reduce the impact on your DS. And always remember the mother is pretty insensitive.

Sorry - *try to....

I agree with Ragwort. I would use this as an opportunity to teach resilience and that life isn't fair.

The mum just text there saying ‘you can hang out with me until 7 if you want

I’d just simply reply ‘I don’t think so’ to that.

The rest is rather complicated though. It would be painful to pick up your son whilst the others carry on, however if he doesn’t go this could be the beginning of him being ‘phased out’ of the friendship group.

Given that the mum had mentioned the sleepover to you, and F had been talking about it to your DS, I think it would be fine to say that DS is disappointed not to be invited as you were all given the impression that he would be, and while you appreciate they can't all stay, you'd just like the mum to be aware of the miscommunication.

It's really up to your son whether he wants to go or not. I'd be tempted to tell them to shove it, but I could imagine my child would still want to go, albeit on the "B" list!!

Just wanted to say, everyone bad mouthing the mum, but has anyone thought that maybe it is the son's friend that has made the decision on who he wants to sleepover? Maybe the mum said 'you can have x amount of people to sleepover' and he has chosen who he wants to stay. It's a shame and yes it's upsetting for your son (my DD has been in a similar position before), but I totally understand from the mums point of view that there is only so much room. We had 5 people sleepover for my DD's birthday 2 years ago, but since then we have got rid of her bunk beds & redecorated, plus they are all a lot bigger now so this year she was only able to have 2 friends sleepover. We took all her friends to a play centre for a few hours & then the girls who were sleeping over came back with us.

Maybe the mum should have done something else, but maybe they can't afford any other party option so had to have the party at home & didn't want to completely exclude your son & the other child.

Wow - she's pretty brazen with that last text.

Something similar happened with DD though just a normal party and not a sleepover. Her F had verbally invited her over and over, but when then invites went out she'd excluded just two people, my DD included. It wouldn't have been so bad if the invites weren't handed out quite so brazenly. F wafter by and said oh, I just forgot about you to DD and the other child.

Had a chat with DD that it wasn't a nice thing to do and that sometimes people will let her down so don't rely on anything until you get proper confirmation, and took her out and treated her to something with the money we'd have spent on Fs gift. A bit childish, but it made us both feel a lot better.

I agree being left out of party invites and having to deal with that isn't unusal - this does seem a bit more insensitive.

Though I agree aknowledge the upset but there's little to be done but give him choice about doing something else or attending till 7.

I literally remember this happening to me at senior school with a group of my closest girl friends. In the end, I declined the evening invite, and was pleased I did. I felt I'd kept my self respect - appreciate I was probably at least 3 years older than your son however.
Poor little lad.