To think this was thoughtless and be hurt for my son

[DileenODoubts]

DS is 10, has a friend F since preschool.
For the last 2 years F has had a sleepover for his birthday. This year his mom (who I consider a friend) said F is doing same again this year, I’ll text you details. For the last few weeks F has been talking about it & including DS in the plans.
Got a text today while DS at school that said F party from 3 to 7, thought ok not a sleepover this year, text back & RSVP.
DS came home from school asking if I’d got a text about a sleepover or with times? Apparently all the boys were asking ‘what text did you get?’ at school because F was saying 2 kids were going to be picked up early and the rest could stay.
All DS’ friends are staying but him, he was heartbroken when I told him but putting on a brave face.
I text mum saying ‘just confirming times as there was some confusion about sleepover and she replied that yep only some kids (most) are staying for a sleepover.
Am I overreacting in thinking this is shitty and being sad for my son?

think the mums response showed a complete lack of self awareness and emotional intelligence

Totally agree.

So the thought that it might hurt the excluded kids did cross her mind, but she still went ahead with it?!

@Ragwort

far better to try and teach your DS resiliance, acknowledge that you appreciate that it's sad he hasn't been invited for the sleepover but let him make the decision whether he still wants to go for part of the evening or just (politely) turn the invitation down.

this, a thousand times this.

DileenODoubts It's cruel! To both children being picked up while the rest stay. Tell her.
Definitely take your son out for a great day instead and maybe the other child too? Perhaps offer a sleepover to the other left-out child?
I'm so sorry! The cruel things people do leave me speechless.

DileenODoubts Have just read

"He doesn’t want it to seem like a rival sleepover the same night as F’s one"

What a wonderful boy you have! I truly admire his dignity and thoughtfulness. Please tell him how much we all admire him! He is very special for one so young.

You too. You are a lovely lady. I have had time to see the arrangements you've made. I think you've handled this really well. The mum of the Party boy though, well , what can one say? She's an idiot is too kind. What was she thinking?

The mum is unbelievable, what she should have done was 'sorry DS, dads away, you can have the party but no sleepover this time'. What she did was 'Ok son Dads away so chose 2 of your friends to exclude'

DS duly does this and basically runs around school winding his friends up telling them excitedly to 'run home and see what text you've got!'

Then the whole thing backfired.
WT absolute FFFFFFF

There really are times like this when you hope that someone recognises themselves on a thread!

I agree OP that your son has shown an amazing amount of maturity for his years! Obviously down to having great parenting!

don’t want it to be a big drama

Too late for that ! This thread has clearly hit a nerve with many though

Hit a nerve?

She is trying to pass the blame into her son, the birthday boy. The woman is beyond contempt.

onto

Your initial response to her, your son’s decision, his friend’s decision not to attend either - all very impressive.

The emotionally void woman has lost.

She is trying to pass the blame into her son, the birthday boy

No she's not, she's specifically said it was her decision and that her son wanted them all there.

She made him choose two who could not attend. Lovely.

Agree with others in that scenario she should have made sure the numbers staying weren't the majority with only a couple missed out.

I wonder what the parents of the boys permitted to sleep over are thinking of all of this.

I'd make a stand and refuse to let him go to the party. That is just rude. It will show your son that sometimes in life you have to let people know how they have made you feel.

Good for you and your DS, OP. You've been polite but clear and he's shown he's not willing to be treated badly.

In the other mum's defence, at least she said sorry and seemed to understand the issue instead of getting defensive.

If I was in your shoes I'd probably reply with something along the lines of "no hard feelings" to smooth things over ... but would stick with your current plan.

Poor response from her, clearly she is irritated being pulled up ov her shoddy behaviour and had shown a completely lack of empathy and compassion.
You have made the best decision for your son. Learnt a few lessons a lot how not to treat your friends and hopefully your ds will have a great weekend with dh.
We ALL know 7 is no different from 5 what a truly poor excuse! Move onwards and upwards

Thanks for all the messages.
To those implying I’ve caused a drama, I appreciate it’s garnered a lot of attention on here but in real life it hasn’t.
As far as the mum knows, I’m declining because ds would be upset, she’s accepted that and there’s no Ill feeling on her part towards me or ds.
I privately will not trust her judgement in the future.
The other boy has declined and said he has something on and I’m not sure what bf has said but it hasn’t been mentioned to me. Yes drama on here and in my head but not with F and his mum.
As I’ve said previously, I don’t think the mum is bitchy just completely thoughtless and oblivious.
Anyway, thank you to all those who’ve replied. Being left out seems like a universal experience and you can see from some of the replies about their kids or themselves how much of an effect it has.
It’s been a good reminder for me and ds to be mindful in ensuring we don’t make anyone feel like that

It really hurts when this happens. It happened to my dd. Parents that do this know exactly what they are doing.

You have NOT made a drama op. We are all cross on your behalf. You have handled this beautifully and with care and thought. You come across as a really nice person, and your son too.
We learn sometimes that other people can be surprisingly thoughtful and unkind, but you haven’t stooped to her level, and have retained your dignity. All credit to you.

I always wonder if the people on threads like this who say "no biggie", "grow up", "teach resilience" etc. are the ones who would pull a stunt like this themselves.
Quite possibly not - but I still wonder, especially since most other posters agree that it's a mean thing to do.

Same happened to my DD. I looked after birthday child basically all summer while her mum worked and the two girls had planned the outing and sleepover etc. All backed by mum and told she’d give us tones etc. Anyway another mum called two days before the day out to ask details as she’d lost her invitation. Turns out dd friend didn’t invite her after all.
So taking the mature approach, on party day I took Dd and another friend out for nails, mocktails and n

Sorry posted too soon- a night away in a hotel (very cheap last minute travel lodge really)
Not going to lie I was super smug

This makes me really sad. The poor kids who aren't invited.
But when did sleepovers become a thing in the UK? I only remember seeing them on American tv like blossom or saved by the bell.

Well done OP! A very assertive response and your DS seems very sensible unlike the other Mum. Sadly this sort of thing happens a lot. I remember teachers would sometimes forget one kid hadn’t had a turn on something or leave one out of an assembly. People tend to laugh it off and say that the kids won’t mind and will forget about it to cover their mistake. Reality is, as shown by so many of the responses on this thread, that they don’t forget the feeling of being left out.

The other Mum has been unwise and as a result you are unlikely to ever fully trust her again.